How do i try to resolve the issue of disrespect within a relationship.

[tscorpio]

Hey. me and my boyfriend are the same age and have been together for two years. We dated before around 6-7 years ago and he's basically my soulmate.

 

He's always had a temper issue but never physically abused me. just a lot of verbal yelling and cursing and overall rudeness. recently we've been arguing a lot. He said he's trying to be patient and not lose his temper but he's actually lost his temper every time we discuss an issue. He doesn't want to listen to me when I tell him hes not actually trying by saying he is.

 

We haven't hung out a lot since we have classes and work so he let me know yesterday he's free all day today and we both can stay home and face time all day and overall just be on the phone with each other and have each others company.

 

This morning comes and hes busy babysitting which is fine but then decides to hang out with his friends right after. I haven't even heard his voice yet or have a conversation since all he talked about was the annoying child.

 

He called me on his way to his friends and I of course was upset and wasn't talking happily. I let him know i have a right to be upset since I thought he'd be mine all day and he randomly got bored and went to hang out with his friends. he got mad and said 'i never said i wouldn't go out' like yeah, because you said you'd be home and we'd keep each other company.

 

He said he gives up on me and I wont receive respect until I respect him and hes tired of trying. I kept bringing up how he ignored why I was upset and he said I bring up nonexistent problems and drag them.

 

We were only on the phone for a couple minutes and he hung up on me while I was calmly talking to him. Ive realized I'm always calm no matter how rude he is or how upset he gets me but he loses his temper and starts cursing in each sentence. He said he wouldn't be surprised if i went flirting or crying to another guy and that its unimaginable how many I've already flirted with. I dont even have any guy friends nor do I text any guy so i found this extremely disrespectful.

 

I understand the concept of being angry but going to the point of being disrespectful, i dont know what to do. He says hes fed up with me and I don't deserve him to understand my problems. he says I have a disease where I must cause issues all the time.

 

I haven't replied to anything he said because I know to leave him alone when hes like this, but if I haven't replied and he said all of that to me, how would he have spoken to me if i did reply and defend myself? It would've been far worse.

 

I don't know how to show him how important it is that we communicate respectfully when things are okay. I want to teach him a lesson and I'm afraid I'm going to lose him in the process. I don't want to break up I want him to be better.

Edited February 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry but I don't see how being available to face time all day qualifies as plans or an actual date. When he had the opportunity to spend quality time with real people, that was his choice & IMO the better option. If you two planned to be together then you could squawk that he cancelled on you.

 

Any time somebody wants to teach their SO a lesson, things are already on sketchy ground. As stated above, you were wrong to be upset.

 

Both of you have communications issues. He probably does yell too much & even though you remain calm, based on this incident I have to wonder if you have unreasonable expectations & a thin skin which is the real crux of all these fights.

 

If you to fix this, apologize to him for being a p.i.t.a. about him spending time with friends & work on being more understanding.

[Redhead14]

Both of you have poor communication skills. This is not a relationship. In order to have a relationship, you need to relate to one another which requires effective, respectful, logical, two-way communication.

 

I thought he'd be mine all day

 

He is not a mind-reader, unless you two actually discussed face timing all day, he didn't do a darn thing wrong. And, I can understand getting bored.

Seriously. That is not a date nor can it replace actually spending quality, in-person time with someone. You and he deserve better than just face timing and phone calls. You deserve to be going out and spending real time with each other or someone.

 

And, he needs to deal with anger better, that's for darn sure. And, that is a problem that is very difficult to do without some guidance/help and/or just getting away from a frustrating and unmanageable situation.

 

I want him to be better.

 

You want him to be a different man. You love the guy you wish he would be. You can't change or control a person, you can only change or control YOU and the situation.

 

This is the second time you two have attempted to have a "relationship" apparently. It's time to move on. It just doesn't work. You can love someone very much but still not be compatible or right for each other or ready for a relationship at all.

[tscorpio]

He is not a mind-reader, unless you two actually discussed face timing all day, he didn't do a darn thing wrong. And, I can understand getting bored.

Seriously. That is not a date nor can it replace actually spending quality, in-person time with someone. You and he deserve better than just face timing and phone calls.

 

The whole reason I was upset was because he had told me the day before that we would be on the phone all day. we do hang out but the reason we arent right now is because i have the flu. we agreed to see eachother when im feeling better. thats why staying on the phone was brought up to make up for not being able to hang out. it might not sound like a date or plans to you guys but it means a lot to the both of us.

 

by me wanting him to be better i meant that i want him to stop being so disrespectful towards me. im sure thats a logical, basic thing to ask for in a relationship.

[Gretchen12]

Some things you cannot change. The angry outbursts he learned from his family as a child, you can't change that. Even when you see he CAN control his temper with coworkers, with a gf he reverts to what he saw at home growing up.

The reason for the outbursts is usually fear. He doesn't do it just to disrespect you. Typically it happens because the person feels he is not valued, not loved, not respected. It's probably the same reason you bring up your grievances to him. Just know that although you may speak in a calm voice, he may perceive more intensity and aggression than you realize or intended. This may be due to, perhaps you are an intense person, or perhaps he grew up with parents fighting a cold war so he's sensitive. I would interpret what you call "disrespect" as his defensiveness. I also think you are being defensive and feeling unloved when you say he disrespects you. It doesn't seem like a soulmate pairing. You may have strong attraction to each other but little understanding.

[BaileyB]

Hey. me and my boyfriend are the same age and have been together for two years. We dated before around 6-7 years ago and he's basically my soulmate.

 

He's always had a temper issue but never physically abused me. just a lot of verbal yelling and cursing and overall rudeness. recently we've been arguing a lot.

 

My soulmate doesn’t get angry and curse and yell at me.

 

I’m sorry, this is about where I stopped reading. You both need to work on your communication skills and this is not a healthy relationship.

 

If you want to hang out with this guy for another 6-7 years waiting for him to develop self control and while you try to teach him to treat you with respect... that is certainly your decision. It will however, be a total waste of time.

[BaileyB]

by me wanting him to be better i meant that i want him to stop being so disrespectful towards me. im sure thats a logical, basic thing to ask for in a relationship.

 

It’s a very logical, basic thing to expect in any relationship.

 

It starts with you having the self respect not to tolerate bad behaviour from your partner. And the way that you demonstrate this, is by walking away when he treats you disrespectfully.

 

He then has a decision to make. Either, he treats you better because he knows you will not allow him to treat you disrespectfully. Or, he will go on his merry way... searching for the next woman who allows him to walk all over her and treat her disrespectfully.

[Mr. Lucky]

so he let me know yesterday he's free all day today and we both can stay home and face time all day and overall just be on the phone with each other and have each others company.

 

Others have touched on the ongoing issues in your relationship.

 

But it seems controlling to expect someone to stay home all day in case you wanted to call or facetime him. So, like your BF, I'd have zero patience with your petulance if I decided to do something.

 

Life brings plenty of problems on its own, no need to work so hard to create fake ones...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spiderowl]

Shouting and yelling at you and being rude on a regular basis is not love. He may be more 'temperamental' than you, but he should be able to restrain himself when you point out he's being rude.

 

It seems to me the only way this guy is going to respect you is if you opt out of this relationship. He thinks he can treat you how he wishes and you will put up with it. Either that or he is truly fed up with the relationship and wants out so he's pushing you to the limit so you end it instead.

 

Basically, something needs to change. Is he really the one for you?

[Curiousroxy86]

The fact you are afraid to lose him is exactly why he keeps disrespecting you.

 

If you want a man to respect you then you have to lose the fear of a man walking away. Because when he disrespects you then you have to have the courage to say "babe this isn't okay" and when he continues to disrespect you after letting him know theeeennn you have to have the courage to breakup.

 

You want a man who takes you seriously. He or any man won't take you seriously when you keep complaining over and over and not leaving. He knows he can continue to do what he is doing because your not going anywhere. When you show a man your not one to play with and you leave then he has no choice but to leave you alone (because he rather be the way he is which is disrespectful and not give you what you want which is a man you don't want to keep anyway) or decide he doesn't want you to leave and respect your boundaries like you already requested.

 

So don't be afraid to lose him. Communicate your standard. And leave if he can't respect that standard. And date other men. If he wants another chance it's your prerogative but if you do give him another chance it should be his LAST chance.

[bathtub-row]

The only way to handle disrespect and his temper is to dump him and never look back. This guy is not your soulmate and don’t let yourself get hung up on that nonsense, especially when all evidence points in another direction. Do not tolerate guys with tempers. You can’t fix them, can’t communicate with them, and they’ll make you miserable.