My Life and Feelings

[Confusedguy12345]

Hey Guys,

 

Ive been struggling very hard with a few issues.

 

I met my now ex girlfriend exactly a year ago to this day, i was going through an extreme amount of depression and anxiety issues at work and at home.

 

We dated for a while 8 months and then i broke it off suddenly.

 

This was due to the fact there are vast cultural differences between us two and the fact that i felt i was too young to settle down (22 male then)

 

Im now 23 and have been out of the relationship with her for 5 months, i dated another girl for 3 months but could literally not get her out of my head every day at least twice a day (the ex), i broke it off promptly with ex #2 realising that it wouldnt make me feel better getting with someone else

 

I wondered how she was, what she was doing etc.

 

Me and my ex, we had an inseparable bond to the point where it felt cosmic, shes still my best friend, confident and all round a good influence on me.

 

She encouraged me to be the best i could be, i took a step back over the break we had a realised that i needed to help my self. Im now seeing a pysch and hes just began to scratch the surface of my issues.

 

I cant stop help the feeling of immense regret when we hang out, when i see her or speak to her i dont want it to end (my ex).

 

Shes literally the best person i know, kind, caring, beautiful, driven and independent.

 

Weve spoken why our relationship failed and compromises that we could come to if it hypothetically progressed which basically solved all my insecurities and problems with the relationship. this has left me with the feeling that although im young and naive, i feel i wont have this cosmic best-friend and such a reliable person again in my life, i dont want to reach 30 and be screwed over by my many exes before and wonder what could have had happen and why i lost the best thing that happened to me.

 

I know i still immensely care for her, she told me something the other day that had me in tears that had to do with her family and my worry for her.

 

I have a terrible habit of overthinking literally everything - this plagued me through our relationship as well.thoughts like these:

- Is she the one?

- Could i spend the rest of my life with her?

- Why didnt i have immense butterflies (although i was nervous and giddy at the start of the relationship and when we kissed my body felt nice and tingly)

 

As you can see i am a huge over thinker, personally ive come up with a schedule.

 

I want to remain friends at the moment and improve my self so that if it happens that we get back together i literally am my best self, i want to get rid of my depression and anxiety, ive started hitting the gym as well for my fitness and cardio and have cut down on smoking.

 

I dont know what to think though, dont know what to do, i cant hurt this girl again - it would literally kill me (the break up hurted me more) i know i sound like a confused douche bag but is it selfish to say i want to work my self out first and see what i want ?

 

When i imagine a future with her I DO see it. i see us laying on the couch on a friday night watching our favourite movies and doing things that we love, i can talk to her for hours she is HONESTLY my best friend, i just dont want to get back into a relationship with her and be undone with obsessive thoughts of is she the one etc - the cultural issues are sorted out due to her willing to reach a compromise.

 

Im not sure what to do loveshack ? im afraid of losing the best person / best thing that ever happened to me - ive got no interest in wanting that with anyone else, i thought i did but i made a mistake even getting with that other girl for 3 months it was honestly a waste of time and made me feel WORSE if anything.

 

Call it dumpers regret, im just a confused guy at the moment and dont know what to do - please if anyone is like me let me know.

 

Im not lonely, i have heaps of friends and im not looking for validation, i think do want to spend the rest of my life with this girl - i just dont want to **** it up again. Should i spend more time alone and as friends and see where it progresses again? Ive got no interest in getting with other girls or seeing them fyi.

[Confusedguy12345]

Also might add that when we broke up i was going through serious depression and anxiety issues at work - i dont even know why we broke up because i wanted freedom i guess and i didnt think it could work culturally ? but ive proven to my self in ways that it can and i just dont know anymore i really dont. Its not like i cheated or wanted someone else i just wanted to be alone with no responsibility and do what i want. The stress of the relationships parameters were upsetting me but i believe we could solve them together if we gave it another shot.

[Confusedguy12345]

Talking about this makes me feel a lot better - i might like to add that we had 3 months no contact (when i was dating that girl) and i believe we have both mutually done a lot of growing. I think i still have a lot of time to grow into the person i want to be but i want to grow with her? i dont know it sounds lame and generic but i really cant imagine anyone else at the moment nor do i want to. Im just worried if i get into a relationship with her again i will have those seething doubts the relationship for me was 50/50 id have a bad day at work and doubt everything or something would trigger it. I just really need some advice, do i need to see a relationship councillor / psychologist?

[ExpatInItaly]

A few questions for clarity:

 

1) What are the cultural differences she is willing to compromise on?

2) Does she want to get back together?

3) What is a "cosmic" best friend?

4) What was it she told you about her family that was upsetting for you?

 

I think you need to let your psychologist/psychiatrist help you address the underlying anxiety issues before you attempt to rebuild a relationship, in any case. You will be much more prepared to enter a relationship (be it with her or anyone else) if you're in an emotionally-balanced place.

[Confusedguy12345]

Hi ExpatinItaly,

 

Ive been obsessively refreshing hoping some one would reply - this is my first time doing this and it feels really good ! thanks for taking the time to reply to my thread.

 

1) Shes Muslim - i am christian. Shes willing to compromise on certain things that are associated with the religion that i did not like. i am also ready to compromise on my self (IE not following through with things, ive began to change my self)

2) Im not sure - she has indicated shes not interested in a relationship at the moment and wants to focus on herself and friends like me, im not sure if i could even win her back im stressing over hypothetical scenarios of losing the best thing that has happened to me, a thought keeps running in my head 'time waits for no man'.

3) Some one you feel attached to, can talk for hours to, makes you feel happy, laughter like a magnet she drags me in whenever we talk i just want to be all up in her if that makes sense? i like hearing about her day and successes etc etc.

4) A certain event in her family that could change the tides of their structure, i was more worried for her than she was lol.

 

What do you think about my thoughts expat? ive booked in many more psych sessions as i want to work out my depression, anxiety and obsessive overthinking of every scenario.

 

Im really trying to make an effort to improve my self, what do you think about the butterflies thing?

[Confusedguy12345]

A few questions for clarity:

 

1) What are the cultural differences she is willing to compromise on?

2) Does she want to get back together?

3) What is a "cosmic" best friend?

4) What was it she told you about her family that was upsetting for you?

 

I think you need to let your psychologist/psychiatrist help you address the underlying anxiety issues before you attempt to rebuild a relationship, in any case. You will be much more prepared to enter a relationship (be it with her or anyone else) if you're in an emotionally-balanced place.

 

I replied above

[ExpatInItaly]

Im really trying to make an effort to improve my self, what do you think about the butterflies thing?

 

I really don't know, as that means something different for everyone. In my opinion, it's normal to feel giddy and excited in the early stages of a relationship, and that tends to settle into a comfortable warm buzz over time as the relationship deepens.

 

The religious differences may or may not be an issue, depending on how devout she and her family are. I have Muslim friends who married outside the faith though these folks were not practicing and their parents weren't particularly devout either. Did her family approve of her dating you?

 

This cosmic best friend concept sounds, to me, like a grandiose name for what would otherwise by a fairly typical attraction to someone you love. It's normal to want to hear about your partner's day, laugh with them, feel drawn to them. You're giving a big label to something that is a normal part of human relationships, in my mind.

 

I don't know what this family event was of hers, but I am not sure why it's so upsetting to you when it doesn't appear to bother her that much. How would this have affected you?

[Confusedguy12345]

I really don't know, as that means something different for everyone. In my opinion, it's normal to feel giddy and excited in the early stages of a relationship, and that tends to settle into a comfortable warm buzz over time as the relationship deepens.

 

The religious differences may or may not be an issue, depending on how devout she and her family are. I have Muslim friends who married outside the faith though these folks were not practicing and their parents weren't particularly devout either. Did her family approve of her dating you?

 

This cosmic best friend concept sounds, to me, like a grandiose name for what would otherwise by a fairly typical attraction to someone you love. It's normal to want to hear about your partner's day, laugh with them, feel drawn to them. You're giving a big label to something that is a normal part of human relationships, in my mind.

 

I don't know what this family event was of hers, but I am not sure why it's so upsetting to you when it doesn't appear to bother her that much. How would this have affected you?

 

Her family would be fine eventually, they didnt know we were dating.

 

I worried / had anxiety about the not having full on butterflies, although i sexually found her very attractive etc. Im not sure about the cosmic thing, i think i just need to get in the right headspace, maybe in future we can try again. ill be happy for her if she finds another person, just dont want to live with regret, currently i have no interest in dating anyone else. I know we could work through the religious issues.

 

Im not sure why the family event effected me, maybe because i love her still and care for her ? i was worried sick.

[ExpatInItaly]

Her family would be fine eventually, they didnt know we were dating.

 

>snip<

 

Im not sure why the family event effected me, maybe because i love her still and care for her ? i was worried sick.

 

What is this family event?

 

Also, how do you know her family would be fine eventually? If they didn't even know you were dating, that tells me she was hiding this relationship because she knows they would not have approved.

Edited February 27, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

Were you diagnosed with anxiety & depression by a doctor? If not consider that you just may have growing pains as you figure out how to be an adult. If you were diagnosed I have bad news for you. Those conditions never go away. You simply learn to manage them.

 

You don't fix yourself then go out & have a relationship. You do both simultaneously. You have to learn to balance multiple things in your life -- job, relationships, me time, other family etc. You can't compartmentalize & wait for the perfect moment. It will never happen.

 

The cultural differences you mention are pretty serious. They are hard to overcome.

 

She may never want a relationship with you again. You hurt her once when you broke up. She may not trust you to stick around. Especially with the cultural differences it will be you & her against the world. You couldn't weather the easy stuff & chose to hurt her rather then fight for the relationship. She has no basis to believe that when things really get hard you will stick around. So it may not matter that you want her back.

 

I think this friendship of yours is holding you both back from moving forward Either fully commit to trying again or leave each other alone so you can find others to date.

[Confusedguy12345]

Were you diagnosed with anxiety & depression by a doctor? If not consider that you just may have growing pains as you figure out how to be an adult. If you were diagnosed I have bad news for you. Those conditions never go away. You simply learn to manage them.

 

You don't fix yourself then go out & have a relationship. You do both simultaneously. You have to learn to balance multiple things in your life -- job, relationships, me time, other family etc. You can't compartmentalize & wait for the perfect moment. It will never happen.

 

The cultural differences you mention are pretty serious. They are hard to overcome.

 

She may never want a relationship with you again. You hurt her once when you broke up. She may not trust you to stick around. Especially with the cultural differences it will be you & her against the world. You couldn't weather the easy stuff & chose to hurt her rather then fight for the relationship. She has no basis to believe that when things really get hard you will stick around. So it may not matter that you want her back.

 

I think this friendship of yours is holding you both back from moving forward Either fully commit to trying again or leave each other alone so you can find others to date.

 

 

Hi i noticed you around here. you're one of the most negative people on this forum full of simply "break up and move on" not sure how many times youve been burnt in your life but relationships arent that simple and black and white.

 

I have been diagnosed with depression, ive had anxiety as a kid funny that you say they dont go away - my psychologist says we can have me back on track in 2 years (thats me reinforcing your negativity on this forum) I couldnt whether the easy stuff because a lot has changed, ive changed, shes changed, shes changed her relgious outlook as in doesnt believe no where near as much. i Understand that she does not want me back. im saying in the future, infact i want her to date and see what other options there are i dont expect her to wait at all and i dont expect her to take me back unless i grow and improve my well being lol.

 

Im not losing my best friend, we were friends before we got into a relationship and we can be friends after its that simple. I dont want to try again because i know my brains that f u c k e d up with work, anxiety and depression i cant feel much and im too unreliable. I didnt choose to hurt her, why would i hurt some one i love? i couldnt deal with the stress and anxiety which Im learning to manage.

[Confusedguy12345]

What is this family event?

 

Also, how do you know her family would be fine eventually? If they didn't even know you were dating, that tells me she was hiding this relationship because she knows they would not have approved.

 

I know they wouldnt approve at first, but they would eventually come around to it considering other family circumstances in regards to islamic marriages. she hid it because she wanted to wait till we were more serious and had more time under our belts.

[Confusedguy12345]

Hi i noticed you around here. you're one of the most negative people on this forum full of simply "break up and move on" not sure how many times youve been burnt in your life but relationships arent that simple and black and white.

 

I have been diagnosed with depression, ive had anxiety as a kid funny that you say they dont go away - my psychologist says we can have me back on track in 2 years (thats me reinforcing your negativity on this forum) I couldnt whether the easy stuff because a lot has changed, ive changed, shes changed, shes changed her relgious outlook as in doesnt believe no where near as much. i Understand that she does not want me back. im saying in the future, infact i want her to date and see what other options there are i dont expect her to wait at all and i dont expect her to take me back unless i grow and improve my well being lol.

 

Im not losing my best friend, we were friends before we got into a relationship and we can be friends after its that simple. I dont want to try again because i know my brains that f u c k e d up with work, anxiety and depression i cant feel much and im too unreliable. I didnt choose to hurt her, why would i hurt some one i love? i couldnt deal with the stress and anxiety which Im learning to manage.

 

 

Also just because you're broken and cant be fixed doesnt mean i cant be.

 

Sorry but thats the harsh truth you needed to hear

[ExpatInItaly]

Im not losing my best friend, we were friends before we got into a relationship and we can be friends after its that simple.

 

In my experience, it's almost never that simple. And yes, I am old enough to have been around that block a couple times and seen other friends and family make that journey too.

 

I know few exes today who have remained close friends after the break-up. Life just naturally unfolds and takes people in different directions, particularly when one ex starts seriously dating someone else. That new partner's feelings will take priority, which generally isn't conducive to having a cozy friendship with an ex. The idea you'll remain best friends even if you're not a couple just isn't realistic.

 

Perhaps you two could maintain a friendship after you've emotionally detached from each other, but it would be wise to take healthy space for a while. You'll feel less bothered by your intrusive thoughts and learn what you really want and are ready for, in terms of dating. I think the other relevant factor is that you are still very young and probably fighting the natural curiosity to explore and date around. You weren't ready to commit, and that's okay.

[d0nnivain]

Hi i noticed you around here. you're one of the most negative people on this forum full of simply "break up and move on" not sure how many times youve been burnt in your life but relationships arent that simple and black and white.

 

It's hard to read that you think that way. I'm actually not very negative but I am blunt & I tell people things they often don't want to hear.

 

Unlike you I am happily married for over 10 years. Before that I had 3 primary fulfilling relationships which spanned years, only one of which ended on bad terms & that was because he had bi-polar disorder & lied to me. You are still worried about "butterflies". That is infatuation not love. It's glorious when it lasts but the fact that you get more comfortable is not a bad thing. It means you are growing together & becoming a unit.

 

I actually tell people more often then not to give it a try. I really am not the poster who always says break up but when I do there are valid reasons. You are already broken up. I merely pointed out all the reasons why she might not want you back. If you plan to try to woo her back, you need to be prepared to address those possibilities.

 

If you want to try, you can't try alone. The other person has to want to work toward fixing it too. Here you said you don't know what she wants. If she doesn't want you back, then you can't put this back together. She gets the final say in what happens to her life.

 

I'm glad you are working toward fixing whatever you think is wrong in your life. That is a good thing but you can't compartmentalize the way you seem to want to. First I will fix myself. Then when I'm perfect will find the ideal moment to give her the good news that I want her back. By then she will have moved on.

 

I too suffer from anxiety & depression. Your doctor having you "back on track" means that you will be functioning again which is great. Fantastic good for you! It doesn't mean you are cured. It means with help you found a way to manage. You initial word choice -- which is all I had to go on -- indicated that you were not under treatment & read like you were throwing clinical terms around casually. Had you been more precise in your original post I would not have focused on the misstatements. It's unfair to attack me because I questioned your poor phrasing. How was I supposed to know you meant something other than what you wrote?

 

I never claimed to be perfect. I do have more life experience & wisdom then many. You are free to disagree with me & reject everything I say but that does not mean I wasn't trying to help.

 

You also need a concrete plan to overcome the cultural & religious differences. These are not trivial matters. They are real world obstacles. How will your children be raised? How will you address parental / family objections? What will you do if one side or the other shuns you for going outside your faith? Is she strong enough to withstand that? Remember you said she never even told them you were dating. That secret is very bad.

 

Finally, in the immediate aftermath of a break up even if you were friends before you dated, it's hard to maintain a friendship. The dynamic changed & one person usually wants more. It's unfair to them to expect them to stick around for less. Plus when either of you get in a new relationship, the new SOs are not going to be happy about EXs hanging around.

 

I wish you well & will bow out because my input is not welcome.

Edited February 27, 2019 by d0nnivain