Why do dumpers suddenly go out of their way to avoid the dumpee?

[hope18]

My recent breakup has left me curious about this particular situation which has happened to me and also a few of my friends.

 

*note, this is not me trying to get my ex back or anything like that, I'm just genuinely curious*

 

If the relationship was good, the dumpee did nothing to cause the breakup, and everything ended on good terms, why do dumpers suddenly go out of their way to avoid the dumpee?

 

For example my current situation: we were together for 6 months but he broke up with me because he couldn't handle a relationship. I cried obviously, but there was never any begging or pleading or chasing. We ended on good terms and he would say hey in passing and snapchat me. But then all of a sudden he started completely avoiding me, cut off all contact and won't even say hello. This confused me because I hadn't been clingy or anything, he was the one who initiated any contact. He then reappeared one day and acted totally normal before going radio silent again the next day and reinitiated the avoidance. (He's not seeing or talking to anyone else because then I would understand).

 

My friend is going through a similar thing. She and her ex had a mature breakup, he broke up with her because he got overwhelmed and now he is also totally avoiding her like she was the one who dumped him.

 

Why does this happen? I've heard people say it just means the dumper doesn't care anymore to keep in touch, but if they were truly indifferent wouldn't they be able to just say hey or have no issue running into each other?

[d0nnivain]

If the dumper is genuinely a good person, they know they hurt their EX when they left. They avoid the EX to avoid making it worse & they don't want to say hello when bumping into them because they don't want to see the hurt in their eyes. It's an avoidance / self protective thing. It's a bit immature. I don't say that in a mean way. Everybody was young once. It's just that dumper doesn't know what to do & does the wrong thing but out of ignorance not malice.

[hope18]

That makes sense. It does get confusing though like wouldn't they have just done this as soon as the breakup started? Not avoid for a few days, initiate contact, avoid for a few days, initiate contact and then go back to total avoidance.

 

It's just so weird to me, like, shouldn't the dumpee be the one behaving that way since they're hurting?

[PegNosePete]

Maybe he doesn't want you to find out that he's in a new relationship.

 

Because as we all know, "I'm not ready for a relationship" actually means "I don't want a relationship with you but I'll jump right in when the right person comes along".

 

So he avoids you to avoid hurting you.

 

Don't try to guess or generalise what dumpers or dumpees do. We are all individuals and all relationships are unique. You could say that many dumpers or dumpees act in a certain way but it's by no means applicable to everyone.

[hope18]

He's definitely not in one though, we live on a small college campus and from what I've seen/heard from mutual friends he was miserable after we broke up just over 2 weeks ago and he's been sticking to himself for the most part. You can read the full thread of our breakup on some of my previous posts (boyfriend distant after saying I love you)

 

He's definitely not the kind of guy to jump out of a serious relationship and immediately into another.

[Fair]

Dumping someone, severing oneself from someone's life … we're done with that person. Avoidance is natural.

 

It's very awkward anyway to keep running into an ex.

 

They could be afraid you'll still try to cling to them as the dumpee… bring up 'let's talk about what wrong,' discussions, and that's the last thing any dumper wants to do. Or maybe they feel guilty over it or for something they did to lead up to the break up.

 

Best to just respect it, stop agonizing over it and move on. It doesn't really matter why they're avoiding you. It's over.

[hope18]

That makes sense for most cases, but again the odd part is that he was the one to initiate contact 4 days after the breakup, then avoided for about a week, then popped up again (joined me while I was eating breakfast) and is now back to avoidance.

 

Same with my friend but it's only happened once, her ex cut her off immediately after the breakup but then reached out days later except hers was a phone call.

[PegNosePete]

the odd part is that he was the one to initiate contact 4 days after the breakup, then avoided for about a week, then popped up again (joined me while I was eating breakfast) and is now back to avoidance.

The odd part is that you're analysing his actions so much.

 

Look, the relationship is over. You need to move on, and stop worrying what your EX is up to.

[hope18]

I'm also not sure if this plays any part in the situation, but for both my friend and I the exes have kept us on all forms of social media. I'm used to the dumper unfollowing/removing from social media once they were done.

[hope18]

The odd part is that you're analysing his actions so much.

 

Look, the relationship is over. You need to move on, and stop worrying what your EX is up to.

 

I'm a curious person lol I study psychology, I analyze everyone and I'm genuinely curious about human behavior especially when it's not what would be expected in a given situation.

 

I'm not analyzing in hopes of his return, this is the second time he's run when his emotions overwhelmed him so I would never take him back. Again, just curious if anyone else has experience with similar situations, after all that is mostly what this site is for.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm also not sure if this plays any part in the situation, but for both my friend and I the exes have kept us on all forms of social media. I'm used to the dumper unfollowing/removing from social media once they were done.

 

I once left an ex on my social media. I didn't think anything of it because I was the one who ended it, and seeing his updates didn't rattle me or make me uncomfortable. I didn't delete him because I knew he was struggling with the break-up and thought he might be that much more hurt if I did. I figured if he didn't want to see my updates, he'd block or delete me.

 

Eventually, he did - and I didn't even notice. I happened to run into his best friend on a night out who mentioned my ex was curious about whether I still lived in our hometown (I had talked of moving away during our relationship) I thought it was an odd question, since I was still a fairly regular social media-user then and figured he'd have seen updates/photos there which confirmed that I had in fact moved. Turns out, he'd deleted me months before and I had no idea. That's how little attention I was paying to his online activity.

 

The point is that keeping exes on social media isn't necessarily a sign of anything. It could just be that the dumper is fairly indifferent about their ex and they don't mind seeing the odd post from them.

[ExpatInItaly]

To answer the principle question in this thread about why dumpers sometimes avoid dumpees:

 

I avoided the above-mentioned ex because I felt terrible for hurting him and didn't know what to say. The look on his face when we did see other each killed me. I also know he was still very much harboring hope for a reconciliation and I didn't want to feed that hope. We'd hung out "as friends" a couple times after the split, but it became obvious to me pretty quickly he was hoping these hang-outs meant something more. They didn't. That's when I put an end to the friendly catch-ups or chats.

Edited February 22, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[Grisha]

Ik you said you don’t think he’s into anyone but my best friend just dumped his gf and is very sad but he is seeing someone else and no one including his roommates knows that he’s seeing anyone. I’m the only one that knows. He feels wrong but he really likes this new girl. He’s still sad that he left his gf of 9 years.

Because of this I think he’s seeing someone else.

[edgygirl]

I was very nice with the last man I dumped, I explained why I was not in love so he could get closure etc. In theory, it ended “well”.

 

Still he went crazy and stalked me, non stop emails and calls... and said crazy things he was imagining - as asking if I was f-ing a mutual acquaintance that I never even met without him. I had to block him from everywhere. I started to get afraid he might do something. Sometimes it’s better to avoid the person.

[snowboy91]

Guilt - they know they've upset the person they dumped, so they try and avoid the person because they don't want to be reminded of the pain they've caused. They also may be afraid of causing more pain to that person by being around, or receiving nasty comments from the dumpee.