littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 As an Aspie, posting and reading on LS has hugely helped me fine-tune how to read people's intentions better, and how to spot what I would consider deliberately nasty behaviour - purposefully misreading what someone says to make a point out of spite, 'pack' mentality, passive aggressive behaviour, using someone's vulnerabilities against them, trying to get a raise for fun, etc. It's easier to spot in the written form, but not so much in real life. I like to think I'm fairly intuitive and a good reader of a situation, but reading people in real life is not my strong suit at all. It takes me a while before I realise that someone isn't as they appear to be, especially at work. I deal with it well once I realise it (I don't have a problem speaking my mind, sometimes without a filter, which is less ideal but hasn't caused me any real issues in my life so far), but ideally I need to find better ways to spot and deal with it as it happens rather than down the line when the penny drops and it's too late, so I'm looking for handy tips for those of you who feel they are good judges of character. Is there a way to settle quickly whether someone is not as nice as they appear to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Always read their eye contact with you. If someone is speaking to you and looking behind you or peeking at their phone, beware. They most likely are only talking to you to be nice or because they feel they have to. When someone looks you in the eye and shows enthusiasm they generally do like you and what you have to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 You might try the Golden Rule: Treat people as you would want to be treated. The inverse of that is reject people who don't treat you like you would treat others. The common mistake that lets some bad ones into our lives is that a lot of people won't swipe "next" or kick them to the curb when they do something small that is disrespectful and crosses a boundary. Because they are thinking, Well, it was nasty, but in the end, it was over something that just didn't matter. My example is how a friend of mine's bf would sit in the car and criticize the way she pumped gas into the car! Very petty, but she didn't consider drawing the line on him because it was over something that just didn't matter. It does matter. They start small and see if you'll put up with it and then it gets worse and worse if they're a jerk. So don't overlook the pink flags either! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) When someone looks you in the eye and shows enthusiasm they generally do like you and what you have to say. Thanks. Eye-contact may be a bit problematic for me, though. I dislike it immensely. But I see your point, I guess that's a good gauge for NTs. They start small and see if you'll put up with it and then it gets worse and worse if they're a jerk. So don't overlook the pink flags either! That's a great point. I normally either treat people the way I want to be treated, or give them a taste of their own medicine when I see they cross line and act like nothing's happened. It's not always easy to take the high road, especially when you feel cornered a little. But I'm really poor at noticing the little signs at the beginning. I'm trying to be alert to that. Edited February 22, 2019 by littleblackheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 What kind of nasty? People are nasty in all kinds of ways. I usually don’t worry about avoiding them as much as I try on my end to deal with them. It’s kind of like an ongoing social experiment I have with myself. I wouldn’t go so far to label people as nasty either. Sure they may be in a foul mood more than other people are but we all have some nastiness in us. And we all have some good too. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 My eye contact is not good, so I relate to you there. I also don't follow the manta of 'treat others how you want to be treated' as we don't all want the same thing. I prefer to treat others how they want to be treated. I watch how people treat others in general to get an idea. Do they do road rage? Are they rude to wait staff? Do they overly enunciate when talking with someone who's disabled or has their language as a second language. Are they overly judgemental towards those who are different? Do they say nasty things about their acquaintances? Are they never wrong? After 2-3 months with a person, you should be able to see these red flags if they are around. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 I wouldn’t go so far to label people as nasty either. I take your point but that's not what I'm doing. It's more about spotting it when it's consistent yet sublte. At work, it would be someone being pleasant to your face and undermining you without you knowing. I prefer to treat others how they want to be treated. Agreed. I guess the problem comes when people want to be treated a certain way themselves, but don't give others the same courtesy (they can give it but not take it kind of thing). I watch how people treat others in general to get an idea. Do they do road rage? Are they rude to wait staff? Do they overly enunciate when talking with someone who's disabled or has their language as a second language. Are they overly judgemental towards those who are different? Do they say nasty things about their acquaintances? Are they never wrong? After 2-3 months with a person, you should be able to see these red flags if they are around. All good points - I think I have that covered in everyday life. At work seems to be where I struggle most - there's so much underhandedness, and so much of it seems to be tolerated or shrugged off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 At work seems to be where I struggle most - there's so much underhandedness, and so much of it seems to be tolerated or shrugged off. I have no answers there - I am the same as you Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 I have no answers there - I am the same as you Ah well at least I know it's not just a 'me' problem 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Work places can be cut throat. My mantra there is don’t trust people with any personal details you wouldn’t want everyone to know. And always cover yourself with something in writing if it seems odd. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) what I personally watch for is too-nice behaviour, as it is a trick. Too-nice is not the same as pleasant and friendly. Too-nice means they force themselves on you, so you are caught in their fake-nice net. The culprit moves bizarrely fast in order to do the catching. Veteran victims have learned to call this bizarre behaviour "love-bombing", and that the culprit is tricking you because once they have you in they get to know you beyond your job, they get to know your personal business, and that knowledge is the foundation of ... "purposefully misreading what someone says to make a point out of spite, 'pack' mentality, passive aggressive behaviour, using someone's vulnerabilities against them, trying to get a raise for fun, etc" Tip? Just smile at them and communicate through your work, not through your personal business. Give strangers a few months of watching them treat others, then assess, to see if they are good to befriend. That is my lil story of avoiding narcissists. Edited February 22, 2019 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 And always cover yourself with something in writing if it seems odd. Very good point. I tend to compartmentalise very easily bc I don't like overlaps between personal and professional life, so for me personally TMI is not an issue. But the 'cut-throat' thing seems to be institurionalised as sort of how you do business. I think you can still be professional, straightforward and efficient and not be underhanded or passive aggressive in order to get what you want. It's not great (and totally pointless, to me) to have to watch your back at work. It doesn't have to be that way, but trying to change this mentality is revealing a bit fruitless. what I personally watch for is too-nice behaviour, as it is a trick. Too-nice is not the same as pleasant and friendly. Too-nice means they force themselves on you, so you are caught in their fake-nice net. I don't have to deal with that but I definitely see what you mean. I've seen it happen in action many a time at work. I do try to remain professional but I invariably end up speaking up when I feel something is off. The good thing is that I'm well respected by my bosses as a straight shooter, the bad thing is that it seems to get under other people's skin. Maybe it's just the environment I work in? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) i think i have a disabled heart because nastiness,ridicule or pack bullying makes me feel really really slow.....my tongue swells up and my mouth goes dry...and my brain goes foggy and my brain shakes......i think it must be the stoning i copped as a kid......a pack of teenage boys surrounded me...stoned me...ridiculed me...threw bait and fish guts in my hair...... when i was about ten....ptsd.....so i know exactly when someone is being nasty to others or myself....in fact i could possibly be hyper vigilant.....or one of my personalities is hyper vigilant........:0)...yep i am a messed up person...... for your question... not as nice as they appear to be.....hmmm....i feel that people deserve the benefit of the doubt.....allowed to have a few chances.....and forgiven when they make mistakes.......when you feel disturbed by someone.....when you feel unsafe......listen......to your heart...... be honest when someone says something that makes you feel small or hurt or you think they are trying to hurt another.....and give them a chance to clarify....by simply asking... what do you mean by that..or can you clarify that for me..or im not sure of what you are trying to say... good peoples...will always want you to understand what they are trying to say to you or about you or about others.......bad peeps or nasty peeps ...would rather leave you in confusion(males(freudian slip) i meant makes them feel smarter than you...bigger than you..better than you hence they fob you off..) and they actively avoid actual simple clarification or honest easy explanations and or answers to the questions you ask......i wish you well....deb..... Edited February 22, 2019 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) ptsd.....so i know exactly when someone is being nasty to others or myself....in fact i could possibly be hyper vigilant. I can see why that awful experience would have scarred you. I hope you are now surrounded with good people. be honest when someone says something that makes you feel small or hurt or you think they are trying to hurt another.....and give them a chance to clarify....by simply asking... what do you mean by that..or can you clarify that for me..or im not sure of what you are trying to say.. In the past I've been guilty of giving too much benefit of the doubt by accepting words and not taking heed of actions. Lesson learned on that front. I don't want to become paranoid at work and for the most part, I'm not really personally too affected by it. I just carry on doing my thing. It's just about having tips to spot these types of behaviour quicker than I normally would (it can take months for me when it just takes minutes for others to see it coming). So really I'm asking for easy short-cuts to identify the behaviour, not the actual people - if that makes sense. bad peeps or nasty peeps ...would rather leave you in confusion(males(freudian slip) i meant makes them feel smarter than you...bigger than you..better than you hence they fob you off..) and they actively avoid actual simple clarification or honest easy explanations and or answers to the questions you ask......i wish you well....deb..... All true. I wish you well too! Edited February 22, 2019 by littleblackheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Thanks all - I think I've just clocked my problem through reading your posts! I clearly have an issue differenciating between 'too-nice' and plain nice. Something to work on! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Yeah , l don;t go for the looking you in the eye thing either, Some people do it a lot some all over the place , to me usually it means nothing. l don't even do it myself much grew up my old man eye balling me every time he spoke, drove me crazy. for guys one warning is too slick, too perfect , particularly in the way they talk to you treat you and everyone , like a well rehearsed mr perfect, not usually a good sign. Sarcastic male or female not always but often cold blooded. No genuine warmth , not good, Women with sharp cold faces , often phony's and b@tches. And on and on it goes l suppose, sneaky people can be very sneaky can't they and come with many masks . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Yes! Sneaky! That's what I meant, rather than 'nasty' (I'll use English not being my native language as an excuse for the mixup). Thanks chillii I can't spot sneakiness. I have developped very solid boundaries and coping mechanisms for everything else, but sneakiness (and lack of accountability) is my Achilles' heel. I have very low tolerance levels to passive aggressive behaviour but at least I recognise it and can (mostly) deal with it ok or ignore it. Sneakiness (and manipulation, goading, ...) is another story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I am always deviously kind to nasty people. (On purpose) Usually they kind of make an apology as they feel terribly uncomfortable and start to feel bad for being nasty. It alway`s amazes me how most nasty people are destroyed with kindness and niceness. Of course not everyone, some people are just ..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) IME, women are brutal towards one another....Its starts when young and just continues on into adulthood... Workplace cattiness among women is very commonplace...Throw a good looking guy or two in the middle and its all of a sudden like a WWE match... I feel for you... TFY Edited February 22, 2019 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) I don't trust people who are kind to bad people either. They're either enabling or they're just lying devious jerks. Those people don't have a conscience, so they're not feeling guilty. The worst underhanded person I ever worked for pretended to be nice to everyone -- while shooting them in the back and setting them up by doing sneaky things. I agree the workplace is cutthroat. Don't ever think anyone there is really putting your needs ahead or equal to theirs and it's best to just keep your head down and not get personal and even to not let everyone know exactly what you do or how well you do it. My worst experience with a devious person was in the workplace, one devious person and two men who enabled her for their own benefit. Edited February 22, 2019 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author littleblackheart Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) I am always deviously kind to nasty people. (On purpose) I can't see myself have the patience or energy to be kind to people I don't respect, tbh. I don't have that skill. I can be civil, but that's far as I'm willing to go. I'm glad it's working for you, though. Workplace cattiness among women is very commonplace Thanks for the sympathy. I don't work in a woman-only environment though, so it's not really a gender thing, where I'm at. Men can be sneaky, nasty and self-serving too! Edited February 22, 2019 by littleblackheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 As an Aspie, posting and reading on LS has hugely helped me fine-tune how to read people's intentions better, and how to spot what I would consider deliberately nasty behaviour - purposefully misreading what someone says to make a point out of spite, 'pack' mentality, passive aggressive behaviour, using someone's vulnerabilities against them, trying to get a raise for fun, etc. It's easier to spot in the written form, but not so much in real life. I like to think I'm fairly intuitive and a good reader of a situation, but reading people in real life is not my strong suit at all. It takes me a while before I realise that someone isn't as they appear to be, especially at work. I deal with it well once I realise it (I don't have a problem speaking my mind, sometimes without a filter, which is less ideal but hasn't caused me any real issues in my life so far), but ideally I need to find better ways to spot and deal with it as it happens rather than down the line when the penny drops and it's too late, so I'm looking for handy tips for those of you who feel they are good judges of character. Is there a way to settle quickly whether someone is not as nice as they appear to be? Don't take words at face value, people rarely say what they actually mean, Your best bet would be to study psychology and practice identifying behaviors in between, Your true friends will try to understand you, the rest are there for a beneficial reason, Yet, like everything else, there's something to learn from everyone, even if they teach you while teasin'. To judge character on the spot will leave you wrong a lot of the time, For people, as well as most things, can be quite irrational, like when I rhyme, If someone makes an effort to see you and want to be with you, take it as it is, The same can be said for someone being mean or disrespectful toward you, not including kids. Even if you're in a bad situation and you know it, there's still something to be gained, Even if you can't "uncover" people's intentions, your benefit from it will still be the same, So if you find yourself face to face with someone and you are anxious about not reading the situation right, Enjoy the moment for what it is to you, whether good or bad, and take it in a good light. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) I'm autistic as well, and it can be so hard to read people. This what I have learned: (a) don't trust until you verify (b) be leery of anyone who tries to get to close too fast © don't fall into the word trap. this one was hard for me, because I have a bad way of always taking what people say at face value. words mean nothing. look for the action behind them. (d) there are real predators out there. they can spot someone "vulnerable" |( if you know what I mean) a mile away. These people actually enjoy tormenting others, and will "love bomb" you. My first boyfriend was like that. I thought the "love bombing" meant he cared. Then that turned to possessiveness ( which I mistook for wanting to protect me) and then controlling ( again, I thought that was because of love). This evolved into full scale emotional, mental and physical abuse. (e) avoid those who , because you are autistic, treat you like you are a child. they are out there. (f) If you find reading people hard, take along a friend/couple for a "double date". Get their feedback...they might see something you don't. (g) finally, if you are like me and an overly empathetic "fixer", be careful. You don't have to carry the weight of the world, nor of anyone else. Edited February 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 (edited) IME, women are brutal towards one another....Its starts when young and just continues on into adulthood..<snip> Funny yeah , going through school as a guy l always thought was pretty tough but when my daughter went through primary school , holy hell, the girls, now they were on a whole nother plane. Luckily in that way though she's a bit of a chip of the old block and doesn't really giva fk what anyone else does or thinks and that helped her a lot. Edited February 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 23, 2019 Share Posted February 23, 2019 when you go out to eat with someone and they treat the waiter/waiteress badly it is a big red flag that they are a mean person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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