The Connection Thing

[BlownFuse]

Hi - new member here.

 

I'm a 52-year-old father of 2. Divorced just over a year after 22yrs of marriage. Professional, intelligent, in decent shape, have good hygiene and wear nice clothes. I am not wealthy, and I don't have movie-star looks. But I'm not poor or homely either.

 

I'm dating and am concerned about something that appears to be turning into a common theme.

 

Two women that I was really attracted to went on dates with me. With both ladies, we had a great time and spent over two hours together.

 

Saying goodbye, both said they'd like to see me again, then ghosted for a while. When they finally reached out, they said they didn't feel a connection and didn't want a second date.

 

A third woman who I didn't date said that regardless of what anyone says, it's a law of human attraction that if you don't feel THAT spark within 30 seconds of meeting someone, there is no chance for romance.

 

Given that I'm an average looking guy this is starting to alarm me. Is this really the way it is - I have to "be" a certain guy and women know within minutes of meeting me whether I have a chance?

 

Because if so, it looks like I'm going to be single and lonely for the rest of my life.

 

BG

[chillii]

Nooooo.

l'm not in the states but it def' isn't like your thinking here.

Butttt, l was divorced about your age and of course l met some women who weren't interested or l wasn't interested.

You can't have all that with just anyone of the street. lt takes time.

you might meet 30 women before you connect with someone.They'll probably meet 30 guys before they connect with someone. But l can say that in the end they start coming out of the woodwork left and right. l think l had more choices in the end at this age than in 20s , just takes time.

You want that connection to don't you ?

True connection is all kinds of things , looks alone is not a connection , well not a lasting one anyway.They actually sounded like they were talking about the real connection anyway, not looks.

Don't worry about it be patient , things will happen. Besides your only 1yr divorced, the more time the better.

Edited February 24, 2019 by chillii

[central]

There are very few where the connection occurs, whether that takes 30 seconds or 3 hours or more. I met about 50 women (out of hundreds of good contacts). Of those, there were only 7 or 8 where we both wanted to have another date, but those lasted a while if we did.

 

So, don't get discouraged. Most first dates are last dates.

[smackie9]

Women are like snowflakes. None two are alike, and what they find attractive is not alike. Some like myself have a different idea what is physically attractive. I have had relationships with the very attractive to the not very attractive at all. It's chemistry that no one can really explain is the prime factor. It's frustrating yes, dating sucks, even for the real attractive, because you want to find that someone who makes your brain go off like popcorn in a microwave.

 

You are getting dates, and that says you are attractive enough for them to give you a shot. You need to have some patience just like everyone else. In the meantime, hit the gym, get a new wardrobe, new hair style, get some new hobbies. Being off the market for so long, you might be a little stale. Time to freshen things up with yourself.

[Ruby Slippers]

You probably need to flirt a little more. A lot of women will find the most average-looking guy sexy as hell if he knows how to subtly arouse her interest.

 

The best first dates for me have been the ones where the guy gives me "that look", lightly touches me at appropriate times, gets me laughing and having fun, playfully teases me just a bit, and definitely gives me at least some kind of kiss at the end of the date.

[smackie9]

I agree....it's about how you carry yourself on dates. The teasing/flirting is the best part. No one need to know your life's story, ya gotta be fun and interesting.

[Versacehottie]

First of all, the good news is that 3 people is hardly a population sample. You just need to meet more people. For the people you will connect with it's not everyone so you do need to cycle through more people--basically it's a numbers game. You might get lucky and meet that person right away but maybe not. So don't get discouraged--keep trying and keep refining how you interact with others.

 

So secondly, do you think it's possible that after so long with the same person, that you aren't really that great at dating? It's one thing what you are on paper and another how comfortable and well you carry yourself on the date. I agree with the others that you probably need to flirt and get better at your game. You have to help create the spark. I'm guessing you are rusty or missed all those years at becoming good at dating. Lastly, maybe if you feel burned at all--or just even flat, kinda deflated, you are bringing that to the dates. You might not even be aware of it, nor could the women put their finger on it exactly. I would say wanting to fill the void of being with a partner is different than wanting a specific person and/or being excited about who you are and what you bring in life. Shoot for the second thing. Good luck

[Els]

Two women that I was really attracted to went on dates with me. With both ladies, we had a great time and spent over two hours together.

 

Saying goodbye, both said they'd like to see me again, then ghosted for a while. When they finally reached out, they said they didn't feel a connection and didn't want a second date.

 

A third woman who I didn't date said that regardless of what anyone says, it's a law of human attraction that if you don't feel THAT spark within 30 seconds of meeting someone, there is no chance for romance.

 

Given that I'm an average looking guy this is starting to alarm me. Is this really the way it is - I have to "be" a certain guy and women know within minutes of meeting me whether I have a chance?

 

 

Could you make up your mind which timeframe you are asking about? You're all over the place here.

 

 

 

I don't think you can know within 30 seconds and probably not within minutes (unless it was really godawful). But 2 hours of conversation? Yes, I think it's reasonable to know whether there's a chance of a connection developing or not, by then.

[alphamale]

great advice smackie9

[preraph]

Take comfort in the fact that everyone is different what they like. And not every woman is a must have spark woman either. Some are more lowkey and just like to be content with someone and comfortable. Some like an exciting outgoing guy and some like a sweet quieter guy. Some like a stoic manly type. Some like one they can stir up all kinds of drama with.

 

The only thing to be careful of is if you get in a rut (two is not a rut) then consider if you're choosing the wrong women. I know it's hard to know, though.

[BlownFuse]

Could you make up your mind which timeframe you are asking about? You're all over the place here.

 

I've been told it takes 30 seconds to know.

 

I've also been told it takes 5 minutes to know.

 

I've spent hours with my prospects and it felt like it went well enough to continue with a second date to see what happens - what develops.

 

I don't think it can possibly happen within minutes (and 30 seconds is certainly within minutes). So my understanding is that if she doesn't feel like she might want to jump in bed on the first date - even though she probably is too decent to do so - then she'll never feel that way.

 

Like someone else said - if it happens that fast, it's probably not going to last.

 

So damn . . . . maybe get to know someone.

 

BG

[BlownFuse]

I agree....it's about how you carry yourself on dates. The teasing/flirting is the best part. No one need to know your life's story, ya gotta be fun and interesting.

 

 

Teasing and flirting *is* the fun part. And I've done that, tastefully, with mixed results. Some don't mind, others play along, and others, well . . . . one woman told me I was creepy for accidentally touching her hand across the table while reaching for her empty wine glass.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Hi - new member here.

 

 

Two women that I was really attracted to went on dates with me. With both ladies, we had a great time and spent over two hours together.

 

Saying goodbye, both said they'd like to see me again, then ghosted for a while. When they finally reached out, they said they didn't feel a connection and didn't want a second date.

 

A third woman who I didn't date said that regardless of what anyone says, it's a law of human attraction that if you don't feel THAT spark within 30 seconds of meeting someone, there is no chance for romance.

 

BG

 

Sorry to hear that you are striking out. Dating is difficult and TBH I think dating nowadays extremely shallow. There are so many men and women who do not want that commitment.

 

 

As for the 3rd woman, that is kinda true, but not the rule. There were def guys who turned me off the moment I met them, they just gave me the creeps. After getting lead on by guys I felt a spark w/, I was cautious about that infatuation. I would wait out feeling that spark to see the real person. It is attraction, but also connection.

[Versacehottie]

I think part of your "mistake" from your subsequent posts is assuming that all women will respond the same way. If there was one EXACT formula, then anyone and everyone could be successful with anyone and everyone. You need to tailor your ability to make a connection to the person in front of you. Not by being fake or not yourself but by picking up on what might be right for that person, hopefully with some level of accuracy.

 

That said, there are generalizations of what a person can do to increase those odds. Which you could probably figure out and get better with more practice, i.e. more dates,i.e. a larger sample population lol. You would get better at expressing who you are in a more magnetic way and reading the other person. I'd imagine with the one person who recoiled at your hand it was too soon or out of the context where that was ok for her. I know it was an accidental brush but the fact that you are surprised and that she didn't really take it as a mistake means perhaps you are not reading your dates very well. (of course, it could also mean that she was not attracted to you, it was much too soon for her and she is conservative but i'd guess it was a little bit you and a little bit her.) Sure are there people for which you can do almost everything "right" and they still aren't into you, of course. Like i said there is no exact formula.

 

I think people latch onto little things that might be true. In the course of your post, several of us said similar things, basically to flirt more. I wonder why so many of us said that? IMO, just reading through the lines, something read a little flat. Not picking on you. Just telling you the vibe i got that idk maybe the dates were a little dull & in which case physical interaction would probably not be welcomed, nor a second date. Also your situation alone, coming out of long term marriage almost guarantees that you would be a little rusty with dating. I'm not saying it's impossible at all. I just think you are smart to notice at 3 dates in that something isn't working. I would hope for you that you don't become bitter and just know that you have something to offer the right person. You both need to keep searching for the right person AND make sure you are presenting yourself as a good catch. Like if you are settled into your life too much yet on a first date, i would say it'd be important to show that you had a good vibrant life not the opposite. (however vibrant is true for you). Good luck

[Gretchen12]

A lot of times new performers, actors, politicians, teachers, are surprised when they watch videos of their own presentations. My guess is that if someone filmed your dates and you watched the video, you'd immediately know what you can improve on. And these are often little things you can change easily. When you were married you didn't need to be aware. Now you should still be yourself, but more polished?

[spiderowl]

It is possible to meet someone, have a good time on a date with them, get on really well, and still not feel a real connection. I don't know whether others find the same but I am a 'good listener'. I do end up listening to the guy a lot and he goes away feeling there was a good connection. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Mostly, I don't feel major attraction so the connection really matters.

 

A date should be fun, chatting, laughing, relaxing. If it goes well, then you've both had a good time. It still does not mean that each feels the other is the right person for them.

 

I think you will know it when it happens but don't put too much stake on a date. That is a starting point and many dates do not go further than that. Each person is hoping for a match and it might be near but not quite. Do not judge yourself if things don't work out. When the right person comes along, you will both feel the connection.

[Mysterio]

When I hear someone say the 30 sc thing. I think that means can you imagine being physically intimate with them. It takes time. I say 3 dates and then. What does it mean?

 

I see lots of women I could imagine sleeping with. Not lots that I can have a long term with.

[mark clemson]

Agree that all women are different and will respond to different things. One thing that can help is to mind your body language, including your posture, the way you carry yourself, and the way you walk. This should show confidence, energy, and a certain "lightness" that is hard to define. Some women respond quite strongly to this.

 

Be sure to go the extra 10% on facial grooming too. Trim the ear hairs, any major stray eyebrow hairs, and the nose.

 

If she knows you're awesome the moment she lays eyes on you, I think the "spark" is already there. The "connection" can come later on.

 

There is a fine line between knowing that you're awesome and coming across as a D-bag. She'll know you're awesome if she can see it with her own eyes. Then you just have to show that you've got a great personality too.

[Highroller107]

The whole connection thing is dumb! What connection are they talking about? Marriage material? First dates are make it or break it. People don’t give someone a chance anymore. Is it the whole capture someone’s heart bull crap? Everything is materialistic these days to big boobs, billion dollars, that beach house is what sells and what will lock them down!

[Highroller107]

When I hear someone say the 30 sc thing. I think that means can you imagine being physically intimate with them. It takes time. I say 3 dates and then. What does it mean?

 

I see lots of women I could imagine sleeping with. Not lots that I can have a long term with.

 

Interesting. But if they are attractive enough that you want to have sex with doesn’t that seal the deal? Sex is important why wouldn’t you want long term?

[mark clemson]

To follow up on this, you say you are average looking. Control what you can control - haircut, grooming, mouthwash, etc. Dress a little bit better than expected - don't go for the standard dress shirt and slacks - do jeans + jacket or something else that fits your body shape well. Get some female friends to give you feedback on what looks good for you.

 

On the body language thing, don't wait for your date to practice. You can do this anywhere. Keep at it and test things out until you get a feel for what seems to work. Once you are turning occasional heads in daily life or having women nudge each other and point you out, getting that "spark" on a date will be easy. Just don't let it go to your head or you'll end up coming across as conceited and ridiculous. Being awesome means being genuine too IMO.

 

You want to come across as competent and experienced as well as confident. Mentioning briefly that you are good at your job or showing skills in other ways may help. So will mentioning your connection to the larger community, e.g. by volunteer work or altruism. Clearly you have to work these kinds of things into a conversation naturally, though.

 

Get yourself to the point where they feel lucky as soon as they see you on the first date and then seal the deal with your authentic personality and genuine self-assurance and confidence. Even with all this, some women won't respond to you - but you can let that pass, because the ones that do won't know what hit them.

[Mysterio]

Interesting. But if they are attractive enough that you want to have sex with doesn’t that seal the deal? Sex is important why wouldn’t you want long term?

 

My friend JC is an attractive 37 yr old woman. Her personality is tough. So for me. Even though I can imagine being physical with. I can't see any reality for that with her and I. She has yet to show me any tender moments with me. We have talked about relationships before. Once she told me that one of the guys she was dating. All he wanted was sex. Is that all there is.

 

For me. I want a full package and physical affection is very important to me. No Affection no relationship with me.

[chillii]

Interesting. But if they are attractive enough that you want to have sex with doesn’t that seal the deal? Sex is important why wouldn’t you want long term?

 

 

long term of course you need a lot more than just that.

You can easily be attracted to someone you wouldn't marry.

With someone you wanna marry it's about the whole person, you love everything about them and who they are ,especially your chemistry, you wanna have your life with them and 1oo other things

[alphamale]

chili how often do you run into someone where you love everything about them?

[preraph]

The whole connection thing is dumb! What connection are they talking about? Marriage material? First dates are make it or break it. People don’t give someone a chance anymore. Is it the whole capture someone’s heart bull crap? Everything is materialistic these days to big boobs, billion dollars, that beach house is what sells and what will lock them down!

 

People are different, so you have to feel like you have something to talk about, and you have to be attracted to each other. We are not interchangeable. Rather a strange notion.....