Should I just walk away now? With a wonderful guy that is scared of commitment

[BC1980]

I don't know = No. That's one of those life lessons you learn the hard way.

[preraph]

He is not ready to take up with another woman and give his all yet. That's it in a nutshell. It's never a good thing though when a guy tells you he doesn't see you in his future. He's either not wanting a woman in his future, or you're not the one. It's not good. That said, if you want to see what happens when he returns, then do it. As far as you know, he could be dating other women right now. And that's what he probably needs to do, honestly.

[Whodatdog]

OP, I totally get what you are saying and how hard this is. People always say : "actions speak louder than words". But in this case, I think you should listen to the words. Because I think men often tell us exactly how they feel in one way or another and we choose not to listen because we want to only look at their actions or what we want to be true.

 

I still feel that actions speak louder than words; in this case, its his lack of action that is speaking volumes. He's telling her what he wont do; the OP says:

 

"I dont know when I will be back, I dont know if I ever want to move in...I don't know if I will live here, or move somewhere else. I dont know if I can come on holiday with you...

It's frustrating, and once I tell him I am upset that he seems like he doesnt want to be with me, or want me in his future, he says of course he does, but he still doesnt know. He is so afraid of committing to future events.

[Silver_star]

All the recent build up since we almost broke up last weekend about the commitment issues, has caused alot of little fights on the phone, mostly initiated by me because I was angry and resentful towards him about the bigger issue, and last night when we tried to talk about things it seems like there was a distance in our connection because of the fighting. I wanted to see him try harder and fight for us this week, but he wasnt and it made me feel like he didn't care.

 

He knows me pretty well and we talked about it, and I told him I needed to not be in a relationship with him anymore because we dont want the same things and that is making me resentful and picking fights, and he was really really sad, but he understood. It broke my heart into pieces to see him cry because I never really saw that, and he was also apologizing a lot about how much he has hurt me through him moving down there, and yet still he didnt know or offer any solution of how we could fix this. It seems so tragic that his anxiety wins.

 

I told him I was sorry that I couldn't wait it out with him, but I need more commitment and something to look forward to, and he understood. He was agreeing that maybe it was about timing, but it didnt seem like he was going to get any help for his deeper issues.

 

Cried until I fell asleep, and feeling pretty upset today, but I know it was the right thing. He said he still wants to see me in a week. Do you think he will want to get back together? If he does how would it be different?

[Els]

My opinion remains unchanged - I think you should leave.

[nolanola]

OP, I would tell him you need some space for a while. I won't go into my whole back story, but I was involved in a similar situation for over 4 years. The man I was in love with would never take the next steps to be fully committed to me. Several times we talked about everything and I tried to break up with him. I would get my courage up, tell him what I wanted, he would say he couldn't be what I wanted, I would tell him we should take some space, he would say ok, I would cry buckets. Then a week or two later, he would contact me and we would start all over again. I dearly wish I had stuck to my guns and kept that space. He found someone else closer to where he lives and broke my heart 5 months ago.

 

You know you did the right thing. It is hard because you love him, but the best thing you can do is stick to your guns. Let him live without you and see what that's like. He needs to either step up or let you move on. If he really wants you in his life, he needs to take concrete steps to make a commitment to you.

 

I'm sorry it sucks so much. It sucks for me too, but worse because I wish I had acted in a way that he would respect me.

[chillii]

I told him I was sorry that I couldn't wait it out with him, but I need more commitment and something to look forward to, and he understood. He was agreeing that maybe it was about timing, but it didnt seem like he was going to get any help for his deeper issues.

 

Cried until I fell asleep, and feeling pretty upset today, but I know it was the right thing. He said he still wants to see me in a week. Do you think he will want to get back together? If he does how would it be different?

 

 

 

 

Sorry it's not working out, being stuck in the middle somewhere is so confusing.

But what women usually call commitment issues is usually just a guy being unsure about the relationship itself, it's usually just as simple as that underneath all the hoo haa.

 

He doesn't even sound like he has any issues apart from coming to terms with things that happened with his ex but that stuff is more such a time recovering thing, l dunno if any amount of help or counseling or whatever can make that just go away and be all fixed.

But that's a separate thing to this stuff with you guys. When he says he can't see a future and all that, that's not about his ex, that's about this thing with you.

So for whatever the reasons, if he can't see that then of course he's not gonna commit or get in deeper, that'd be crazy.

So sorry to say but that's where the so called issues are for him in this. Sometimes you can't even tell why you can't just go for it , but it's just not sitting with you so you just can't.

Personally l think you've done the right thing because he could probably stay in limbo for years on this otherwise, sort of happy to be with you and feeling almost all the right stuff, but just not quite getting over the line.

Edited April 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BaileyB]

Did he have any counselling after his wife left him/his marriage ended? It sounds like he has a lot of unfinished business...

 

I was once in a similar position. We had this discussion after theee months. I told him that I was not prepared to spend my time with a man who did not want what I wanted - a serious, long term relationship. I walked away. He understood and we parted amicably. Now, he did come back a year later when he felt more ready/had his life together. We have been together for three years now.

 

If what he is offering is not what you want, you have to be prepared to walk away. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. But, you have to love yourself enough to do what is in YOUR best interest. Clinging to a relationship with a man who moves away and tells you that he wants to spend time together occasionally is not a wise thing to do, if you want more than that for your life.