bathtub-row Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 (edited) I agree about your husband. You obviously have good reasons for not wanting to remain in the marriage. That’s your call. But you’ve got a lot of time ahead of you to go through your pregnancy, dealing with being a new mother, all that. This may not be the best time to focus on a divorce. I mean, you got pregnant with this guy so how urgent can the divorce be at this stage of the game? Nothing says you ever have to chase a guy. They’re pretty good at chasing. This is why I don’t chase because it tends to backfire down the road, like in your case. You thought you liked him but realize that had you never pursued him, you would’ve gone with someone else. So, in the future, don’t chase, don’t initiate. Let a guy who’s truly interested in you find you. As far as the MM is concerned, I get it that you’re hungry for attention and he’s doing all the right things, with his heart in his eyes. But others have asked valid questions about what would you think of a single guy being so intent on you? What would you think of a single guy who spent so little time with his own child? I’m not nuts about the photos he’s sharing on social media, either. It tells me that he’s keeping up appearances while schmoozing behind his wife’s back. If he was really done with his marriage, I would think he’d go completely dark on the family thing. There are just too many red flags here, but the most serious issue is that you don’t want to get this guy out of your life because you’re already hooked on the attention. I can’t say enough how very badly this can turn out for you. Edited February 26, 2019 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 26, 2019 Author Share Posted February 26, 2019 I agree about your husband. You obviously have good reasons for not wanting to remain in the marriage. That’s your call. But you’ve got a lot of time ahead of you to go through your pregnancy, dealing with being a new mother, all that. This may not be the best time to focus on a divorce. I mean, you got pregnant with this guy so how urgent can the divorce be at this stage of the game? As far as the MM is concerned, I get it that you’re hungry for attention and he’s doing all the right things, with his heart in his eyes. But others have asked valid questions about what would you think of a single guy being so intent on you? What would you think of a single guy who spent so little time with his own child? I’m not nuts about the photos he’s sharing on social media, either. It tells me that he’s keeping up appearances while schmoozing behind his wife’s back. If he was really done with his marriage, I would think he’d go completely dark on the family thing. There are just too many red flags here, but the most serious issue is that you don’t want to get this guy out of your life because you’re already hooked on the attention. I can’t say enough how very badly this can turn out for you. Thank you. I agree that there should be no divorce urgency. My husband just seems mostly obsessed with texting and emailing repeatedly to find out what I’ve been up to since he started asking for a divorce. It was a super old family photo but I agree. I have definitely decreased my level of interest - refusing to come over several times he’s suggested it, making other plans and not telling him with whom, repeatedly stressing when he makes flirtatious comments that I’m not putting myself in an unfair position. He said he wasn’t expecting to fall for anyone romantically and so the separation had no urgency, but it’s only been the last month he’s realized how he feels for me. That IS really soon to process things and take action, but that does not mean I “wait around” for him or give him all my attention. Clearly I have ZERO interest in dating anytime soon but if things were different, I would go out w others now. I know he’s said he’d be jealous but he knows he has no right Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 just tell his wife and get on with ur life. been there and telling her got me out of the affair Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 My husband continues to say the same thing as the past month, that he wants to get separated/divorced, except now he’s added an obsessive line of questioning over & over if I’m talking to/doing anything physical with this MM. aggravating because I told him clearly that if we were going to work on our relationship then I’d stop talking to him in a heartbeat. But he is constantly insisting our relationship is over for a month, and now thinking he has the right to ask what else I’m up to? Obnoxious, but well - you technically are still married. Possibly he's waffling and looking for a deal-breaker or further fuel to the D fire? Or since you're pregnant, he's wondering if the baby is his? I'm no lawyer, but I understand that depending on which state you live in infidelity can be an issue during a D. In some states I understand it's possible to sue the AP as well. You might want to get a free consultation from a lawyer in your state before owning up to anything. That said, if he does find out, by whatever means, strongly recommend that you be fully honest with him. "Trickle-truthing" just compounds the pain for the BS from what I understand. So, just tell him everything if/when he knows. No sense in adding to the resentment. Hope you are starting to line up family and friends for help with the P and baby as it's not sounding too good on the man front. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Yeah, I already had a legal consult, she said it will make no difference to be involved w someone else even now and we would’ve had to sleep together for even a minor risk of any consequence. I’m just avoiding it for other reasons. It’s annoying because my husband could’ve avoided the pain by, you know, saying he wanted to work on the marriage instead of saying he just wanted a divorce and also that he’s never done anything wrong himself (ugh). I had told him I would’ve immediately stopped talking to MM if we thought marriage could be saved. But now he just wants to go the route of badgering me about what I’m doing now Yeah, I was never counting on much baby help from my husband anyhow. I mean, when a guy says he’s going to make an unnecessary career move several states away...and it’s up to me to give up stable job and life I’ve just settled into after moving here for him... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 It’s annoying because my husband could’ve avoided the pain by, you know, saying he wanted to work on the marriage instead of saying he just wanted a divorce and also that he’s never done anything wrong himself (ugh). I had told him I would’ve immediately stopped talking to MM if we thought marriage could be saved. But now he just wants to go the route of badgering me about what I’m doing now Well, doesn’t he have a right to know what is happening in his marriage. I mean, you are dangling this other man on a stick... what man would like that? To continue in this manner is hurtful to your husband. Your marriage is clearly over if your husband is telling you that he wants a divorce. Just end it already, and end his agony. It’s actually the kind thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 This affair is all wrong for you. That guy is going to drag you down into a place of pain and misery. That doesn't prevent your marriage from being all wrong for you as well. The circumstances are rarely an either or choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I would also be really concerned about the judgment of a man who tells a woman he barely knows that he will essentially raise another man’s child. Most men don’t do this - they would have no interest in another man’s wife when that woman is carrying the other man’s child. Maybe he's chasing her (love bombing) to satisfy a pregnancy fetish? He's obviously been moving fast and hard to get her revved up. OP, you sound very vulnerable, and you may have it all wrong about this guy. A man who only sees his wife and kids once every two months is an unknown quantity to everyone around him. Stranger Danger, Will Robinson. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Maybe he's chasing her (love bombing) to satisfy a pregnancy fetish? He's obviously been moving fast and hard to get her revved up. OP, you sound very vulnerable, and you may have it all wrong about this guy. A man who only sees his wife and kids once every two months is an unknown quantity to everyone around him. Stranger Danger, Will Robinson. He sincerely thought (a year ago) that she & their son were going to follow... then his wife was like nope, because things were already feeling on the outs. Not sure about your assessment because it’s been a few months and there are many days all he wants to do is sincerely talk to me for hours at brunch or on phone or wherever. I would never just not hear from him for a day & I do no initiating of talking. I mentioned how my husband glossed over the baby concern... he eventually made some obligatory nice statements about it, then very quickly changed the subject to trying to enlist my help for a non urgent work project. ???? Meanwhile I’m talking to no guy and just upset in bed worried about the baby... he is such a workaholic and truly just seems not to have normal range of emotion Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Yeah, I already had a legal consult, she said it will make no difference to be involved w someone else even now and we would’ve had to sleep together for even a minor risk of any consequence. I’m just avoiding it for other reasons. It’s annoying because my husband could’ve avoided the pain by, you know, saying he wanted to work on the marriage instead of saying he just wanted a divorce and also that he’s never done anything wrong himself (ugh). I had told him I would’ve immediately stopped talking to MM if we thought marriage could be saved. But now he just wants to go the route of badgering me about what I’m doing now Yeah, I was never counting on much baby help from my husband anyhow. I mean, when a guy says he’s going to make an unnecessary career move several states away...and it’s up to me to give up stable job and life I’ve just settled into after moving here for him... Does this post sound ok to you? So you need your husband to commit to you before you stop seeing a married man? First, didn't he already commit to you once? How did that work in stopping you from starting with another man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 I considered it a huge lack of commitment to the relationship to unilaterally decide (despite my many objections with logical, strong reasons) to insist upon doing training multiple states away for 5 years. His latest excuse was that he couldn’t stay when he didn’t feel the relationship was strong enough (this was long ago) bc I “didn’t respect his work” (-aholism on zero-profit projects. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 (edited) I considered it a huge lack of commitment to the relationship to unilaterally decide (despite my many objections with logical, strong reasons) to insist upon doing training multiple states away for 5 years. His latest excuse was that he couldn’t stay when he didn’t feel the relationship was strong enough (this was long ago) bc I “didn’t respect his work” (-aholism on zero-profit projects. So, to get him back you have gone and found yourself another man... something that could be considered a huge lack of commitment to the relationship to unilaterally decide to insist on turning away from the relationship by engaging in another, very inappropriate relationship. Seriously, end the misery. Neither one of you want to be married anymore. Call a lawyer. Edited February 27, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I don’t think you deserve to be criticized for wanting out of your marriage. Your husband sounds irrational, cold, and trying. He’s also very uncommitted to you and shows very little enthusiasm for the child. He shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that your attention has gone elsewhere. I just hate to see you get sucked in by the MM. He’s playing you and knows exactly how to do it. Most women just don’t think his way and that’s why we’re vulnerable to it. These guys are very, very smooth and play the game extremely well. I don’t know what the solution is because things are very much up in the air for you. Being pregnant adds a whole other element of problems. You could take your chances with MM but I wouldn’t recommend it. You’re much more vulnerable than you realize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Agree, I can’t count on some amazing outcome with the MM, though all I know is that I really enjoy his company and feel oddly fulfilled by whatever relationship we have right now. Like, he calls or wants to see me every night even if just to get food, and somehow this makes me happy enough bc it’s already more than my own husband has really ever given, attention or chemistry/passion wise?! I guess that shows how Aspberger’s-like he is?! my question and focus is whether I can stand to stay attached to my husband who is just hardly present/is a workaholic, with whom I’ve never had any passion. I feel I could probably stay in the relationship if my sexual needs were met elsewhere but obviously my husband doesn’t want an open relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I understand that MM makes you feel good and special but you’re playing a very dangerous game. That’s all I’ll say about it. Your husband doesn’t need to be married and he doesn’t need a family - but there it is. Maybe you should just carry on with the divorce and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewhawk Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 So the only way you’d stop seeing the OM is if your husband recommits?! Wow that’s pretty hypocritical. You should’ve divorced him first before jumping into another relationship. I feel sorry for the husband, he’s the real victim in all of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 So the only way you’d stop seeing the OM is if your husband recommits?! Wow that’s pretty hypocritical. You should’ve divorced him first before jumping into another relationship. I feel sorry for the husband, he’s the real victim in all of this. He doesn’t sound like a victim at all to me. People think they can do what they want and act how they want when in a marriage but that’s a mistake. Her husband is barely around, makes long term plans without her, pisses $$ away with consistently bad decisions, etc. He’s hardly a victim. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 He doesn’t sound like a victim at all to me. People think they can do what they want and act how they want when in a marriage but that’s a mistake. Her husband is barely around, makes long term plans without her, pisses $$ away with consistently bad decisions, etc. He’s hardly a victim. He's not a victim of a bad marriage perhaps, but a victim of her infidelity. If I have friend who was snarky and mean to me all the time, I have every right to drop them and no longer be friends with them. But I don't have a right to strangle his puppy. That would make them my victim. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewhawk Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 He doesn’t sound like a victim at all to me. People think they can do what they want and act how they want when in a marriage but that’s a mistake. Her husband is barely around, makes long term plans without her, pisses $$ away with consistently bad decisions, etc. He’s hardly a victim. He’s done everything necessary to deserve a divorce, at least from the one sided story we are reading. But he has done nothing to be cheated on, absolutely nothing. Plus she is still willing to be with him if he “recommits”. So yes, he’s a victim of infidelity and being still married he has every right to demand answers about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 He’s done everything necessary to deserve a divorce, at least from the one sided story we are reading. But he has done nothing to be cheated on, absolutely nothing. Plus she is still willing to be with him if he “recommits”. So yes, he’s a victim of infidelity and being still married he has every right to demand answers about it. I told him about my male friend and when I realized I didn’t want to stop talking to him bc that meant losing someone who was becoming important to me when my husband meanwhile was unwilling to work on the problems driving us apart (example- not willing to do perfectly good training program around here so I didn’t have to move for him a second time in 3 years and give up my outstanding job, stability when I’m about to go through a huge life change etc), I felt like what was the point? I could stop taking to my friend but it’s not like I’d be happy in my marriage. Then my husband kept saying he wanted a separation and divorce soon anyhow, so after a month of hearing this consistently, why the heck am I in the wrong for even considering being involved w other guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Neither of these men is a healthy choice for you. I think at best, your married man will line you up to be the next mother and child he moves away from and sees only once every two months. Do you see the pattern here? Both of your men hit and run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Neither of these men is a healthy choice for you. I think at best, your married man will line you up to be the next mother and child he moves away from and sees only once every two months. Do you see the pattern here? Both of your men hit and run. He really thought his wife was coming initially... her deciding not to bc relationship not great, she had good reasons to want to stay on West Coast etc, is not unlike my husband and me. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I agree. When someone starts spouting words about divorce, it’s a death blow to the marriage. I had a friend who would tell me about how she and her husband would get into these huge fights (it happened about every 6 mos) and one or both of them would threaten divorce. I told her that saying those words to your partner is extremely damaging and they should never be said unless you intend to follow thru with it. Needless to say, the couple divorced. When I pointed out to her that they had those fights about every six months, she swore that they didn’t. Her husband ended up cheating on her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 He really thought his wife was coming initially... her deciding not to bc relationship not great, she had good reasons to want to stay on West Coast etc, is not unlike my husband and me. With all due respect, I hope you do understand that you’re hearing HIS version of the story. That’s the danger in dealing with a MM. You have no idea what is truth and what is fiction. And they are VERY good liars. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 (edited) With all due respect, I hope you do understand that you’re hearing HIS version of the story. That’s the danger in dealing with a MM. You have no idea what is truth and what is fiction. And they are VERY good liars. Agree, but the true part is that they hardly ever see each other. I think the most important part of this isn’t the MM, but rather determining if my husband and I just have such a flawed marriage that there’s no way it could work anyhow. I know there never really was passion, he admits himself he’ll work 100% of time if left to himself, and he’s now really messing things up by refusing to stay in the place where I already moved for him & either uprooting my life & making me give up my hard to find job and stability with having a baby on the way, or making us long distance for 5 years. And I know I’ll always have to move to follow HIM my whole life even though he makes almost no $. The good parts were that he is sweet, gentle, no temper, generally tried to make me happy- example, scheduling a few hours for an activity I wanted on a weekend, instead of just working. Loyal, trustworthy. I would just have to give up on ever having passion, great sex, a person who genuinely or spontaneously wants to spend much time w me over working. Edited February 27, 2019 by Gb83 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts