Long distance breakup - I still love him so much - 16 days NC

[LonelyGirl01]

So we were together officially since January 2018 to January 2019. It was long distance from the start, different continents about 18 hours of plane travel away. We would talk every single day, all day. It was by far the most intense relationship I have ever had, that got very very serious very fast. We fell in love so intense and hard and in about 2 weeks he asked me to marry him several times, that I was the love of his life and that he had never loved anyone like me. I felt the same. We talked about family, about growing old together. He wrote me the most romantic letters I have ever received, I felt like a part of a Nicholas Sparks movie. We gave each other 110% . During this one year together we saw each other several times, as he would often travel to the my country, and I visited several times as well. He is 10 years older than me.

 

We were like intense hayfire, very intense at first and fizzled out to ashes.

The distance hid a lot of our differences and bad traits. You only see the good parts and what the person wants to show. We both deceived each other in a way, and created unrealistic expectations on each other. So naturally, when I came to live in France in December 2018, we had many big fights. We started seeing the the bad.

 

We had several breakups, said nasty things to each other (this was mostly me, I hurt him a lot and I do realize that, in part my immaturity took over in this and honestly if I could go back I would), Eventually about the 10th of January we broke up “officially”, mostly his decision. We would often break up during fights, both inicitiating but would always “make up”. This time it was different, he said de did not want to trick and deceive me any longer that we had a future together. At this point I had accepted this as well. I was still looking for an apartment at the time (I came to live in France due to work and he was transferred back to Brazil, also due to a better work opportunity). Yes, a strange synchronized move but both due to work. I stayed with him until the 21st of January, granted I should have left when we broke up and gone to a hotel, but since I was with 6 bags with me (my whole move/clothes/belongings etc.) I ended up staying with him for the next 10/11 days before leaving (21st). It was a very strange few days, its like we were strangers to each other, the masks had fallen, and we were both bitter with each other, but still had a lot of chemistry and care for each other. So in resume, we barely spoke to each other but would still cuddle and be caring. Anyways, strange 10 days.

 

So on the 21st, my birthday was coming up at the end of January, he was leaving the country on the 4th of February. During dinner on the 21st, he said he had booked a spa day that he had gotten from his best friend *a girl* on his birthday for the 27th. It was at that point that I noticed he really really didn’t care in the least bit, not even as a friend. I got upset obviously, he said I could go with them, but it was already too far gone. I packed all my bags, and took one by one to my car (no elevator and I am quite small). In the end my whole body hurt, but I knew I had to leave. That day we were having a blood moon eclipse, I don’t know if that influenced anything, maybe yes maybe not. In my last bag, he came and helped and forced me to hug and kiss him good bye. I went to a friends house, he asked me through text message to tell him when I arrived, since it was night time. I did, and stayed no contact for 14 days. He sent two messages on the first few days, but I didn`t respond so he stopped.

 

About 16 days ago, I broke no contact and called him. We talked for 2 minutes or less, I was drunk and said I missed him a lot and he said he missed me a lot as well. He said he would call me back as he was in the middle of a tennis match. Due to the time difference, I was 4 hours ahead, I fell asleep “waiting” and when he called I didn’t answer - sleeping. He apologized for taking so long, about 2 hours, but he was in the tennis match and hadn’t eaten all day. I don’t know what to think about this, as at this point I am not sure if he didn`t want to talk to me or if he was telling the truth. I just send an “its ok” and went back to no contact. I am now at 16 days NC. The last few days strangely have been the hardest ever since the first break up. I feel like crying all the time, and it seems the more I do no contact it hurts me more than it hurts him. Obviously I have no idea what goes on in his mind either.

 

I feel so so lost. I am putting all this into words for the first time. I have never loved anyone in my life like this, where I thought and promised forever to someone, body and soul. Where I truly imagined having a family and marring. And the more time passes, it seems to make things worse, miss him more and love him more. But I am keeping strong with the no contact. At least once in my life my ego serves for something.

 

Anyone go through something similar? Will it get worse until it gets better? How did you deal with this, what helped?

[d0nnivain]

You are still in the acute phase of the break up where you world routine is disrupted & the pain in the worst.

 

Start purging . . . boxing up all the mementos. You can throw them out or store them in a deep closet. Save al the pictures to a flash drive or cloud so you are not looking at them.

[ExpatInItaly]

We fell in love so intense and hard and in about 2 weeks he asked me to marry him several times, that I was the love of his life and that he had never loved anyone like me.

 

This was your cue that you were about to step into the Danger Zone.

 

Mature, rational and healthy adults don't engage in fairy-tale nonsense like this with a virtual stranger. I realize you saw it as romantic, but in fact, it was the sign that you were dealing with a nutter. For your own well-being, run away from guys like this in the future. Not towards them.

 

Now, you can deal with the pain by slowly recognizing this for the toxic relationship it actually was. I would revise your definition of love, and reflect on whether you're confusing it with infatuation. Ask yourself why you associate instability with love. This will hopefully help you to identity unhealthy patterns and poor relationship candidates in the future, so you can eventually find a decent guy to build your life with. This man wasn't it, and he never was.

[LonelyGirl01]

You are still in the acute phase of the break up where you world routine is disrupted & the pain in the worst.

 

Start purging . . . boxing up all the mementos. You can throw them out or store them in a deep closet. Save al the pictures to a flash drive or cloud so you are not looking at them.

 

 

Yes, I deleted all of the pictures I found on my cellphone. Bit by bit I purged all memories, digital or physical. Unfortunatly its not as easy to delete from our own mind.

 

I keep on trying to do little things that worked in my last breakups. Like if they come into my mind, I block out everything and think of a color, like blue. But for some reason this time around it's just not passing and getting better like last times. Hopefully its just a bad few days that will pass soon. Just have to keep strong and keep going step by step, day by day.

[LonelyGirl01]

This was your cue that you were about to step into the Danger Zone.

 

Mature, rational and healthy adults don't engage in fairy-tale nonsense like this with a virtual stranger. I realize you saw it as romantic, but in fact, it was the sign that you were dealing with a nutter. For your own well-being, run away from guys like this in the future. Not towards them.

 

Now, you can deal with the pain by slowly recognizing this for the toxic relationship it actually was. I would revise your definition of love, and reflect on whether you're confusing it with infatuation. Ask yourself why you associate instability with love. This will hopefully help you to identity unhealthy patterns and poor relationship candidates in the future, so you can eventually find a decent guy to build your life with. This man wasn't it, and he never was.

 

He wasnt a virtual stranger. We knew each other for many years, more as acquaintances. At the time we were in different relationships. Then in 2017, we went on a date (he had moved about 6 months before to France), and it just exploded from there.

 

I do agree that it was toxic relationship. Honestly, I think I was the more immature and toxic one, said nasty things to him and just wasnt the best I could be. He was far from perfect but in the end I think he was a better person. Maybe that is what bothers me the most in the end.

 

And yes I do hope I can find a decent guy in the future. However at the moment I cannot even think of that, and feel I need to grow as a person, emotionally and mentally so I can find a healthy and happy relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Knowing each for years as acquaintances is not the same as knowing each other in the context of a romantic relationship for 2 weeks.

 

This is why I maintain that alarm bells should have been clanging for you when he proposed within 2 weeks.

 

You say you were the more immature one, but I would not be so quick to assume all the blame there. The mature I know aren’t asking a brand-new girlfriend to marry them after 14 days of dating.

 

Let one of the lessons here be to improve your man-picker. This guy had red flags all over him almost immediately.