She said I hurt her

[ViviAnna]

Hi everyone, I'm new and I really need some advice on my friendship with my best friend. We've been friends for over a decade.

 

She's very conservative and she just got into her first relationship a few months ago. I was happy for her until she told me she's falling for him and he wasn't feeling quite the same. Then a week ago, she tells me he can't see her as a romantic partner. She's obviously very hurt and I was very upset/angry towards this man who, from my point of view, lead her on.. sweet talked her.. and dumped her after losing interest in her. I tried to comfort her and tell her that he's not worth it. But then she started to defend him, saying he's the best and she wants to be his close friend and that he even gave her "relationship" and "sex" advice after the break up. I was speechless because I find him very cruel to do that. I guess during our conversation, I told her to let him go instead of trying to be his best friend, and that he's a terrible guy for giving her advice as if she's not good enough. I also brought up that there might be reasons why he lost interest.. including factors like sex and her insecurity since it was her first love and she said she asked him and he claims he has no idea why he lost feelings. But somehow she interpreted it as I AM the one saying she's not good enough and that I AM the one who made her feel negative after she felt SO GOOD that she and him ended things happily. She continued to criticize me and say I'm the ONLY one who's not supportive of her attempt to try to be best friends with her ex. She then cut me out of her life because she's disappointed in me and my "negativity" that she doesn't need in her life...

 

I don't get this????

[Normm]

You were telling her what to do.That's called "overstepping".

 

You crossed the line between being supportive and trying to control her. Probably because you want her to be your girlfriend?

[preraph]

Well, she's just blindly still trying to have hope with this guy and mad at anyone who tries to dash it. It wasn't fair of her -- unless you actually have romantic interest in her and she could interpret your advice as trying to block her from having a relationship.

 

Just let her simmer down and give her space. She's going to hang on as long as he'll allow it. Once she sees him with another woman, it will come to head again.

[ViviAnna]

Well, she's just blindly still trying to have hope with this guy and mad at anyone who tries to dash it. It wasn't fair of her -- unless you actually have romantic interest in her and she could interpret your advice as trying to block her from having a relationship.

 

Just let her simmer down and give her space. She's going to hang on as long as he'll allow it. Once she sees him with another woman, it will come to head again.

 

No. I'm not interested in her lol. And that's what I thought as well.. that she was blindly trying to have hope with this guy so I told her there's no reason for her to be involved with him any longer when he dropped the "I don't have feelings for you anymore" bomb.

 

Anyways, she explained to me after and told me the whole story from beginning to end. In which, I took back what I said about him being a terrible person. I supported that if she wants to be his friend, then go for it. BUT, she cut me off immediately after that and told me I've hurt her because I made her feel negative about herself and that I was bringing my negative thoughts into her life because of my experiences. Basically demeaning me and telling me because I've been hurt by men in the past I'm assuming her ex is awful as well. I'm at the point where I'm actually giving up on our friendship because I can't believe she thinks this way of me.

[Simple Logic]

Ok, so you gave her your opinion. Now what happens in none of your business.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She's obviously very hurt and I was very upset/angry towards this man who, from my point of view, lead her on.. sweet talked her.. and dumped her after losing interest in her.

 

This part stood out to me.

 

So, what was he supposed to do when he lost interest in her?

 

Sometimes people change their minds. He liked her at first and then decided he didn't like her "that way" but still wanted her friendship. Good for them. None of your business, and you overstepped when she handled it maturely.

[MsJayne]

She's just peeved because you've confronted her with the truth. Who the hell gives relationship and sex advice to someone they just dumped? A jerk, that's who. She's got some nerve ditching you as a friend just because you were honest with her.

[preraph]

No. I'm not interested in her lol. And that's what I thought as well.. that she was blindly trying to have hope with this guy so I told her there's no reason for her to be involved with him any longer when he dropped the "I don't have feelings for you anymore" bomb.

 

Anyways, she explained to me after and told me the whole story from beginning to end. In which, I took back what I said about him being a terrible person. I supported that if she wants to be his friend, then go for it. BUT, she cut me off immediately after that and told me I've hurt her because I made her feel negative about herself and that I was bringing my negative thoughts into her life because of my experiences. Basically demeaning me and telling me because I've been hurt by men in the past I'm assuming her ex is awful as well. I'm at the point where I'm actually giving up on our friendship because I can't believe she thinks this way of me.

 

Oh I'm sorry. She's deflecting her anger onto you. She isn't ready to face the truth. She isn't ready to express anger or get angry at him. Yes shame on you for being so negative as to try to get her to snap out of it. It may take her years.

 

women seem to always think they can change a man and that if they keep giving them love that they just have to love them back. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Sorry you're losing a friend for being one. Just leave her alone and see if she comes creeping back in.

[basil67]

. I also brought up that there might be reasons why he lost interest.. including factors like sex and her insecurity

 

If I understand correctly, you're suggesting that he may have dumped her because she was bad in bed? Ouch. Perhaps what you say is true, but such thoughts should never be spoken aloud to someone you care about.

[ViviAnna]

Oh I'm sorry. She's deflecting her anger onto you. She isn't ready to face the truth. She isn't ready to express anger or get angry at him. Yes shame on you for being so negative as to try to get her to snap out of it. It may take her years.

 

women seem to always think they can change a man and that if they keep giving them love that they just have to love them back. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Sorry you're losing a friend for being one. Just leave her alone and see if she comes creeping back in.

 

Yes haha, shame on me!

 

There are so many other reasons why I thought that sex/being inexperienced could be the reason why he lost interest. FYI, I didn't suggest it's because she's bad in bed since they didn't even have sex. But they've been dating for few months and then became exclusive for a few months after. She likes to take things very slow.

 

As for overstepping, I tried not to. I just didn't see texting him everyday/calling him at night and trying to be his close friend after he dumped her was a good idea. I felt as if she was just trying to keep him close and didn't want to lose any contact with him because she's still very much in love with him, which is TERRIBLE idea to me..

 

I'm just shocked that when my sole intention to care/protect her was depicted as me bringing her down and bringing negativity into her life.

[spiderowl]

She still likes him and cannot bear to hear anything negative about him. I don't think you've done anything wrong except maybe to expect her to be able to see the negative in him at this stage.

 

Give her time. I would not be surprised if she came back and apologised at some point.

 

These situations are very delicate. People are often confused after a break-up and (as in her case) desperately do not want to believe it has really happened. I think anyone telling the truth is likely to be seen as 'not understanding' at least. In your case, she is blaming you for being negative about him, probably because she is angry and distressed herself. It's not nice for you. I guess you can think about how you tried to support her and see if there could have been a different way. I don't know though because she was in denial really.

[preraph]

Yes haha, shame on me!

 

There are so many other reasons why I thought that sex/being inexperienced could be the reason why he lost interest. FYI, I didn't suggest it's because she's bad in bed since they didn't even have sex. But they've been dating for few months and then became exclusive for a few months after. She likes to take things very slow.

 

As for overstepping, I tried not to. I just didn't see texting him everyday/calling him at night and trying to be his close friend after he dumped her was a good idea. I felt as if she was just trying to keep him close and didn't want to lose any contact with him because she's still very much in love with him, which is TERRIBLE idea to me..

 

I'm just shocked that when my sole intention to care/protect her was depicted as me bringing her down and bringing negativity into her life.

 

 

When you're young and inexperienced, no one can tell you anything. Young people are going by the "we're meant to be" mantra in their innocent sweet little heads. They can't handle the truth. They have to learn it the hard way.

 

So don't be too mad at her. Just let her come creeping back once she's wounded and down for the count. Maybe she came from a family who never told her anything negative and led her to believe she's perfect no matter what she thinks or does. She'll just have to learn. It's a hard time and it takes some people years and really being drug through the dirt to face reality.