My cousin can never stick to a plan to get together

[Intevel80]

Okay so are you saying when she planned on coming, she didn’t mean it? Even after she wrote to confirm?

 

And she apologized, 2 pages. She says after March she will try.

 

Are you saying she’s lying?

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[Mr. Lucky]

But she was the one that said she wanted to come visit.

 

And I once told someone I really don't like to "have a nice day". It's just civility.

 

Are you saying she’s lying?

 

She doesn't want to hurt your feelings or lose you as an online friend. But when the moment of truth comes, she doesn't make the effort. She's as avoidant as you are fixated.

 

Why not just accept having her as a social media connection, sort of a penpal?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Intevel80]

So if next month she says she would like to plan to get down, what do I say? Just say yea right?

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[Intevel80]

Don't respond to her messages anymore then she will get the idea you think she's a flake.

 

 

But I asked someone else and they said if I don’t respond, then that is so petty. So I don’t know. Do I wanna be petty?

[d0nnivain]

But if it best to tell her I’m hurt before giving up?

 

Your father said not to.

 

I would absolutely tell her but I am not a member of your family. I don't understand the dynamic. You can't let this thing with her color your relationship with your father.

[Intevel80]

If I tell her I’m hurt, isn’t that just giving her power?

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[d0nnivain]

This isn't a power trip.

 

To me it's a boundary issue. You have to stop chasing. You also have to accept that she is not a person who keeps her word. To enforce my boundaries I would let her know that you no longer trust her & her behavior annoyed you. However your FATHER said not to do that. He's got boots on the ground & knows the players, including you. I'm just some stranger on the internet. You have to make the choice that is the best for you & your family.

[preraph]

Because you're young, you still think everyone has to play by the same rules you play by, but that's not true. There is no one right way to be.

 

Just drop it. Then if she happens to resurface, you'll be pleasantly surprised -- but it won't mean anything other than she's taking care of an obligation, and that's assuming she volunteered to do that and didn't get cornered into it.

[Intevel80]

To me it's a boundary issue. You have to stop chasing. <snip>

Okay but isn’t letting her know the same as chasing?

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[preraph]

^ Yes, it is. And it's whiny.

[Intevel80]

I’m in a lose lose situation here. It’s all gloomy.

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[preraph]

Good grief, you're acting like a spurned lover! It doesn't have to be gloomy. It's just someone who isn't going to be your bestie (or your lover). There is no reason for you to be acting all dramatic about this. You need to just learn to let people go if they are not interested, no matter who they are. And to pay attention to actions and not words.

[Intevel80]

But why is she so interested in chatting on messenger? Come on. Literally hundreds of messages and emojis. She has told me her whole life story. About how she was left behind as a kid. If she wanted nothing to do with me, she wouldn’t have spent hours writing to me. It would take you hours to read her long and lengthy messages. And she says that we met for a reason and God. She has said so many times she wants to get together.

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[preraph]

You're just going in circles. Actions speak louder than words.

[Intevel80]

What if she truly got busy?

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[d0nnivain]

So if next month she says she would like to plan to get down, what do I say? Just say yea right?

 

You say OK but since you flaked so many times already you have to come to me.

 

She LIKES talking to you on messenger. She does not want to come visit you even though she says she does. She's lying. Maybe she has some sort of overwhelming social anxiety & the idea of meeting you in real life terrifies her.

 

You have to accept that her behavior is never going to conform to what you want.

[stillafool]

Then why did she say she wants to come and was about to come until she found out she had something else?

 

Because she orginally wanted to come until something else came up that she'd rather do. It happens. The point is it is a family reunion and lots of relatives will be there. Forget about this cousin, you know she's a flake so enjoy your other relatives and stop taking this stuff personally. Stop talking to her as a matter of fact because you get too upset when she does what she always does and flake.

[stillafool]

<snip> She says that we met for a reason and God. She has said so many times she wants to get together.

 

Block her, she's a liar.

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[whichwayisup]

But why is she so interested in chatting on messenger? <snip>

 

Because it's easier and more convenient to chat this way than get together.

 

Either enjoy things as they are and leave it as an online cousin friendship or tell her you'd rather speak on the phone and get together in person.

 

Don't take it so personally as it's not about you, seems she's busy and may not have a lot of time, especially if you two live far apart.

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[Intevel80]

Well she just went to my page and liked some of my old posts. And used smiley emojis and said she can’t wait to get together.

 

I can’t even take her seriously now. But at some point doesn’t she need to stop the BS? I’m gonna ignore her for a while both on messenger and the posts.

 

Do you think maybe a part of her wants to come but maybe she’s apprehensive?

[Intevel80]

Because she orginally wanted to come until something else came up that she'd rather do. It happens. <snip>

So a part of her does want to come, right?

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[Intevel80]

She LIKES talking to you on messenger. She does not want to come visit you even though she says she does. She's lying. Maybe she has some sort of overwhelming social anxiety & the idea of meeting you in real life terrifies her. <snip>

 

 

So you think maybe she’s apprehensive about the real life thing? I saw her once at the Christmas party a couple years back. She kept saying we will definitely get together.

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[stillafool]

So a part of her does want to come, right?

 

Probably so. She's obviously very flighty and just goes with whatever she wants to do at the moment. I wouldn't get my hopes up that she will attend. If she does it will be a nice surprise. Try to look at it that way.

[stillafool]

. She kept saying we will definitely get together.

 

Can I ask why it is so important that you do?

[whichwayisup]

How far distance wise is your cousin from where you are?

 

I have some cousins I rarely see, they live far away and the few times a year I do see them it's great but most of the time communication is online or a phone call/skype.

 

I think you're putting way too much pressure on this friendship with your cousin, too much energy and emotion. You don't really "know" her and are reconnecting as adults. Slow down and get busy with other friends, don't let this be your only focus otherwise you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

Your cousin has a busy life and I think if you lower your expectation level you'll feel happier and just accept things as they are now and hope that she will come to the reunion so you two can hang out then.