I don't know what to feel

[texasgirl1]

Hello. Newbie here. I’m looking for some non-judgemental support and advice. I’m a MW aged 45 and about 18 months ago met a 50 year old MM through an online book club. We chatted amongst other book fans for about 6 months and it became clear that we had started to develop feelings towards each other. We spent a further 6 months talking privately online – it was both deeply emotional and sexual and soon got to the point where we were spending hours and hours every day sharing every aspect of our life with each other. 6 months ago we decided to meet up in Texas, which is mid-way between where we live, and since then our EA became a full blown PA as well as continuing with the highly emotional side. We both have children and had discussed that we would not leave our marriages as stable family life for our kids was the priority for both of us. He has been married for 30 years and me for 20, neither of us have had prior indiscretions. We thought we may be together once the kids had flown the nest.

 

D day for him came 6 weeks ago. His wife discovered some of our facebook messages, she was distraught and asked him to leave while she sorted through her feelings. They have been living separately since, with him desperate to return home because of his children who were in the house at the time and heard everything. He hurts to see his wife so hurt yet still has feelings for me. The 2 oldest children have not spoken to him since, though the 2 younger children still are, and seem to be accepting of the situation. He told his wife that we had never met and it had been a purely online relationship as he had been lonely given the distance that had developed over the last 10 years in their marriage. We have spoken on the phone a few times since and exchanged text messages when on the subway or at the gas station, nothing sexual, just friendship and sadness. We still love each other but he must try to save his family.

 

I don’t understand my feelings and emotions – sometimes all that I want for him is to be happily reunited with his kids. Other times I want to get back what we had and wonder if that can ever happen. Sometimes I know I should just turn my back and focus on my own family but he never leaves my mind. Sometimes, a very unrealistic part of me wonders if their relationship ends can there be anything for us? Why am I feeling this way, is this normal or am I just a horrible person? Has anyone had any similar experiences? What are the chances of his wife taking him back after so long apart? He has very religeous old parents and is worried about the impact on them as well

[Zona]

Hello. Newbie here. I’m looking for some non-judgemental support and advice.

D day for him came 6 weeks ago. His wife discovered some of our facebook messages...

 

My advice is for you to prepare for your husband and kids/in-laws, etc., finding out about your affair. It's only a matter of time before his betrayed wife contacts your husband.

 

You might want to get ahead of it by telling him you've been sleeping with someone else. Better for you to tell him then for him to find out on his own.

 

Now that the affair has been found out, the best thing you can do is be totally honest. Lying and trickle truth may very well spell the end of your marriage.

[d0nnivain]

You have already been rejected by him. He picked his family over you. He's done. He's gonna do what he has to do for his kids & his elderly religious parents. Whatever you were to him, you were not enough for him to sacrifice everything.

 

With no hope of getting him back, you need to straighten up your mess. Come clean to your husband. He may not be as forgiving as the OW. Be prepared for divorce.

[BTDT2012]

He told his wife that we had never met and it had been a purely online relationship as he had been lonely given the distance that had developed over the last 10 years in their marriage.

 

 

He's a liar who is trying to get his wife and life back.

 

 

Sometimes, a very unrealistic part of me wonders if their relationship ends can there be anything for us?

 

 

Remember, all you know is what he tells you. You would do better to prepare for your husband to find out about your affair.

[mark clemson]

I don’t understand my feelings and emotions – sometimes all that I want for him is to be happily reunited with his kids. Other times I want to get back what we had and wonder if that can ever happen. Sometimes I know I should just turn my back and focus on my own family but he never leaves my mind. Sometimes, a very unrealistic part of me wonders if their relationship ends can there be anything for us? Why am I feeling this way, is this normal or am I just a horrible person?

 

You can think of this as the emotional part of your brain struggling with the logical/"planning" part of your brain. As we all know, they don't always work in sync and that's particularly true in affairs.

 

As some others have pointed out, it's quite possible that your feelings for OM may soon become the least of your worries. You should try to prepare for several possible outcomes, including worst-case scenarios.

[anika99]

This is why I don't understand people who say providing a stable home life for their kids is important yet they decide to risk that stability by cheating. As if they're cheating for the good of their kids or something. I'm guessing your MM's children aren't finding their lives stable at all at the moment. The discovered cheating probably upset their lives a great deal more than divorce would have.

 

It's only been six weeks and his wife is still trying to get the truth. A condition of reconciling will be that he comes clean and tells her the full truth. There is a good chance that she will let your husband know and then your kid's lives will become unstable too. I'm sad for your kids.

[assertives]

I think whether his wife would take him back is the least of your worries. If they are going to work on their marriage one more time, he will have to come clean, and that means telling her that it was not an online affair but a physical one. It will only be a matter of time that dday comes for you too. I suggest you come clean with your husband about the affair. Better for him to hear it from you than from someone else.

[DKT3]

I think your focus should be preparing your family for the fallout. His wife is a time bomb that can blow your way of life to pieces at any given moment.

[BaileyB]

This is why I don't understand people who say providing a stable home life for their kids is important yet they decide to risk that stability by cheating.

 

It defies explanation. You both decided that you would not leave your marriages because your kids mean everything and you want them to have a stable home life... and yet, you both proceed to engage in behaviour that would be catastrophically devastating to your families - should you be discovered.

 

His kids overheard the discussion when his wife discovered the affair. OMG!

 

How does one ever recover from that? His children will always know that their father cheated on their mother. They will never forget that he lied to their mother and they will feel personally betrayed by him because, he hurt their mother but also because he lied to his children. They don’t know it, but he lied even when confronted with the truth when he told his wife that you had never met and it was only an online relationship.

 

My best friend’s mother cheated on her father - it destroyed her parent’s marriage, it changed who she is, and it affected her adult relationships. And yet, you say the younger two are “accepting of the situation.” Perhaps, they just don’t have the same understanding of the gravity of this betrayal like the older children.

 

If you feel anything for this man, you will let him try to salvage what he can of his family. He needs to rebuild relationships - perhaps, with his wife (if she decides to take him back). More importantly, he needs to rebuild his relationship with his children.

 

And you, need to prepare your family for the truth. Lest you find yourself in the same situation...good luck.

Edited February 26, 2019 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

So how exactly were you providing this stable family life when you were spending hours and hours each day in contact with MM?

 

 

Have a truly honest reflection and think about how many moments you missed out on with your family, your kids. You may have been there in body but how much of your time and thoughts was either spent texting MM or thinking/waiting about his reply. I bet your kids noticed the disconnect!

 

 

I wouldn't believe that desperate to get back for the kids line either, this man is working so hard to get his wife back period!

 

 

 

Tell your husband, he deserves to know the truth from you before the wife tells him.

[David33]

You both have caused a lifetime of mistrust and pain for each of your families whether you realize it or not. If you two were meant to be together that will happen in time. Until then, clean up the damage you have caused as soon as you can and let the healing start. GL

[mark clemson]

The below is just my opinion:

 

I'm no lawyer, but I understand that depending on which state you live in infidelity can be an issue during a D, working against the spouse that committed it. In some states I understand it's possible for the BS to sue the AP as well. You might want to get a free consultation from a lawyer in your state before owning up to anything. (Many family attorneys will do a 1/2 hour initial consultation for free.)

 

That said, if he does find out, by whatever means, would suggest from a human decency perspective that you be fully honest with him. "Trickle-truthing" just compounds the pain for the BS from what I understand. So, suggest telling him everything if/when he finds out. No sense in adding to the resentment.

[standtall]

OP, His wife is a ticking time bomb....you must prepare for that. Additionally, if your husband finds out....which I would say is most likely rather than unlikely, it is best for you to be out of the affair if you even want to have a remote chance of staying married to him. Your AP has chose his wife and family over you, which means you should get over it.

[BaileyB]

Your AP has chose his wife and family over you, which means you should get over it.

 

Your AP chose his wife and family over you, which means you should do the same...

 

You need to get out in front of this, if you want to keep your family together.

[Turning point]

I doubt you were ever truly in love with the MM - you were in love with whatever part of yourself you had lost touch with prior to putting all your energy and attention in that direction.

 

Figure out what part that is (get some individual counseling) and when the answer finally reveals itself getting over the MM will happen like a flame to paper. If you're lucky you'll figure that out before your husband has his own D-day.

 

Most people in your situation however, never do the hard work to achieve this. They double down on the "love" idea and self destruct.

 

I hope you're the exception. Good luck.