Thought I was in love...and then my husband came back.

[That_one_girl]

I’m a 30’s female, well educated and good career, who foolishly got married as a teenager and struggled through marriage for many years. It’s impossible to be a good wife when you haven’t figured out how to be an adult. After years of mutual struggles my husband called it quits on the marriage in principle but refused to divorce because he said we were “convenient” — someone to talk to, dine with, etc., but no love, no sex, no intimacy.

 

It set me on a path of self-discovery and destruction as I embarked upon multiple affairs to find some sort of self-worth and love. This persisted for a number of years while still living with my completely detached husband.

 

We have tried numerous times over the years to reconcile to a real marriage, but it inevitably fails again. We’ve learned we’re very different people.

 

In the last year he joined dating sites and told me I was free to do the same. I thought for sure this was it, and divorce was only a matter of time. Having been “alone” for awhile — including living in a different country from my husband — I already felt single on everything but paper.

 

And I fell in love. Hard. It’s been wonderful, and this person wants a future with me. I told husband it was time to finalize the divorce, and in dramatic fashion he flew to me to apologize for that wretched rejection those many years ago and to beg for a second chance. I’ve witnessed him have panic attacks and cry and beg like I’ve never seen before, and it’s really broken me down and made me question this other man. I feel so guilty and nostalgic about my marriage. I don’t want to hurt either of them and now feel in the middle of a horrible triangle where I’m trying to decide whether to try again to heal my past or jump into a new future. I actually sense authenticity in my husband and it’s tearing me apart because I wanted that marriage to work, but so much damage has been done and the love I’ve found is really important to me. This feels like choosing between two very different types of love.

 

This is tearing me apart...thoughts would be much appreciated.

[mark clemson]

I don't think anyone can tell you what you SHOULD do in a situation like this. There IS no clear choice or you would be making it.

 

I think you need to take some real time to think through fully what you really want for yourself and what is likely to have the best outcome in order to make a decision.

 

Your feelings of new love will probably eventually fade. But the new man might treat you much better than your current husband has done even once it does fade.

 

If you're like many couples, part of your husband's sudden sincerity could be due to the financial consequences of divorcing. BUT I could certainly be wrong about that.

 

Not an easy choice. Wish you the best of luck either way...

[sandylee1]

You find happiness and all of a sudden he wants to try again. Why?

How can you trust him not to do this again?

 

He called quits on the marriage

He refused a divorce because it was convenient

He joined dating sites.

He told you to do the same told you to do the same

 

He sounds very controlling and it's all about him

 

All the time you lived away, he didn't miss you enough to reconcile and didn't fly over to see you. he still wouldn't have if you hadn't met this guy.

 

I really think it's an attempt to sabotage your happiness and I would struggle with trust. It wouldn't work for me.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello

 

You say you feel guilty and nostalgic for your marriage, but it seems like from your description your ‘marriage’ has been in name only. Neither of you have had much to do with each other for many years?

 

I know I am a bit inflexible and dogmatic about these things, but it seems to me that a spouse who can spend long periods of time apart, who can date and have sex with others, who can be in love with another person....isn’t a spouse who is a candidate to stay married. Others have worked through these sorts of conditions and gone back to their spouse and reported that they were much better after reconciling, but those stories seem few and far between. Do you really think you and your husband can change things so drastically now after all this time?

 

I have empathy for your husband having such anguish and panic attacks, but that isn’t IMO sufficient reason to stay with him if you otherwise don’t want to.

 

Best wishes as you sort through your best way forward.

[bathtub-row]

Who on earth has a sexless marriage on their 20’s and 30’s? Typically just the drive alone to have sex is enough to cause it to happen. You may be nostalgic for a friend in your youth but what you had with your ex was extremely unstable and you both married far too young.

 

I wouldn’t be swayed by his begging and pleading. What exactly did the two of you have that could even be considered a marriage? Other than friendship, I don’t think your relationship with your ex would be anything different than it was before. And going back to him would mean dumping this great guy you’ve met. If you do that and then realize you made a mistake, you won’t get the other guy back. You will have ruined a good thing.

 

Your ex is just reacting from a competitive standpoint. Once he gets you back, what will have changed? All of a sudden you have this passion and love you never had? Very doubtful.