I was with a married man

[Lilmay93]

Before all of you get judgy please listen first. Ok so I’m 25 I was seeing this married guy who is 20 years older than me for the past 3 years we worked together and I had no attraction to him whatsoever just one of the firms best workers we would have a laugh but I’ve never looked at a man my own dads age in that way. But he ended up reeling. E in kept asking for kisses etc and eventually I gave in, yes my own fault I know.

 

He made me feel special something my previous ex hadn’t, we ended up having sex in this secret place and boom went on for 2 years last year he said he wanted to focus on his wife but it wasn’t long before he came back looking for more.he promised me a future told me he loves me and then boom just asked could I be his best friends with benefits.

 

 

I left my job and moved to a new firm, he texts me almost everyday saying oh have you moved on and small talk and I know in fact if and when I do move on he’ll begrudge me. I know I wasn’t his first affair and probably won’t be his last but my head is so messed up now I am in love with him. I just need help! Any advice please xxxx

Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, delete duplicate, move to OM/OW

[Orokotikki]

Cut off and block all contact - he is stringing you along to be permanent sidepiece (probably one of his permanent sidepieces) for whenever is convenient for him.

 

Go NC - which means no contact - if he is able to contact you in anyway then you aren't in NC.

 

It really is a disturbing series of decisions on your part which led you here. I believe you recognise this by your "Please don't be judgy" blather.

 

It is good that you recognise this and I encourage you to see a counselor or therapist to help you understand how to set and enforce healthy boundaries and standards for yourself and for future relationships, they can also help you work through the hurt and withdrawal.

 

Best wishes.

[mark clemson]

I know I wasn’t his first affair and probably won’t be his last but my head is so messed up now I am in love with him. I just need help! Any advice please xxxx

 

 

You don't go into detail on your feelings, but if they're VERY strong it's probably limerence. You should research this term if you're not familiar with it.

 

Best advice, IMO, is to wait it out - it's months, not weeks unfortunately, and you can't shut it off, but it WILL fade eventually. In the meantime FULLY RESOLVE to end it, go NC if possible, and find a multitude of other things to distract yourself with. (Up to and including other people once you feel ready, a "rebound" relationship isn't the end of the world.)

 

Waffling, seeing the AP, etc. all are likely to re-trigger the limerence and prolong your feelings of attachment, so do your best to stay completely away.

 

My two cents. Wow I'm starting to feel like a broken record around here.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello

 

Everything about this is wrong and nothing is good, reasonable or defensible. I point that out so you can realize when you say things like "he made you feel special", that was all built on false assumptions on your part and improper motives on his part. It was a false assumption to assume he was available for a romance and his motives were suspect because he wasn't available to romance you.

 

Pull yourself back for a minute and consider adultery and its consequences, and marital vows and their significance.

 

Can you honestly see yourself pursuing romance via an adulterous affair under any circumstances? Can you really ever rationalize this activity, regardless of how much you crave the emotional uplift and the sexual satisfaction ? Can you really be in love with a man who has another woman in his life?

 

And, as an older man, I can say with confidence that there is virtually zero chance that a man of his age had any reason to hook up with you other than hot sex with a very young woman. it was a thrill for him, it made him feel young again , he might have even scored some bragging rights with his buddies....but it certainly wasn't worthy of your emotions getting tied up in knots and not worthy of your love.

 

I hope you recover soon and please consider a vow to never tangle with a married man again. It can only cause you problems and more heartache.

 

Best wishes.

[BaileyB]

I know I wasn’t his first affair and probably won’t be his last.

 

This would be enough to give me all the strength I need to go no contact.

 

This man is a serial cheat, he groomed you to have sex with him... There is nothing “special” here, he used you for sex and he wants to continue to use you for sex, without offered anything more. If that doesn’t make you angry and want to go no contact, I’m not sure what will...

[Smileygrl202]

You don't go into detail on your feelings, but if they're VERY strong it's probably limerence. You should research this term if you're not familiar with it.

 

Best advice, IMO, is to wait it out - it's months, not weeks unfortunately, and you can't shut it off, but it WILL fade eventually. In the meantime FULLY RESOLVE to end it, go NC if possible, and find a multitude of other things to distract yourself with. (Up to and including other people once you feel ready, a "rebound" relationship isn't the end of the world.)

 

Waffling, seeing the AP, etc. all are likely to re-trigger the limerence and prolong your feelings of attachment, so do your best to stay completely away.

 

My two cents. Wow I'm starting to feel like a broken record around here.

 

Oh no! Not a broke record ! But a clergymen! LOL

[lolita888]

After reading these threads, I realized that these MM really have a way to make their OW feel so special compared to what the rest of the guys made them feel.

 

 

Maybe it's because they have been in relationship too long that they already know what you want and what to do. Although I will never fully understand why they have to cheat like that... one thing is for sure, they all want the same. They cannot leave their family but want a side dish. An extra, something to entertain them forget the family responsibilities.

 

 

It is a good thing that you were able to find a different job. I really wish for you to be able to show on his face that you have moved on and that he is that easy to throw away and forget -just so you can get even with what he did. I mean he was just playing you. He will leave you when he want then go back when he want.

 

 

 

Please block him and never let yourself become his toy again.

[BaileyB]

After reading these threads, I realized that these MM really have a way to make their OW feel so special compared to what the rest of the guys made them feel.

 

Maybe it’s because they have been in a relationship so long that they already know what you want and what to do.

 

Maybe it’s because if they told the truth, they know they would never get a woman in bed. So, they start to create a fantasy... and many women continue the fantasy from there...

[lolita888]

Maybe it’s because if they told the truth, they know they would never get a woman in bed. So, they start to create a fantasy... and many women continue the fantasy from there...

Yeah this one too.

 

 

 

Or probably to keep women from feeling jealous or anything to that so the affection she will show him wouldn't be limited or they don't want the woman to see them only as sex partners... they want real feelings from her.

[elaine567]

I also think many married men have had the rough edges smoothed off so they are much more "woman friendly" than your average single guy.

Also some of these guys were "the cream of the crop" they were naturally charming and desirable or they were actual players or both.

Not then a surprise if they can still charm the pants off women despite being older and married.

[Starswillshine]

Yeah this one too.

 

 

 

Or probably to keep women from feeling jealous or anything to that so the affection she will show him wouldn't be limited or they don't want the woman to see them only as sex partners... they want real feelings from her.

 

There is also triangulation in affairs. Which strengthens it. There is a need for the OW to try to assert herself as the better option. You dont even consciously know you are doing it. All these things create this bond and belief.