Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I was in a long distance relationship with this girl for the past 18 months. She lives in America and I live in the UK. I had booked non-refundable flights and hotels to go see her in America in March, She dumped me two weeks after booking the tickets. I’m still planning on going and she wants to meet me but the problem is she says that she will only ever hang out with me in public because she would feel uncomfortable. I haven’t ever done anything wrong to her or mistreated her. I don’t know if I could meet up with someone who doesn’t feel comfortable around me. Why would she even want to meet up if she feels like that? It’s probably the last time I’m going to America so it would be the last time I would ever see her. So if I ask myself what is worse, Never seeing her again or meeting up with someone who doesn’t trust me. I’d honestly have to say meeting up with someone who doesn’t trust me. Should I tell her that I don’t want to meet? I know it’s going to upset her Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 What difference does it make that she's upset? She's your EX & she broke up with you. Her feelings on the subject don't control, yours do. Have you ever met before? If not, the break up was probably a fear reaction. You were becoming real & that scared her. If you have met, perhaps one last face to face will give you a chance to fix this. At least you will know you tried Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I’m still planning on going and she wants to meet me but the problem is she says that she will only ever hang out with me in public because she would feel uncomfortable. I'm curious what she meant by this. Is she uncomfortable because you two haven't met in person before? Is she uncomfortable because you have previously behaved in a way that concerns her? Is she uncomfortable being alone with you in private simply because she doesn't view you as a romantic partner anymore and doesn't want to be in a potentially intimate setting? Is she uncomfortable because she's actually met another guy and being alone with you in private might be considered inappropriate? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 I have met up with her loads of times in the past and we got on really well. After we broke up she said she wouldn’t ever want to meet up because of crime of passion. I think maybe she was abused by an ex in the past or maybe she is just watching too much tv because normal people don’t do that stuff. Also she is getting very flirty with her messages. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 If you have any hope of fixing this, a final meet up makes sense. You can't fix it with devices & an ocean between you. It sounds like she is either genuinely afraid of you or of herself. I'm not sure what her crime of passion comment means. Does she really think you would hurt her? If so, just stay away It sounds more like she doesn't trust herself & she knows if she sees you her resolve to break up will melt but then when you go back home she will be left alone in an LDR that is killing her. Do you have a plan to permanently close the distance? If not, what are you doing other then stringing each other along. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Who cares what she wants or why? She is your EX and what she wants has no bearing on your life whatsoever. You should go on your holiday and have a good time! And don't spoil it by meeting up with your EX. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 If you have any hope of fixing this, a final meet up makes sense. You can't fix it with devices & an ocean between you. It sounds like she is either genuinely afraid of you or of herself. I'm not sure what her crime of passion comment means. Does she really think you would hurt her? If so, just stay away It sounds more like she doesn't trust herself & she knows if she sees you her resolve to break up will melt but then when you go back home she will be left alone in an LDR that is killing her. Do you have a plan to permanently close the distance? If not, what are you doing other then stringing each other along. I Honestly don’t know if she thinks I would hurt her. I could understand if I was abusive to her but I haven’t been. When I tell all my friends and family about the crime of passion thing, everyone just bursts out laughing because I’m a pretty chilled out guy and would never do that to anyone. We did talk about me moving over to America to be with her before we broke up. I work in the engineering sector so I could get a very good well paid job in America. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I Honestly don’t know if she thinks I would hurt her. I could understand if I was abusive to her but I haven’t been. When I tell all my friends and family about the crime of passion thing, everyone just bursts out laughing because I’m a pretty chilled out guy and would never do that to anyone. That sounds to me more like an excuse than a genuine fear. If I were you, I'd actually be insulted that she's insinuating that you are violent and unstable. If she's not usually an irrational person, and knows you well enough to know you aren't dangerous, I think she's grasping at straws because she doesn't want to tell you the real reason. My guess? She's got a new guy in her life and doesn't want to do anything with you that could look bad to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 That sounds to me more like an excuse than a genuine fear. If I were you, I'd actually be insulted that she's insinuating that you are violent and unstable. If she's not usually an irrational person, and knows you well enough to know you aren't dangerous, I think she's grasping at straws because she doesn't want to tell you the real reason. . When she first said it, I was pretty offended but she is kinda pretty irrational, that’s why I believe that maybe she was in an abusive relationship in the past but has never spoken about it. I was friends with her before we got in a relationship and she has always been a worrier. She stresses over small little things. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Whatever the case, I'd drop the whole idea of meeting up with her, and enjoy your trip to the US without having to worry about her. Don't taint your trip by meeting up with someone who claims she can't trust enough to be alone with you. It's not worth the hassle. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 That’s what I have been thinking about doing. It’s probably going to be the last time I am going to visit America so I wouldn’t have any fun sitting across a table looking at someone who doesn’t trust me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Why did she break up with you, anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 She felt like I wasn’t going to move to America to be with her Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 She felt like I wasn’t going to move to America to be with her And she said this even after you'd booked your tickets to come and see her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 And she said this even after you'd booked your tickets to come and see her? I did ask her would she ever consider moving to the UK in the future so I guess she was just pretty annoyed. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 She felt like I wasn’t going to move to America to be with her She projected her worst fear & then decided you were acting in conformity with her fear. Then she broke up with you before you could hurt her. She is afraid of meeting you now because she still cares & knows you could easily talk to her into trying again. You have a communications issue with this one. She's not listening. She's projecting a doomsday scenario which has become her reality, despite logic & evidence to the contrary. In short she is being ruled by fear rather then facts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 ..or as is often the case with a LDR she realizes it's been 18 months and this isn't really going anywhere. If there is an ocean between people I don't think they're "in" a relationship so much as imagining one. Link to post Share on other sites
emeraldgreen Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Don't let her cockblock your holiday. Tell her to jump off a bridge and go meet other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Well, I watch a slew of crime shows and follow crime daily and though I am all for caution and especially about going to another country (the reverse of what you'd be doing) to meet a man, I don't see why if she's already met you she'd have this fear unless you either told her you'd been violent before or did something pushy OR she's just got some issues because of the past. But I mean, she's already met you, so it makes little sense unless you're leaving something out. Did you go off the deep end during the breakup, or did she and perhaps she's afraid she'll become passionately criminal and stab you in the chest with a pair of scissors? What is going on here? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 FWIW, I wouldn't meet an ex who said it had to be in a public space. Of course, the meeting probably would have been in a cafe anyway, but if their trust for me was so low that they had to spell it out, then I wouldn't go near them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 She projected her worst fear & then decided you were acting in conformity with her fear. Then she broke up with you before you could hurt her. She is afraid of meeting you now because she still cares & knows you could easily talk to her into trying again. You have a communications issue with this one. She's not listening. She's projecting a doomsday scenario which has become her reality, despite logic & evidence to the contrary. In short she is being ruled by fear rather then facts. Thanks for your response because a lot of that makes a lot of sense about the way she acts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 (edited) I don't see why if she's already met you she'd have this fear unless you either told her you'd been violent before or did something pushy OR she's just got some issues because of the past. But I mean, she's already met you, so it makes little sense unless you're leaving something out. Did you go off the deep end during the breakup, or did she and perhaps she's afraid she'll become passionately criminal and stab you in the chest with a pair of scissors? What is going on here? This is why I find it confusing as well because it went exactly how i explained it. I have never had a violent history with anyone in my past, never got into a fight with anyone. Other people have suggested that maybe she is concerned about how she will react which I didn't think of at the time, I kinda wished I had asked her what she meant but i just assumed she was referring to me. I am probably not going to meet up with her anyway now because i cant be around someone who thinks like that. Even if she did honestly believe that nonsense then why would she even want to meet up?. If i was a girl and I believed someone was going to be violent then i'd never want to meet up with that person because it wouldn't make sense to put myself in that situation. Edited February 27, 2019 by Tom_w001 add extra info 1 Link to post Share on other sites
realmess Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 chances are shes living with her bf thats why she doesnt want you over Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Don't even entertain the idea of meeting up with this drama queen. Put her in the rear view. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 This is pointless. You don't even live in the same country. I would not ruin my trip by seeing an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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