assertives Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 A marriage involves both parties, and not just you alone. Your husband has the right to know and he has the right to decide if he wants to continue in the marriage or not, now that the circumstances have changed with your infidelity. It is really selfish to not consider your husband's feelings and needs. Also, if your husband has already suspected an affair, chances of him believing the gf when she comes spilling the beans is higher than not. Don't be too sure that all it takes is another lie to resolve things. One lie just leads to another. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Again, thank you for the well thought out and insightful replies. I'm just having a hard tie wrapping my head around the idea that somebody could have been able to fake being in love for almost six months. He was very expressive about his feelings for me, even though most of the affair was long distance. He told me how much he loved me, and he told me that nobody, including his girlfriend, had ever understood him the way that I do. To be told that this was a revenge affair, doesn't make sense. If GF does tell my husband, I will lie about it. She doesn't have any hard proof, and my husband is the type of guy who won't believe anything unless there is some hard evidence. He already suspected something, but I was able to convince him that my coworker was using me as a crutch, and tried to get too close to me. It won't solve anything for him to know the truth. There is a world of difference between being in love and truly loving another person. Being in love is a state of infatuation. It's full of fantasy and lust and feel good chemicals. It happens very early on in relationships and it's a phase. Some people are addicted to the feeling of being in love but since those feelings aren't sustainable over a long period they need to change partners frequently in order to continually feel the rush of being in love. People who are in love usually say things like he/she makes me feel better then I've ever felt. He/she makes me feel good about myself. He/she is amazing in bed and gives me the best orgasms. When a person is in love it's all about feeling good in the moment. Being in love is a shallow version of love and it's very fickle. Actually loving another person is deeper and actually requires a lot more of us than just feeling good. It's when we truly know someone and all of their flaws and qualities and we choose to accept all of them. It takes patience and compromise and sometimes even sacrifices to love another person. When we truly love another person it's because we see that person for who they really are and we still want to be with them. We might love someone because they are kind, smart, hardworking, funny, adventurous, patient, strong, gentle, etc. In other words we love that person for their actual qualities not because they make us feel so good in the moment. The feelings of being in love comes and goes in longterm relationships. It's fun when those feelings are there but it's the deeper more honest love that holds people together when things suck. So he very well may have been telling the truth when he said he was in love with you. You made him feel good after he had been hurt. You made him feel desired and wanted after his selfworth took a hit by his gf cheating. You made him feel good and he called that love but really any woman who came along at that time would have filled the bill. It wasn't really about you, it was about him and feeling good. It's not really love and now that you have been out of the picture for awhile he likely realizes this too. In that sense he was telling the truth when he said he was in love (aka feeling good) and talling the truth now when he says it wasn't love. So you have cheated on your husband and if he even gets a whiff of the truth you plan to cover up your lies by telling more lies. Wow, you're off to a great start at making your husband a lucky man. He sure won the prize! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Anika’s post above is right on the money. It really resonated with me as I too am a very recent OW. I was/am in love with the feeling I got being with the MM. reading that post, I thought about what I loved about him as a person. Now that I have known him for a year and have been witness to what he is capable of, I can honestly say I do not love his ability to lie, his selfishness, his cheating, his conflict avoidance, his manipulative nature, his thoughtlessness of other people’s feelings. I could go on but you get my point. Even on our last day, I loved how he made me feel but it was tainted by my dislike of his characteristics as a person. This has been such a learning experience. It’s easy to conflate love with being in love and love with attachment. But there is a difference and one each can exist independently the other. Lots of wisdom on these boards. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 xMM repeatedly told me he loved me, that I was his best friend, that I was special and different from anyone he had ever known. For three years, and the first two of those we spent several nights a week together and frequently entire weekends (his BW moved back in with him during the last year). At times I could really FEEL that he loved me, see it in his eyes. Then he found ANOTHER OW and ghosted me. We all want to believe we are different, that our situations are different. 99.9% of the time the results are the same, regardless of the specific relationship facts. To believe otherwise, especially given exposure to all the stories here on LS, is a sad waste of time and emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 (edited) Again, thank you for the well thought out and insightful replies. I'm just having a hard tie wrapping my head around the idea that somebody could have been able to fake being in love for almost six months. He was very expressive about his feelings for me, even though most of the affair was long distance. He told me how much he loved me, and he told me that nobody, including his girlfriend, had ever understood him the way that I do. To be told that this was a revenge affair, doesn't make sense. If GF does tell my husband, I will lie about it. She doesn't have any hard proof, and my husband is the type of guy who won't believe anything unless there is some hard evidence. He already suspected something, but I was able to convince him that my coworker was using me as a crutch, and tried to get too close to me. It won't solve anything for him to know the truth. Why wouldn't it solve anything for him to know? Common theme here, in this section. Only care about how things impact themselves. It will solve alot for him, he already suspected you, you haven't sold him on anything because he still most likely suspects you. Being in affairs have a direct impact on the rational brain and people start to believe the most incredibly foolish stuff. The benefits of your husband knowing is it will allow him the opportunity to do what's best for him, and not be used as a backup plan, or go back into the marriage knowing exactly who he is married too Edited February 28, 2019 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Of course it was a revenge affair. If he truly loved you OP there was nothing at all stopping him from leaving his cheating gf and making plans for you two to be together. Instead he went back to his cheating gf. It's quite obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I'm just having a hard tie wrapping my head around the idea that somebody could have been able to fake being in love for almost six months. People do this all the time. He probably wanted to feel in love with someone else to get over the hurt his gf caused him. I myself have faked love when I was hurt by someone else. Sooner or later your true feelings start to emerge. Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Again, thank you for the well thought out and insightful replies. I'm just having a hard tie wrapping my head around the idea that somebody could have been able to fake being in love for almost six months. He was very expressive about his feelings for me, even though most of the affair was long distance. He told me how much he loved me, and he told me that nobody, including his girlfriend, had ever understood him the way that I do. To be told that this was a revenge affair, doesn't make sense. My ex-unknown MM made me feel loved for 4 years. He never forget to tell me "I love you" in the morning and at night before he sleep. He shared his life with me. Says "I love you" many times a day. Tried his best to make me feel love, especially whenever I am upset. Told me he was divorced and haven't had sex with anyone for years. And made me really feel especial and loved. I really felt his love. I really felt it was real. For 4 years I felt especial. But turned out it wasn't. It was all a lie. Yeah it's scary how they can pretend and look like they are really in love and make those lies. But at the end of the day, you will know how much they really love you - with the choice that they will make. Although there seems to be MM guys who truly loved their OW but couldn't divorce their wife due to many reasons. But this guy... he wasn't married. They weren't married. It wouldn't be hard for him to leave her if he truly don't love her anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmittenKitten1 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 I think that there's a reality of the situation that i was not going to leave my husband, which is why I think he was stringing his GF along. They're very compatible in some ways, but I was the one he connected to and talked to. The terrible things he used to say about her, hours on end, I can't imagine that he really loved her. I think he was caught up in her looks, accomplishments, and the 'glory' of her. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 I think that there's a reality of the situation that i was not going to leave my husband, which is why I think he was stringing his GF along. They're very compatible in some ways, but I was the one he connected to and talked to. The terrible things he used to say about her, hours on end, I can't imagine that he really loved her. I think he was caught up in her looks, accomplishments, and the 'glory' of her. None of this matters. In the end he chose her. He relocated for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Why don't you tell your husband about the affair and file for a divorce? Apparently, you love your AP and not your husband. You have treated your marriage with a lack of respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 I think that there's a reality of the situation that i was not going to leave my husband, which is why I think he was stringing his GF along. They're very compatible in some ways, but I was the one he connected to and talked to. The terrible things he used to say about her, hours on end, I can't imagine that he really loved her. I think he was caught up in her looks, accomplishments, and the 'glory' of her. No he was caught up in the hurt she caused him. When a person is over someone they are indifferent. He may have talked to you for hours because he needed someone to talk about her to. His heart was always with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Why are you so caught up in this. The affair is over, he chose the GF, he even relocated his whole life to be with her. You don't do something like that without being committed to your partner, especially if you're not bound by marriage, even more so when that partner has cheated. You have to accept you simply didn't mean as much to him as you thought you did. Is it guilt, if it was 'true love' then you don't have to feel as bad for betraying your husband and marriage? Although the sheer ease you talk about lying to your BH makes me doubt it, as there is no indication of feeling any kind of regret. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 He wasn't stringing his girlfriend along. He forgave her, uprooted and moved for her even though he could have just walked away as he isn't even bound by marriage. Regardless whether you were married or not, he still could have left her and find someone else, but he didn't. In any case, none of this matters. Whatever he says about her to you does not matter because at the end of the day, he chose her and moved on. You should stop being hung up on him and move on too. How are you intending to make your husband feel like the luckiest man on earth if you cannot even spare a thought for him and your family and is still obsessing over your xAP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 For some reason I think she sent that email to you. To hurt you. In my experience men aren't normally this petty and mean with things like that. It seems like going out of his way unnecessarily. That email is much more the style of a woman and he may not even know it was sent. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 I think he sent the email but his wife probably had a hand in exactly what it said. I remember reading on some marriage forum years ago and this type of no contact message was often encouraged for reconciling after an affair. The idea being that the door to the affair needs to be closed and nailed shut for good. It's to ensure that the AP is still not holding onto hope, not just waiting to restart the affair, not still fantasizing that they are more special or more loved than the spouse. It's not usually the cheaters idea to send this message but if they want to stay married they will send it. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 Thank you for the reply. My feeling is that she either made him do it, or like you said, was there when he did. It doesn't make sense to me that he would go out of his way to pretend to love me for six months, and suddenly determine that he was just using me. He had ample time to end it with me if he was using me, but he always kept up with the affair. I will tell you how I felt. When I found out my wife cheated my very first reaction was to do the same. It felt unfair, I had been faithful even though I had a lot of opportunities to not be. I then started talking to a woman I knew my wife was not fond of, she was willing to do whatever and I started down that road. I could have easily gone the same route as this guy did with you. My motivation was to gain back something lost, I was willing to use this woman to do so because I knew she was interested, not because I care for her or even liked her. I ultimately chose not to engage her past a few conversations, but it could have gotten out of hand. If I were betting on it, I would bet it's a combination of both. I don't think he cared as deeply for you as he led you to believe, but I dont think he cold bloodily used you like a chess piece. Yes he needed to have an RA. AP's will say anything to get sex. And they moved because it is most likely they want NC now to recover to recover THEIR relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmittenKitten1 Posted March 3, 2019 Author Share Posted March 3, 2019 I think that some affairs happen because people may settle for one thing, then realize that there another whole side of themselves that they didn't take into account. For example, maybe he saw certain things about his GF, like her physical attributes, and her accomplishments, but when he was with me he saw an understanding, loving, accepting person, and he fell in love with that. I'm also not ugly either, so I'm not saying there was nothing physically attractive about me. The reality is, I'm not able to get a divorce now, too messy for the kids, so it's possible that he decided to go back to GF. Why lose her if he can't have me? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 When someone shows and or tells you who they are you should believe them. Your last comment is very unhealthy in any relationship, what you're doing is creating a person who doesn't exist and not understanding the dynamic of his relationship with her but filling in the blanks. He isn't going back with her because he cant have you, their issues have nothing to do with you. He is going back because he loves her and wants to make it work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 Well no one person can possess every desirable quality under the sun. Of course you may have some qualities that his gf doesn't have, and she possesses qualities that you don't have. We all have seen qualities in other people that we may wish our significant other also had but we also recognize that our significant other has their own qualities that we also desire so we take the good with the bad. People get into affairs when they are selfish and entitled and believe that they deserve to have their every need met by someone else. I like Jane because she's gorgeous, great in bed, makes me laugh and helps me pay the bills, but julie is a great cook, and she's easy to talk too so I'll have her too! It's just plain selfishness. When we are mature and have integrity we accept that one person cannot meet our every wish and desire and that there will always be other people who have qualities that we admire but those qualities don't make them better than our significant other, it just makes them different. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 This is going to sound harsh but this guy is now a cheater like his GF, he also made a choice between 2 women who have also proven themselves to be cheaters and liars. Who when faced with this choice would he choose a woman who is making no moves to live an honest life and has so much baggage over the GF had shown she is trying to make things better with him? As already said several times this man chose to uproot his whole life and move with his GF, he would not do so if he didn't love her and was committed to her. You seem caught up in not being second best to his GF but you have to accept he made his choice and made it willingly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 The reality is, I'm not able to get a divorce now, too messy for the kids, so it's possible that he decided to go back to GF. Why lose her if he can't have me? You have chosen to stay married. He never had you, and he knows what you are capable of. He chose her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 The reality is, I'm not able to get a divorce now, too messy for the kids, so it's possible that he decided to go back to GF. Why lose her if he can't have me? Too much ego here for your own good. He cheated on his gf with you, he chanced his luck, but when it came down to the wire he dumped you and chose her. Stop writing a love story over this affair and start moving on. God knows where your head has been at. Try to get back on track with your marriage - your kids need you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) I agree with Elaine here. You said it yourself; reasons why you cannot leave - you are married, have kids and all. But he is not. He is not bound by marriage. If he truly loved you that much or at least more than her, then he could've just leave her and continue with his relationship with you or break up with her and continue his relationship with you while waiting for the right girl for him. She is not the only woman in the world. They are not married. And yet he is willing to change everything just to be with her but he couldn't do the same thing for you? I would've understand your reasons if he is married; then him wanting to be with you, loving you more than her and happier than her but couldn't leave her because they are married with kids but they are not. You ENTERTAINED him. You helped him get even with her. He may be fond of you but his feelings for you isn't as strong as what you think and not even stronger than what he felt for her. You made him happy but that wasn't enough for him to leave her. He love her that much. Edited March 4, 2019 by lolita888 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 In my opinion, it started as a revenge affair and then he felt emotions for you. Unfortunately, it wasnt enough. Your heart lead the way in this situation. He never stopped loving her. Love is a powerful tool! Dont fight it because love conquers all. If it's not meant to be it wont happen. I have come to realize now that I have to work on self love first before I can give love. I am working on me now and healing from the inside out. Our families deserve the best version of us now after such harsh betrayal. I couldn't see this several months ago but I see it now. Good luck with your healing! Link to post Share on other sites
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