Husband wants a baby, but there are some serious issues....

[Rainbowstars]

Husband wants a baby, but I am not sure its the right time..

 

My Husband provides for us, is caring, sweet and we laugh together

all the time. The issue I am having, is he wants to have a baby and has

recently been showing me pictures of his friend's babies.

 

In the past year, we have had our set of major issues. I have gone far as mentioning counseling or divorce. He is the type of person who shuts down, refuses to let me stay with my Grandparents (Because its 2 hours away), jokes when I express how I feel and never takes what I say serious. I feel trapped and have been weighing if its worth staying for the sake of a comfortable life, as well pleasing both our Families. (Note: You can check my previous threads for our history.) He refuses to go to counseling, even though he has promised in the past to go. I have also thought about just going myself..

 

Here is where I believe we are not ready for a baby and why I am so unsure..

1) He has shown serious rage issues during and after playing online games like Dota 2.

 

2) He will then take that rage out on me, if I confront him about it or ask that he stop using

such nasty language. He will threaten people in the game, make Mom jokes, tell people to go kill themselves, talk about his private in comparison to their own or that their Mom enjoys it. It leaves me feeling awful. I have removed my mic twice over the behavior and have since, not given it back. I fear what he will do in front of a child or if they hear it and when he does get a mic for online gaming with friends, how that will alter our marriage.

 

3) He makes a mess when cooking, leave his food/dishes on the counter, expecting me to clean it up. He often has spilled stuff on the carpet and just recently got red liquid all over the wall and carpet that it looked like a horror film. Instead of helping to clean it up, he started a game and played, while I was the one absorbing the liquid with hot water. The least he did was boil the water and bring it to me in a rush to get back into gaming.

 

4) I've found myself questioning my happiness, missing the feeling of just being single and not having ties. I at times just feel like I am in the wrong place and took a huge leap into marriage, without thinking of what it entailed. He didn't show this side, till we got married..

 

5) I avoid and don't feel satisfied when having sex with him. I literally cannot get off, even when I truly have tried. I often avoid sex when he asks and if he gets hands on with me, I pull his hand away. Its the strangest reaction, but I just cannot bring myself to be intimate with him.. Later I will take care of myself at times when he is asleep and I feel really bad for it.. I just don't feel an intimate connection sexual wise, but it does not at all remove my love for him. I can't explain it, but I know it bothers him deeply and makes him feel depressed in some ways. I don't know what to do there and can't yell at my ovaries and mind to orgasm or say "Hey wtf is wrong with you? Why are you not working?"

 

6) I feel that if we have a baby, then that puts me further in the marriage like another ball and chain only on the other foot, where a child will be involved. Deep down I know there is a feeling, that we might not make it..

 

At times I think I am just being critical, complaining too much and having silly thoughts about our marriage. These feelings come and go between wanting to run away and stay, but there being no where to go. (I live too far away and stuck in a lease) Then I think back on our commitments and feel everything is just a combination of fear and anxiety. I am just afraid that when the time comes and I get older to have a child, that I won't want to. He claims that he will change and that I can't base what he does now, in comparison to actually planning and having a baby. That it will change when I have a baby and that he is trying.. He also constantly apologizes when messing up, but continues and its hard to take him serious.

Edited February 23, 2019 by Rainbowstars

[BaileyB]

I would not have a baby with this man.

 

First, you have an absolute responsibility NOT to bring a child into a home where the child’s father has issues with anger and is verbally abusive. To bring a child into this situation is irresponsible.

 

Second, he has absolutely no idea of the work that is required to care for a child. Unless you want to be raising a child while your husband is playing his video games and yelling at the other players, don’t bring a child into this world.

 

And third, your marriage is in trouble. You are desperately unhappy and dreaming about a different life. Life is hard enough for a child when they are brought into the world by two people who want the child and have a strong, healthy, stable marriage. If you can’t give your child this, then you shouldn’t have a child.

 

Get some counselling for yourself and make your decision about the marriage. Good luck to you.

Edited February 23, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rainbowstars]

How do I get him to see that this marriage is in trouble? How can I force him into counseling or to take me serious on this matter? I understand in not bringing a baby into this world, but would like more feedback on the other parts of this issue. Thank you again for the help..

[BaileyB]

I’m assuming based on what you have written that you have spoken with him, and your experience has been that he does not listen to you and refuses to go to counselling.

 

In that case, I would make it crystal clear to him how you are feeling - there will be no baby and there may well be no marriage if he doesn’t go to counselling with you. If you want him to understand, you must give him a consequence that will get his attention.

 

There is also nothing saying that you need to go to counselling WITH your husband. It seems to me that you may really benefit from the opportunity to go on your own, to decide what YOU really want for your life, before you invite your husband to join you...

[S2B]

You’ll have two babies you’re raising.

 

Not a good plan.

 

I’d think it’s tough enough with that man child.

 

Make sure you’re eating money and can support yourself. Always have an exit plan in place.

 

Protect yourself.

[S2B]

How do I get him to see that this marriage is in trouble? How can I force him into counseling or to take me serious on this matter? I understand in not bringing a baby into this world, but would like more feedback on the other parts of this issue. Thank you again for the help..

 

YOU tell him!

 

Have a voice and speak your truth!

 

Speak up. Be clear. Let him know you are ready to end the marriage because you’re not happy with the way he participates.

 

If he intends to keep up the childish ways - leave him.

 

He needs to grow up!

 

And quit cleaning up ANY messes he makes! He should clean up after himself!

 

Stop making it easy for him to use you like you’re a maid.

 

Start - or make sure - you’re earning enough money to support yourself.

[Els]

I at times just feel like I am in the wrong place and took a huge leap into marriage, without thinking of what it entailed. He didn't show this side, till we got married..

Did you live together at all before you got married? IMO it's relatively unusual for someone to make a 180 change like that just because they signed their marriage certificate. More than likely he was always like this, but if you didn't live with him you might not have noticed.

 

Going with that line of thought, I really doubt there is anything you can do. Counselling can fix some problems, but if someone was like this all his life, and especially if he is reluctant to go to counselling and only goes because you have given him an ultimatum... well, counselling can do many things, but it's not a miracle. I really doubt it'll work.

 

I would strongly suggest divorcing. You are relatively young, you have no children together, cut the cord. Get on your own financial feet ASAP. Talk to a women's shelter if need be. And for the love of god DOUBLE up on contraception if you continue to have sex with him.

 

Edit: Well, I just read https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/673839-things-turning-physical . Seriously. Call a women's shelter. You can get temporary accommodation and help from them while you divorce him. Get out of there.

Edited February 23, 2019 by Elswyth

[BaileyB]

 

Edit: Well, I just read https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/673839-things-turning-physical . Seriously. Call a women's shelter. You can get temporary accommodation and help from them while you divorce him. Get out of there.

 

Oh goodness, leave - today. There is a reason why you are dreaming of another life. You are in an abusive marriage.

[The Dude Abides]

RainbowStars

 

Bailey hits all the points right away.

 

I have to add for emphasis that having a baby is hard enough at times , even for a couple who loves and supports each other, not to mention all the drama and difficulties you are experiencing. Mrs Dude Abides had two difficult pregnancies and one difficult delivery. Her physical and emotional health after the first pregnancy was in bad shape. And I pretty much stopped everything to help her as much as I could with both pregnancies. It was hard, very hard, for both of us. Very stressful. Exhausting. And at times, demoralizing. I suffered along with her because I felt for her so strongly and to the point that I became one of those men who has empathetic pains (BTW, I thought that was all BS until it happened to me ).

 

Its sure doesn't sound like your husband is the type of man who will step up and help and support his pregnant wife, and surely he isn't the type to help when you're in the post-delivery doldrums. If he won't clean up his dishes he likely isn't going to help when the baby has spit up all over and pooped and peed all over everything.

 

Of course, you might sail through a pregnancy with no problems, delivery and afterwards with no problems, but even then, is he the type to love and support you and the baby with all his heart? It doesn't seem that way based on what you have written.

 

And really, if you cringe at his touch, then that tells you enough right there that this is not the man with whom you should bring a baby into this world.

 

Best wishes for you and your emotional well-being.

[Rainbowstars]

(UPDATE)

 

Thank you for the much needed advice. I will be coming back to this thread and reading over everything again, so I keep this close to mind. I confronted him about everything and even though it turned into a fight at first, we started to sit down and seriously get into the discussion of our marriage. I told him about my feelings on having a baby in our marriage, the fact that I struggle having sex or being physically and emotionally satisfied. (Was tough to hear) He kept asking why I felt that way, but I honestly have no clue where it comes from. Its like a mental shut down, that is hard to explain, even for myself. Whether that be falling out of love, resentment or a physical/mental issue. I also told him that I asked for public advice on a love forum. (This really got his attention) I expressed my frustration with cleaning up after him, not listening and other serious issues. That these feelings have been here off and on for a long time, that this has never been a one time occurrence. I told him we will need to use protection from now on if ever intimate and that a baby is not in our future, till we work on our marriage first. Even though I want a baby, I refuse to bring a child into a marriage that is damaged or not filled with mutual and true love. That if we were to ever have a baby, they would be the one to suffer from a broken Family, divorce and separation. With that in mind, I cannot have a child with him..

 

I mentioned counseling and said I would go alone or we go together. If I have to give an ultimatum and no effort is made on his part, then the marriage is pretty much over. (This would be our final attempt to save things.) I also stated that I wanted to stay with my Grandparents for two weeks or longer, to deeply have time to think and decide how I am feeling. (I need space to breathe in all honesty.) He will no longer ask for constant water refills, neither speak to me in demand or expect me to clean up after him. When I need him, his games come last.. The other option to refusing me from staying with Grandparents to think, was selling most of my stuff and packing up to leave the marriage for good.

 

I am very firm on trying before divorce, because there is a lot at risk that is not included in my thread post. We are going to work on this, with result of change. Start going on dates, taking care of ourselves and making an effort to create balance (Looking better appearance, cause marriage/comfort has made us lazy.) no talking down to one another, raising voice, blaming, shaming. We both need to pull our weight in the marriage or call it quits.. If It ends up being that the marriage just fails, then we will try counseling before going separate ways and starting the process of divorce.

 

I just can't fake being happy and its incredibly difficult to love someone deeply, but push away physically and feel yourself emotionally slipping. It breaks my heart and I can't live that way for my own health. Thank you all for the help, I really do mean it! I hopefully will come back with an update on whether we make it in the end. Hopefully it will be for the better..

Edited February 24, 2019 by Rainbowstars

[The Dude Abides]

Hi RainbowStars

 

It's nice to hear that you have so quickly decided to act and take a step in the right direction. I admire you for wanted to try, one more, albeit with some serious requirements on your part. So many posts here at LS are by folks who are in despair, they receive some solid and clear-headed advice, and yet continue to fly the plane into the mountain.

 

Best wishes and I hope you post again soon with continued progress reports that have some hope rather than more anguish.

[preraph]

I'll be blunt. He's wanting to lock you down where you can't leave.

 

That list of yours, of course, you do not want to even stay with him, much less have a baby! You feel trapped now, wait until you have a baby and are reliant on him and have to put up with him even if you would divorce for the next at least 18 years. Just pull the plug. He's going to pressure you trying to stop you from doing it, but you already know this isn't working. And he'd be a terrible rageful father to your children.

[preraph]

How do I get him to see that this marriage is in trouble? How can I force him into counseling or to take me serious on this matter? I understand in not bringing a baby into this world, but would like more feedback on the other parts of this issue. Thank you again for the help..

 

You can't change people. He might try for awhile, but he'd just go back to his old ways. He's got too many problems to have a kid with him. And you're already feeling stifled. It's crazy to even consider this.

[Els]

(UPDATE)

 

Thank you for the much needed advice. I will be coming back to this thread and reading over everything again, so I keep this close to mind. I confronted him about everything and even though it turned into a fight at first, we started to sit down and seriously get into the discussion of our marriage. I told him about my feelings on having a baby in our marriage, the fact that I struggle having sex or being physically and emotionally satisfied. (Was tough to hear) He kept asking why I felt that way, but I honestly have no clue where it comes from. Its like a mental shut down, that is hard to explain, even for myself.

 

 

What do you mean you have no clue where it comes from!??! How about "it's coming from you being abused verbally and physically"?

 

 

I don't understand why the talk even focused on sex. I'm a person who values sex, and trust me - sex is the least of your worries.

 

 

 

 

I also stated that I wanted to stay with my Grandparents for two weeks or longer, to deeply have time to think and decide how I am feeling. (I need space to breathe in all honesty.) He will no longer ask for constant water refills, neither speak to me in demand or expect me to clean up after him. When I need him, his games come last.. The other option to refusing me from staying with Grandparents to think, was selling most of my stuff and packing up to leave the marriage for good.

 

I am very firm on trying before divorce, because there is a lot at risk that is not included in my thread post. We are going to work on this, with result of change. Start going on dates, taking care of ourselves and making an effort to create balance (Looking better appearance, cause marriage/comfort has made us lazy.) no talking down to one another, raising voice, blaming, shaming. We both need to pull our weight in the marriage or call it quits.. If It ends up being that the marriage just fails, then we will try counseling before going separate ways and starting the process of divorce.

 

Staying with grandparents is a good idea. As for him "changing", my main concern is that it's all lip service. I hope for your sake this works out, but you really need an exit plan in case the physical abuse starts escalating. And you don't have one.

[whichwayisup]

I feel trapped and have been weighing if its worth staying for the sake of a comfortable life, as well pleasing both our Families.

 

Your gut is screaming to you to get out! He isn't the one for you. Look at all the reasons you put down as to how you feel about him, sex with him and a life with him. You may love him but it seems he isn't supportive, doesn't communicate with you and has control issues (not allowing you to stay at YOUR grandparents house 2 hours away?!).

 

Don't stay with someone to make others happy. This is YOUR life not theirs!

 

Do not have a baby with this man!!

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me that you are dragging your heels on having a baby because you are not happy with him and are fearful of his behaviour. He sounds like he has an anger problem and can be controlling. He should have no say on whether you spend a bit of time with a relative or not.

 

A baby is a huge commitment. Once you have one, you will be trapped. It is hard to escape a marriage with a small child to look after. You will be vulnerable, find it difficult to get a job and/or afford childcare, and so will be stuck with him.

 

You are physically turned off by him or by the fear of having a baby with him - your body is trying to tell you something.

 

You have expressed some doubts about his temper and behaviour when it comes to there being a vulnerable child in the house.

 

You have great reservations. Listen to your instincts. This is not the right situation to go ahead and have children.

 

It is possible to love someone but not be in love with them. It is also possible to love someone but not be able to live with them or contemplate a future together. It sounds like this is the time to cut and run if you are going to.

[alphamale]

this is odd behavior for a man. most of us are avoiding becoming a parent until the very last minute or not at all

[usa1ah]

Move out and start the divorce.

 

There is no other way to go with this. You do not love your husband and he treats you poorly.

 

Move on with your life with out him.