Should I just walk away now? With a wonderful guy that is scared of commitment

[Silver_star]

We are a year and a half in now. He is the most kind and caring person I have ever been with. When I am with him I can be completely myself and I feel loved.

 

He had a heartbreak four years ago when his wife left him (He is only 33) it was his first love. He had time in between to date around and he said with me he was finally happy again and didn't want to see anyone else. So we got serious and we are monogamous. I fell deeply in love fast.

 

First sign of the commitment issues was when he couldn't say I love you back. Maybe 4 months in I said it to him. He showed love to me in different ways. Spent all his time on me, gave me affection, but he just couldn't say it. Which hurt. I asked him and he said he didnt know why, that he cared very deeply for me but just was scared...I let it go in light of all the other ways he showed me he cared and loved me. At times i brought it up and wondered if he would ever be able to say it, and what it meant that he couldn't.

 

He got a job opportunity in the states. We almost broke up but he was so adamant that he would just go try it out and if it didn't work he would come back, and that we would still talk and visit...so now we are long distance...He facetimes me everyday, he puts in an effort. He sends good night/good morning texts and messags throughout the day and we see each other every month and a half or so. I trust there is no one else.

 

Problem is now that we are long distance I am even more aware of the Uncertainty surrounding his commitment to me long term. About whether or not he sees a future with me, or is just stringing me along so he is not lonely. He is visiting now, and we talked about it...he said that he cares about me deeply but when he thinks about a future together (moving in, progressing together as a couple) he is scared and doesnt know if he is ready and when he would be ready. He said its not me, that I am the best woman he has ever been with, but he has his own issues and is scared to open up again completely. Could this be true? or is this just bull**** you tell yourself to hold on to what you have and be comfortable until someone comes along that you cant live without?

 

Where do I go from here? I told him i wont wait around for him to "decide" when we can or if we can have a future together, and if he wanted to work on himself he can do that but I cant do that for him and he needs to figure out what he wants.

 

We said we will come up with a plan and confirm before he leaves in a few days. Its been extremely heartbreaking hearing what sounds like he is saying he cares about me but not enough to be excited about a future together, and yet he also seems legit sad that he feels this way...are we just not right for each other? Ugh

[Els]

The problem with LDRs is that you can't be a "casual LDR", not in any real sense of the term. You can't just potter around and see how things will go - one person eventually has to move to the other person, usually on a de facto or spousal visa (I don't think the US even does de facto, so you're stuck with spousal i.e. marriage).

 

I wouldn't make a big issue about ILU though - I personally think that it doesn't really indicate anything except what sort of person they are. The verbal sort of person will say it to just about everyone, whereas the non-verbal sort of person will have difficulty saying it even to a partner whom they'd sacrifice a lot for. IMO, actions speak much louder than words.

 

Now, him moving away from you without a good reason (can he not work where you are?), THAT is an action and that speaks very loudly to me. Especially since he has no plans for closing the distance. I don't think this will work out personally.

[d0nnivain]

1.5 months in I'd save give him some time. 1.5 years in, no he will never be able to commit. I suppose you can throw a hail mary & offer an ultimatum . . . move in or else but that's unfair too if it requires him to change jobs too. The LDR / facetime thing lets him fake commitment without really dealing with the day to day realties of a true relationship. He's still holding you at arm's length.

[Silver_star]

I appreciate the outside perspective.

What would the ultimatum be? I have considered this, but don't know what would really make me feel better at this point since he has already said he is unsure about whether or not he wants me in his future, or sees me in his future.

I dont understand why he wouldnt just break up with me. He indicated he didnt want to break up.

 

Its not like hes using me for sex or something...but maybe he gets some sort of emotional crutch out of me, and he doesnt need to do any self work?

[d0nnivain]

Again, given the distance, the ultimatum won't work. It's not fair to say come home & marry me or I will break up with you.

 

When was the last time you saw each other? Can you take a trip there to talk about expectations in person?

[Silver_star]

He is here right now. We talked about it on the phone but said lets have a real talk when you get here, so now he is here, and we talked about it yesterday. He opened up a lot...you can tell he is hurting about this...but i don't get why he isnt certain of what he wants.

He is here until Wednesday. Gone again for a month or more.

[d0nnivain]

What happens in a month? Is he back for good? At that point a fish or cut bait approach may be warranted.

[Silver_star]

Right now he has called working in another country a "Trial", because the deal he made with work was that they pay for his expenses for 6 months. End of April will be 6 months, at that time he is paying for his own way there...I thought I would wait it out and if he doesn't decide to come back I get my answer...but I think I may already have my answer based on what he said to me. He doesn't know if he sees me in his future. He doesnt know if he will ever want to move in with me...

[assertives]

Personally, I feel it's ok to feel unsure now, but at least one must have the intention to work on whatever personal demons he may have that is making him scared to commit. If he tells you that he's unsure now, but does want to put in the work or have some sorta plan to work things out towards a future with you, then I'd say to wait it out and give him some time. But if he isn't even sure if he wants you in his future, I don't think you should wait then. Afterall, it's been 1.5 years.

[Whodatdog]

It does sound like, as much as its a good relationship now, its not something he wants to commit to a future to. Maybe something having to do with his first marriage, but whatever it is, it does sound like he wants to keep one foot in the door.

 

The funny thing about deals like this is, he's telling you what he can and can not do. So its now up to you to decide if this is enough for you, or if you are willing to gamble staying with him, because its what it is, a gamble. After a year and a half, people usually know if the person is the one they will commit to. If they dont after that time, theres a reason why. Its now up to you.

[BC1980]

This is a waste of your time. He's not scared of commitment. He just doesn't want to commit to you. He doesn't want a future with you, and it's that simple. Cut this off, and look for someone who feels the same way.

[salparadise]

So, he wouldn't/couldn't say "I love you" at 4 months... has he ever mustered up the courage to tell you he loves you?

 

You may have a serious commitment phobe on your hands. I don't think this is all about his divorce––I think he's walled off generally, a primary personality feature.

 

I've known guys who wasted decades of women's lives this way. If your time means anything to you, and if commitment is important (which it seems like it is), then you need to either get on with it or get over it.

 

In one sense, you could ask what is the point of pressuring someone who is this reticent. Do you really want to issue an ultimatum? But on the other hand, the alternative is to just end it, and that may be even worse.

 

I want to know if he now tells you he loves you, and means it.

[CantGetEnuff]

OP, your thread reminds me of other threads we've had about men feeling being pressured into "commitment/marriage." This is a good example.

 

IMO it would be a horrible idea to issue any kind of ultimatum. Do you really want to have to pressure/nag/complain him into giving you what you want? What kind of outcome would you anticipate from that sort of approach?

 

He honestly not know what he wants long-term, if anything. And "I don't know" is a legitimate answer. If you can't handle there being some uncertainty at this point, I think you know what you should do.

[Silver_star]

It's been a month and a half, and still in the same spot really. I am terrified of going on like this for another year and having the same sinking feeling that we wont ever have a relationship where we are in the same city, let alone one day living in the same city under the same roof. We werent always long distance. We met in the same city and had a great relationship for a year before he moved to another state for a promotion. He said it was a trial, but now its seeming more permanent.

 

I dont want to pressure him into wanting the same things as me, i just want him to want the same things. But he doesnt, and that is becoming painfully more clear.

 

I had an emotional talk yesterday where I felt I had broken things off with him, but he told me he did love me, and he called me and I could see the pain in him too. He said he didnt want to hurt me and he has these feelings that he doesnt want to dissapoint me in the future which is why he doesnt want to talk about the future. I ask him why but he cannot elaborate, he just says it's him and he doesnt picture himself ever moving in with me or a future beyond trips together and occasionally spending time together. I told him I am 32 years old, and I can't have a relationship long distance with someone who doesnt have the same end goals as me. After 1.5 years he should want something more serious, or move on, and not string me along. He said it is not his intention to string me along, that he is serious about me, and that he cares about me so much and wants to be with me. It feels like he just wants to be with me HIS way.

 

I am not in a hurry to go out and find a replacement person and move in with anyone, but I feel like I am settling and having a relationship on his terms.

 

I will see in him 10 days. I am going to the states to see him. So we will decide finally then. He is great sweet man who I love so much and he is worth waiting for if he was willing to work on his own commitment problems. Although he gives me his attention every day I don't feel like I am really a priority if after 1.5 years he can't see a future with me.

 

In part a rant, but also if you have any advice that would be great. If you have been through these kinds of issues with a man or woman at a distance.

 

Thank you

[clia]

I dont want to pressure him into wanting the same things as me, i just want him to want the same things. But he doesnt, and that is becoming painfully more clear.

 

I had an emotional talk yesterday where I felt I had broken things off with him, but he told me he did love me, and he called me and I could see the pain in him too. He said he didnt want to hurt me and he has these feelings that he doesnt want to dissapoint me in the future which is why he doesnt want to talk about the future. I ask him why but he cannot elaborate, he just says it's him and he doesnt picture himself ever moving in with me or a future beyond trips together and occasionally spending time together. I told him I am 32 years old, and I can't have a relationship long distance with someone who doesnt have the same end goals as me. After 1.5 years he should want something more serious, or move on, and not string me along. He said it is not his intention to string me along, that he is serious about me, and that he cares about me so much and wants to be with me. It feels like he just wants to be with me HIS way.

 

You have your answer -- bolded above. You are wasting your time with this guy if you are looking for a committed relationship. It may not be his intention to string you along, but that is exactly what he's doing.

[Redhead14]

99% of the time when a man says he isn't sure, he IS sure that he doesn't want to commit to YOU but things are good enough for him on some level, it's working for him/convenient and doesn't want to let go of what's in front of him . . . yet.

 

They aren't afraid of commitment, what they are afraid of is the drama associated with dumping a woman and being the bad guy. In these cases, the woman has to grow a set and end it or she will allow herself to be strung along for years.

[BC1980]

What are your goals? Do you want to get married and have a family? Because this guy is not the ticket to that goal.

[Silver_star]

Thanks for the input. I have the same feelings. Feeling really foolish but following my heart when my mind is telling me I am being blind and spending emotional invesent on a man who doesnt care if you are there 1 year from now or not. He doesnt say that, but him not wanting to be together or "i dont know" tells me that.

 

I am just looking for any counter points I havent considered.

 

My goal is not marriage or kids, but commitment is still important to me. My goal is living in the same city, and starting to share our lives more over time (living together is important to me, and wanting to combine family stuff...his family is living away so I havent met them, and I get the feeling like he doesnt really mind that).

[elaine567]

Yes.

 

When someone tells you they see no future with you, you are wasting your time if you stick around.

Truth is you are basically not wife material to him, in fact you aren't even live-in partner material.

 

...he doesn't picture himself ever moving in with me or a future beyond trips together and occasionally spending time together.

This may be great if you were 22 - a nice filler, casual, none too serious, relationship that gives you lots of space, but at 32 you need

a relationship that actually means something and is actually going somewhere...

[BC1980]

Your goals don't align with his at all. He's not going to commit to you the way you want. Living in the same city is the bare minimum. You can't really conduct a LDR for this long. Someone has to move at some point, or you have to break up. You're realizing this and realizing you're not on the same page as him.

[truf]

You both need to be on the same page. He for sure has some issues with commitment and those need to be worked out. If he doesn't, your relationship will never change. So I think that is what you need to keep in mind. He must want to change himself in order to deepen your relationship. If he doesn't, you're only in for more hurt and less satisfaction you want in a relationship. That means you best option might be to break up... From what you're saying, it's not your fault at all.

[nolanola]

OP, I totally get what you are saying and how hard this is. People always say : "actions speak louder than words". But in this case, I think you should listen to the words. Because I think men often tell us exactly how they feel in one way or another and we choose not to listen because we want to only look at their actions or what we want to be true.

 

This guy probably does really care about you and probably even loves you. But he is consciously avoiding making a commitment or taking steps to bring you guys together. I'm sure right now this situation works really well for him and he doesn't want it to change. He has you and your support, as well as the physical intimacy when you guys see each other. But he doesn't have to be a real partner, in the sense that he is there day in and day out. He has told you he's not going to change this.

 

This might sound mean and I don't intend it to, but the longer you stay in this situation, the more he will lose respect for you. Because you're letting him have everything but give very little. So he will start to see you as someone that he doesn't have to put forth the effort with, if he doesn't see you that way already. I suspect that if you stay in this situation he will eventually find someone closer to where he is physically and it will break your heart and ruin your self esteem. Or you'll be on this board in a year asking the same questions about why he won't commit. If you take some control and walk away with your head held high it will hurt like hell. But you'll be able to respect yourself and find someone that can be what you want.

 

Hugs to you. I've been in this position and I suspect a lot of us have. I dearly wish I had walked away before I did.

[Iris The Butterfly]

He said he didnt want to hurt me and he has these feelings that he doesnt want to dissapoint me in the future which is why he doesnt want to talk about the future. I ask him why but he cannot elaborate, he just says it's him and he doesnt picture himself ever moving in with me or a future beyond trips together and occasionally spending time together. He said it is not his intention to string me along, that he is serious about me, and that he cares about me so much and wants to be with me.

 

I was in a LDR for a year and these situations are very difficult. Mine came to an end because neither one of us were willing to pick up our lives and move across the country.

 

Your guy is explicitly telling you that he does not see a future with you. He doesn't want to move in together, he doesn't want to make it more than occasionally spending time together and go on trips. After a year and a half, I would no longer be ok with that. That IS casual. Are you ok with it being casual? No. He is being honest that he doesn't want to string you along and likes you and wants to just sometimes date you. Blame it on being scared of commitment, but he is being very straightforward with you that this is as good as it's going to get.

 

I think that talking in person is always best, and you'll have that chance soon. But unless he changes his tune by saying, "I'd like to make plans to live together or in the same city and I'd like a future with you", yes you should walk away. A year is more than enough time to know if you want a future with someone. He has come to the conclusion that he does not.

 

Note: As to the previous poster's comment about him having respect for you by ending the relationship, I would agree. That happened for me when I ended my LDR. It hurt badly, but in my ex's eyes I was in the right and he respected the fact that I was going after what was in my best interest. We were able to end the relationship with a friendship. Sometimes you just have to say, "I need more out of this than what you're offering" and walk away.

Edited April 10, 2019 by littlebridge

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are in this situation OP. It is obviously very painful.

 

This guy might be great but:

 

He does not see himself moving in with you in the future.

 

He has not offered commitment.

 

He accepted a job a long way away (albeit 'temporary').

 

I agree with others that if you continue to wait for him, he will not respect you for it. Respect is fundamental to atttraction and love. Yes he may well love you and enjoy spending time with you, but he is not making that happen.

 

The only thing I would advise is do not wait for him to make a decision. Take your power back by making your own decision. Is it better to go through the pain now or a year or two in the future when he is more settled where he is and still non-committal?

 

Finally, his heart was broken before. His ex left him, not the other way round. I suspect his heart is still with her and he knows it so he feels he cannot commit to you.

Edited April 10, 2019 by spiderowl

[Silver_star]

Thank you for your advice.

Despite what some of the comments read about him being in love with his ex, or still having her in his heart or mind. I really don't think so, but I do think she contributed to his issues with commitment by hurting him.

To clarify though he didnt say he doesnt want a future, his response is always "I dont know". I dont know when I will be back, I dont know if I ever want to move in...I don't know if I will live here, or move somewhere else. I dont know if I can come on holiday with you...

It's frustrating, and once I tell him I am upset that he seems like he doesnt want to be with me, or want me in his future, he says of course he does, but he still doesnt know. He is so afraid of committing to future events.

That doesnt feel great. I am tired of feeling this way. Despite all his other great qualities I do think it is best to let go now. He needs help and I suggested that to him, and I know he wont do it. That would require commitment to helping himself and reflecting on his own feelings. Which he is not comfortable with.

 

Anyways, I do know what I need to do. I need to break up the romantic relationship with him, and let him grow on his own. If he comes back to me one day and we are both single maybe we could try again.