Got back together with ex, found out she had a lover during break

[Erik0011]

Me 40, female 30.

 

Dated this girl 4 years ago, and was in love. However she was not ready for a relationship at the time, mainly due to a recent death in her family.

 

She looked me up months later, and we bumped into each other over the years. She confessed deep love, how she thinks of me daily, and always loved me.

 

I was with someone else, so it couldn't go any further.

 

After my last relationship ended, I looked her up. Problem was that she was then "sort of in a relationship". More or less she was dating a man who got her pregnant, but did not want the child. He paid her to have an abortion. And she then hated this man and clung to me.

 

We were together for about 7 months. And to be honest I slowly drifted away. We went from seeing each other daily, to me wanting once or twice a week. I lost interest but could not figure out why. I think she was insecure and suffocating. Sort of "she finally got me", but she was extremely needy. And when I asked for a day alone, it really bothered her. She kind of claimed she had an abortion because I was finally single and she could be with me.

 

Neither of us really "broke up" but I stopped texting her , and she would reach out once a month to bring me a gift. Or bring my son a gift. Or see her on a holiday etc. we were not sexual. And she did many great things for me while we dated. And continued to after.

 

Since I finally had time to think, I realized how important she is too me. I jumped into a relationship with her too quickly before. (I just broke up with someone. She had an abortion) I asked to see her and for another try. (About 3 months past since we were intimate)

 

She is instantly interested, but tells me things are not so simple. She has been seeing someone. I wasn't happy, but she agreed to see me. We had sex. She once again confessed love etc. but was skeptical as she feels I didn't want her before, and felt I was using her.

 

She then told me she had not seen the other guy in weeks, and chooses me.

 

I asked who the guy was. She said it was the same man who got her pregnant! And that he has a gf, but would just come over to see her to have sex after I stopped seeing her. She said she reached out to him because I devesated her when I did not want her.

 

She tells me this after I have been seeing her for 3 weeks daily. She said she never formally ended it with him, but had not seen him since a month ago. She then wrote him an email saying "what we have been doing is wrong. I am in a relationship, please respect my boundaries and there will be no more visits, calls, or emails"

 

So on my end I can't figure out why she was having just sex with the same guy who even has a gf. And apparently she dumped him again the minute I texted.

 

I know I didn't treat her right, but I am having a tough time with the fact that she was sleeping with the same man again, even if he has a gf, and even though he coerced her to have an abortion. And never mentioned this within the last 3 months, while she was continuously reaching out to be to buy me and my son gifts.

Edited February 25, 2019 by Erik0011

[preraph]

She was having sex and getting attention. That's what people do when they're not seeing anyone else. You were broke up.

 

What bothers me is she had unprotected sex. That is SO irresponsible that it would make me not want to be with someone. It's just stupid.

[Orokotikki]

Dude, run!

[littleblackheart]

Apparently, you're each other's glorified Plan B...

 

Drama Central - perhaps too much, no?

[Erik0011]

Apparently, you're each other's glorified Plan B...

 

Drama Central - perhaps too much, no?

 

Interesting view. And that actually makes sense now.

 

She is always saying "she chose me", but on the other hand she couldn't really be with this other guy. And he was never mentioned one time during our relationship. And still , to this day, she can't explain at all about why she was seeing him again.

 

The answer is just sort of "I don't know why". And what turned me off during the relationship was a lack of "real" relationship talk, but someone just super clingy.

 

It was as if she never listened to a word I said about why things were not working. She just needed to held and cuddled 24/7.

[Erik0011]

Would you address these concerns with her? About how I view our past relationship? Would that push someone away? Or carry on without addressing it?

[The Dude Abides]

Would you address these concerns with her? About how I view our past relationship? Would that push someone away? Or carry on without addressing it?

 

Erik,

 

I would do neither of the above ..... as has been already stated, this thing (whatever it is) that the two of you share is bad news. Surely you can meet another woman who is not bogged down with drama and unencumbered with so much baggage?

[bathtub-row]

Susan Smith put her 3 children in a car, ran it off into the water, and drowned them. She did it because she wanted a certain guy to date her.

 

Anybody who says they made a major decision against the life of another because of their affection for a lover is subject to intense scrutiny. While I’m not opposed to abortion for others, her rationale was extremely flawed. Her telling you about it tells you just how off her judgment is. Either she thought you’d be impressed or feel guilty. Either of those options is concerning on its own level.

 

I think this girl is low-glass, extremely immature and rests way too much on her emotions. What would happen if you married her and a few years later she fell for someone else? Let’s hope the guys likes kids or you don’t have any with her.

Edited February 26, 2019 by bathtub-row

[Erik0011]

Yes. It was odd. She never really told me any details of her prior relationship during or after the break up.

 

Then with me I feel it was just 24/7 affection she needed. But something was missing. It wasn't a relationship with any plan really. I didn't meet her family but they knew of me. I never even met her sister whom she lives with.

 

And the odd part is when she was with the other guy, for a tots of 3 months, she was texting me daily. I didn't even know she was with the guy. But now I just found out he was close to her mom, sister etc.

 

So it seems with me I would never know if she is talking to others. backup plans . Flirting etc.

Edited February 26, 2019 by Erik0011

[bathtub-row]

She seems to see nothing wrong with interfering in existing relationships, sneaking behind the back of her current partner, and seems to have few boundaries, if any. It would not surprise me in the least if you said that she uses drugs or takes them on regular basis. Perhaps she’s ADD, bi-polar, or something along those lines.

[Erik0011]

She seems to see nothing wrong with interfering in existing relationships, sneaking behind the back of her current partner, and seems to have few boundaries, if any. It would not surprise me in the least if you said that she uses drugs or takes them on regular basis. Perhaps she’s ADD, bi-polar, or something along those lines.

 

And then she told me she emailed him she wants to cease contact, but then blocked his email immediately.

 

That's also seems odd. She showed me the sent email, but seems odd to not be curious at all about the others response?

 

Her excuses for the above actions are that she loved me for 4 years and would always drop anyone for me. But now I have a hard time believing that since she started with him when her and I cooled off and never told me until I really had to pry it out of her.

[bathtub-row]

I think her seeing another guy while the two of you were broken up is the least of the problems where she’s concerned. But since you’re fixated on that, then I guess the other stuff doesn’t matter. I don’t see that it’s that big of a deal except that he’s already in a relationship and she doesn’t seem to be concerned about that. He’s familiar to her, it’s an easy relationship to slip right back into.

 

From what I’ve seen, blocking an email address doesn’t mean she can’t see his response. It just goes into spam. She can check it at any time.

[mark clemson]

I think the other guy was Plan B and she was genuinely hooked on you, but couldn't have you. Sometimes that actually drives the emotions up. So when she finally had you she needed you 24/7 because you were a sort of addiction to her. I could certainly be wrong about this...

 

In the end it doesn't matter. Think about what you really want. Try to honestly assess her suitability for you (there certainly seem to be some gaps as others have been pointing out). Then make a decision about your next move.

 

Easier said than done, but you sound pretty mature.

Edited February 27, 2019 by mark clemson

[Erik0011]

I think the hardest part of being with her is the fact that there is another man, 5 minutes away, who has no problem cheating on his gf at anytime the girl I am seeing would reach out to him. In the future my gf can get upset at anytime, and go see him. Or perhaps he will always drop in and message her somehow, which would possibly affect her mental state with me.

 

Having said that, I am overall a bit down about relationships all together. I have seen this happen to hundreds of men, women, friends, exes, etc. People of a certain age tend to always have an available back up to soften the blow.

 

I actually have known so many people that do this that I don't even know what is "normal" anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the hardest part of being with her is the fact that there is another man, 5 minutes away, who has no problem cheating on his gf at anytime the girl I am seeing would reach out to him. In the future my gf can get upset at anytime, and go see him. Or perhaps he will always drop in and message her somehow, which would possibly affect her mental state with me.

 

Then the real problem wouldn't be him - it would be and is her.

 

When you can't trust your partner not to run off to her former sex-buddy and not to immediately reject any contact he might make, you have zero foundation for a relationship.

 

This other man is no prize, but your girlfriend is right there on the lower rung with him. Why don't you raise your standards and find a woman who is mature and actually ready for a relationship? This one isn't, for many reasons.

[oldtruck]

And then she told me she emailed him she wants to cease contact, but then blocked his email immediately.

 

That's also seems odd. She showed me the sent email, but seems odd to not be curious at all about the others response?

 

Her excuses for the above actions are that she loved me for 4 years and would always drop anyone for me. But now I have a hard time believing that since she started with him when her and I cooled off and never told me until I really had to pry it out of her.

 

Odd?

 

She told him she wants NC.

She goes NC and blocks him.

 

And you wonder why she did not wait for her OM to answer

her before blocking him. It is called going NC. She wants NC.

She does not give a rats rear end what he thinks. Because

that is what going NC means.

[Sunlight72]

^^^^^^^^

 

This ^^^^

[marky00]

Odd?

 

She told him she wants NC.

She goes NC and blocks him.

 

And you wonder why she did not wait for her OM to answer

her before blocking him. It is called going NC. She wants NC.

She does not give a rats rear end what he thinks. Because

that is what going NC means.

 

lol. Been months since I posted here but this really made me chuckle

 

Totally makes sense but then again, you don't always have to block. In my case, my Ex sent me crumbs for 3 years and they still haven't stopped. I never responded. I had my reasons for not blocking but it doesn't really matter. Both ways work. Just depends on the situation and people involved.