former OW

[SmittenKitten1]

I'm seeking opinions on this, as it's hard to be objective when your hearts involved. My coworker was in a committed long term relationship with his girlfriend, they were in the process of moving long distance for her job, and he was going to telecommute for our company. About a month before he left, we started to flirt heavily, and spend a lot of time together. Around the time that we became intimate, he told me that his girlfriend had hurt him, but didn't say how. We had a three week physical affair before he moved.

 

Once he moved, we continued for five months, long distance. He repeatedly and daily showed me and told me how much he loved me and missed me, even though he was with his girlfriend. I was also in love with him, and showed it in many ways. About a few months into it, GF found out, and they ended up fighting a lot, but he still kept up the relationship with me.

 

Long story short, I found out that she had cheated on him, which was how she had hurt him. Once they decided that they wanted to stay together, and try to make it work, he told me that he would always have a special place in his heart for me, and that he loved me. A few weeks later, he sent an email to me expressing that he had used me to deal with his pain from her cheating, and that he had always loved her, and she was his dream come true. I'm wondering if he loved me at all, or if it was a revenge type affair, and he really did just use me.

[mark clemson]

Sorry to be equivocal, but IMO:

 

 

It's quite possible he's telling the truth and it was only a revenge affair, BUT

 

It's quite possible that she asked him to write that and send it to you to "close the door on you" fully, as part of their reconciliation. He may even have come up with the idea, even if he doesn't feel that way. Either way, she was probably with him watching as he sent it.

 

So, sad truth is you can't be sure about his true feelings.

 

 

Either way your best and only option is heal emotionally and move on. Knowing that you can't go back to him ever should make it easier in the long term (but maybe not in the short term).

 

Also be wary for the future: if he comes back to the area and attempts to contact you, it may be very triggering for you in a bad way.

[SmittenKitten1]

Thank you for the reply. My feeling is that she either made him do it, or like you said, was there when he did. It doesn't make sense to me that he would go out of his way to pretend to love me for six months, and suddenly determine that he was just using me. He had ample time to end it with me if he was using me, but he always kept up with the affair.

 

He did come back to the area, while we were still having the long distance affair. Nothing physical happened, as GF was also going to be in the area, and I assumed that she was watching him like a hawk. We expressed wanting each other, but it never happened again. He left one day, and we didn't get to say good bye in person.

 

They were together for a long time, and I do believe that she really did hurt him with her cheating, but I also believe that he really did love me. He was over the top expressive to me, loving, kind, warm and gentle. It didn't seem like an act.

[DKT3]

I will tell you how I felt. When I found out my wife cheated my very first reaction was to do the same. It felt unfair, I had been faithful even though I had a lot of opportunities to not be.

 

I then started talking to a woman I knew my wife was not fond of, she was willing to do whatever and I started down that road.

 

I could have easily gone the same route as this guy did with you. My motivation was to gain back something lost, I was willing to use this woman to do so because I knew she was interested, not because I care for her or even liked her.

 

I ultimately chose not to engage her past a few conversations, but it could have gotten out of hand.

 

If I were betting on it, I would bet it's a combination of both. I don't think he cared as deeply for you as he led you to believe, but I dont think he cold bloodily used you like a chess piece.

[SmittenKitten1]

Full disclosure, I'm married with children, and don't have the feelings that I have towards my husband that I have towards my coworker. I never really did have those feelings. His GF was very nasty, saying that he didn't love me, he wouldn't respect and love somebody who was committing adultery, especially with children in the picture. I feel that she was just bitter because he fell in love with somebody else, and she couldn't handle it. If they're so great together, and back together, why is she still bitter? She must know that we were in love, and she can't wrap her mind around it. Maybe she thinks that he still loves me, and she can't move on.

 

I know that I need to focus on my family, and I can accept that. I'll never jeopardize my kids again, but it does bother me to have conflicting feelings and emotions. I don't know what the reality is.

[whichwayisup]

Do you want a better marriage or do you want to date others and be free? Start by telling your husband the truth of your affair, maybe you'll finally figure what it is you both want and go from there. Staying for the sake of the kids and not having a good marriage isn't going to help your kids in the long run. It's better for your husband to hear the truth from you and not your exOM's girlfriend. She could very well contact your H and tell him you cheated on him with her boyfriend.

 

As for the other man, he seemed pretty up front and honest with you. He didn't seem to lie or minimize, he just loves his gf and even though they have issues and she's cheated on him, he chose to forgive her and work it out. You can be angry at her about hurting him and for being nasty but at the end of the day he is where he wants to be. With her.

 

I hope you can let go of him and move on. Whether that be reconnecting and fixing your marriage or divorcing. Having an A with someone else or at some point continuing an A with the OM isn't healthy for you.

 

edited to add you say you dont have strong feelings for your husband but you do for your OM. Have you always felt that way or just until the affair started?

[SmittenKitten1]

I thought I was happily married, and was happy, until the affair. I realized that I had feelings for the OM that I didn't have for my husband. I fell in love, and couldn't help myself. It seemed like the other man couldn't help himself around me, and I never meant to break up his relationship, things just happened.

[BTDT2012]

If they're so great together, and back together, why is she still bitter?

 

 

I hope she doesn't decide to inform your husband about the affair.

[Orokotikki]

I hope she doesn't decide to inform your husband about the affair.

 

And, as an advocate for other betrayed husbands, I hope she does.

[mark clemson]

I fell in love, and couldn't help myself. It seemed like the other man couldn't help himself around me, and I never meant to break up his relationship, things just happened.

 

 

Knowing that the door is fully closed should help, but your feelings for OM may last for several months - something to be aware of.

 

Perhaps the nasty email was in lieu of telling your husband. Perhaps, but who knows? You can hope for the best, but IMO you should definitely also plan for the worst; it may indeed happen.

 

Assuming you don't have a d-day, surrounding yourself with distractions should help a bit with the emotions. Think the planning should be your top priority, though.

[Amethyst68]

Why are you surprised the GF's bitter? Because she cheated first doesn't mean she doesn't feel betrayed herself, even though many people would argue she got what she deserves. If she thought they were truly reconciling and then blindsided she may give her WH a more lenient time considering their history but you were already going to be fair game! What did you think would happen if there was a DDay?

 

 

Honestly I think it probably was a revenge affair. Oh he may have caught a bit of feels but anyone who is so upset about their own partner cheating is unlikely to trust, and yes respect their AP to ever build a new life with, just my opinion of course.

 

 

I agree with the other posters, tell your husband, he deserves to hear it from you before the GF contacts him. Allow him the opportunity to make a fully informed decision about his own life. You've decided you don't want him after months of lies with a cheater then let him find someone who'll value him more than as second best or a back up plan!

[The Dude Abides]

Do you want a better marriage or do you want to date others and be free? Start by telling your husband the truth of your affair, maybe you'll finally figure what it is you both want and go from there. Staying for the sake of the kids and not having a good marriage isn't going to help your kids in the long run. It's better for your husband to hear the truth from you and not your exOM's girlfriend. She could very well contact your H and tell him you cheated on him with her boyfriend.

 

 

 

SmittenKitten, Good commentary above ^^^^

 

Your husband deserves the truth. He is the only one who gets the shaft here. Your OM got some hot extra sex, he gets his GF back, his GF gets him back, and you had your fling and can go back home to your husband and children. You can't really make much of a claim on emotional bonding with the BF: he was cheating on his GF and committing adultery with you. Nothing much on which to build a solid relationship with that.

[TooBad]

A few weeks later, he sent an email to me expressing that he had used me to deal with his pain from her cheating, and that he had always loved her, and she was his dream come true. I'm wondering if he loved me at all, or if it was a revenge type affair, and he really did just use me.

 

 

 

If I for whatever reason would want to 'let someone go', this is something I could do in an effort to make it 'easier' for her. So that she might hate me and forget about me.

 

 

You can wonder all you want, but you will never know. And let's face it, does it really matter in the end?

[lolita888]

I think it started out as a revenge affair but he eventually developed some feelings for you although it will be hard to tell on how strong that feeling is.

 

 

They are not married yet... so wouldn't it be easier (and a better revenge) for him to just break up with her and start a proper relationship with you, instead of keeping you to his side while trying to fix his relationship with her? But then it seems that he decided to fix their relationship... meaning he still love her more than you.

 

I think he may have developed some affection for you but in the end... he still love his GF more. There is a chance that his GF typed it herself (Without his knowledge in order to hurt you) or she asked him to type it and send it to you - either way that still doesn't change the fact that he would rather stay with her...despite everything that happened.

Edited February 26, 2019 by lolita888

[whichwayisup]

They are not married yet... so wouldn't it be easier (and a better revenge) for him to just break up with her and start a proper relationship with you,

 

She is married with kids, so she'd have to divorce her own husband before starting a proper relationship with him. Just FYI, this info wasn't disclosed in opening post.

[SmittenKitten1]

Thank you for the great responses, and insight. I do believe that if I wasn't married, and we were more compatible in the day to day things, he would have wanted to be with me, and not her. I think that when it became obvious that we weren't going to be able to have a normal relationship, he started to think about giving her a second chance. She's more attractive than me, and somewhat more accomplished, so I can see the attraction, but I was the one who understood him, and in his words, better than anybody ever had. I wasn't going to get divorced, and he never asked me to, but it was an unspoken reality of our situation.

 

Is it possible that he went back to her as a backup? Only he knows for sure, but that could explain her bitterness, and need to lash out. I don't think that she will tell my husband, it's not her style, but I intend to try and make my husband feel like the luckiest man in the world. I'll always have to carry a lie, which is going to be my punishment for having an affair.

[Orokotikki]

I'll always have to carry a lie, which is going to be my punishment for having an affair.

 

Which conveniently avoids truly taking responsibility for it.

[BTDT2012]

 

 

 

Is it possible that he went back to her as a backup? Only he knows for sure, but that could explain her bitterness, and need to lash out. I don't think that she will tell my husband, it's not her style, but I intend to try and make my husband feel like the luckiest man in the world. I'll always have to carry a lie, which is going to be my punishment for having an affair.

 

 

She was never a backup; she was the first choice. Despite his claim that she cheated, he chose to move with her, and end things with you. And don't be so sure that you know her style.

 

 

His GF was very nasty, saying that he didn't love me, he wouldn't respect and love somebody who was committing adultery, especially with children in the picture.

More importantly, he wouldn't trust you. Edited February 26, 2019 by BTDT2012
correct quotes

[Bittersweetie]

Full disclosure, I'm married with children, and don't have the feelings that I have towards my husband that I have towards my coworker. I never really did have those feelings.

 

My opinion, as someone who has BTDT. I projected everything I needed and wanted at that time onto my xMM. Thus, in my head, I made xMM the perfect man for me. Anything negative I analyzed, then manipulated in order to stick to the narrative that I'd created in my head.

 

So, my xMM was perfect for me, and my H couldn't compete. How could my H compete with mental perfection? Especially when H didn't even know there was a competition?

 

I know you want to understand and get answers but here's the thing: instead of focusing your mental energy on HIM, focus it on YOURSELF. Why did you think what you did was okay? Why did you disrespect your marriage, your husband, yourself? Why did you decide to throw away your personal integrity?

 

These are not easy questions to answer, but unless you want to make the same choice again, please take the time and effort to understand why you made the choices you did.

 

I thought I was happily married, and was happy, until the affair. I realized that I had feelings for the OM that I didn't have for my husband. I fell in love, and couldn't help myself. It seemed like the other man couldn't help himself around me, and I never meant to break up his relationship, things just happened.

 

Again: this didn't "just happen." YOU had control over your thoughts and actions. So maybe you were attracted to your coworker, it happens. Then why did you think it was okay to act on it? Why did you think it was okay to not only jeopardize your family but your career as well?

 

I'll always have to carry a lie, which is going to be my punishment for having an affair.

 

I don't think punishment is the right word. Affairs have consequences and you will have to deal with them, whatever they may be.

 

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. You are at a pivot point in your life. You have the power, right now, to decide who you want to be moving forward. Do you want to forever be a liar? Or do you want to live honestly and authentically? If the latter, then you really need to start looking at yourself and letting go of your xAP and why he did what he did. He is not your problem...you have bigger things to worry about, like your future and your family's future.

 

Good luck.

[pepperbird]

I'll always have to carry a lie, which is going to be my punishment for having an affair.

 

 

In the end, the ones who will end up being punished is your husband and child(ren). WS always think they can hide affairs, but so often what happens is they begin to resent their bs, and he or she suffers in many small ways.

 

Whatever else you do or don't do, I would highly recommend you speak to a friend you really trust or a counselor about all of this. they may be able to give you a fresh perspective.

[lolita888]

She is married with kids, so she'd have to divorce her own husband before starting a proper relationship with him. Just FYI, this info wasn't disclosed in opening post.

I don't know about others but for me... IMO. If he truly love the OP and wanted a revenge or couldn't forget his partner's infidelity then he would've just break up with his gf instead of trying to fix their relationship.

 

 

He already knew he can fall for someone else. His GF cheated. He wanted revenge. What's the reason for him to stay with her? - He still loves her more, despite everything that's happened, he still couldn't lose her. He would rather hurt OP's feelings (if he knew of that message that the OP received) than to lose her.

[assertives]

She isn't the backup. She is his first choice. She was his first choice in the begining, when he told you he's (still) taken even though he found out and is hurt she cheated and she is his first choice after and in spite of her cheating on him.

 

As for her being bitter and lashes out at you, perhaps it's because she is unable to be fully angry at him because she knows she was at fault too and not because she thinks he loves you.

 

I think you are projecting your feelings on this guy.

 

As for your husband, I'm not sure how you would be able to make him the luckiest man in the world when his wife is treating him nice out of guilt and is continuing to live a lie. The girlfriend is a ticking time bomb. You should come clean with your husband, better he learns it from you than someone else.

[SmittenKitten1]

Again, thank you for the well thought out and insightful replies. I'm just having a hard tie wrapping my head around the idea that somebody could have been able to fake being in love for almost six months. He was very expressive about his feelings for me, even though most of the affair was long distance. He told me how much he loved me, and he told me that nobody, including his girlfriend, had ever understood him the way that I do. To be told that this was a revenge affair, doesn't make sense.

 

If GF does tell my husband, I will lie about it. She doesn't have any hard proof, and my husband is the type of guy who won't believe anything unless there is some hard evidence. He already suspected something, but I was able to convince him that my coworker was using me as a crutch, and tried to get too close to me. It won't solve anything for him to know the truth.

[PhoenixRising8]

Again, thank you for the well thought out and insightful replies. I'm just having a hard tie wrapping my head around the idea that somebody could have been able to fake being in love for almost six months. He was very expressive about his feelings for me, even though most of the affair was long distance. He told me how much he loved me, and he told me that nobody, including his girlfriend, had ever understood him the way that I do. To be told that this was a revenge affair, doesn't make sense.

 

If GF does tell my husband, I will lie about it. She doesn't have any hard proof, and my husband is the type of guy who won't believe anything unless there is some hard evidence. He already suspected something, but I was able to convince him that my coworker was using me as a crutch, and tried to get too close to me. It won't solve anything for him to know the truth.

 

Classic MM. My MM told me for almost a year that he's never been more himself than with me, no one he ever felt closer to or been more open and communicative with. I meant the world to him, completed him, loved me like no one else ever. He even told his wife and kids he wanted a divorce. Guess where he is now? At home with the wife and kids and our "relationship" is over. So yeah, they can fake it. And if they do have feelings for us, they have to be stronger than the discomfort with their spouses or SOs. Otherwise they stay because it's the known, tried and true vs taking a leap of faith for the unknown.

 

As for the GF, don't be so sure she wouldn't be believed. Why would some random unknown person from miles away call and say something like that unless there were some truth. Just think you shouldn't dismiss the possibility out of hand.

[Amethyst68]

The GF found out somehow, who knows what kind of proof she has saved, ready to send to your BH?

 

 

"It wouldn't solve anything for him to know the truth" - extremely arrogant, how about giving him a choice in his own life? It might solve something for him!

 

 

 

The ease with which you describe lying to your husband, without a second thought or a tinge of remorse or regret is probably one of the reasons he left. Why would he choose someone who can do this so easily? Yes his GF cheated but you don't know the details or the inside of their relationship. If he were to leave I doubt it would be to come to you, I'm sure he would look for a new faithful partner.