Timshel Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 If that were the case, believe me i would be fine with the whole thing. I'm sure his wife would be super keen also; 'she's a widow dear, she needs this...' I am a widow and the last thing I thought about was sex/attention from men/shagging a married man and so on...everyone is different. I came here to say that your friend is a widow has zero correlation with having an affair with a married man. She is her own person, not to be mistaken with women whose husbands died. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WasOtherWoman Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 I'm sure his wife would be super keen also; 'she's a widow dear, she needs this...' I am a widow and the last thing I thought about was sex/attention from men/shagging a married man and so on...everyone is different. I came here to say that your friend is a widow has zero correlation with having an affair with a married man. She is her own person, not to be mistaken with women whose husbands died. Oh dear, i did not mean i would be "fine with it" in that way. I meant that I would not be as concerned about the outcome, because when someone makes the choice to become an OW, they fully understand the risks, and the consequences that may come. Heck, I don't even know (or care) if they are "shagging". But she is a widow who was in an extremely long marriage and truly WAS devastated when her husband passed. This was not a calculated move on her part. Interesting the different reactions though, no? I am angry with him. You seem to take more issue with her (as does my mother, who is also a widow). Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 He is a man who sensed weakness and pounced, unfortunately, she reciprocated. After my husband passed (I am remarried now) the social fallout was so extreme it led me to make my first post on LS. Men were like wolves, women who I thought were my friends no longer invited me to dinner parties or events their husbands would be present. It was devastating at the time, when what I needed were my friends. I could not wrap my mind around the thought process of the men or the women. I just lost my husband. Your friend feeds this pervasive stereotype of the needy/greedy widow and it causes so much pain. I hope your friend is attending grief counseling, group therapy is wonderful as well. I think that your friend should very well be classed as many OW, she is emotionally and psychologically needy as the majority of OW's are...no matter widowed, married, single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WasOtherWoman Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 She WAS attending grief counseling, in a group. Which i was very happy about. Once she started this relationship, as she got further and further involved, she stopped doing all of those "healing things". It feels like the entire grieving process stopped once this started. And you are so right, the sterotypes of the widow, all that I am sure she hated. It is just hard to think of her as a "typical OW" (For lack of a better term) as she will be SEVENTY next month. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Interesting the different reactions though, no? I am angry with him. You seem to take more issue with her (as does my mother, who is also a widow). Perhaps you expect too much from men and not enough from women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WasOtherWoman Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 Perhaps you expect too much from men and not enough from women. Interesting perspective and in this case i can see why you would think that. In general though, NOPE, I hold people equally accountable. In this particular instance I do put the blame on him, I just can't help it. He has already been divorced once, he knows the drill and that he is not going anywhere. His situation also offers him more freedom than most, so the risks that are being taken scare me because it is not a matter of IF his wife finds out, it is a matter of WHEN. Cannot even imagine that situation. She has no clue what the fallout of an affair can be... he most assuredly must. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Interesting take... i AM judging, but not her. I am judging him. If you see anger, (which i actually do think i am feeling, because he is likely going to devastate someone who really can't handle any more hurt right now) it is certainly not towards her. I think the only thing that my past has to do with is that I know that if a man loves a woman and wants a life with her, he will make it happen. It really is that simple. For this man to cake eat with someone so fragile is just not ok. I understand better now, sorry I misunderstood what you meant exactly earlier. He is jerk for taking advantage of her state of mind and situation. I assume we're talking less than a year since her husband passed away? You're a good friend and all you can do is be there for her if/when the time comes this blows up and she ends up hurt. But, with that said, she's probably a lot stronger inside than you realize and won't totally fall apart and crumble. She has friends and family to help her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Thanks, I've tried, very gently, on many occasions. She simply does not want to hear it, so i need to just shut up. Hence my vent here. Having been on both sides of the equation myself and having read about this topic on these forums for many years, of course, i can predict the likely outcome. She has no knowledge of anything of this sort of thing, has led a very sheltered life. She is 100% bought in to what he is telling her. Yes, you need to back off and let it go don't say anything else about her affair with him. She's a grown woman and even though naive, deep down she has to know that the affair will end eventually. You will be that friend to help her when the time comes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WasOtherWoman Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 But, with that said, she's probably a lot stronger inside than you realize and won't totally fall apart and crumble. She has friends and family to help her. Unfortunately that is a big piece of this... only "couple friends" (who are not aware) and zero family at all. I think i just have to stop thinking about, it is going to give me an ulcer Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 Yes, I think you just have to try hard and not think about it and let her know you don't want to hear about it. She was married for many years, I assume, she understands men, she knows what marriage is, so she understands what she's doing. She surely can understand how SHE would have felt if her husband had done to her what this man is doing. She has to know what he's telling her may not be the whole truth. She's chosen to do this, she's responsible for that choice. She's dealt with the death of her husband, she's wounded, but probably not nearly as fragile as you think. Link to post Share on other sites
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