9+ years I love you but im not in love with you

[S1LVER GTi]

hi everyone who reads this my gf of 9 years walked out on me and our 2 kids saying I love you but I'm not in love with you she said she cares for me a grate deal and loves me but isn't in love with me anymore we talk daily because of the kids and I still take her places when she needs to get somewhere because I'm still in love with her after everything we have been through.

 

She thinks I took her for granted when in some instances I guess I did but at the same time she did to me I did everything for her I gave up my job to look after our kids so she could go to work its what she wanted she told me the other day she loves me lots then said sorry it was habit possibly she keeps telling me she needs to see change before she thinks about coming back she said like 2 years down the line she also said shes been unhappy for some time it came out of no were we were still intimate with each other the night she told me we both slept in the same bed cuddling all night.

 

I did the whole beg and plead thing because this woman is my everything shes all I have know for years 2 weeks before this happened we were planning on getting married in march I don't get it at the same time she is unhappy now aswell she has told me this her self she has also told me she misses me and the kids I did ask her if shes regretting her decision to leave but she never answered the night she split with me she sent me this text ( I know what I said but I do love you and I don't want you to leave I'm just not happy at the min its not all you ) I went to see her that night she was at a friends and she gave me a kiss and cuddle and said we would be ok I picked her and the kids up the next morning got home and I could see on her face she wasn't happy since we split we have been getting along for the kids she has broke down a few times infront of me.

 

I gave her a cuddle like a long loving cuddle when I try and talk to her about us all I get is I don't know your ****ing me off her words I'm 28 shes 27 we have only ever been apart for a week at most its been 5 very long weeks I haven't told her how I fully feel I have been writing it down on my laptop and keeping it to my self because I'm trying to give her space I don't know where to go from here she knows I'm in love with her she was asked out on a date a week after we split and she said no because it don't feel right because of me apparently but she said she it was nice talking to the guy but that she didn't want anything with anyone I know she has stress at work and our oldest child has behaviour problems and is stressful I'm finding it really tough at the min and don't know weather I'm coming or going I'm trying to keep it all together for the kids.

 

I don't need her to survive but I do WANT her and my family back together I asked her if I change can you love me again and she said yes %100 and then a week later she said I don't know when I asked her what changed she said she don't want to give me hope because she don't know what she wants what should I do next also I moved to the other side of the uk to be with her and left all my family

Edited February 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Turning point]

I love paragraphs.

 

I think you need to stop behaving as though this relationship is still underway and stop trying to be her knight in shining armor.

 

Let her take herself where she needs to go. Let her experience what not being in love with you is actually like on a daily basis.

 

You have to let her go because it's only when she sees you from a distance that she will ever appreciate you.

[Marc878]

Your behavior is doormatish and will just put you in worse shape.

 

You need to wake up.

 

Sounds like she has a new boyfriend and is trading you in.

[DKT3]

That is a phrase that is almost always covering the phase that should really be used, that is I have a new man, I'm going to try him out for a while, if it doesn't work I'll be back.

[Turning point]

It's unusual for a woman to walk out and leave her kids behind. This is something that cannot be allowed to get lost in your desperation to win her back.

 

If you left your job to care for these kids you need to go get another job. Stop begging her to return and start setting yourself up to be a responsible single parent. You do you - and stop trying to drive her bus. Let that excursion run it's course because you don't know where that bus is headed and you sure as hell don't want you and your kids to be thrown under it.

 

Neediness isn't going to make you look attractive to ANYONE including her, and certainly not to your children who's own emotional security depends on a strong role model.

[S1LVER GTi]

thanks for the replys

 

I don't contact her at all I let her contact me

 

and I only help her out when she needs it I don't offer to do anything for her if she asks then I'm happy to help its in my nature

 

and I'm showing my kids how to be a respectable person

 

I don't believe she has anyone else if shes not at works shes at her friends ( a woman she works with )

 

also on the job part I'm looking for jobs had a few interviews but nothing has come of it yet

[Secondplanet]

Sounds very similar to what i'm going through, my wife went back home to the UK to deal with family business and became distant from me while she was there, then snapped around 1/2 way through her stay saying how she wanted to reboot our marriage and start over and make more us time then she got back and broke up with me on Valentines day.

 

Turns out while she was over there she bumped into an old friend who she always loved and he was available and she said the whole "I love you but not in love with you" speech. But she gave me that speech about a week before she admitted to having an affair with someone else.

 

But we're birds of a feather as i still am doing my best to help her get packed to move over seas and she's leaving our daughters with me. Its flat out desertion, she may not be seeing someone else but she might have her eyes set on them.

 

My wife even did the whole yo-yo thing with our marriage where she wanted to fix it, then it was unfixable, then it was then wasn't...

[Turning point]

I don't believe she has anyone else if shes not at works shes at her friends ( a woman she works with )

 

also on the job part I'm looking for jobs had a few interviews but nothing has come of it yet

 

Healthy women don't leave their kids behind, especially with unemployed men - except in those instances where the kids get in the way of their extra-marital exploits.

 

Her friend is not a friend of your marriage or your children.

 

You need a job now, because you're going to be on your own and you're not going to see it coming.

[S1LVER GTi]

Hi all me and my ex gf broke up 5 weeks ago with the I love you but I'm not in love with you rubbish

 

we talk daily for the kids and we take them out together and are respectful towards each other

 

she left me with both kids and moved out the problem I am having is she has told me she loves me and cares about me a grate deal shes just not in love with me

 

at the min I'm giving her all the space she wants I don't message her unless she contacts me

 

since the brake up we have had a few long loving hugs but that's it she has told me she loves me lots but said it was habit

 

she is also unhappy with her situation now but doesn't want to come back

 

she spoke to her nan last night and told her that shes confused and doesn't know what she wants

 

but she knows that I'm a good man all her family are telling me to tell her to get lost but I'm in love with this woman she is my rock my life my world my everything

 

I don't need her in my life to survive but I do want her in my life she knows all this

 

she has told me if I change she can love me again but then went back on that saying I don't know shes very emotional around me

 

we were meant to get married next month I am respecting her wishes for time and space her nan thinks at some point she will come back after realising what has gone but I'm not so sure

 

what do I do next with my life right now I am focusing on becoming a better person for me and my kids but no I'm not over her and never will be she is the one for me and I will wait for her

[preraph]

Okay, you're not married. Here's what I would do. I would petition the court and insist she does joint custody of the children. Those are her kids too. She can't just dump them on you and go do whatever she wants. You were great to be the stay-at-home dad, but it's time you got back to work. So make her take the kids and have to do everything for them 3 and a half days a week. Then you each have to just spend money on them for the big things like doctor visits, school, etc. but just keep them fed and clothed when they're with you.

 

And do not let her take advantage of you just because you're the one who cares more. Because she will come teary eyed begging you to take the kids more when it's her time and that will only jeopardize your job to have to be the one to leave work to pick one up from school instead of her jeopardizing her own work. So you need to get a backbone here.

 

Make her do her half and don't let her talk you into taking the load.

 

Then she can decide if between work and being a half-time parent she wants to date or not -- and you can and should do the same. You should start dating because once a woman leaves, she's not coming back. I'm sure she does care about you, but that's not the same as wanting to live with you and be with you and you shouldn't put up with it because she's going to get out there, and probably soon, and be dating.

 

I would call the family court clerk in whatever county you live in (google it) and ask her how an unmarried couple goes about filing for joint custody and let her know you are the one who wants her to care for the kids and do her part. I don't know if you'll need an attorney or not. Ask the clerk. Make an appointment.

 

Do not come back at me with "I want her back" and telling me you're going to just lie there like a good dog and take care of everything in the hopes she'll come back. You say she won't come back unless you change. She won't come back even if you do, and change isn't that easy anyway -- and most of all, you're the one carrying the load right now, so she's got no room to talk.

 

Accept that it's over. Yes, stats show couples often reunite at least once, but then it just falls apart again. You go job shopping and get a job and get her joint custody.

[d0nnivain]

In another thread you said you were supposed to get married next month. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/678053-9-years-wasted First make sure you cancel everything associated with the wedding. You probably won't get your money back at this last minute but you do need to tell the vendors that their services won't be needed.

 

One of the reasons your GF left after 9 years & 2 kids is that she says you took her for granted. Now you are planning to ignore her. That is not you taking responsibility or fixing that shortcoming. You would be better served offering her premarital counseling.

 

I am concerned that she left & didn't take her kids. What kind of woman abandons her own children? Are you SURE this is about you & the relationship? It reads more like she's fleeing from her grown up responsibilities. You two have been together since you were teens. I can't help but wonder if she's craving some sort of excitement fearing that she missed out on something having kids so young?

[S1LVER GTi]

hi everyone tbh I don't know whats going on in her head no one dose and she don't either she has suffered with depression since before we got together. She has told me shes battling her own thoughts and at the min things are ok between us were talking like adults for the kids and no I'm not ignoring her at all if she messages me then I message back I know it looks strange that she left the kids with me but it makes more sense as I have been the stay at home dad but I understand were your coming form

 

She dose see the kids every week on her days off ;like I said I don't think there is anyone else she is open and honest with me and no I'm not rolling over to her every demand so to speak I do say no to her at times as were not together I don't have to do it now.

 

I guess only time will tell what will happen with us like I said about the job thing I'm looking every day and applying for everything I can find and well I'm changing as a person to be a better man for me and my kids and if we don't get back together in the end I have still become a better person for me and the kids.

 

I'm not going through the courts as I have no reason to do so although she has broken my heart I do not hold any hate or resentment towards the woman so see no reason to make things harder than they have to be; she did what she thought was right at the time and I know she is suffering just as much if not more.

Edited February 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Turning point]

It would be really easy to ignore this thread because Op - you are your own worst enemy but, you have kids and you are failing to put their interest and welfare first.

 

Go back and READ POST #9 again! Come back every day and read it once more until it actually sinks in and you wake up to reality.

[S1LVER GTi]

It would be really easy to ignore this thread because Op - you are your own worst enemy but, you have kids and you are failing to put their interest and welfare first.

 

Go back and READ POST #9 again! Come back every day and read it once more until it actually sinks in and you wake up to reality.

 

i did read it and I am putting my kids first every single time there happy healthy and well looked after I just don't need to make life harder for anyone

 

just because she left me don't mean I need to be horrible to her

 

if I wasn't putting my kids first I would have moved back home that's 188 miles away from my kids and I'm ashamed to say I did and still do think about it but its not right and I could not abandon my children there not the ones to blame for this

[chryssy83]

There is a lot more to putting your kids first than just not moving 180 miles away and abandoning them. Seriously you need to be thinking about how you put together a life where they can prosper and feel safe not just meet their minimum needs.

[S1LVER GTi]

like I said 3 times now I am putting my kids first every single time my life is revolving around them taking them out every day making sure there happy and that me and the mum love them both so much

Edited February 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[anika99]

Okay, you're not married. Here's what I would do. I would petition the court and insist she does joint custody of the children. Those are her kids too. She can't just dump them on you and go do whatever she wants.

 

Make her do her half and don't let her talk you into taking the load.

 

.

 

I don't think there is any such thing as making someone take joint custody. That's usually something a parent requests for themselves, not something that is forced upon them. If this mom wants to walk away from her children and abandon her custody then there is no law that will stop her from doing that. If parents could force their ex to take joint custody then you better believe that there would be hordes of single moms doing that very thing.

[preraph]

Yeah, but she's not. And I agree she had kids too young and feels she missed out on her young adult years and is restless and probably totally needs to find herself, but having kids isn't like buying a bathing suit you don't like. You are still obligated to accept your own limitations and take care of your kids and she should be made to do that. She might be happier on her own but still having joint custody than she is living with the father of her kids.

[S1LVER GTi]

Yeah, but she's not. And I agree she had kids too young and feels she missed out on her young adult years and is restless and probably totally needs to find herself, but having kids isn't like buying a bathing suit you don't like. You are still obligated to accept your own limitations and take care of your kids and she should be made to do that. She might be happier on her own but still having joint custody than she is living with the father of her kids.

 

I never once said she is running away from her responsibility's

 

she has both our girls 2-3 times a week due to her work been on a 2 week rota 3 days one week 4 days the next

 

and as I stated before shes not happy with her life right now she has told me this her self

 

and yes your right that is something else she has told me she feels like she needs to find her self

[anika99]

OP your girlfriend is most likely seeing someone else. People in long term relationships usually don't contemplate whether what they feel for their partner is being in love or just love unless they have feelings for someone else and they are comparing.

 

I don't understand how she can just walk out on her kids like that, especially when they rely on her for support, but she did and now you have to make the best of it for your children. Let her go and start making the best life you can for you and your kids.

[S1LVER GTi]

OP your girlfriend is most likely seeing someone else. People in long term relationships usually don't contemplate whether what they feel for their partner is being in love or just love unless they have feelings for someone else and they are comparing.

 

I don't understand how she can just walk out on her kids like that, especially when they rely on her for support, but she did and now you have to make the best of it for your children. Let her go and start making the best life you can for you and your kids.

 

being honest I don't know if she has someone else or not but she did tell me she was asked out on a date and she said no because it don't feel right and other people have asked her if shes seeing someone else and she has said no she has no reason to lie were not together

 

she also knows that I am here for her I know its a stupid thing to say and maybe in 6 months a year down the line if she comes back I might decide I don't want her

 

for now my focus is my kids and getting over this

[chryssy83]

The reason she would choose to lie if she’s seeing someone is because of what you said...she knows you are there for her and she might come back in 6 months or something down the road. She’s keeping you as a backup plan.

[S1LVER GTi]

The reason she would choose to lie if she’s seeing someone is because of what you said...she knows you are there for her and she might come back in 6 months or something down the road. She’s keeping you as a backup plan.

 

yes I have seen a lot of people saying stuff like that on other threads I'm not sure tbh why would she shes not in love with me

[chryssy83]

Sometimes people do things that don’t make sense. Like you wanting her to come back but also saying you don’t think she is in love with you.

 

Don’t feel bad I don’t have my stuff figured out at all. It’s easier from the outside loooking in.

[S1LVER GTi]

Sometimes people do things that don’t make sense. Like you wanting her to come back but also saying you don’t think she is in love with you.

 

Don’t feel bad I don’t have my stuff figured out at all. It’s easier from the outside loooking in.

 

I think its more to do with her reason for splitting up after all this time

 

thought our relationship I haven't always been in love with her there was times when I thought about leaving but didn't because when you love someone you don't just walk away you work through it

 

it just doesn't make sense