When to start looking again

[Secondplanet]

So i'm getting over (slowly) a horrible separation after 13 years of marriage. Its been 2 weeks since i found out my wife cheated on me and wanted to sell our house to help her new man out. But thats another story sorry for going off track.

 

But i'm coming to terms with what has happened, spent the first week crying nonstop with everything setting me off to now being ok with what happened but i don't want to be alone after she leaves me, She says its not a big deal but she gets to go from one relationship to another instantly while i have no one at the end of this.

 

So basically i'm not looking for romance right now but i do want to be around another and be friends. But i just don't know if there is some social stigma over me wanting to have someone to talk to as i'm not replacing my ex but do want some companionship.

 

sorry if this is all over the place but just don't know how to word this properly

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 weeks is WAY too soon. WAY. WAY. Especially since your reasoning is "I don't want to be alone after she leaves me."

 

There are so many threads on this site that prove this.

 

I'm so sorry for what is happening to you, but you need to know that jumping back into the dating pool and getting a rebound woman is not the answer.

 

Do you have a good friend circle you can rely on?

[preraph]

Well, the friend doesn't have to be a woman and all the complications that will come from that. Maybe if you don't have any friends to talk to, you should get into some therapy or maybe see if there's a support group for this. You should google meetup and divorce.

[FMW]

I completely agree with CautiouslyOptimistic. It's way too soon to look for someone new and you should spend time with existing friends to help you through this and to not feel so alone.

 

Getting involved with someone else so quickly would leave you vulnerable to getting hurt again from wanting/needing more than someone else can give you and/or will result in you hurting someone else that might fall for you when you have nothing emotionally to give right now.

[chillii]

God so sorry man.

Would you rather keep the house , could you buy her out ?

Kick her out and take your time with the rest , lots of time, and lots more , throw a spanner in her little plan.

And l'm sorry too you got the old oh it's no big deal line , never is according to the one doin the blowing up , so they try telling you anyway.

 

As far as meeting someone to talk to , 2wks , geez that's not very long you sure your even up to that ?

But if you do want to and there's no one in RL , l'd join a date site.

You can use them for friends too just talk about what your looking for. l saw a lot of that guys and girls on mine back when and met some became good friends with two both going through bad break ups too.

When my marriage broke up a year or two later l joined my first ever date site , for exactly that , just hoping to meet someone going through similar that might like some company.

Talked to a lot of women all going through that stuff , plus the two good friends l'd also made.

One in particular we usually spent a few nights a week for 5 or 6 mths, and some wkends, did a few things too or by her fire and getting drunk , talking our stuff out and helping each other through.

Anyway , hope things get batter for you, but they will, it just takes time, and more time.

 

 

ps , btw, chances usually are the plan and so thought new love blows up in their face down the track once the om or ow get what they want or turn out to be a nightmare themselves . Anddddd, it's often the BS that ends up with the new life by then.

Edited February 26, 2019 by chillii

[Secondplanet]

thanks for the amazing responses, On the friend front i turned out i didn't really have any, i have family but i know they are more bias then most and that is not something i want chirping in my ear.

 

I tried reaching out to several friends (who my ex protested in me telling) but they said the whole sorry thing but that was it really. Didn't go further then there.

 

But i'm not looking for dating but just a really good friend(s) but i often don't do to well in the male department as i don't care about sports/cars/playboy that kinda stuff, just isn't my thing but that is also because i was raised in a house of 3 generations of female with me and the cat the only males.

 

I just think i'm a little lost as to what i want and also trying to get people to guide my way for the first part of this voyage. Maybe even talk me out of it as i don't want to do the rebound thing cause it's a dick move to play with another emotions to fix my own.

 

But thanks again and looking forward to other points for people.

[The Dude Abides]

Hi OP

 

Man I am so sorry that you have to deal with this load of sh*t dumped on you by your wife. Here are a few observations from my time dealing with the split from my first wife (almost 30 years ago).

 

I was a mess, especially once it sunk in that she had been cheating and also once it sunk in that things were over. I did try to do the right thing and asked to work it out but she wasn't interested because (it became clear later) she had already lined up the next guy in her life. I did a couple things right and that helped immensely .

 

First, and by necessity, I was so busy I had virtually no time to wallow in self-pity. The ex left me with all the debt and a long list of problems to deal with and loose ends to tie up. I borrowed a sum of money that was huge (almost equal to my annual salary) and worked continuously , seven days a week, often times until late at night, so I could make the money to pay off the loan. I was exhausted most of the time and any time I felt like beating myself up for being so stupid....I fell asleep before I could start the self-critique LOL .

 

Second, I admitted to myself and to a few people close to me that I still loved her and that I was immensely hurt. For some reason, just coming right out and saying it seemed to make it more manageable. As if some deep dark secret wasn't secret anymore . Of course everyone could figure that out, but verbalizing it made a difference. I didn't get into a lot of the details, just the basic stuff. But that was enough.

 

Except for one time (that I recall), I steadfastly avoided her once she had given me the final nasty "NFW will we work things out !" speech. I accepted it and stayed away. Of course, no cell phones or email back then made it a bit easier to be NC.

 

Now, it wasn't easy and I don't want you to think I breezed through all of that experience. Far from it. But it did keep me from losing my mind for the first 6-8 months afterwards.

 

So, in your situation, I think you will find that if you get busy, busier than you've ever been, it will help to keep your mind elsewhere and focused on stuff that is better than despair and anguish. And second, find someone to talk to (I know that is already your stated goal, but not a woman who is likely to be a romantic interest at some time in the near future.

 

Best wishes to you.

Edited February 26, 2019 by The Dude Abides

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry your friends aren't there for you. Do rely on family. Consider a divorce support group. But don't make new friends for purposes of venting, although it's OK to try to deepen an acquaintance into a friend if that person is willing to listen.

[Gretchen12]

The lack of friends meant she was all you got all these years. That's very unhealthy. It's why you are so lost now. You probably hung on to the relationship longer than you should. Try to make a new start and this time do things differently. Don't let the woman be your only friend. It's too dependent and she will lose respect for you unless she's got issues of her own. You are now looking for a replacement to repeat the same thing. It's not that easy to do. Btw it's simply not true that all other men are sport loving insensitive babboons. Your inability to have male friends is an issue you should work on. Try a few sessions with a therapist.

[preraph]

I agree there are all types of men, but I also feel it's very hard the older you are to make new friends, so the best thing is to make new activities with human interaction that at least will keep you busy and distract you and then at least a possibility of meeting a friend. But I agree you can't expect anyone who isn't an old friend to listen about your problems. So I'm thinking a divorce support group or a therapist. Be prepared though, unless the support group has a moderator, it will likely be just everyone waiting to tell their own story and not listening that well, so it needs to be organized where everyone gets to vent.

[Secondplanet]

I tried looking in my area for divorce groups but there are none around me unless i somehow get a ride 1hr south to the closest ones, The only thing similar to that is some church marriage group but i don't want to hear how god can fix something. Don't do the whole man in the cloud thing to solve my problems.

 

But i do have physical limitations so during the winter months i can't go that far from home as the sidewalks aren't made for people like me and i need to go down 3 different streets to get to the nearest bus.

 

But yeah trying to find new friends is hard as most left me when my health failed and the rest after i got married.

[Gretchen12]

maybe for your situation, you can join an online support group. it's better than trying to date. people can become friends through correspondence. that might just give you enough contact and people to talk to.