How long until NC becomes bearable?

[Abetterme]

I have a genuine question. If there is no intentions on living authentically then why attempt NC? I once heard someone say women have the relationship they feel they deserve. I dont believe this is applicable in every case, but it is applicable in most affairs.

 

All you women are married, none of you seem to care about your marriage nor plan on changing so what exactly are you wanting? You wont get single so why not just accept the affairs for what they are two people lying and misleading one another. How is it that you can separate your actions and behavior from those of these men? Two people rowing the same boat in the same direction.

 

I agree with the point you’re making but I disagree that anyone here isn’t trying to be authentic. I think affairs are addictions and the process is similar to that of divesting oneself from an addiction to substance or anything else. If my best friend was an alcoholic and was working on their sobriety, it would be discouraged hearing about a relapse, but I know that the path to sobriety is often littered with relapse, until hopefully one day with a lot of work....it sticks.

 

I think this thread really is more about encouraging others along a path that even though we know is of our making, is painful. No one experience is the same but if you can see others around you having success in “sobriety” you see that there is power in moving on and being healthy. People are wired differently and susceptible to different addictions. Some are here feeling their marriage isn’t what they want it to be, it makes that fantasy even harder to break from but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to.

 

You are right though, we allow in what we feel we deserve and our actions are no better than our XAPs. Ladies, you all deserve more!

[Naivewomen]

The difference is the MW believes she has a tremendous problem!! Someone tells you they love you morning noon and night you believe them!!! Had MM eliminated those words I would have realised what this was all about. I didnt go home and pretend to live a normal life. I was detached and isolated. I wasnt spooning my H. I wasnt in normal loving family photos anymore. H left the bedroom from the detachment. Most women can only love one person at a time. The difference is they dont detach and etc. And that is the biggest lie when you throw out that big word LOVE. The women truly loves and the man truly loves to lie using that word!! That's the toxicity of it. My MM knew because I told him that if he needed just a side piece he can take a walk so instead he fed me those lies. I never did that!! I was genuine and faithful to the wrong man!!! Huge error!! Had he told me sooner I love my wife and this is fun and etc. It never would have carried on and he knew it.

[DKT3]

A key element in beating any addiction is accountability. That is why all addiction programs have sponsors. Someone who understands yet is willing to call you on your crap. For the most part you women think you can hold yourselves accountable, were that the case there would have been no affair.

 

Its important to have support, but that doesn't mean someone saying oh it's ok, because it's not ok.

 

Life moves fast, and being stuck here, in this place has an impact on those around you, there is a price to pay. I'm personally witnessing this in my home with my wife and our son over a decade after her affair.

[DKT3]

Naive, you are still missing the point

[Naivewomen]

DK, that I allowed it and I wasnt accountable!! I get it and I wasnt because i allowed it!! Inunderstand and I'm paying the price because there is no joy left in my marriage. I have ruined it. I have broken a good man and hurt him beyond repair. I know this and he should leave me. I dont deserve him. The MM get to walk away with a normal happy life oh that's fair!!

[Bittersweetie]

For MW, I do think some of the hyper-focus on MM and why they did what they did and what their consequences are (or not) is a form of escape from facing the truth and impact of one's own actions. I know I did it. I see it often here. I think it may be part of the path moving forward. Because really, who wants to admit they did something terrible that hurt others? But until one can fully accept responsibility for their actions, without any bit of blame on others (whether it be BH or MM or whoever), I don't think there's the chance for profound growth and change.

 

Yes, my MM treated me like crap...he was hot and cold and lied and fed me what I wanted to hear. But you know what? I lied to my H, was hot and cold, told my H only what I thought he should hear. It took me a while to finally realize that I had no right to judge my MM because I was just as complicit in poor choices and hurting others.

 

And honestly, that realization was the final nail in the coffin of NC. Because why would I want to talk to/be with a person who was just as messed up as I was? How in the world was thinking/examining/obsessing over MM and his life helping ME and my MARRIAGE? It wasn't so I let it go. And NC became much easier.

[Aloha123]

DK -

 

I was actually JUST wondering that same thing reading NW's thread, but from a different perspective. Do those who are judging her for not coming clean with her husband, do they think she gained ANYTHING from leaving the affair, or that she's still just as "guilty" as if she was still actively cheating. Because personally, all other things being equal, I still think it's better to stop actively cheating even if you do not tell your husband. I think she deserves credit for that, and it's more commendable than what I am currently doing, which is still cheating AND not telling my husband.

 

And yes, as to your point about "just taking it for what it is", that is in fact what I am able to do on a "good day", and actually what keeps me stuck. It's a 'fun'diversion, it's an avenue for at least some periodic sex, a way to feel pretty and sexy, etc. And based on how my mm always set expectations properly (with the exception of constantly telling me that he "loves" me), this is how I personally allowed myself to get sucked in in the first place.

 

And as to your final point, yet again I was just recently thinking how my husband is to me exactly what I am to my mm. Somebody on the back burner, who I don't think about a lot, who I have compartmentalized into a small convenient box. etc. So yes we MW are no better than the MM. And it;s even worse because our MMs owe us absolutely nothing whereas the same obviously can't be said with regard to us and our husbands. I think I've said this before, but at least the MMs have their priorities straight!

[DKT3]

Aloha, naive is every bit in her affair as you are. Worse yet, she isnt being honest with herself. Not being physical doesn't mean You've quit.

 

I'm testing my memory here, but taking bittersweet as an example, her affair ended and she had a d day. Her affair was over, except it wasn't, not really. It wasn't until her husband said he couldn't parent her (or something like that, it's been a while) that she truly had her aha moment, that is when her affair truly ended. For my wife, she ended her affair some time later she made a verbal mistake and it left no doubt. Another 14 months passed I filed for divorce. It was the day she was served that she ended her affair through she hadn't seen or spoken to the AP in over two years.

 

Physically not seeing the AP isnt what ends affair. They continue until one truly makes the decision mentally and emotionally to end them. This is when the real growth happens, and when you truly start working towards indifference. That only happens because you want it to, and not because your words say it's over, while your emotions and actions say its not. You can end it out of anger, but anger goes away. Fear goes away, every emotional response that ends affairs go away. that is why some many women go in and out of affairs. It isnt until you make a commitment to yourself to be better for yourself that you can end them. Otherwise they just lay dormant until they start again.

Edited March 7, 2019 by DKT3

[Bittersweetie]

It wasn't until her husband said he couldn't parent her (or something like that, it's been a while) that she truly had her aha moment, that is when her affair truly ended.

 

Yes. After d-day I'd had NC but still looked at xMM online, and had kept two "special" emails in a secret email account. My H found the account by monitoring our wi-fi and read them.

 

He then told me this: "I can't monitor you forever. What you do is up to you."

 

It was an aha moment for me, the moment I realized I needed to grow up. The moment I realized I wanted to be a better person, not for my H, but for ME. The moment I realized I wanted to rebuild my personal integrity and be healthier for myself moving forward.

 

I do think there is a difference in making things right in order to keep the marriage, and making things right in order to initiate change and growth. It's not a huge difference, but as someone who has done both, I see the difference so, so clearly.

 

That thread is here if interested:

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

[DKT3]

I really hope I didn't derail this thread, there was some good dialogue going.

[Aloha123]

I really hope I didn't derail this thread, there was some good dialogue going.

 

No not at all. Yes I agree. Most of the other threads I started went off the rails right away (like, to the point of the moderator locking them), but I'm really glad I gave it one more chance.

 

I just don't have any more updates. Other than the fact that I spent most of my therapy session today talking about my marriage and husband rather than my affair, so maybe that is progress??

[Naivewomen]

@Aloha how r u doing??

[Aloha123]

@Aloha how r u doing??

 

Well we are back to emailing again, unfortunately, but the volume has greatly diminished, and he's clearly not that into me anymore. So I suppose that is a good thing. And since I certainly won't be the one to ever make an effort or push to see him again, I doubt that will ever happen again (we live 100 miles apart).

 

And then, in conjunction with this, I have been spending quite a lot of time trying to figure out if my husband and I really should just get divorced at this juncture, so we can both move on to better things, even if for me that just means being on my own.

 

But having to mourn the demise of both relationships at the same time is not easy, though I really have nothing to blame for that except my own terrible decisions and judgment. Starting with agreeing to marry my husband in the first place (I think we both did so because we thought we "should"), all the way to the much worse and fatal error of thinking that having an affair with a happily married man would somehow make my life better.

Edited March 13, 2019 by Aloha123

[mark clemson]

Aloha, hopefully you'll stop. I'm 100% sure you already know better. You need to work on yourself and your life (whichever way you decide to go with it). You can't do that effectively with the emotional distraction. Don't lean on this anymore. Throw away the emotional crutch!

[Aloha123]

Aloha, hopefully you'll stop. I'm 100% sure you already know better. You need to work on yourself and your life (whichever way you decide to go with it). You can't do that effectively with the emotional distraction. Don't lean on this anymore. Throw away the emotional crutch!

 

Thank you for your vote of confidence Mark. I have never understood the dynamics of a situation so well and yet felt so powerless to act upon those insights.

[PhoenixRising8]

Hi Aloha. I've tried to PM you but it isn't showing n my sent box. Let me know if you get the message.

[Naivewomen]

I can finally answer this clearer. It's a forever feeling of addiction recovery. When the thoughts swirl you have to stop them in their tracks and not forget to live your life. Don't waste the endless mind games you play to try and let it ALL GO!! It's mostly in our heads. The affair consumes all thoughts and focus. I have started to see and watch my family interact and can see amazing loving children. I see that my H and I made that happen. I am eternally grateful because I didnt destroy their lives.

[LIRR88]

I don’t know but when you guys find out please let me know. I keep praying and trying to keep myself distracted but inside I feel a terrible void. I make the awful mistake of reading all our old emails, back when we were fine, and it gets me all emotional. I tell myself it’s ok to cry, and to grieve, and to be angry. It just sucks when you’re suffering alone. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but a part of me is so mad that he gets to go back to his life unscathed, unbothered, while I’m practically dying inside. They say time heals all wounds, we shall see

[mark clemson]

It just sucks when you’re suffering alone.

 

This is true. Try spending time with friends. You don't have to tell them about your situation, just do other stuff with them. Definitely not a cure-all but believe it will help.

 

You could also try Tylenol (literally), just take care with the amount you take as people OD on that stuff commonly:

Tylenol and Acetaminophen: Can Painkillers Ease Emotional Pain? | Time

[jah526]

This is true. Try spending time with friends. You don't have to tell them about your situation, just do other stuff with them. Definitely not a cure-all but believe it will help.

 

You could also try Tylenol (literally), just take care with the amount you take as people OD on that stuff commonly:

Tylenol and Acetaminophen: Can Painkillers Ease Emotional Pain? | Time

 

Yes, this does work, as does Advil. Don’t think you can really OD on it, but long term use of it really does a number on your stomach. I was only taking one per day, but over at least a year. Ended up in urgent care one day with severe stomach pain. The doc told me to lay off the ibuprofen.

 

Nowadays I’m on a combo of Remeron, Ativan and baby aspirin.

[Amethyst68]

T/j

It is extremely easy to overdose on Tylenol (paracetamol in UK) and can cause permanent liver damage. Ibuprofen is another drug completely, it's an anti-inflammatory and should not be used by anyone with a history of stomach ulcers.

 

Be very careful when self medicating, people think these easy to get hold of drugs are not harmful but that's just not true.

 

End T/J

[ZBA]

How are my friends from this thread doing? I wanted to share something with you all.

 

Yesterday was one year since I arranged for that final goodbye dinner (without telling XMM that it was goodbye), to tie up loose ends for myself and move on. Which means, today is exactly 1 year to the day since I cut him off.

 

In one year, I have not slipped up even once, have not engaged with him in any way. When I first cut him off, he made a few weak, measly attempts to reach out casually, which hurt at the time. Even just a simple “hello” from him made it tough to stay silent—but somehow, I managed. And here I am a year later, unable to imagine EVER going back to him. Mind you, this was a man with whom at one point I’d shared talks of “always” and “forever.”

 

Today, my friends, was the last of the firsts. Some of the firsts without him hurt: first birthdays apart, first holidays, first anything that we shared together over the years. Seeing the first “couple-y” photo with the new gf hurt the most. Eventually tho, even that didn’t matter. As time passed and I continued to heal, I realized that more of these firsts had passed without me even realizing at the time—for instance, the first passing of our “anniversary” without us being in each other’s lives. That was months ago, and it only just occurred to me last week. When we were fully entwined in our affair, that was a date I used to count down to.

 

We do have numerous mutual friends, so I’m aware of some updates here and there. But they don’t faze me anymore. The one gf of mine who knows everything commented on how much “freer” I seem nowadays, and I agree. This gf of mine actually had a recent lunch with my XMM due to a work event. Within that convo he got pretty candid and told her how he “really screwed ZBA over” with his actions over the years. He asked her how I was doing, and she said, “Z is GREAT! Her life is so wonderful and such good things have been coming her way!” (Which is actually true.) He told her he was glad to hear that and that I deserved it. It was interesting to hear him express guilt and ask about me, but I mean, there’s still just no reason to ever reconnect with someone who was so toxic. It’s over.

 

With all the firsts behind me, including the first year of NC, I feel happiness and gratitude. Still working on myself, soul-searching, and striving to become the best version of myself possible. I wish you all the strength and resolve to do the same for yourselves—it will feel worse at first, but then so, so much better. I am living proof, and believe me, I faltered enough time to get here.

 

Hugs.

[Abetterme]

@ZBA - Thank you for chiming in and I am so happy to read your updates. What a liberating feeling it must all be. I’ve said it many times but your posts always give me hope.

 

I mentioned on another thread but I have been feeling set back the last few weeks. XMM made contact via a professional site. Seemingly harmless at first and I engaged in casual chatter. To my disappointment he moved very quickly into inappropriate territory. When he realized I wasn’t having it, he dropped a bomb about something in his life that he knew would effect me emotionally. And it did. While it was helpful to see his real motivations and even so far as to say “cruelty” with a mind game, it still hurt like hell.

 

I know the adage, no new contact equals no knew hurts, but was stupid enough to think I could respond kindly and that would be that. I have no desire to renter the A, but maybe I had in my mind I would receive some sort of closure or kindness in doing. Instead it just brought me sadness to see that I was really nothing in his eyes. I have been working hard to find happiness within myself and to put my energies into my M and making my husband happy as this brings me joy. I don’t understand why I let his view of me or treatment affect me at all. It is who he is, not me, but it has really set me off.

[FoundMyStrength]

For me, 2 years of strict no contact. When he came back after 2 years, I was stupid enough to reply. A few text messages later and he was gone again. So tack on a completely unnecessary extra 6 months.

 

It gets better. Day after day. Week after week. Until one day you go to sleep and realize you didn't think of him once that day. Then you'll know you've finally broken the addiction. He'll become a person you once knew instead of a 500 lb weight around your neck. You'll be free.

[heartwhole2]

How are things going Aloha? I saw your post on another thread about not wanting to hijack, so I thought I'd ask here.