DKT3 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I don't think he is on the fence, I think he wants out but isn't sure what that means and what it will cost him. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 What it will cost him? Sounds like as the one with the better job and income it will cost HER. Maybe that's why she's reluctant to file. I know that was my rationale. Not only would I have to split the assets, I'd also have to support his sorry behind for the rest of his miserable life so what was the point of the separation? I'd be a whole lot worse off financially. In the end, I found the courage and the leverage to do it. She may also. But it may take time, especially with a baby coming. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Nah, she has pointed out her reasons and that isnt one of them. Besides mothers dont usually pay for kids they have. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I don't think he is on the fence, I think he wants out but isn't sure what that means and what it will cost him. He may be too complacent to actually end it. What they have now sounds more like a business arrangement than a marriage... if she is willing to hold on, and physical intimacy/sex isn’t as important to him as financial security... what reason does he have to actually file for divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Nah, she has pointed out her reasons and that isnt one of them. Besides mothers dont usually pay for kids they have. She may have to support him? She is the primary income earner. Men aren't the only ones who have to pay support. Sometimes women do if they happen to be shackled to good for nothing deadbeats. Staying married is more cost effective than splitting assets AND paying support. Just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 With a short term marriage, little to no assets, and the OP having custody, there is very little chance of her having to pay alimony. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 With a short term marriage, little to no assets, and the OP having custody, there is very little chance of her having to pay alimony. I agree. I’m missing the point of how OP could end up having to support her ex. Doesn’t make sense. There’s no reason for it. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Maybe our laws are different but I have to support my ex. It's called equalization of income and assets since he's retired on a small pension compared to my income. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Maybe our laws are different but I have to support my ex. It's called equalization of income and assets since he's retired on a small pension compared to my income. But how long were you married? I have a friend who is forced to pay her deadbeat husband spousal support and child support, because she has always worked and work was beneath him... my understanding is that the amount you pay is largely determined by how long you have been together. This woman had been married to her husband for more than 20 years... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 My lawyer said, like PP did, that I definitely won’t have to pay alimony due to short duration of the marriage. I’m tired of my husband insisting he never did anything “wrong” and just blaming me for continuing to talk to/spend time with my guy friend after I left my husband read my texts & he saw the guy flirted with me. Would have been totally fair & I offered to stop talking to the guy multiple times if we were going to work on our marriage. But my husband ignored all that and never said he wanted to work on anything. Yet still kept badgering me regarding whether I was still talking to him. If he clearly doesn’t want to be with me, then what does it matter? Husband continues to be insistent upon moving away unnecessarily, showing total disregard for me/my career prospects/what’s best for baby and our finances (read: not these terribly high cost of living cities), and we had such a dead relationship w no spark, terrible sex life etc, Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 If you’re miserable in the marriage then divorce. But don’t take another married man’s time and energy away from the marriage HE is in. Have you stopped communicating with the MM? Just because your M isn’t good doesn’t make it right that you focus your attention on someone else’s husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 My lawyer said, like PP did, that I definitely won’t have to pay alimony due to short duration of the marriage. I’m tired of my husband insisting he never did anything “wrong” and just blaming me for continuing to talk to/spend time with my guy friend after I left my husband read my texts & he saw the guy flirted with me. Would have been totally fair & I offered to stop talking to the guy multiple times if we were going to work on our marriage. But my husband ignored all that and never said he wanted to work on anything. Yet still kept badgering me regarding whether I was still talking to him. If he clearly doesn’t want to be with me, then what does it matter? Husband continues to be insistent upon moving away unnecessarily, showing total disregard for me/my career prospects/what’s best for baby and our finances (read: not these terribly high cost of living cities), and we had such a dead relationship w no spark, terrible sex life etc, To be fair, if he didn’t go outside the marriage, he didn’t do anything wrong in that regard. Why should he have to ask you to stop? You should be apologetic and stop if you wanted to work on the marriage- he shouldn’t have to ask. Your continuing sends the message you don’t care enough so why should he? That’s what I would think if I were him. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 You're clearly unhappy. Just be sure you have a support system in place (family, good friends) if husband isn't in the cards anymore. Agree with S2B (and others previously) that you should not pursue MM, or let him pursue you. Nothing good comes of this, especially for him if you divorce. Be friends if you must, but make it clear that it will ALWAYS be platonic. If he stays on as a friend under those conditions, maybe he really is a friend. Maybe... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Something to think about - here's a plausible future for you, in a few years IF it's something you'd want: You will be a divorced single mother. You find a divorced father with 1 or 2 kids. You have one more child with him and (hopefully) a good and satisfying life with him. This is a *decent* outcome. MM has no place in this. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) I’m tired of my husband insisting he never did anything “wrong” and just blaming me for continuing to talk to/spend time with my guy friend after I left my husband read my texts & he saw the guy flirted with me. Would have been totally fair & I offered to stop talking to the guy multiple times if we were going to work on our marriage. But my husband ignored all that and never said he wanted to work on anything. Yet still kept badgering me regarding whether I was still talking to him. If he clearly doesn’t want to be with me, then what does it matter? Husband continues to be insistent upon moving away unnecessarily, showing total disregard for me/my career prospects/what’s best for baby and our finances (read: not these terribly high cost of living cities), and we had such a dead relationship w no spark, terrible sex life etc, You really need to make a decision about what you want for YOUR life and take control of your life.The passivity in your posts makes me crazy - your husband doesn’t get to decide the future of your marriage - YOU do! Except, of course, you can’t make him stay in the marriage if he doesn’t not want to, which is something you are trying to do and it’s is akin to hitting your head against a wall until it bleeds, then doing it all over again. As for the MM, that is a terrible, terrible decision. Think about your child and decide - what kind of a life are you going to create for this child? Are you going to bring him home to a father who is disconnected and doesn’t truly want the child? Are you going to bring the child home when you are in a relationship with a man otherwise entangled in another relationship - a man who you don’t know, can’t trust, is this the kind of man you want to raise your child? You really need a counsellor to help you to see what you control, and support you in making decisions that are best for yourself and your child. Because right now, I see you trying to chose between two REALLY BAD options. And, my heart breaks for your child who is going to brought into this world in this situation... Edited March 13, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 (edited) Right, the MM makes no sense- other than a friend who is actually supportive in a lot of ways, someone who’s actually listened to me cry and offered a lot of uplifting. I am also in a position frankly of having none of my intimate needs met for years. Even so, actually sleeping with him seems like a train wreck. Even if the sex were phenomenal, wouldn’t that actually make it worse- because then I’d grow more attached and sadder about not being able to have a relationship w this person? I can’t think of any universe in which it’d feel good to be a secret OW. It’s just weighing the short term benefit of great sex and intimacy against the inevitable pain that follows. I hate having regrets in life, but surely I could find someone out there willing to have both a public relationship and great sex? Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 You almost certainly can have that. In your case, it would be after the divorce and the first few years of the baby. So it'd be awhile. It's good you're seeing the MM thing clearly. Be wary of going too far down that rabbit hole. You have hopefully been reading here and see how hard it can be to claw your way back out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 You almost certainly can have that. In your case, it would be after the divorce and the first few years of the baby. So it'd be awhile. It's good you're seeing the MM thing clearly. Be wary of going too far down that rabbit hole. You have hopefully been reading here and see how hard it can be to claw your way back out. Thanks. He tells me he’s very jealous at the thought of me dating others even though he knows he doesn’t really have a basis for that. Well, If he wanted to be with me badly enough then he could get separated. Otherwise I am literally a mistress and I don’t see how anyone would ever respect a woman with those standards, as a potential partner or otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 All MM say they’d be jealous of the OW dating someone else. It’s just more MM rhetoric. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Thanks. He tells me he’s very jealous at the thought of me dating others even though he knows he doesn’t really have a basis for that. To me that would indicate an EA. Romantic jealousy. Possibly some sort of emotional issue on his part, but either way it amounts to the same thing. It's probably quite flattering in a way. Be honest with yourself: do you have feelings for him too? You ARE ON the slippery slope. It can definitely lead to being a mistress and/or the huge emotional headache of wanting someone you can't or shouldn't have. I and a lot of other posters around here have been exactly where you are. Please take some time to seriously think about what you actually want and need for yourself versus what, if anything, you are likely to actually get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 Be honest with yourself: do you have feelings for him too? You ARE ON the slippery slope. It can definitely lead to being a mistress and/or the huge emotional headache of wanting someone you can't or shouldn't have. I and a lot of other posters around here have been exactly where you are. Please take some time to seriously think about what you actually want and need for yourself versus what, if anything, you are likely to actually get. I have feelings for him but it’s definitely not the “all in” feeling I get when in actual relationships. That’s because it’s obviously not “all in”- I don’t have expectations that he’s trying to rush off with me into the sunset. All I know is that we have intense chemistry but also unique emotional connection- super supportive and looking out for each other at work, he’s seen me cry over my impending divorce and can stay up half the night giving advice and telling me how strong I am, and he’s always the one calling/texting/planning things for us to do when we hang out much more frequently than my husband (self professed workaholic who said he never needed much time w me) ever did. I just take it for what it is on the surface and realize that for right now, when I’m pregnant and not looking for anything (obviously!), he is really cool to have in my life. I mean I had an actual husband on paper and felt much more alone than this Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Sweetie, you're in an EA. This escalates from here. Trust me. Your brain craves the attention and support. Especially since unfortunately your husband doesn't give you that. If you don't scale this WAY back or end it, it will escalate. I'm essentially 100% sure of this. If you don't believe me, try this. Find an excuse (lie) and cut this off for 3 weeks. You'll probably say "why would I do that to myself"? Take away the support. I'm 90% sure you won't be able to do it. The thing is, you COULD get support from others. Friends, family. The people you have lined up to support your during birth. You could talk to and get support from them for 3 weeks. But I'll take a wild guess that you won't or will be VERY hard. If it is, you're already in this... If not, you can talk to him in 3 weeks. He MAY lose interest but, SO WHAT - you'll only have lost a casual friend RIGHT. No big deal... Sorry, but I think you're in deeper than you realize. Maybe you don't care to prove me wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 Sweetie, you're in an EA. This escalates from here. Trust me. Your brain craves the attention and support. Especially since unfortunately your husband doesn't give you that. If you don't scale this WAY back or end it, it will escalate. I'm essentially 100% sure of this. If you don't believe me, try this. Find an excuse (lie) and cut this off for 3 weeks. You'll probably say "why would I do that to myself"? Take away the support. I'm 90% sure you won't be able to do it. The thing is, you COULD get support from others. Friends, family. The people you have lined up to support your during birth. You could talk to and get support from them for 3 weeks. But I'll take a wild guess that you won't or will be VERY hard. If it is, you're already in this... If not, you can talk to him in 3 weeks. He MAY lose interest but, SO WHAT - you'll only have lost a casual friend RIGHT. No big deal... Sorry, but I think you're in deeper than you realize. Maybe you don't care to prove me wrong? Not arguing with you at all. Just saying that since I enjoy him for what he is in my life so much, and am absolutely not in a position that I’m “looking for something” anyhow, and my husband continues to be so firm in wanting a divorce, I see no harm. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Are you truly as clueless as you are coming off? How could you possibly believe your husband would change his mind about divorce while you are continuing an affair? Does that really make logical sense to you? Reading this is like watching a bad horror movie, you're moving in slow motion and everyone is yelling at you to not go in there. Good luck, you will need it. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 15, 2019 Share Posted March 15, 2019 Ok, it's your life. I think the chance of MM being there to help change diapers so you can get some sleep is quite close to nil. But maybe that's not what you're looking for. (Unfortunately, in your case, the same holds true for your husband. ) I think you are in for some real emotional hurt. The hurt of feeling an emotional bond with someone you can't have. It's quite stressful, even without the PA. Maybe the joy/bonding with your baby will override this, dunno. I think it's at least 50/50 if not higher that you will be undergoing all the stress of childbirth/first year with the additional stress of heartbreak over MM. (And believe me, it's real stress. You don't hear people complain about it for nothing.) I wouldn't wish this on somebody. I could be wrong. I hope I am. At any rate, DON'T let him blow up his marriage over you. That wouldn't be fair at all. Seriously. I don't think anyone can blame you for having a bad marriage. But, face it, these other choices are all on you. Guess you will keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts