Husbands best friend

[DKT3]

So what happens if Dave isnt interested and is loyal to your husband...you have the conversation confess that he has always been the one you wanted and he tells your husband...how would that staying together for your kids work then?

[DKT3]

Found my pole.

 

Bet his wife thinks she knows him too.

It must be fate that you are the one who truly knows him and can trust he won't cheat with you.:laugh:

 

Its called delusion, it's a common monster around here.

[itchyislander]

This is the thing. I want to tell him, I need to think about the risk that he would tell my husband. I want a way to test the water

[S2B]

This is the thing. I want to tell him, I need to think about the risk that he would tell my husband. I want a way to test the water

 

Go ahead.

 

 

There are consequences for every action.

 

Own it when confronted by your husband. This is premeditated. Your husband deserves to know who he is really married to.

[DKT3]

This is the thing. I want to tell him, I need to think about the risk that he would tell my husband. I want a way to test the water

 

You do realize this post is a contradiction to just about every thing you've posted to this point right?

 

What happened to you knowing Dave so well? What happened to your husband knowing you want out, but are staying for your kids?

 

Read some threads here, you will find that most people get themselves into bad situations because they lie to themselves, just like you are doing now.

 

You have idealized Dave, in your mind he represents happy. In your mind you have created this scenario where you two can run off and live happily ever after. Yet, you have no idea if he is loyal to you or your husband, you have no idea of the state of his marriage except what you husband has told you.

 

There are clues that Dave isn't interested in you that way in what little you've posted.

 

Question what difference does it make if Dave tells your husband? If he wants to run off with you he will have to tell your husband, so why worry if he doesn't and tells?

[Zona]

This is the thing. I want to tell him, I need to think about the risk that he would tell my husband. I want a way to test the water

 

If your marriage is a sham and you are only living under the same roof for the sake of your kids, why would your husband even care?

[GorillaTheater]

This smells a lot like "monkey-branching", the reluctance to let go of one branch until you have a hold of another. In the context of a marriage and another (married) man, it's cowardly and a wee bit contemptible. You won't let go of your husband, even in your allegedly bad marriage, until you can confirm that another man, who's married in case I forgot to mention it before, wants you.

 

It's a disservice to your integrity. Don't do this. If your marriage is that disposable, then do the right thing by disposing of it properly. And even then, don't be the person who tries to break up another marriage. As another poster said, set your sights on a single man.

[stillafool]

 

I am not suggesting an affair, I am suggesting that I tell Dave how I feel. IF he feels the same I know there will be difficult decisions to make and conversations to be had. Life is short to not find out.

 

.

 

No affair huh? Do you actually think Dave is going to plan a future with you without getting you in the sack first? You're not naive and you know this.

[anika99]

As I have mentioned my husband and I both know that we are staying married for the sake of the girls. My husband has not had an affair to my knowledge. He has threatened to and honestly the way our relationship is I would not blame him if he did. It is my husbands idea to stay together for our girls.

 

I am not suggesting an affair, I am suggesting that I tell Dave how I feel. IF he feels the same I know there will be difficult decisions to make and conversations to be had. Life is short to not find out.

 

Yes Dave has cheated but I understand his current situation and would be willing to trust he would be faithful in the future. No I am not being naive. I know Dave. We are both after the same thing in life. The thing that I am concerned about is the friendship between him and my husband.

 

Yes, I think we all understand that you have a marriage of convenience but what dfference does that make. You and your husband have agreed to stay married for the children, that doesn't make it okay for you to engage in a relationship with your husband's best friend, so the reason you are married doesn't have any bearing on this conversation.

 

Yes you are suggesting an affair. Or are you thinking that you will declare your feelings for Dave and Dave will declare his feelings for you and then he will go home and make arrangements to leave his wife? All for a woman he hasn't even bedded yet? LOL..you are living in the land of unicorns.

 

Yes you are naïve. People can use any excuse to justify anything. "I wouldn't steal if I had money" "I had to lie so you wouldn't be mad" "I wouldn't have hit you if you wouldn't have made me so angry" and on and on. A true measure of someone's character is how they behave and especially how they behave in adverse situations. A man of character would not have multiple infidelities just because they are unhappy with their spouse. A worthwhile man would work on fixing the problems in a marriage and if that doesn't work he would dissolve the marriage in an honorable way.

[anika99]

This smells a lot like "monkey-branching", the reluctance to let go of one branch until you have a hold of another. In the context of a marriage and another (married) man, it's cowardly and a wee bit contemptible. You won't let go of your husband, even in your allegedly bad marriage, until you can confirm that another man, who's married in case I forgot to mention it before, wants you.

 

It's a disservice to your integrity. Don't do this. If your marriage is that disposable, then do the right thing by disposing of it properly. And even then, don't be the person who tries to break up another marriage. As another poster said, set your sights on a single man.

 

Agreed. I think the OP is unhappily married and thinks she has discovered the easiest way out, which is to latch onto another man first. However it's not the easy way out at all. It's low and dirty and will result in so damage like she can't even imagine. And it lacks integrity

[stillafool]

This is the thing. I want to tell him, I need to think about the risk that he would tell my husband. I want a way to test the water

 

Again, you will only stay with your husband if Dave doesn't want you. How is that staying for your kids when you are ready to run off with Dave if he accepts.

 

Have you thought that at this stage in Dave's life he may love his friend more than you and will look at you with disgust and be grateful he didn't end up with you?

[DKT3]

Agreed. I think the OP is unhappily married and thinks she has discovered the easiest way out, which is to latch onto another man first. However it's not the easy way out at all. It's low and dirty and will result in so damage like she can't even imagine. And it lacks integrity

 

I dont know that she is unhappily married, I think it's more that she believes and has for her entire marriage that Dave is a better option. Note she has pointed out several times she only wants to leave to make a life with Dave...is that something a woman who wants out of a marriage would say.

[JuneL]

OP: It’s extremely unlikely Dave doesn’t already know you desperately want him. But he’s either not attracted to you or he doesn’t want to mess up his friendship, or both.

[anika99]

I dont know that she is unhappily married, I think it's more that she believes and has for her entire marriage that Dave is a better option. Note she has pointed out several times she only wants to leave to make a life with Dave...is that something a woman who wants out of a marriage would say.

 

In some cases, yes. Have you never heard of monkey branching or of people staying in unhappy relationships because they think something is better than nothing? A woman who is too scared and weak to stand on their own even though they are unhappily married, may very well pick out a new man to be their sure thing before they actually leave their current relationship.

[ladydesigner]

So you would like to leave a marriage of convenience for a serial cheater... let me know how that works out for you!

[Turning point]

No affair huh? Do you actually think Dave is going to plan a future with you without getting you in the sack first? You're not naive and you know this.

 

This is true.

 

Dave is already banging a plethora of women outside of his marriage. I highly doubt he's going to give that up without a test drive and after he's taken you around the block what possible incentive is there to do anything but add one more notch to bed post, and continue expanding the harem?

 

The guy you value so highly sounds like a dirt bag.

[BaileyB]

its not as simple to just divorce my husband. We have children. Im not looking to just date. Dave is different, it honestly feels like he is the one I should be with. He is unhappy and has already cheated on his wife. Surely if there is a chance we could both be happy it is worth telling him how I feel?

 

You have clearly found all the justification you need to cheat on your husband with his best friend. If you really want to be THAT person, go right ahead. I’m not going to waste my time trying to dissuade you. Good luck to you.

[norudder]

Where's your own integrity and honor? Those are the important traits to model for kids. "Feelings" are fickle and not what life decisions should be led by. Get some counseling for healthier outlets to deal with your dissatisfaction.

 

There's no healthy relationship to be had with Dave. He's not well either and to think he'd leave because of "spark" is so completely unrealistic. I think you'd be stirring up pain and drama as a distraction because you can't deal with your reality. Learn to deal with it.

 

The advice here is consistent and solid. Listen to the collective wisdom offered, it's been hard earned and is well meant.

[Turning point]

Let's assume you're "meant to be with Dave." So, now we can start to address the next steps in the process.

 

Step 2: Who are your children meant to be with? Would that be new step-dad Dave who likes to diddle? A mom who's attracted to men who sleep around?

 

Solution: Let's leave them with old dad because, it just sounds safer and that's what the lawyers will recommend.

 

Step 3: How do we curb Dave's appetite for strange? Is there a pill he can take that will stop him from stepping out on you the way he does his current spouse?

 

Solution: To avoid disappointment when he comes home let's get him the blue pill and improve his stamina. 4 hours is better than nothing.

[whichwayisup]

If Dave was willing to leave his wife we would discuss the way forward. This is a way into the future. I would not leave my husband for something uncertain. My husband and I are both aware that we are only together for our girls. Firstly, at some point our girls will leave home and my husband and I will split up. By that time Dave may have left his wife for someone else and I would have missed my chance. Another point is that, do we not have to show our children a good example of love? I am not suggesting an affair, but if we both feel like we could work together then we can properly deal with the situation and show our children that there is such a thing as a happy relationship.

 

Bolded part: So you'd rather settle and stay in a loveless marriage than be alone? Only way you'd leave your husband is for someone else? That's very unhealthy and damaging to your kids.

 

If you're unhappy, divorce your husband so he can find someone else who will love only him.

 

Forget Dave for so many reasons.

[Wallysbears]

Have you never heard of the “bro code”?

 

Odds are “Dave” wouldn’t touch you with a 10ft pole if he’s truly your husband’s best friend.

[Woggle]

Have you never heard of the “bro code”?

 

Odds are “Dave” wouldn’t touch you with a 10ft pole if he’s truly your husband’s best friend.

 

The bro code is good in theory but many men have no issue whatsoever breaking it. Brotherhood or sisterhood is a load of crap because people violate them all the time.

[Turning point]

As I have mentioned my husband and I both know that we are staying married for the sake of the girls.

 

The magic marriage benefit is mandatory for the sake of the girls, yet the girls can be forsaken for the sake of Dave?

 

It seems like everyone on your family team is just a designated runner.

[DKT3]

The magic marriage benefit is mandatory for the sake of the girls, yet the girls can be forsaken for the sake of Dave?

 

It seems like everyone on your family team is just a designated runner.

 

That's just it, it's not staying for the kids she is only staying because she is unsure where Dave stands. When your thinking is irrational it's hard to see the obvious. Her words say it 8s a benefit for the kids to have both parents together in the home, but her actions say what's best for the kids is irrelevant if I can have what I want.

 

That isn't saying that in reality it's best to stay with her husband, as the saying goes its better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

 

In my opinion Dave is a fantasy, and I believe at least on some levels she knows this which is the reason she is unwilling to just leave her horrible marriage. The kids are irrelevant in her ultimate decision.

[Turning point]

It's also quite possible there's nothing wrong with her marriage at all save for selfishness, an inability to live in the moment, or feel gratitude.

 

When couples end up living like roommates I think it's often the unilateral result of one person's relentless dissatisfaction and drive for "something more" coupled with the selfish unwillingness to assume any risk reaching for it.