Crushing on someone i can't have

[LadyLioness]

So, i need to vent about something. I am doing this here because i can't talk to anybody about this. They would immediately know who i am talking about and i want this to stay secret. I don't need advice i just want to get this out of my system. If you want to share a similar story or may have a friendly advice, please feel free to share. This just isn't a call for help, i just want to share my story.

English is not my native language so excuse any mistakes. I am writing in english because it's more comfortable for me than german. Also caution: Long story ahead.

 

Ok, well, here we go.

I have a crush. A serious crush. I am crushing pretty hard to be honest. At least i continue to call it a crush, because if i would call it love there would be no turning back. So i won't call it love, but i have to admit most of the time, it feels like it. But crushes are things that go away after some time, and i really want that to happen. After some time.. i am crushing on this woman for almost a year now, or is it already a year? I can't tell, this feeling slowly creeped up on me and hit me before i knew what was happening.

She's... god she's wonderful, she's funny, she's chaotic, she's cute, she can be a total goofball and have serious conversations, she's adorable in everything she does, she's full of passion for what she does, she has no idea of what she wants but that doesn't get in here way of just doing things and trying, she's good at heart, she's caring and my god is she beautiful.

She also has her flaws, she's stubborn, if she wants something she wants it immediately no matter the cost and you can't talk her out of it even though she could be getting hurt or something, she's hot headed just like me which caused a few fights but nothing serious, she sometimes overlooks things that are obvious which grind my gears a little bit. She's in no means perfect, i know her "bad" side as well as her "good".

But here comes the point, or better the points. First of all, she's not a lesbian, oh i am a woman btw, so she has absolutely no interesst in me. She is almost twice my age, i am even younger than her own daughter whos a friend of mine. And she is my boss.

So, yeah, that horse is pretty dead, but those feelings just won't go away.

As i said we work togheter. I am her go-to-person if she needs something, an extra shift, something needs to be fixed, or just advice for something or how i see a certain situation. But we don't talk exclusively about work. We talk about everything. What we do in our freetime, how we feel about certain things, things that are bothering us, things we needs a different view on. I know that she values my advices and my, sometimes very different, view on things. We go to movies together, or grab a drink after work, we spend some freetime together. We touch each other playfully or tease each other, normal things that friends do.

We make each other laugh, i help her manage stress, i offer an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. I want her to feel good cause that beautiful laughter of hers lifts my heart, and i think theres nothing more beautiful than the moment when she eases into my touch (nothing sexual, i am a massage therapist), sighs and lets go of the stress, when she relaxes to a level where she falls asleep. I am the only one where she falls asleep when getting a massage. This lifts my heart aswell because i know she trusts me, she trusts me enough to let go of her guard and just fall into my hands. It's wonderful.

She doesn't know how i feel about her and she never will. I am not going to act on those feelings. I sometimes have to slow myself down a notch when i realise i am very touchy at the moment or in situation where i just look at her and think "God i wanna kiss you". I would never cross this border, the fear of might loosing her is bigger than any fear i experience so far.

Because of that i am very aware about not touching her to much, biting my tounge when i want to say something could be interpreted as serious flirting. Sometimes i am even having trouble when i am sitting or standing right next to her, i want to lay my head on her shoulder, i want her to hug me and scrub my neck, i just want her to be there and show me affection, to rub my back, i want her fingers to play with mine, i want all the little things that i adore doing with my partner.

But thats fantasy and thats the moment where i take a step back, go cold on her for a few days to calm myself down and come back to reality. She of course notices those days and sometimes asks me whats wrong. I say, i am just out of track, or that i am tired, nothing serious. I can tell that she is not believing me but thankfully she doesn't ask further.

I like how she makes me feel all tingly when she's with me, i like how her laugh resonates within my heart, how her touch leaves a warming memory on my skin. I hate it when my feelings are going overboard and i have to avoid her to calm down.

Does it hurt? Sure it does, sometimes more and sometimes not as much. Then why don't i quit my job, find something else and start over somewhere without her? I can't.

I love this company, i love my work, i love my colleagues, all this makes me really happy and i don't want to give this up just because i am stupid. I am a grown ass woman, i am able to seperate my work from my feelings, i am able to push back my feelings for her. Is this healthy? Well, no, i am aware of that, but this company feels like home and the people feel like family. I don't want to go. I don't want to go just because i fell for her.

So, you probably think by now, how long will you be able to keep your feelings at bay? I don't know, but i try to go as long as possible.

 

Thank you for hearing me out, for listening to my long ass story. I am okay, have a nice day.

[whichwayisup]

Put yourself out there and start dating other women. This crush is going nowhere and you know that. Stop talking to her so much, keep it light and professional. Too much personal talk is going on and it's making you feel attached to her.

 

Don't allow yourself to 'think' of your boss that way while at work. Don't gaze or fantasize about her, especially before bedtime. She's become a habit in your mind and it's feeding your feelings for her. Time to get busy and distract yourself.

 

Crushes are normal and even fun and confident boosting but if it's starting to damage you and you're consumed of thoughts of her much of the time that's when it can interfere in your life.

 

Spend time with family and friends.