Work is the “other man”

[GuySimple]

Does anyone out there have a workaholic wife? When I read all the post here on affairs, the OM and OW, I read many of the same emotions that I am going through except my nemesis is her work. I am struggling on how to deal with it. I am very proud of her and her accomplishments and want her to continue to be a success but I am wondering if the cost is our marriage. There’s got to be some sense of what is an acceptable amount of overtime?

 

After the kids got school age she went back to work. She was the Martha Stewart homemaker and now has become the overachieving professional. On a typical day she leaves home at 7:15 picks the kids up at the sitters at 5:00, I make dinner when I get home and she putters until about 7:00 when she plunks herself down in-front of the computer and starts to work away until about midnight or later. I see what she works on so there is no concern about her doing anything else (internet stuff).

 

She has no hobbies or interests outside of work related things. She say’s that she loves her work and doesn’t need anything else. The children are very important to her but realistically the bulk of the day to day grind is left to me.

 

I feel like my role in the marriage now is to clear the deck for my wife. A few years ago she took a couple of courses. On the nights she had to study there had to be total silence in the house. Now with two small kids (under 10 at the time) this was totally impossible. When she would get upset at any noise I politely pointed out that we were doing our best to accommodate her. She would accuse me of not being supportive.

 

Things haven’t been going that great in our marriage lately. She is approaching 40 and starting to look at aspects our her life to determine if it is going as she wants it (these are her words). Admittedly I sometimes reacted in frustration of having a spouse who puts so little interest on our personal relationship and as a result wined (for lack of a better word) about her work time. This has contributed to pushing her away. Now I feel like I am the only one trying.

 

I went to a councillor the other day. I asked my wife if she wanted to go but she didn’t have the time, a big project at work. When I told my story, and was very complimentary to my wife (no dirty comments) the Councillor’s first comments were that sometimes people are better parents outside the marriage etc. etc. That sometimes being apart is the best thing. This blew me away as I always thought they tried at all cost to keep couples together. It wasn’t until I said that I wanted to try and keep our relationship together that she offered other approaches.

 

So when I got home, my seemingly unconcerned wife couldn’t get the kids in-bed fast enough so that she could ask me how it went. But when I told her that the councillor said what we needed was a retreat, time away from the kids etc., she was noncommittal. We live away from family so time away without kids has been non-existent. The last time was 4 years ago for a weekend. I suggested a number of weekends. She said that she couldn’t commit a time as this was a very busy time. But, when I asked her if she was going to a particular 3 day weekend conference later this fall for a group that she has been involved with through work she said she would like to!

 

So she say’s she doesn’t know if she can give me what I am looking for etc., etc., etc. She starts wondering what living apart would look like. So I finally said, you’re right, I’ll move out and get an apartment. I’ll get one close by. I will re-arrange our finances to make it workable. And, we can arrange it so the kids spend two weeks here and two weeks at my place. The look on her face was one of “oh S$%T” I never thought about that. To which I responded that of course we would be doing joint custody. Her response was “look why are we talking about this now”.

 

I don’t get it!

[Dean3922]

She is comfortable with your situation now and doesn't want to change it.

[Cecelius]

This is pretty odd behavior for a woman, quite honestly. She's not cheating on you but she's not into you and the marriage in quite the same way one expects.

 

 

I think you need to simply explain to her that she's not really around enough to suit your desires and what you expect from a wife, try to get into counselling and take it from there.

[portableversion]

yeah, like a 'typical' woman, as Cecelius seems to suggest, would be completely into her marriage, reading countless self-help books and obsessed with every fu*king detail of it and begging to please her man, even though hubby couldn't give two s***s about the 'relationship'. Bah!

 

GuySimple, be lucky you have such an accomplished wife who has thrown off the shackles of female subservience to the 'relationship' and actually has interests beyond her 'relationship'. Find your own thing and give her space. Jeez!

[whichwayisup]

She's settled and happy as things are...meaning, NO effort on her behalf has to be made. You do alot, you pick up the slack while she's working...But ... Once at home, that work should stay at work, unless there's a big project going on that needs her attention.

 

You called her bluff, shocked the heck outta her and now she's mulling it over. I bet she will cave and once she realizes how good she has it now, she'll change her mind.

 

Keep being open and honest. You think it, need to say it, then do just that. No point of you holding in your thoughts around her.

[crazy_grl]

yeah, like a 'typical' woman, as Cecelius seems to suggest, would be completely into her marriage, reading countless self-help books and obsessed with every fu*king detail of it and begging to please her man, even though hubby couldn't give two s***s about the 'relationship'. Bah!

 

Woah, where did Cecelius say any of that!?

 

I think what he actually said was accurate. If a man was behaving the same way, it would be just as inappropriate for him and he would not be giving his wife what she expects from her husband.

 

GuySimple, be lucky you have such an accomplished wife who has thrown off the shackles of female subservience to the 'relationship' and actually has interests beyond her 'relationship'. Find your own thing and give her space. Jeez!

 

No, he's not fortunate. It's great that his wife has found a life for herself and is has "thrown off the shackles of female subservience" as you say, but she has made a commitment to her husband. If she did not want to dedicate at least a portion of her time and energy to that relationship, she should not have made a choice to be in it. Just because his wife has taken up the stereotypical male role instead of the stereotypical female one does not make her a wonderful spouse any more than a man who behaves this way.

 

GuySimple, if you want to keep the marriage in tact, taking up your own interests and letting your wife continue like this might work in the short term, but it will lead to the two of you growing apart and you'll eventually be roommates instead of spouses. You need to sit your wife down and explain how important this is to you. If she continues to be unwilling, there's nothing you can do but leave.

 

Hopefully now she's gotten the hint that the marriage is in trouble, and she'll be willing to give counseling a try (maybe you should go to a different counselor, one's whose first opinion isn't to end the marriage).