4.5 years and the wedding date...is non existent...how to ask for a date?

[liladavis662]

Been engaged for 4 years. My fiance and I keep arguing -- a lot. We were technically married (common law) in our first year together -- but he went to a lawyer during a break up and had it annulled. When he came back to me -- he promised we would have another amazing wedding. (the first was just a dinner with HIS family and a court document).

 

It's been 3.5 years since then. We have been arguing about things -- but when I bring up marriage he blows up. He says he thinks I want his money (which he is 51 and only has 200k in retirement which i would NEVER get). And yeah he makes decent money but he spends all that he brings in. He is NOT rich.

 

So last night we ran into some couple he knew at a restaurant. the woman asked....so you guys wedding planning -- you've been engaged -- and he said "well, yeah....getting down the road." Then she said what is the wedding date? He said "when there is money to pay for it". And he switched the subject.

 

I knew we would end up in a fight if I said anything more after we left. But I have been very sad all day. Every fight he says that the reason he can't commit to a date are based on my pressure (questions of when we would marry) and the fact that I need to change my behavior.... And of course...money. But I think it's the least of it.

 

I have tried to ask for dates in the past...and while SOME days he brings it up on his own...he can never get serious about it. And when "I" ask he continues on the theme that I have ulterior motives.

 

I'm thinking of giving an ultimatum...but I dont' know how I feel about carrying through with it. Truth is I'm 42. He has been married twice before...I've been married once before. I wanted another child. We have clearly gotten past that because I"m too old now. And I've been waiting.....

 

for closure purposes -- how do I ask him properly and KNOW that i did nothing wrong in my format of asking...or pressure....and also know if he reacts negatively...I need to just get a plan. IT HURTS!

 

Am I overreacting?

[anika99]

I have never in my life heard of someone getting a common law marriage annulled. How is that even a thing?

 

Clearly your bf does not want to get married and I think you need to accept that. Then you have decide if want to remain in a relationship that is never going to lead to marriage. There is nothing you can say to him to change his mind or get the outcome that you want. Either accept it or leave.

[liladavis662]

That's the hard part -- I have a child who I share custody -- he's 13. He's being raised catholic. We are currently "living in sin".

 

He told me that if that was my "latest issue"...I can move out and we can see how things go..... and that he won't be "bullied".

 

I don't know ....if marriage a sincere necessity? I want permanence of a relationship and I feel that he is using this to show me it is NOT permanent.

[d0nnivain]

Common law marriage is not recognized in many places. It usually requires that the couple live as H & W for some period of time (usually in excess of 7 years) & co mingle funds. You can't be common law married in 1 year. You need to check your facts.

 

If your BF proposed 4 years ago but you two are no closer to a wedding date & now he's claiming that you are bullying him when you ask for a date, you need to assume that asking you to marry him was a stalling tactic.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then she said what is the wedding date?

 

You do have a date - it's "never".

 

liladavis662, think of everything you've given up for this relationship. The possibility of children, your religious and cultural standards, sense of self-worth, etc.

 

And in exchange for what? Self-doubt? Embarrassment? Uncertainty? Jack made a better deal, at least he got some beans in exchange for the proverbial cow. As I see it, you've gotten nothing.

 

Sorry for the tough love. It seems like you're in a situation where you know the answer, it's just a tough one to accept...

 

Mr. Lucky

[liladavis662]

You are absolutely right, Mr. Lucky. It's hard to swallow. I go back and forth...do I really need to be married? Will I ever find someone to be this close to me? Will I do better?

 

After another horrible fight tonight -- I think I know the answer. I just don't know how to do it properly. It's been SO long. How does someone get the guts to really pull the plug? It's going to hurt......badly.

 

We fight SO much ...so it shouldn't. But after tonight's stupid argument -- (he started it and I can't stop)...I realized there is NO way I could say ...babe I really need to talk about a wedding date. NO WAY. We are just always fighting over stupid stuff.....

 

Tonight it was because I simply asked him what time he needed to go back to work? He's a surgeon. He's been on call all day....and had a surgery. I told him if we needed to eat dinner close the hospital ...that was cool. He became angry and said NO! The patient isn't even at the hospital yet!!! I said okya...okay...calm down.

 

Then at dinner he was on his phone the entire time...and he got angry when I asked if he needed to go. He said no - I said is the patient at the hospital? He said it's none of my bsuiness and to stop trying to micromanage... and it got worse and worse.

 

This is my life...My problem is I respect his intelligence....he is a great surgeon. He's established....how do I feel good about leaving someone like that?

 

I blame myself ....non stop. I dont want to be the "bit*h" who left ...but I just can't seem to ever be nice enough. He said I need to realize that my questions are disturbing and I have a real problem...with being an easy partner.

[vinnyfl]

Sounds like you are a divorce waiting to happen soon after you get legally married. It is always amazing how couples who fight and have all sorts of issues and problems still think marriage is a good idea. Just tell him that what you two have is the making of a great marriage and you are eager to get started down the road to happiness. As long you keep doing what you are doing for him, he has no reason to set a date. Why buy the cow when the milk is free sums it up very nicely.

[Els]

OP, I know there are lots of young couples "saving up" for a wedding for a few years. But at 51? No, I think deep down you know it's not going to happen. Is that something you're OK with?

 

 

Besides, look at your relationship. You're not happy all the time. You're arguing frequently. He's dismissive towards you. Do you REALLY want to commit to spending the rest of your life with this man?

 

 

 

Common law marriage is not recognized in many places. It usually requires that the couple live as H & W for some period of time (usually in excess of 7 years) & co mingle funds. You can't be common law married in 1 year. You need to check your facts.

 

 

Not really, no. I know at least 2 countries where you are considered common law/de facto partners after living together for 1 year (although to claim separation, you would've needed to be living together for 3 years).

[liladavis662]

Interestingly, he just brought it up on his own tonight. He probably knows I was upset about what happened last night...

 

He told me that I'm "impossible" because he asked me what my plan was. I asked him what he meant. he said that he wanted me to get my first marriage annulled through Catholic church and I never did. I said well, you don't go to Mass. You don't even go to church with me...ever.....and now you want to get this annulled and go through Catholicism? That takes a year...at least...that's what you want?

 

He said well it's clear all you want is to rush this....get it on paper. he said "BTW I just cashed my 220k in retirement --so you won't EVER get a dime".

 

I said wow. That is what you think? He said well it looks really really strange that you keep rushing this. I said 4 and half years is "RUSHING"? He said it is...since the majority of it was a nightmare and fighting...

 

I got quiet and he said I am just impossible to communicate with ...and I really should fix that ...and it doesn't make him want to rush to marry me.

[liladavis662]

It's mixed messages though....he seems to be willing to set a date now ....BUT is mad it's not through a church...and says he wants to warn me that he he will tell the pastor/priests what really goes on ..... and let them decide if we are fit for marriage.

 

KEY HERE -- he asked why I wanted to get married? I said commitment....to know we pledge our lives together and he won't say during a fight to "go find someone else".

 

He said no...that's not the truth and he will say that married or not...and he won't put up with **** just because we are married. And that I need to realize that it's not going to get better....

[basil67]

Lila, in this recent thread you said he owns his own business, has an assistant who mostly works remote and from what I read, he seems to work regular hours. Now you say he's a surgeon and is on call. Doesn't quite make sense.

 

I also note that you can't imagine leaving him because he's intelligent, a surgeon and is established. Nothing in there about loving him because he's a great partner and you love your life with him. Wording it as you did, it does sound like you're after his money and status. I'm not saying that you are after his money, but he sounds like a horrible partner, so I can't work out any other reason why you would want to marry him.

Edited February 22, 2019 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

This whole mess is a cluster. The minute somebody said "I just cashed in my whole $220k in retirement so you won't get a dime" is not somebody I'd marry. How petty. If he actually did it & took the tax hit it's also Stupid with a capital S Moreover for a 51 year old surgeon that is a woefully underfunded; you said so yourself. He sounds petty & manipulative. Why are you staying? If it's not for the money & you have yet to mention love, what's holding you back? If it's fear just jump into the unknown. It's better then what you have & more peaceful.