Does dating someone "out of your league" affect future dating choices?

[Trail Blazer]

This is a curious one for mine. Perhaps it's different for men and women?

 

First, let me define "out of one's league" or "punching above one's weight" or, even more curiously as an Aussie "mate" of mine puts it: "Ya batting above your average." When these terms are used, they usually mean dating someone who's objectively better looking than you. And, in this particular context, that is exactly what I'm referring to.

 

Okay, so looks are subjective at best anyway. However, I think objective bias can be assumed when the general consensus is that something is what most believe it to be. If, for example, someone on a site like 'hotornot' is judged by the consensus to be well above average in the looks department, it can generally be agreed upon that they attractive/hot, whatever, even if there's a few statistical outliers (people who's subjective views differ).

 

With all of that out the way, I'd like to delve deeper into why I find this interestng. Regardless of anyone's belief system/religion etc. it is an established scientific fact that along with most living creatures, human beings are programmed to want to procreate in order to ensure the continuation of our species. The best way to ensure the continuation of our species is to attract and be with a mate with the best genes, and good looks are an outward display of good genetics.

 

I personally don't care so much about my "shallowness" anymore. I chose my previous wife above many other potentials where there was a slight imabalnce in the personality/looks department. That whole "looks fade" tag line didn't serve me well in the opposite sense, as her personality changed, her looks still faded anyway - so I was left with a shell of the personality I fell for, and looks which had already departed from what was not the greatest asset to begin with. However, I digres...

 

About 10 years ago, a buddy of mine was dating this girl. This girl was smokin' hot... 9.5 out of 10. A real head turner, especially in summer. The problem was she was a bit of a nut case. She was bratty, used to male attention and played on it a bit. My buddy was punching well above his weight. The best way to describe his looks would be akin to a young Rod Stewart.

 

It didn't end well for my friend, she cheated on him and he was left heartbroken. He didn't date for a good 2 years, which isn't common for a 25 year old at the time. Apps like Tinder weren't around back then, but still, if you wanted to find someone to date, the internet was still your oyster.

 

As it turns out, my friend very much wanted to date within 6 months of breaking up, but he admitted he couldn't "downgrade" from what he had. Whether that was just a pride/mental block thing, perhaps it was. But it's why I find it fascinating. My buddy dated a couple of times since and was in a relationship for almost 3 years with a girl who was what I'd say only slightly above average attractivrness (6/10) but for whom he loved as a person like no other. Truth be said, they were about on par in the attractiveness stakes.

 

For my friend, it could be said that he allowed himself to "lower" his standards so he could engage in a more balanced relationship. The relationship didn't work out, but it was by far the best one he'd been in and only really ended because she took an amazing job offer in San Diego and he was unwilling to move. They tried LD but it just didn't work.

 

I find myself currently in a situation where, after 2 months being separated, I was testing the water and happened to land a stunning looking girl myself. 11 months on and we're on shaky ground and I am unsure what lies ahead in the future. One thing I know is that, if we do break up, I need time and space as a single person. Where the waters have become muddied, though, is that if I am to think about life as a single man again, I certainly don't feel like I'd want to date an average looking girl when I've managed to land someone much hotter.

 

The other day at work I was having a bit of banter with a (much older) female co-worker who, from time to time tells me about her dating escapades as a woman in her early 50s. For a bit of a laugh she showed me some of the guys on this dating app, Badoo, and we switched it over to 'female' and made it age-appropriate for me. We were swiping through and, honestly, most of the girls I just would have swiped by. I told her that I couldn't really see myself "downgrading" and she said jokingly, "well you'd better hope you stay with your current gf forever because you'll be single forever." It was a joke, but true, I am really "punching above my weight."

 

All of this did get me thinking; what would it take for someone who's been with that "hot" person to lower their standards somewhat in order to date again? For men, is it desperation for sex/conpanionship? For women, is it all that and perhaps more? With the advent of the swipey date apps, there isn't even an opportunity to observe someone's personality. It really is all about the initial attraction of looks and looks only. I guess that's why match.com and e-harmony are still popular.

 

What I'm about to say is perhaps going to ruffle some feathers, but so be it. I think after a while, everyone in long term relationships become a pain in the butt. Men and women differ, but the things that grate on me about women in relationships seem to be aspects which aren't limited to how they look. So, if I'm goong to be with a woman long term, she's undoubtedly going to irritate me with female-specific traits, so when that happens and the awesome personality I fell for fades, I guess she'd want to have something else going for her, that being looks, to keep me engaged and the resentment somewhat abated.

Edited February 24, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[losangelena]

How do you “lower your standards” after you’ve dated a hot person?

 

Maybe your experience in dating a “hot” person was because they lowered their standards. Ask them how they manage/d.

[Trail Blazer]

How do you “lower your standards” after you’ve dated a hot person?

 

Maybe your experience in dating a “hot” person was because they lowered their standards. Ask them how they manage/d.

 

Dating someone hot inflates your ability to land other hot people when they may have been the exception rather than the norm.

 

You've just answered your own question by using the opposite analogy. And, whether it was rhetorical or not, I'll answer you by saying that I don't think they manage.

 

I've been on both sides of the coin. It's hard. I think for the most part only balanced relationships can work, and that includes looks - the context and point of this thread.

Edited February 24, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[Wallysbears]

My husband is hot...but more importantly, he’s awesome in bed and we have amazing chemistry.

 

Looks don’t matter as much as chemistry does. If you’re going off looks but not chemistry, you’re going to wind up sad and unhappy.

[preraph]

I can't speak for guys, but I know some of them will take hot mess over average angel or be happier working for two years to nail one hot mess only to be dumped by them once they're sober.

 

As a woman, I was drawn to awfully good looking guys, but I wasn't exclusively drawn to the, but could get real hung up on it. But to my credit, they were usually also pretty good people or had something else going for them. Looks alone weren't enough. I had to find them interesting.

 

It may change as you get older. You may come to value companionship over sexual salivation at some point. Some guys do. I had some acquaintance with quite a few guys who were in bands and swatted women off them like flies. Now, they all enjoyed it and were living the life at first, but after a few years, it got old to at least some of them. And certainly some got attached to and married and had kids with a hot one and stayed with that person even after they were no longer quite hot, but it's also true some of them always cheated, without getting really involved, just sex. So I guess if you have a glut of beauties, at some point you become almost numb to it and want something more.

 

Most women want something more right from the get-go. They want that fun connection and appreciate the guy's personality, if he has one, and are a bit more willing to balance that with their looks. Certainly most will stay on par with their own looks if possible, but I happen to have known some who really went way down in the looks department and for no good reason other than just had to have someone around. So that can happen.

 

Looks fade. If you want hot forever, probably you shouldn't marry someone who wants to have kids because regardless of what you see on the Kardashians, it ruins most women's bodies and matures them down at least a couple of points. That's just the way it is. But then your own body and hairline are also going to go down with each passing year.

 

Honestly, when a guy is so shallow that all they really care about his hot looks and sex, I don't see why they marry at all. If it were me, I'd probably just use prostitutes, but then there's the men who would do that except they like to have someone as a prop on their arm because they somehow think that will elevate them, when really, all it does it make people whisper, "Pathetic."

[Trail Blazer]

My husband is hot...but more importantly, he’s awesome in bed and we have amazing chemistry.

 

Looks don’t matter as much as chemistry does. If you’re going off looks but not chemistry, you’re going to wind up sad and unhappy.

 

I understand all that, but you've kind of missed the point of the thread. I'll try and be clearer. The point of the thread was to highlight an observation I've made, based on the experiences of a buddy of mine, and perhaps my own sentiments with where I'm at in my relationship while drawing on past relationships, too.

 

My observation has been that there's seemingly a correlation between someone dating someone out of their league and their standards being raised upon re-entry into the dating market after that relationship ended.

 

As a cited with a buddy of mine, his standards were the highest they'd ever been after he'd dated that really hot girl a decade ago. It resulted in him potentially overlooking many girls he'd perhaps given a second look to prior to dating the hot girl. It took him some time for his standard to 're-adjust' as the realization that the hot girl he previously dated was a statistical outlier.

 

So, where chemistry and personality don't form part of the equation is when you're purely going off swipey date apps, where looks are seemingly everything. Sure, you could meet someone in a more conventional setting and those traits you've mentioned become relevant, but the point here is initial attraction and in 2019, more people than ever use dating apps as theitlr primary source for initiating dates.

[Alice82]

I totally intend to primp and preen when I hit my 40s. Luckily I look fairly young for my age and that's with me not paying any mind to myself most days. Idk, I used to have it so I know I can get it back with a bit of a hard workout plan (which my fitness instructor already made me at my gym) and becoming a fashionista. I was never super girly but I realize now that I have a keen sense of fashion and I absolutely go nuts over high heels and silk nighties. You only live once!

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been on both sides of the coin. It's hard. I think for the most part only balanced relationships can work, and that includes looks - the context and point of this thread.

 

I think it's a point of maturity to realize looks are but one quality people have. And since to most men "looks" means big boobs and a slim build, it's also the least permanent aspect.

 

I'm actually glad many guys are so narrowly targeted. It leaves lots of great partners for the rest of us...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I think it might be a confidence booster. You think, gee I got one hottie, maybe I can get another one.

 

I also think most people look better when you see them with your heart not just your eyes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My ex told me the other day that he finally got into a relationship after we ended. It took him 4 years because he didn't meet anyone that comes even close to me He meant looks and personality though.

 

 

 

I am surprised to hear that you have been married. This post sounds like a 21 year old wrote it.

[littleblackheart]

If you're stuck in the past and one-dimensional, then yes, it will most likely affect your future dating choices.

 

If you look at each person on their own merit as a 'package', then no.

 

That holds true whichever side of the 'league' fence you happen to be in, whatever the league concept means.

[losangelena]

I understand all that, but you've kind of missed the point of the thread. I'll try and be clearer. The point of the thread was to highlight an observation I've made, based on the experiences of a buddy of mine, and perhaps my own sentiments with where I'm at in my relationship while drawing on past relationships, too.<snip>

 

I think we understand your post just fine. Your premise is shallow. How does one deign to date average-looking people after they manage to somehow bag a hottie? Maybe recognize that they, too, are average-looking, then find a pin and deflate that bloated ego.

Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Trail Blazer]

I think it might be a confidence booster. You think, gee I got one hottie, maybe I can get another one.

 

I also think most people look better when you see them with your heart not just your eyes.

 

I agree with the last paragraph, only you don't look at people through your heart when scrolling through Tinder.

[basil67]

only you don't look at people through your heart when scrolling through Tinder.

 

And this entirely sums up what is wrong with modern dating.

[hotpotato]

I can relate to some of this.

 

However,I've spent most of my dating life dating men less than me as far as looks. I've dated, although mostly casually, a few semi pro athletes, fitness buffs, and I knew one former pro athlete. I decided I want someone who is into fitness like me.

 

I do think being with men I find attractive made it much more difficult to be with average Joe. I don't feel like this deprives me of a relationship. If I'm really active, and the guy is a couch potato, that's a serious lifestyle difference. Average looking guys and unattractive guys are not by default nicer or romantic.

 

Most guys push for sex very quickly so I feel the (un)attraction very quickly. Im not into most men in a monkey sex kind of way. It may be nice to look at people for what's on the inside, but that's not how people work. I don't think it's fair that a man can judge me by how I look (and thus push for sex by date #2), but I'm supposed to see what's on the inside when it comes to him. There are some people ugly inside and out, too.

[Kitty Tantrum]

The way I see it, most "hot" people are a lot like modern mid-grade "luxury" housing. Of course you always want to upgrade when you move, but if you're stuck on appearances, then when you do finally settle into something that suits your tastes and your price range, you're likely to eventually find yourself watching in dismay as the veneer wears off to reveal that you've traded an awful lot of structural integrity away for an aesthetic that never had any chance of lasting because it was plastered over the cheapest possible building materials.

 

On the other hand, if you can snag a place that's solidly built but not spectacularly finished, you can improve the cosmetic details over time to suit your preferences, AND be assured that that your walls and floors aren't going to start collapsing.

 

It's not that "hot" people are inherently garbage, it's just that SO much of what you see is a facade that's only made to last long enough to get you to sign the mortgage.

 

It makes a lot more sense to look at a person's underlying structure (skeletal proportions, symmetry and spacing of facial features, dentition, overall health, etc.) than all the stuff that's plastered on top to make them look "hot." Especially if you intend to reproduce with said person. Most of the things that make a person register as "hot" on the surface (makeup, hairstyle, clothing selection, affectation of posture and demeanor, etc.) are not inherent traits. Most 9s are just highly polished natural 6s.

 

Personally, I'd rate myself at like a 5 on average these days. I got really sick for a while (tick bite) so I've gained a few extra pounds, short hair because I couldn't be bothered to take care of it, zero makeup, no sexy clothes, etc. But the underlying structure is still there, and when I get back in shape and have the time and energy to take care of the details, I could be a solid 8 for most people, and an easy 9 for anyone who is partial to petite brunettes.

 

With women especially, a lot of the hot ones are only hot because they've had other people investing in their beauty - whether it's their father or their husband or a succession of well-to-do boyfriends or sugar daddies (or baby daddies, or Uncle Sam... or they're going into debt for it). It's the strategic application of time and resources which they only have because someone else is subsidizing them.

 

Lots of plain-looking women COULD be just as hot or hotter, but if they're from a poor family and a poor area and work long hours doing menial labor to make ends meet, they're not going to be spending the requisite time/$$$ to "wow" you with perfectly cut and styled hair, flattering wardrobe, expertly applied makeup, painstakingly sculpted body, and carefully practiced mannerisms.

 

But I daresay MOST of these women would be happy to polish themselves up for a man who is willing to help fund the process. And honestly, if you don't want to pay for your woman's beauty yourself but you still insist on dating only hotties... you're getting what some other man (or a lot of other men) has paid for, and all the baggage that comes with it.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting an attractive partner, but if you make what's on the surface right now your main criteria, don't be surprised if you end up disappointed.

Edited February 24, 2019 by Kitty Tantrum

[Trail Blazer]

It absolutely does

 

That's an interesting post and it's exactly what a buddy of mine experienced, as I mentioned above.

 

It's funny, you can see that it's making some people defensive, but I guess uncomfortable truths are, just that, uncomfortable!

 

I'm merely discussing an observation I've made based on the experiences of a buddy of mine, and a realization that I, too, perhaps may find it somewhat challenging moving forward. My relationship really is on the rocks and I've porbably held on too long because I'm so physically attracted to this woman.

 

It's easy to denigrate the person delivering the message. It's easy to try and dismiss the message my questioning the credibility of the person whose raised the situation. It's a lot harder to do, as you say, some soul searching and try to accept and deal with something in life which may just have some solid validity.

 

I don't make the rules of nature, but I sure like observing and trying to understand them. It helps learn, grow and ultimateltly make better and more informed life choices. Many are too afraid to confront uncomfortable truths and, instead let their cognitive dissonance take over, defending their comfortable position with strawman arguments and deflections.

[Trail Blazer]

And this entirely sums up what is wrong with modern dating.

 

Yes, but looks will always be a prominent feature in attracting a suitable mate. However, in conventional setting (pre internet) one could display other desirable attributes which could potentially win over an attractive person.

 

It's unfortunate that the scope for attracting people online is limited purely by your own ability to market yourself in the looks dept. It's the modern way and we have to deal with it.

[Curiousroxy86]

I can understand not wanting to be with someone who is ugly to you

 

But I think anybody would do themselves a disservice to exclusively date the hottest looking nines and tens and that's it especially if most of the ones you have dated were not good relationship partners

 

You want someone who is attractive enough and is good to you for a lifetime. If they are drop dead gorgeous that should be a bonus. But the important thing is if they are good to you. i dated some very good looking guys but they were not/would not make good boyfriends/husbands.

 

So for those who care about having someone who is good to them I think it's smart to open up the dating pool to someone who is attractive enough but value how they treat you. This doesn't mean you cstop giving your nines and tens a chance. It does mean you stop giving nines and tens a pass for just being hot meaning having the sack to let them go if they are horrible girlfriends. It does mean that maybe also give the sevens and eights a shot anyway. If after you go on one date and your not attracted then don't force it. But you may be suprise on how they may attract you if you just choose to give them a chance anyway. .

[Mr. Lucky]

An old GF of mine from years ago was just so smoking hot. Like, if I left her alone for 3 mins to use the bathroom at a restaurant, there would be some dude at our table trying to hit her up. Never failed. After spending some time with her, other women were just less attractive to me. Think about it, when you spend months or years having sex with a 9, how do you get all hot and bothered for a 5? It really did take me a good couple years to get used to average looking women again.

 

My experience was completely opposite. After being cheated on and divorced by my head-turning first wife, I wanted a partner who was kind, grounded, self-aware and empathetic. Funny how looks become a lower priority after that kind of experience...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hotpotato]

Yes, but looks will always be a prominent feature in attracting a suitable mate. However, in conventional setting (pre internet) one could display other desirable attributes which could potentially win over an attractive person.

 

It's unfortunate that the scope for attracting people online is limited purely by your own ability to market yourself in the looks dept. It's the modern way and we have to deal with it.

 

Strange, as I thought this would be easier on men. Most women I see (well I guess mostly 35 and under) are at least cute. Most women have curves.

 

Dare I say that women have a higher baseline attractiveness. If a man wanted someone with a cute face and t&a, that's everywhere. Most women just need to not let themselves go. I see some women who like dayum good, like they walked out of a magazine.

 

I've been told on is to lower my standards and date lesser men. I think they are somewhat conceding that being beautiful is more rare in a man.

[Gretchen12]

A big part of hotness is effort and how you act. It's mostly just not being fat, doing your hair right, makeup, clothing. Have you ever seen hot celebrities without makeup? It always amazes me that a lot of men don't know that most of hotness is made and acted out, not born with.

 

If you're talking about actual facial features, you have the best chance of relationship success with someone that looks like you. Look at photos of successful couples, they look like each other in features and expression. If you have a big nose, date someone with a big nose, etc. If you have a toothy grin, date someone the same. Of course success presupposes you have self love.

 

It also helps to understand the opposite sex is also a human being, not aliens from another planet. It is possible to find an opposite sex version of yourself. When you do, you get along well because you understand each other. If you have low self esteem and self loathing then none of this works.

[outwithpeterpan]

The way I see it, most "hot" people are a lot like modern mid-grade "luxury" housing. Of course you always want to upgrade when you move, but if you're stuck on appearances, then when you do finally settle into something that suits your tastes and your price range, you're likely to eventually find yourself watching in dismay as the veneer wears off to reveal that you've traded an awful lot of structural integrity away for an aesthetic that never had any chance of lasting because it was plastered over the cheapest possible building materials.<snip>

Lots of truth here. Looking good takes discipline, time and money.

 

I have these 2 exes. Ex #1 I dated in uni. She was all natural talent but she didn't exercise, had bad posture, didn't know how to dress herself, didn't know how to smile for a picture. Her main focus was doing well in school really. We're still in touch and somewhere along the way she got up to speed on taking care of herself, because now she's a smokeshow (and a successful woman to boot!)

 

Meanwhile, ex #2 who I dated immediately after her, I was honestly more attracted to at the time. But she did it by putting a ton of effort into her looks. Skin care, hair care, eating carefully to keep up her figure. In hindsight it was a tenuous balance for her to look that way. Since then she's really lost it.

 

I think that beyond judging people on who they are, and not how they look, one would be wise to differentiate whether or not you're attracted to the person, or to their best presentation.

Edited February 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote; fix spacing

[Mr. Lucky]

I think they are somewhat conceding that being beautiful is more rare in a man.

 

Interesting thought. I've always thought there were more pretty women than handsome men but assumed that bias was a product of my orientation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

What a bizarre way of looking for a life partner...

 

 

On the bright side, there are a whole bunch of us that don't subscribe to that sort of nonsense. Come join us! The water is warm(-ish).