Will She Change Her Mind?

[Caught Offguard]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for a few months, and things were great. Or so I thought. She broke things off about a week ago and I had no idea it was something she was even thinking about. So, I'm still shocked and hurt.

 

For backstory -- we had been working together for about a year before we started dating. We had become friends pretty much from the start and mildly flirted a bit. She was in a long-term relationship, but wasn't happy and tried to end it a few times and finally did.

 

Pretty much at that same time, we started hanging out outside of work and started dating a couple weeks later. We clicked right away. We had fun doing everything whether it was going on trips or sitting on the couch watching TV. We connected on a deeper level, too. We talked about our feelings and how happy we made each other. I've never had anyone look at me the way she did. Like she was looking into my soul and loved what she saw.

 

She seemed happy. Her friends and family told me they haven't seen her as happy as that in years and that it was because of me. We never got in anything close to an argument. We talked about living together and were making plans for doing things almost a year from now.

 

She even said she was finally letting herself be happy because she had for too long stayed in a relationship she knew she wasn't happy in. She said many times that she wishes I had said something in the year before we started going out that she needed to leave him (but I knew it wasn't my place).

 

Then, it happened. All of a sudden she said she couldn't do it anymore. She said she is afraid she rushed into something that she didn't really want and didn't give herself time after ending her last relationship, and at this point in her life (she is 30, me 34) she needs to be on her own for a bit to figure out who she is and what she wants. I do understand all that, and there were tough days for her early on with us, which I expected. But once she started posting pics of us online and made us "FB official," it seemed like we had worked through it all.

 

She told me she had cried in the shower and to her friends more than she wanted to admit about us and whether she was doing something she wasn't ready for/didn't really want. She started thinking her happiness was more just that she wasn't in a bad relationship anymore and that anything by comparison was happier.

 

She also deals with anxiety, so she has a tendency to overthink and get easily worked up about things. There were times she was concerned I wasn't happy if she read a text the wrong way or something and she would get into her own head and start to worry. She'd ask every once in a while, "are we good?" I'd never get mad about it and would help her work through it. She'd also say from time to time things like "you deserve better" or "I'm a wreck," like she thought she wasn't good enough for me, which was never the case, and I would tell her that.

 

In breaking up with me, she pretty much closed the door on us getting back together, even after she takes some time to figure herself out. She said it wasn't me, but there was something missing for her. If it's not timing or me, the only thing I could think of is that she was missing a physical attraction, which, by the way she acted when we were together, never seemed like it was a problem.

 

And, this whole thing happened so suddenly. The night before Valentine's Day, she texted me a picture of the gift she put together for me because she was so excited about it and couldn't wait to give it to me. It was a collection of small, silly things, but they all meant something. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever put together for me, and she was so lovey when she sent me the picture.

 

But an hour later, it all changed. We had been planning on doing our Valentine's Day on the 15th and I was seeing if she still wanted to do the same thing we had already talked about or something different, and she said she was getting the feeling I wanted to be somewhere else (which I definitely didn't). Then, on Valentine's Day, she went out with a girlfriend who was having relationship problems. She was out late and told me the next day she was crying at the bar with her and realized she couldn't do it with me anymore. It's like she flipped a switch and that was it.

 

So, is there any chance that she could change her mind after taking some time to herself and want to get back together? And is there anything I could/should do to help make it happen? If anything in this post makes her sound crazy, she is not. She is a great girl and she has made me happier than I'd been in years, and I really want to see where things can go with us. My fear is that because of her anxiety and getting into something so soon after her last relationship, she has built a wall that is keeping herself from being completely free and happy and is scared to push past it. But, maybe I'm wrong. I do know that I don't want to give up on us.

[preraph]

I think she just transferred her feelings over to you. I do think she needs to be alone and on her own for awhile to sort herself out.

 

And anytime someone tells you they're a mess, you better believe them. She is a mess inside.

[Marc878]

Let her go. If you chase she'll just move farther away

[elaine567]

You were the rebound.

Sorry!

[Morello]

Textbook rebound, indeed. It sucks to be the rebound, man. Talking from experience.

 

Her 'love' or affection for you had little to do with you but all to do with her projection of her ideal male, maybe all of what the boyfriend was (or wasn't).

 

I'd say that it's extremely unlikely that she'd catch feelings for you after this rebound experience. At least not in the short term.

 

Although it may seem like a very confusing situation for you (and possibly for her as well), my suggestion is to not go for answers or explanations from her. Just leave her be. Let her process everything. Let her come to you if she thinks there's still something there in the future. But for now, you just move on and assume this is 100% finished business because it's the most likely scenario.

 

Also, learn the lesson to not get involved with someone fresh out from a relationship, regardless of them saying they are over it.