Can an abuser reform?

[Argentina]

I wonder if I am wasting my time and energy with trying to make my marriage work. My husband and I have been together 6 years and havetwo young children. In many respects life is good. Nice home, happy with our work, good friends. We both want the same things out of life. Never argue about money, sex, child-rearing (the usual big issues).

Nowadays we don't really argue that much. We have had counselling to address communications issues and I think we have both really tried.

However, every 6 weeks or so some trifling issue comes up (like losing keys or something getting broken in the house) and my husband complete over-reacts, becomes convinced that I am blaming him for the problem. Goes into a verbal tangent about how he is such a good man (in many ways this is true. He is totally committed to our family), starts picking on me about things. "You don't give me enough support", "You will never admit when you are wrong" etc etc. I lot of what he says doesn't even relate to the incident that started the argument. It can get terribly confusing for me.

Through counselling I have learnt new strategies for dealing with conflict and no longer do I retaliate in an angry manner. I simply ask him to stop shouting at me, or swearing at me and to talk to me when he is calmer. This doesn't often work though and he will end up pushing me, pulling my hair, standing on my feet, squeezing my arm, kicking over furniture etc. After these episodes I completely withdraw from him. It takes me weeks to start building up that love and trust again and just when everything seems to be going well, it all falls in a heap. He lashes out at me and I'm back to square one. Seeing only the monster side of him. He always feels bad afterwards, always apologises, admits that it is wrong etc. I have told him time and time again that I will not tolerate this physical assault. I think I can probably block out the verbal stuff (or rather I have trained myself to do that). He returned to counselling earlier this year on a regular basis with a counsellor that specialises in domestic violence issues. I definitely think it helped as the incidents of this behaviour are less frequent, and he is acknowledging responsibility.

However, yesterday another incident of physical abuse occurred. Pushing me when I had my back to him. He is hypersensitive and a simple question like "have you fed the dog yet?" can have him shouting at me that he hasn't had time to do it, he's got so much to do, he works so hard etc etc. He thinks I am accusing him of something all the time.

Today I suggested that he move out of our house for a while to give us some space. I explained that he scares me with his behaviour and it is messing with my head. His response: "Fair Enough. When do you want me to go?" He has tonight gone to stay somewhere else for a while. I will be seeing him frequently though as we both work and share childcare committments, so there will be a lot of back and forth with the kids between houses.

While he is packing to go he is asking me "what should I pack? should I take my pyjamas? what about some food?"

He wants my help and support yet he thinks he can just push me around and I will still be there for him.

I am sure he will agree to go back to counselling, but I am just not sure if it is worth it. There are a lot of problems from his child-hood. His father is a very intolerant man. His mother favours her other child and constantly puts my husband down for his opinions and ideas. I believe his mind-set has stemmed from his childhood and I am not sure that I can save him. I planned on raising two children, not three! Does that sound awful? Believe me I have tried to be supportive, offer encouragement, acknowledge the good things he does, give lots of affection. Should I keep trying or is this all a lost cause?

[d'Arthez]

As awful as it sounds, you have at least a good understanding of what the issues are, and that his behavior at times is clearly not acceptable. Sadly, a lot of abuse victims construe such behavior as acceptable or warranted, because they have "not been supportive enough."

 

But it is obvious, you cannot erase the influence of his childhood single-handedly. Counseling for such issues is wise, and no one must expect miracle cures. A past such as his, will have had a huge impact on your husband for years. Shaping his thoughts, expression, unexpressed anger et cetera.

The anger that comes out every 6 weeks or so, is the issue you are confronted with. Anger management is also something he should strongly consider.

 

Living with such a person is hard, and of course it is impossible to make domestic life without problems, or any chance for him to get so extremely angry. As long as he acknowledges he has issues and problems, there is a chance that things will improve (after therapy). But improvements will not come easily.

 

You can explain to him how you feel, but that does not mean that he will be less angry, as a result.

 

The only thing that I can suggest is to keep boundaries, and not tolerate physical abuse at all. Furthermore, for him to get in counseling on a more permanent and consistent basis. Of course that does not mean you should deny him to spend time with your children, or with you.

 

As for the (temporary) separation, let's hope that it will have a calming effect on him, and a pacifying effect on you. You are at the end of the line, with regards to his issues. And if you don't see an improvement, as much as you might hate it, you may consider going your separate ways, as living with your husband would have become too unhealthy for you and your 2 children.

[Outcast]

You are describing the typical cycle of abuse and your counselor should have picked up on that. Clearly, this man isn't improving. Tell him that any long-term relationship possibilities rest on his getting ongoing therapy and the cessation of all physical violence. Or, if you think he will react badly to that, contact your local domestic violence centre and make a safety plan to get out.

 

Your counselor should also have told you that you can neither save nor repair this man. His problems are his own to fix; nothing you have done caused them and nothing you can do will eliminate them.

[Craig]

No valid reason or excuse exists for this kind of abuse. If he is wrong for you, you need to move on. If you are wrong for him he needs to move on. If you both want to work on the marriage it might work or it might not work.

 

Let him know what your wishes are regarding the marriage and tell him clearly that you have decided that if he touches you in any abusive manner what-so-ever that you will call the police. Tell him that within 30 seconds of him physically abusing you that you will be calling 911 either from the home phone, a cell phone or the neighbors or where ever. Then you need to follow through with your promise if necessary.

 

Your husband is an abuser. It isn't your fault that he decides to react inappropriately. It might be a good sign that he is going to counselling for the dv but like another poster said, he needs an anger management class.

 

It is time for you to take charge of your life and direct your husband (if you want him) into the right programs (if he wants you) right now.

 

Call a domestic violence center in your area right now and get an appointment to see an advocate or counsellor. They will have tons of insight for you AND will understand you and your challenge with your husband. Do it NOW.

 

Should you keep trying? I guess it depends on what progress you might see him making and whether the marriage is salvageable. Argentina, you've already stifled part of who you are by learning to tolerate the verbal abuse. Are you still yourself or just a shadow of who you really are?

[submart]

Everyone has given excellent and correct advice!!

 

Although your marriage looks perfectly happy on the outside, as you peel away the layers there is a lot of anger and pain. Your husbands' physical attacks are not your fault. It is his problem to deal with. As the others said, your husband needs counseling much more often...at least weekly! Things will not change overnight.

 

His behavior in part, has something to do with what happened to him as a child. The therapist will need to start working on those issues first with your husband before anything else can be "fixed."

 

You should not live in fear of your husband, and I couldn't imagine how scary that is for you. The choice is yours, do what is best for you and your kids. A seperation may be good, as things will NOT change as they are now. The cycle abuse keeps on going. The abuser will most of the time apologize after he strikes you. Don't get fooled by this...he's getting your trust back, and he will hurt you again. It's not that your husband is a bad person, but he does have deep issues he needs to work on and he has NO right to hit you no matter what!!

 

You should get some individual counseling if you can afford it. You've been through a lot and there are domestic violence victims support groups out there. You deserve to be SAFE, HAPPY, AND COMFORTABLE when with your husband!!

[Craig]

Most domestic violence centers have a sliding scale for counselling costs. If you have no money they often will provide the counselling for free.

[Argentina]

Thank you everyone for your supportive replies and advice. It has taken me a long time (3 years) to finally say "enough is enough". He is now living out of the house. At the moment is says he is angry because he cannot live in this house with his children. My response was to say that if he lives here, then I have to accept his violent outbursts and I surely must have the right to not tolerate that anymore. He agreed that I did have that right. However, there has been no effort on his part to discuss anything, admit responsibility (100% responsiblity that is) and take initiative for arranging counselling for himself and to let me know that he really doesn't want this to be over.

I have in the past attended counselling with him, supported him, made appointments for him etc. I don't feel that I should have to keep doing that. i will support him if he takes the initiative to do it himself. In the meantime it appears he will just "carry on as usual" but live away from us. He is still calling me up to ask things like "is it ok for him to go to the football on Sunday? or "can he spend money on something or other". I find that really weird behaviour since we are now living apart. He has always felt the need to double check everything he does with me (like I am his mother or something). I guess at this point I need him to take responsibility for his actions and prove that he can change. That is probably a huge thing to ask, but at the moment I can't let go of the hope.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I guess at this point I need him to take responsibility for his actions and prove that he can change. That is probably a huge thing to ask, but at the moment I can't let go of the hope.

 

Abusers can reform, but it's not an instant process. And for every one that reforms, there are a good few who use the promise of reform to manipulate their way back in.

 

The sad fact is that most of these guys (and girls) do actually have reasonable anger and conflict management skills. After all, they don't pick fights with people who would kick the sh*t out of them. They just don't see the point of restraining themselves with their SO. So the trick is to set up the incentives in a way where he wants to manage his anger...