I’m now the OW... and feeling so overwhelmed!

[Confused-and-Alone]

Hi everyone.

 

I’ve lurked as a non-member for a while, and eventually managed to build the courage to join last night... and I typed out my post and couldn’t bring myself submit it in the end!

I’m going to try again, will apologise in advance for the length of this!!

 

The background...

 

I’m in a pretty unhealthy and unhappy relationship at home, we have two beautiful children but the past 6years or so (out of 11) have just been increasingly awful and things have deteriorated and our relationship is not good. My ‘partner’ has become increasingly vile to be around, he has lost all respect for me and treats me as the live in servant and he is very emotionally and mentally manipulative with me. The icing on the cake for me was around 3 years ago when I was suffering from awful panic and anxiety attacks and he just said ‘goodness sake, just get over it and get out the house’

Charming, right? ?

For the sake of the children I’ve tried to make an effort and I tolerate a lot of his bad habits but I know myself I’ll never be happy and it’s very much over.

When we entered our relationship he knew I had a very high sex drive, and like all men this was a great thing... until it wasn’t!

 

He has become so unbearably lazy that he would now be considered morbidly obese by any standard. I am normally not one to judge but sex just isn’t possible... he’s so overweight that things don’t work as it should, he has no energy and no desire to change that either.

He has always refused to walk in favour of sitting playing his games console, and his idea of a good time is with his friends...

 

The MM...

 

This is a person I’ve known for around 14 years, and he was actually the person I lost my virginity to. We never had a serious relationship, which was fine for both of us. It was fun, casual sex but when I moved away from the area for a while obviously it frittered and life went on.

 

Then I was made redundant and had to find a new job, after 3 months of nothing a job offer was made and I accepted there and then. (It’s a rural area and jobs can be difficult to come by!) On leaving the building I bumped into him, and it transpires he worked there.

I felt instantly attracted to him, older but in a very mature and distinguished way which I liked a lot.

We chatted for a bit and due to heavy snow and my job interview high heels sliding underfoot he offered me a ride up to the closest bus stop and I think from that moment we both knew the attraction was still there.

 

He messaged me a few days later, and admitted a lot of feelings had come rushing back and he wanted to re-start the casual fun we had all those years ago... against my better judgment, I admitted it was something that I’d also felt.

 

He lay in my bed two days before his wedding, which was the first I knew he was actually about to get married as up until then he’s only occasionally mentioned his girlfriend... and it was just a huge kick to the gut for me when he said that.

I presumed he was in an unhappy relationship too, but apparently not so I then guessed it was pre-wedding jitters so messaged him later that night and I wished him happiness and left it like it wouldn’t happen again.

 

He got in touch after his honeymoon, as I was about to take my holiday... I was frustrated so asked him outright what was going on and what did he want.

He was open and said he knew it was wrong, but couldn’t stop thinking about me and didn’t want to stop seeing me.

 

And against my better judgement, I agreed because I felt the same.

 

We don’t see each other overly regularly, and we are conscious of where and when... but when we do see each other it’s always mind blowing. There is a real sexual connection between us, and things as just incredibly passionate and fun.

However, I’ve noticed a weird pattern... we see each other, have an amazing time and then he goes completely silent for a few weeks.

I wondered if it was guilt?

He was always insists he’s fine and it’s always him who will reinitiate the messaging and planning the next rendezvous, but I can guarantee that we’ll have this intense time together and I’ll not hear from him after... and I know I have no right, but it’s upsetting because I always think ‘what have I done?’

 

So I’m conflicted.

I know it’s wrong, and I know this is not how I should deal with my own problems and my own bad relationship. I do feel guilty that we’re doing this... and mentally it’s so exhausting and draining... I’ve never lied in my life, yet to see him I’ve had to tell so many lies I have made myself sick at times.

I’ve been at the point I’ve wanted to tell him it’s over as it’s not fun anymore... but when I see him, that seems to be forgotten and we live in that moment and give into the temptations again.

 

I know myself he’s a bit of an ass, his wife doesn’t deserve this treatment and certainly doesn’t deserve to have had her first year of marriage full of lies... but I can’t help but think surely if he’s doing that, he has a reason? Maybe he is unhappy? I’m overthinking this, I know.

 

When there’s no romantic feelings it shouldn’t be this difficult?

Yet it is. I want to make sense things that just don’t make sense, and I can’t bring myself to let go of him.

 

How do people find bravery to work out what on earth they’re supposed to do?

[BaileyB]

You can’t bring yourself to let this guy go... this man who calls you once very few weeks for sex and then goes silent again for a few weeks.

 

He doesn’t call you for a few weeks because he got what he wanted from you. It’s not guilt. He takes what he wants and then goes home to his wife, until he wants more sex.

 

Now seriously, you are in a very bad marriage. You are very unhappy and very vulnerable - you are allowing yourself to be used for sex and you have somehow convinced yourself that it is more than that... As it relates to your marriage, don’t you think it would be a good plan to end it and go searching for someone who can actually make you happy? Right now, you have two men who can’t give you what you want. And, your children and watching and learning from you... what exactly are you teaching them?

 

As for your MM - he slept with you two days before his wedding. That about says it all... as it relates to his character. Nice guy you picked.

 

I hope others come forward with some good advice to help you to find your courage and find a different path. Because, the path you are on right now is very sad and pretty self destructive.

Edited February 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[NotADayGoesBy]

As someone who has lurked her for a while, I’m surprised you don’t recognize the common push-pull pattern in your relationship that is common in all affairs.

 

You didn’t do anything. He pulls away because he got his extra, and is temporarily satisfied so he goes back to wife.

 

Sounds like you’ve already done your best for your kids’ sake and it’s not going to improve. Instead of torturing yourself for years with this affair relationship, why not use that energy to leave H and find someone who will give you the relationship you need full time? Or, give the marriage one huge last ditch effort by telling H how miserable you are and see if he’s willing to change if not changing means losing you?

 

Maybe read some more stories on here so you can see what you’re in for the longer this goes on.

[DKT3]

The irony lost on WSs. My spouse is soo horrible but I'm the one having the affair and I'm great, my affair partner is great...so ironic.

[anika99]

According to you, you have been unhappily married for the past 6yrs. That means you have had 6yrs to fix your life. 6yrs to either work on improving your marriage or work on ending it. All that time you could have spent working on the future you picture for yourself, with or without your husband.

 

I spent 8yrs with an alcoholic. About 2yrs in I became miserable due to his drinking and the problems that come with alcoholism. I spent the next 3yrs trying to fix him. Fighting, pleading, ultimatums, crying, compromising, settling, back to fighting, etc. It was exhausting, but somewhere around the 5th yr I finally clued in. My unhappiness was my problem to fix. I couldn't change him but I could change myself. So I just stopped all the fighting. I stopped getting mad when he got drunk, I stopped crying when he didn't come home, I stopped depending on him to follow through on promises because I knew he probably wouldn't. I started focusing on what I needed to do to become happier. I got a better job, reconnected with friends, spent more time with my kids and my family. Those relationships had suffered while I had been wallowing in misery. My youngest son became happy again because the fighting had stopped, because he had more of my undivided attention. I started taking courses so that I could further myself even more. Mostly I just did things that made me happy and that were good for me and the people I love. It was all baby steps but it worked.

 

You have been unhappy for 6yrs so what are you going to do about that? Can you not dream bigger or reach higher than falling into bed with a married man? How exactly does an affair improve your life? How does that help your kids who are also trapped in your miserable marriage? Bedding down a married man does nothing to fix your problems, it does nothing to help your children. If anything your affair takes away from your children because even if you are physically present you are always distracted with thoughts of your MM. You have gotten on an emotional rollercoaster where you are probably elated and excited when you are going to see him but sad and distracted when it's over and he doesn't call again for who knows how long. You think you hide your feelings but your kids sense their is something wrong and they don't understand it.

 

If you are unhappily married and the marriage truly can't be fixed then take steps to end it. If you need to stay married for the kids then truly make it about the kids. Find things that you can do to make yourself happy but that also truly improve you and your kids lives. Things that you can share and talk about openly with your family, not an affair that you have to sneak, that makes you look your kids in the eye and lie about where you're going or where you've been. You say this married man laid in your bed. You brought him into your home where you live with your children. You lie to your children and taint their family home. You could be doing so much more to fix your life. Big things, that you could be proud of and that would set a great example for your kids.

 

Sorry for being preachy but having an affair is about the lamest way there is to deal with unhappiness. It doesn't take any ambition or inspiration or strength of character to get naked and sweaty with a married a man. Think bigger, aim higher. Also it's fairly obvious that your MM doesn't contact you after sex with you have served your purpose. When he starts feeling the urge then he gets in touch again. Rinse and repeat.

[TheRainbow]

It's simple. He feels no guilt. He wanted one thing from you and that was sex. When he needs his fix, he'll contact you. If you don't bite, he'll find someone else. If you aren't fulfilled in your current relationship and want something more, leave.

[BaileyB]

Blunt responses today, but universal in our advice.

 

You have suffered for six years in a bad marriage. If you think you are doing your children a favor by staying and suffering for six more years, I would disagree but that is certainly your decision.

 

If you are serious about making some changes to improve your life, as Annika said - you really do need to aim higher than a married man who calls you every few weeks when he wants sex.

 

If you are creating any kind of fantasy around this man, let that go now... he is a bad husband, a man of poor character, and he does not want anything more from this relationship than to exploit the fact you are available for sex at his convenience... Stop the sex and watch how often your phone rings then...

 

Perhaps, counselling is a good first step. You need to figure out why you have stayed in such an unhappy, unhealthy marriage for so long. You also need to discover why you thought an affair with a married man was a good idea. And, you need to start working on a plan to leave your marriage and begin to create a better life for yourself, and your children. Good luck to you.

[pepperbird]

op,

You are being used. There really is nothing more to it. This is a guy who cheated on his fiance who he was supposed to marry in a couple of weeks. He continues to cheat even in his "honeymoon phase".

 

 

You madam, are no better. you know he's newly married and that this is incredibly unfair to his wife. you say you know this, yet you keep on helping him cheat on her. It's hard to feel pity for your situation when you know exactly what it is your are doing.

if you don't like it, stop. That's all you have to do. He can do nothing to/with you that you don't allow.

[Zona]

The irony lost on WSs. My spouse is soo horrible but I'm the one having the affair and I'm great, my affair partner is great...so ironic.

 

True. And so often the spouse only becomes this monster when the wayward meets and gets involved with their shiny new AP. Then the spouse is actually blamed as the cause of the affair, adding insult to injury.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

True. And so often the spouse only becomes this monster when the wayward meets and gets involved with their shiny new AP. Then the spouse is actually blamed as the cause of the affair, adding insult to injury.

 

And the stories always start with the justification for the affair......why their partner is just so horrible.

[Confused-and-Alone]

Wow... whilst I posted hoping someone had been in a similar situation and could offer support, I appreciated it was a risk given the nature of the forum...but some of the comments are difficult to ignore.

 

Firstly thank you to those who took the time to reply.

Of course, never easy to read but that’s what I get.

 

1. I can’t ‘just leave’ my partner (we are not married) because life is not so black and white. He’s always been in control of my finances, as I mentioned he is a controlling person. it is impossible to save any funds or to access what he does not wish me to access as he places my salary in his account each month.

If I cant save, I cant remove myself and my children from the situation.

 

2. I am aware I am in the wrong, and I never at any stage said I were not. I loathe myself and everyday is a huge struggle.

I struggle a great deal with mental illness anyway, and did not wish to go into my feelings as that’s a whole other story however I have not simply disregarded the fact I am in the wrong, and I resent that insinuation.

I am adult, and I accept responsibility for my wrong doing... I am not proud of it, I am not passing the blame. I was trying to explain my frame of mind but clearly this is lost.

 

3. Honestly, I did not even consider I were being used... now it has been said by everyone, that realisation has hit me like a brick wall to the face.

 

I know you will all sit behind your keyboard and attack that with the ‘don’t be so ridiculous’ comments, but it didn’t cross my mind until you said it.

I was so excited to have someone actually show interest after years of being completely ignored that I just didn’t see it/couldn’t see it.

As he were a friend from my past, he sensed I was unhappy and unwell because he knew me and I jumped at that to think he actually cared.

That’s my stupidity right there.

 

Of course now the penny had dropped, so to speak, I realise it will stop immediately because I am in a bad enough place without allowing that to continue.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry, I have never been in your position so I don’t know exactly how you feel but... (be prepared, more tough love coming..)

 

You are not married to the man, you have a job and have your own income... yet, you say that it’s not as easy as leaving your partner because he controls your finances and your paycheck goes into his account.

 

It goes into his account because you have allowed that to happen. Tell HR tomorrow to put the money into your own account and it will be done.

 

But, before you do that you should make an appointment with a lawyer for a free consultation and learn what you would be entitled to - as it relates to child support and the division of assets given you have been living common law with this man.

 

Then, make arrangements to go and stay with a friend or a family member. Your lawyer will tell you what to do. Or, call a women’s shelter and get some support as you plan your exit.

 

I’m not saying that it will be easy, but you are only stuck if you chose to be stuck. Women leave bad relationships every day and get their children to safety. Dare I say it, women with even less resources than you have...

Edited February 25, 2019 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree, Bailey. Just because he's always controlled the finances doesn't mean he always has to. If you want to leave you can do something about that.

 

As far as you not knowing you were being used.... of course that didn't occur to you because the fog was too great. At least you believe it now! Hugs.

[BaileyB]

Just wanted to add... I don’t mean to be harsh. Truly, you will probably think my words are harsh, and I don’t mean to be harsh.

 

I sense a certain passivity in your posts in that you have allowed yourself to be victimized by this man WHO ISNT EVEN YOUR HUSBAND. If anything, we are trying to offer a gentle yet firm shake, as we are trying to shake you out of this inertia you have settled into... I know, it’s always more complicated than it appears but in truth, he only has as much control as you are willing to give him. Take care.

Edited February 25, 2019 by BaileyB

[NotADayGoesBy]

OP--is he physically abusive? If you go to HR tomorrow to have your paycheck deposited in your own account in your own name, would you fear for your safety? Or would it just be a lot of unpleasant yelling?

[BreakOnThrough]

YOU are better than this... now all you have to do is BELIEVE that you are.

[pepperbird]

 

1. He’s always been in control of my finances, as I mentioned he is a controlling person. it is impossible to save any funds or to access what he does not wish me to access as he places my salary in his account each month.

Unless he is in your company's HR department, you most certainly DO control your money. Don't want him to have it? Open your own bank account and arrange to have it deposited there.

 

2. I am aware I am in the wrong, and I never at any stage said I were not. I loathe myself and everyday is a huge struggle.

Whenever someone says that, a little voice in the back of my mind goes " stop trying to shift the focus here". If you are coping with mental illness, get help.

 

3. Honestly, I did not even consider I were being used... now it has been said by everyone, that realisation has hit me like a brick wall to the face.

Good. You are both using each other. Get out of this "relationship" and put that energy into with building the marriage you want or exiting it . btw, please don't use the " it's too hard to leave" line, as if you were that worried about your marriage ending and the impact it would have on you and your kids, you wouldn't cheat. That fact that you are willing to risk your children's stable home because you are unhappy is really telling. Will you choose to remain where you are or take a chance for something better?

 

Please find responses in bold. I know this sounds harsh, but until you get the bubbles and fog from your brain, you're just going to spin your wheels.

You don't need us to tell you what to do, you already know what you need to do, so stop procrastinating and get on it.

Edited February 25, 2019 by pepperbird