Just can't be supportive....Widowed friend involved with married man

[WasOtherWoman]

I guess affairs just continue to happen, at every age.

 

Widowed friend involved with married man (these people are in their SIXTIES). She is all bought into the "poor thing can't leave, wife would take him to cleaners... no one has ever cared for him like I do....... poor dear is simply stuck"

 

I want to SCREAM, seriously. If he is "big boy" enough to get involved in an EMR and profess his love, then man up, get a divorce, split your assets and move on. If not, then don't start an affair.

 

And why she does not see this? Ugh.... Sorry venting this here because she does not want to hear it.

[preraph]

If she's a close enough friend, I'd tell her what I thought. If not, I'd leave it to someone who is.

 

I went through something similar with an old friend who has mental issues and narcissistic issues. Her husband has spinal cancer and been bedbound for a few years now. It's sad. She's a natural flirt and a true attention hog. She can't stand it if she's not the center of attention. That said, they had a pretty good marriage. He put up with her anyway.

 

Then she started having sex with like handymen I guess right under his nose and made noises about going after my old bf, still a friend, who is happily married and still has a child in school. I have pretty much held her at arm's length since them. I won't have her creating chaos on my circle and it's shameful to cheat on a dying husband.

[elaine567]

The more I read the more I feel that people do not really change that much. So thinking that 60+ yos are going to be ultra sensible and rational and will always do the "right" thing is being naive.

 

She is as giddy as a 20 yo lapping up the attention of that charming married coworker.

She seeks validation and love and attention just the same.

She is not going to listen to reason, as it just doesn't suit...

[FMW]

He's probably the only man she's felt anything for in a long time and that can be addictive. So she doesn't WANT to see the lies. Right now she'd rather feel what she's feeling (being alive and passionate) than face the truth and give it up.

 

It's jacked up, but sadly common.

[amaysngrace]

She deserves a whole relationship, we all do.

 

Rather than feeling sorry for herself she’s directing her sympathy towards him. She sounds like she’s still broken. You owe it to her to point that out.

 

It sounds cruel but this relationship could end up devastating her. A true friend would be blunt.

[whichwayisup]

You're judging her and I see some anger in your post. You sure you're not angry at yourself from your past mistakes and decisions?

 

If you don't like her choices and the fact she's with a MM then don't spend as much time with her anymore.

[WasOtherWoman]

 

She is as giddy as a 20 yo lapping up the attention of that charming married coworker.

She seeks validation and love and attention just the same.

She is not going to listen to reason, as it just doesn't suit...

 

Yes all true.. and we don't really discuss it anymore at all because she does not want to hear it so I don't want to antagonize her. Just hard to sit back and watch.

[WasOtherWoman]

He's probably the only man she's felt anything for in a long time and that can be addictive. So she doesn't WANT to see the lies. Right now she'd rather feel what she's feeling (being alive and passionate) than face the truth and give it up.

 

It's jacked up, but sadly common.

 

Yes, but her husband passing was not very long ago, so i think that compounds it. I totally get that she would rather be feeling what she is feeling rather than facing the truth. My fear is what is going to happen when this is all exposed.... I am afraid it is going to be WORSE than the death of her husband

[WasOtherWoman]

You're judging her and I see some anger in your post. You sure you're not angry at yourself from your past mistakes and decisions?

 

If you don't like her choices and the fact she's with a MM then don't spend as much time with her anymore.

 

Interesting take... i AM judging, but not her. I am judging him. If you see anger, (which i actually do think i am feeling, because he is likely going to devastate someone who really can't handle any more hurt right now) it is certainly not towards her.

 

I think the only thing that my past has to do with is that I know that if a man loves a woman and wants a life with her, he will make it happen. It really is that simple. For this man to cake eat with someone so fragile is just not ok.

[elaine567]

I think the only thing that my past has to do with is that I know that if a man loves a woman and wants a life with her, he will make it happen. It really is that simple. For this man to cake eat with someone so fragile is just not ok.

 

 

Agreed and the "Oh she is an adult she can make her own choices" doesn't really hold water when she is newly widowed and he should have left her alone. He saw an "opportunity" and took it.

[WasOtherWoman]

Agreed and the "Oh she is an adult she can make her own choices" doesn't really hold water when she is newly widowed and he should have left her alone. He saw an "opportunity" and took it.

 

Yep, I kinda of want to punch him . I am not suggesting he is a predator, or anything like that. I know him, he is a very nice man, a bit younger than she is. That said, I am sure this all started out with good intentions and a simple friendship, but.....

 

The fallout is not going to be pretty.

[Artdeco]

Well, she’s your friend, so if you can’t be supportive, at least don’t be judgy. State your opinion once, and then let it go. She’ll come to you if she needs you, hopefully, and hopefully you can still find it in you to be there for her.

[WasOtherWoman]

Well, she’s your friend, so if you can’t be supportive, at least don’t be judgy. State your opinion once, and then let it go. She’ll come to you if she needs you, hopefully, and hopefully you can still find it in you to be there for her.

 

I think though that this is not about what is in MY heart... it is the complete devastation that her's will likely be, and there is not a darn thing i can do to prevent it. I judge HIM, not her.

 

All of the things that i would normally say to a person in her situation (one that had not just become a WIDOW) can't be said. For example... "Oh, really? He told you that his wife does not really care what he is doing, or with whom. OK, great, let's put that to the test then. There should be no reason he cannot spend the night then, right?" This is why i want to scream.... i can do nothing to prevent this.

 

Of course, no, it is not my job to prevent, but this is not a typical affair situation. She was already devastated at becoming a widow. Now again to be devastated to be potentially left again? That pain is just unfathomable to me.

Edited February 27, 2019 by WasOtherWoman
edited: typo

[Artdeco]

Nowhere in your posts do I see that she’s expecting him to leave his marriage.

Maybe the arrangement works for her, after losing her husband recently.

That wouldn’t surprise me at all. Maybe she sees it as a nice distraction, no commitment, some company and fun when they both have time. Not every ow wants a full time relationship.

[preraph]

The more I read the more I feel that people do not really change that much. So thinking that 60+ yos are going to be ultra sensible and rational and will always do the "right" thing is being naive.

 

She is as giddy as a 20 yo lapping up the attention of that charming married coworker.

She seeks validation and love and attention just the same.

She is not going to listen to reason, as it just doesn't suit...

 

Yeah. My friend I wrote about up there is in her 60s. All that happens --- they get more desperate and what they might have gotten away with when young, they look like an old fool who should know better, because that's what they are. See, with my attention-seeking narcissist friend, she juggled guys when young. No problem. She wasn't that picky and always had a flock of them. Very outgoing and flirtatious. Now she's old and can't just give a nod and a wink and draw them to her, so she's desperate enough to go after anyone she can find any connection to (like my old bf -- I'm sure she's use me as a reason to contact him) out of desperation. I warned him, but I figured if he was stupid enough to have an affair with her, and he might be, they both deserved what they got, but thing is -- neither of their spouses does.

[WasOtherWoman]

Nowhere in your posts do I see that she’s expecting him to leave his marriage.

Maybe the arrangement works for her, after losing her husband recently.

That wouldn’t surprise me at all. Maybe she sees it as a nice distraction, no commitment, some company and fun when they both have time. Not every ow wants a full time relationship.

 

True on not all OWs wanting their men to leave. We cannot paint her with any "OW brush" though. She is in love, is still in fresh grief from the loss of her husband and when this blows up it will devastate her. There are no two ways about it.

 

edited to add: I WISH what you were saying was true though, don't get me wrong. If that were the case, believe me i would be fine with the whole thing.

[FMW]

All of the things that i would normally say to a person in her situation (one that had not just become a WIDOW) can't be said. For example... "Oh, really? He told you that his wife does not really care what he is doing, or with whom. OK, great, let's put that to the test then. There should be no reason he cannot spend the night then, right?"

 

Beyond being more gentle with her than maybe you normally would with someone else, why can you not tell her the same thing? I wouldn't change the content - just present it in a less aggressive manner.

 

In the end, you can't prevent her from getting hurt. It's too late, she's already involved, there's no pain-free exit available. Yes, she was in a vulnerable state, but she chose to proceed. Deep down she knows the risks, but for now this is what she's chosen to do.

[WasOtherWoman]

Beyond being more gentle with her than maybe you normally would with someone else, why can you not tell her the same thing? I wouldn't change the content - just present it in a less aggressive manner.

 

In the end, you can't prevent her from getting hurt. It's too late, she's already involved, there's no pain-free exit available. Yes, she was in a vulnerable state, but she chose to proceed. Deep down she knows the risks, but for now this is what she's chosen to do.

 

Thanks, I've tried, very gently, on many occasions. She simply does not want to hear it, so i need to just shut up. Hence my vent here. Having been on both sides of the equation myself and having read about this topic on these forums for many years, of course, i can predict the likely outcome. She has no knowledge of anything of this sort of thing, has led a very sheltered life. She is 100% bought in to what he is telling her.

[FMW]

I understand.

 

I can no longer read some of the threads here on LS from OW who willfully stay in deep denial about the reality of their situations. I recognize their thought processes and would love to give advice based on my own experience, but I can't stomach it when the threads continue for months (and sometimes years!) without any change.

 

So I can only imagine how I would feel if someone I knew personally and cared about was doing the same.

[LivingWaterPlease]

She's fortunate to have a friend who cares for her as much as you do. Blessings on you for your loyalty to her!

[mark clemson]

Yeah. My friend I wrote about up there is in her 60s. All that happens --- they get more desperate and what they might have gotten away with when young, they look like an old fool who should know better, because that's what they are. See, with my attention-seeking narcissist friend, she juggled guys when young. No problem. She wasn't that picky and always had a flock of them. Very outgoing and flirtatious. Now she's old and can't just give a nod and a wink and draw them to her, so she's desperate enough to go after anyone she can find any connection to (like my old bf -- I'm sure she's use me as a reason to contact him) out of desperation...

 

Sounds like an attention fiend, which can also be thought of as a "validation addict". I've actually been there as well and I still do the flirting for fun but can recognize and control if it ever starts to feel like a "need" again.

 

You might wish to have a chat with your friend and suggest IC or similar. Maybe she sees no reason to change, but I suspect she'll be happier in the long run if she finds validation from less transitory sources. Just a thought.

[preraph]

Sounds like an attention fiend, which can also be thought of as a "validation addict". I've actually been there as well and I still do the flirting for fun but can recognize and control if it ever starts to feel like a "need" again.

 

You might wish to have a chat with your friend and suggest IC or similar. Maybe she sees no reason to change, but I suspect she'll be happier in the long run if she finds validation from less transitory sources. Just a thought.

 

She's had lots of IC throughout her life. She's like a shark feeding on attention. She's diagnosed narcissistic and bipolar. Oh I've had a talk with her, but I'm not letting her metal in my circle of friends. I'm over it.

[mark clemson]

Ah, gotcha. Too bad as some folks can't be helped I guess. You are wise then, IMO to keep your distance.

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, an affair is probably exactly what she wants, opposed to having another man around full-time. She has probably been a ‘good girl’ all her life, always played it safe, and she’s probably bored with that.

 

Let her talk about it and don’t get wound up over it. It’s her life. She knows what she’s doing. If she doesn’t, she’ll figure it out soon enough.

[preraph]

Ah, gotcha. Too bad as some folks can't be helped I guess. You are wise then, IMO to keep your distance.

 

That's what I'm trying to do. She left a message not long ago saying she was going to be in town, which usually means 60 miles from here and expects me to drive and I emailed her back saying I was busy working. She also said, I'm not sure if you're still talking to me.

 

We've been friends for 40 years and I knew she'd do shady things, but she was my roommate out of necessity at that early point, so I figured she owed me no loyalty and overlooked things, but after this long, a little loyalty wouldn't kill her, but it's her needs that always come above everything. She just gets nuts.