How to say I’m over “this” you?

[S2B]

I thought you were asking for help to make the M better.

 

Since it seems you intend to end the M... just state the obvious to her...

 

“This isn’t working for me anymore, I filed for divorce”.

 

Be the one to take the action if that’s your goal.

 

If you intend to end the M then stop misleading us.

[Missing4]

You're expecting something NOW (a 6 month deadline) from a person who you admit you haven't been great with for YEARS. Does that seem like a realistic goal to you?

 

She hasn't divorced you so, there's that. You also don't seem to have a clue about what SHE wants and I don't think you can put that all on her. What was the reason you chose HER to cheat with, and what was the impetus for then marrying her? What was her reason for getting with you and her reason to marry you?

 

What about those motivations is different today?

Not years, just one or two, but not straight. If I’m counting it as events, then at most we had 30-45 bad days in 8 years. . And bad behaviour as in like, not as attentive as could be, not being super husband. Nothing extreme, just two young people that didn’t know what long lasting relationships really mean.

 

She hasn’t divorced me because she couldn’t. She’s been depending on me financially since 2013. Only now is she able to start work, through MY motivation and encouragement.

 

I don’t want to put ANYTHING on her, That’s what I’m getting at. I want her to be happy, but that doesn’t mean at the cost of me. I don’t even expect her to change NOW, because that’s UNREALISTIC. It takes people a long time, with lots of reflection.

 

If she says “I’ll try to make the marriage work, but if it doesn’t, then I want a divorce,” then you wouldn’t hear a peep from me. But currently there’s no direction, and I’m getting more distant, which leads to her being hurt, which I don’t want to happen, so I have to choose:

1) to continue pleasing her or

2) save my energy for mysef, or

3) attempt to get both of our needs met.

 

I’ve been doing 1) for years. I’ve attempted 2) but that’s passive aggressive and it hurts her. Both had bad results. I’ve tried 3) last year Christmas, this year summer, and this year Christmas. This, I hope, would be a better attempt at 3) because I’m getting the help of you guys.

 

I want 3) to work, but not at the sacrifice of mine or her needs.

[Missing4]

I thought you were asking for help to make the M better.

 

Since it seems you intend to end the M... just state the obvious to her...

 

“This isn’t working for me anymore, I filed for divorce”.

 

Be the one to take the action if that’s your goal.

 

If you intend to end the M then stop misleading us.

 

I DONT want to end it. I don’t want to stay in a one sided relationship. I don’t want her to stay in a one sided relationship. I want to get us both out of our one sided relationships, and get us into a healthy, loving relationship again.

 

If I wanted to end it I would just file tomorrow. The 6 months could be 10 years for all I care, but I don’t have any experience in divorce... so I’m here to get help to stop that from coming.

[Missing4]

You're expecting something NOW (a 6 month deadline) from a person who you admit you haven't been great with for YEARS. Does that seem like a realistic goal to you?

 

She hasn't divorced you so, there's that. You also don't seem to have a clue about what SHE wants and I don't think you can put that all on her. What was the reason you chose HER to cheat with, and what was the impetus for then marrying her? What was her reason for getting with you and her reason to marry you?

 

What about those motivations is different today?

 

I was dating someone I’d just met. I’ve just arrived to a new country with limited foreigners like myself. The exgf went on a trip two weeks after meeting me. It wasn’t working out, and I would’ve left/broken up, but I can say the past version of myself was 24, new to sex and relationships. These women were all relationship experience.

 

My wife was/is so sweet it’s unreal. She loves. She gives. She’s tender and kind. She’s funny and outgoing. She smart and inquisitive. She’s amazing. I fell head over heels for her. But having an unplanned baby, while struggling with alcoholism and the stress of supporting AND immigrating dead bedroom/intimateless marriage on a low income has truly drained me.

 

But the reality is that times got tough, and through time she’s distanced herself to protect herself, but she couldn’t leave. I realized this in 2015, but I’ve been working on being the best husband since 2013, which meant also helping her. Encouraged her to continue education. She’ll be able to financially support herself in 6-8 months because she’ll make the same money as me. It would be better if she stays and we’d have more money as a family >.<

 

Why did we get married? Simply to get the paperwork so we could live closer together, and eventually immigrate to Canada together. My feelings for her haven’t wavered in the last 9 years. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose my family.

 

Is it wrong to want to get my needs met? Better than what she thinks is he case? Do I not deserve a fighting chance? I’m sure that a healthy man/woman would want the same in any marriage. I wouldn’t want her to stay with me if she wasn’t happy. If she’s not strong enough to pull off the bandaid, then I will for the both of us because that’s what a confident person should be able to do. She can depend on me. I want to depend on her. It would fill me with joy if she left me and actually became happier! Take the kid, not take the kid, I just want everyone to be happy...

[Turning point]

I was dating someone I’d just met. I’ve just arrived to a new country with limited foreigners like myself. The exgf went on a trip two weeks after meeting me. It wasn’t working out, and I would’ve left/broken up, but I can say the past version of myself was 24, new to sex and relationships. These women were all relationship experience.

 

My wife was/is so sweet it’s unreal. She loves. She gives. She’s tender and kind. She’s funny and outgoing. She smart and inquisitive. She’s amazing. I fell head over heels for her. But having an unplanned baby, while struggling with alcoholism and the stress of supporting AND immigrating dead bedroom/intimateless marriage on a low income has truly drained me.

 

But the reality is that times got tough, and through time she’s distanced herself to protect herself, but she couldn’t leave. I realized this in 2015, but I’ve been working on being the best husband since 2013, which meant also helping her. Encouraged her to continue education. She’ll be able to financially support herself in 6-8 months because she’ll make the same money as me. It would be better if she stays and we’d have more money as a family >.<

 

Why did we get married? Simply to get the paperwork so we could live closer together, and eventually immigrate to Canada together. My feelings for her haven’t wavered in the last 9 years. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose my family.

 

Is it wrong to want to get my needs met? Better than what she thinks is he case? Do I not deserve a fighting chance? I’m sure that a healthy man/woman would want the same in any marriage. I wouldn’t want her to stay with me if she wasn’t happy. If she’s not strong enough to pull off the bandaid, then I will for the both of us because that’s what a confident person should be able to do. She can depend on me. I want to depend on her. It would fill me with joy if she left me and actually became happier! Take the kid, not take the kid, I just want everyone to be happy...

 

Which one of you struggles with alcoholism (addiction.)?

[sandylee1]

it could be any number of things:

 

- she isn't interested in sex (low libido, feels unappreciated, is tired, is depressed/stressed out, body image issues)

- she doesn't enjoy sex (anymore)

- she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore

 

What stands out, is that she isn't bothered about improving your marriage.

 

I'm not a fan of making lists and giving ultimatums. if she can't see the issues in your marriage, that's a problem in itself.

 

Do you go out as a couple? Date nights? Do you do fun family things together?

[Missing4]

Me. I struggled with it. Got on to forums for help. Didn’t even know that addiction was a thing. I have an addictive personality in general, but wasn’t introduced to drugs/alcohol until I was 23. Heck, that’s when I lost my virginity. I’m not addicted anymore, but I have adhd and prescription meds. Anyways, she’s been a part of my life since I’ve been introduced to a whole lot of stuff. The result is the me now

[Missing4]

it could be any number of things:

 

- she isn't interested in sex (low libido, feels unappreciated, is tired, is depressed/stressed out, body image issues)

- she doesn't enjoy sex (anymore)

- she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore

 

What stands out, is that she isn't bothered about improving your marriage.

 

I'm not a fan of making lists and giving ultimatums. if she can't see the issues in your marriage, that's a problem in itself.

 

Do you go out as a couple? Date nights? Do you do fun family things together?

 

This 100%. Recently, yes, but im the one making the arrangements and trying to brainstorm with her, sometimes surprise her with surprise dates, and have even asked her to think up of dates/things for us to do as a couple but alas... natta.

 

This Request by me is not meant to be an ultimatum. It’s just reality, right? If we can’t get into a healthy relationship within 6months then 9months of separation, which is a year and 3 months, then what’s the point?? Right? 15 months plus the last 9 years.

 

I don’t know if I’ll get into a relationship in the future, but that has never been my driving force. I just want to not be slowly dying (figuratively) with no end in sight to the pain, be it marriage or single dad or single.

[Missing4]

I’m sitting here thinking... man... is the drift really that bad that I want to not hurt anymore. I just want to provide for them the best I can, but I need emotional love to give me strength to power through two jobs and just life. Seeing their smiles makes me so happy, but that can only go so far. I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to run. I just want to not be tired anymore. If 6 months if focused efforts individually and together, and if that doesn’t work, then 9 months of individually and co-parenting together. If that doesn’t work to rekindle whatever we’ve lost, then surely we’d have to co-parent and be fine with it. She loves me and doesn’t want to NOT provide for me what I need, so she’d be hurt in the divorce as well.

 

Funny story. Earlier she was doing laundry downstairs. Kid comes to me while I’m sitting on the bathroom, waving at my face my wife’s new (unbeknownst to me) vibrator. I laughed my ass off cuz it was funny! “Daddy what’s this! Looks so cooooool!” Well when she came back told her the story and we all laughed. 10 min ago she comes over to me and I tell her the story in more detail for laughs. She said (unprompted) that she’s trying to get a libido because she doesn’t have one...

 

She’s trying. I’m proud of her. Is there any way for me to talk it out with her? These stupid needs of mine, without ruining any progress? I just want more touching (non sexual), that’s unprompted by me. I’m always going to love her and continue doing my best to show her love, and I hope she continues her path. Should I just go to IC and move forward from there? That might be the best solution now that I’m typing it out.

 

But what do you guys think? Say nothing and go to IC? Say something and go to IC? What do I even say anymore... I’m genuinely wordless.

[Turning point]

Me. I struggled with it. Got on to forums for help. Didn’t even know that addiction was a thing. I have an addictive personality in general, but wasn’t introduced to drugs/alcohol until I was 23. Heck, that’s when I lost my virginity. I’m not addicted anymore, but I have adhd and prescription meds. Anyways, she’s been a part of my life since I’ve been introduced to a whole lot of stuff. The result is the me now

 

Where was she when you were drinking?

[David33]

It's fine to go ahead and wait for the signs you're looking for on whatever timeline you agree to. Then stick to it.

 

I felt the fatigue it sounds like you're experiencing many years ago. I didn't stick to multiple deadlines I set and that's on me. Finally, I realized she was incapable of changing and that if I didn't change our situation, I would end up in a hospital, sick from exhaustion and we would both suffer. Divorce (pending) was the only way I could do that. GL

[Missing4]

Where was she when you were drinking?

 

With me. She drinks but is much better at it, but is addicted to digital media. We’re all addicted to something heh, freaking humans.

 

So, had to deal with failing marriage, unplanned baby, immigrating, learning new language, addiction, and let’s not forget, losing god (religion).

 

A LOT of stuff was going on, and I felt that I could never “stop” because I had 3 lives depending on me. I was trying to keep my family together, while planning for the future AND fixing all my personal issues. It was hard doing that for 6 years (and counting) without FEELING the support.

 

She supported me in HER OWN WAY. That’s fine and appreciated! It’s just hard to remind myself of this while also not getting any verbal signals.

 

I didnt/don’t want to keep playing detective in recognizing signs while also dealing with my life crashing. I needed support. I need support. She’s providing it in her own way, which is fine if society tells me my way of thinking is wrong. I’m willing to accept that and work on myself.

 

I’ve already decided to not say anything or timelines. I believe we’re both going for the same goals, it’s just that I’m more outspoken about it. Just wish she would show it to me in my style of appreciation as well, because I’m so tired

[Missing4]

It's fine to go ahead and wait for the signs you're looking for on whatever timeline you agree to. Then stick to it.

 

I felt the fatigue it sounds like you're experiencing many years ago. I didn't stick to multiple deadlines I set and that's on me. Finally, I realized she was incapable of changing and that if I didn't change our situation, I would end up in a hospital, sick from exhaustion and we would both suffer. Divorce (pending) was the only way I could do that. GL

 

Thank you for this. I’m at that point. Starting this thread helped, and Ian giving me a chance to unload my thoughts and reflect on the feedback.

 

Did it end up working out though? Or is the divorce the way it looks like it’s heading?

[Turning point]

Are you still drinking?

[S2B]

When my expectations lead me to understand I was looking for others to fulfill my needs... I had to learn that I had to give myself what I expected to get.

 

Sure, I could ask others to provide me with something specific - but it’s also possible they may say no.

 

Look within... what you’re looking for isn’t necessarily supposed to come from others.

[David33]

Thank you for this. I’m at that point...Did it end up working out though? Or is the divorce the way it looks like it’s heading?

 

It did not work out. Divorce was the only option. Reading posts like yours and others helped me realize I'm not alone and reflect on the mistakes I made. I wish you the best.