leigh01 Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Hi - I am new here, but I stumbled across this looking for marriage advice. I don't really feel comfortable talking to my friends about this as it is embarrassing. My husband is completely disinterested in sex with me. When we were first married we had sex nightly, and often once at night and again in the morning. I am 33 and he is 42. For the past two years we have had sex maybe once every six to eight weeks. We have three children now and it is often hard to keep them in their own beds, etc. So I know we will not be having sex every night. I have gained maybe 5 - 10 pounds since having three kids. Everything might not be as firm, but I am by no means overweight. My husband has probably gained 80 pounds since we were married and he is pretty tall, but still its a lot of weight. So I don't know if that is part of his problem. Even when the kids are staying overnight with their grandparents we do not have sex. I know he is watching porn on almost a daily basis. I am getting really tired of being in this relationship and honestly its a deal breaker for me. I feel like I live with a room mate. He isn't even very helpful with the kids. I am working on my master's degree and working. He is frequently out of town for work so I do the majority of the child rearing. I am becoming extremely resentful. I have told him over, over and again that I am not happy with the relationship. And I am not happy with the porn use. If we were having sex maybe it would seem like less of a problem, but it just seems messed up. I am not sure what else to do? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Have you ever asked him to go to marriage counselling? What is his response when you tell him that you are unhappy? Have you told him in as many words that this may be the end of the marriage - if he doesn’t change his ways.. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 If he's masturbating daily, then he's interested in sex. The problem is that he's more interested in porn than in you. You say he goes away for work regularly. Do you trust he's not up to no good? Do you know for sure that he is where he says he is....and that he is who he says he's with? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Porn addiction and a lack of sex in the marriage usually go hand in hand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Great minds think alike! The questions asked by basil and cautiouslyoptimistic were also the questions that I wanted to ask. Interested to hear your response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 I have! I have told him multiple times and all he says is "we are not getting a divorce." Oh great, well that makes everything better. I have tried to get him into counseling just for himself. I don't think he sees it as "manly". If that makes sense. I have told him something has to change. I am basically stuck right now. I am in masters program that I have to complete a certain number of hours of work that I am not paid for. He does provide well for us financially. But I have told him over the next year I really want to work on things or I am going to leave. I have gotten to the point that I feel really badly about myself. I used to be a distance athlete so I have been training for a half marathon just to get out some frustration and get back to "fighting weight". I have encouraged him to go workout with me, etc. He never does. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 You know this has nothing to do with your weight, right? Five to ten pounds is not significant, and not unexpected for a woman after she has thee children and as she gets older... His decreasing ointerest in sex with you is not a reflection on you or your physical attractiveness. As for his comment that you are not getting a divorce - it only takes one person to file for divorce. When you have your finances in order, I would make an appointment with a lawyer and let him know... you don’t have to file but you could certainly call his bluff. That may get his attention... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Yes, in the industry he works in he travels to rural areas and cannot leave once he is out there due to the nature of his work. @basil67, you are completely right. That is also how I feel. I have told him if he is not interested in me anymore I would really like to know. I mean, he has traveled in the past for work to larger areas so who really knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 @BaileyB, I know that you are probably right. It just makes me feel like complete crap. I have also told him this about the divorce. I don't know why he seems to blow me off when I say this. I want to stay married and have an intact family unit but I also want to be happy. I feel like I am almost to the point where I don't care anymore. I can feel myself disconnecting and I know that isn't going to make anything better. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 In my youth, I dated a married woman about your age. She was also in a love-less, sex-less marriage. She confided in a mutual friend and that friend set us up, together. The sex was GREAT!! In addition we danced / traveled / went on various adventures and just had a blast. We both really enjoyed ourselves. Have you thought about taking on a lover?? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 In my youth, I dated a married woman about your age. She was also in a love-less, sex-less marriage. She confided in a mutual friend and that friend set us up, together. The sex was GREAT!! In addition we danced / traveled / went on various adventures and just had a blast. We both really enjoyed ourselves. Have you thought about taking on a lover?? Yeah, cause I’m sure her husband would love that. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 He may have gotten himself addicted to porn and have some trouble performing in the real world. It's an actual thing. Psychologists see it a lot, I've read. Sounds like it's not you. Him being overweight could be that he feels it would be hard for him to do it or feels self-conscious or something like that. But maybe he's just reached an age his sex drive has dropped, too, or a combination. Probably the less pressure you put on him, the better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I have also told him this about the divorce. I don't know why he seems to blow me off when I say this. ... because you never follow through. You ask him to go to counselling, he refuses, you leave it alone for a while until you ask again... rinse and repeat. It is the same with divorce... you threaten to end the marriage, but he says no and you never follow-through... after a while, the words have lost their meaning. I know that you want to keep your marriage, and I’m not saying that you should file for divorce tomorrow. It’s sad that you may have to see a lawyer to get his attention, but he is not taking you seriously right now because you are all talk and no action. In order to change the status quo, you seriously need to disrupt his comfort zone and his state of inertia. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 @Happy Lemming, as tempting as it might sound. I think it would hurt my family in the long run. If I had no children I would probably just go ahead and divorce but I feel like I owe it to them to keep trying, at least for now. The porn use along with the no sex it was angers me more than anything. Almost daily??? WTH. Who even has that kind of free time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 @BaileyB, I think you are right and that is my fault. I probably will have to do something drastic. When we have arguments, etc now. He always apologizes and says he will do better, but nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Yeah, cause I’m sure her husband would love that. Who cares what the husband thinks, he's got his porn and right hand or left. But I do understand the OP's response to my suggestion... What about an "open marriage"?? Let her do her thing and he can do his (whatever that may be)?? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Yeah, cause I’m sure her husband would love that. Probably not, but he already has a "lover", with she or even he readily available on his phone 24/7. Easy and convenient and he doesn't have to drag his increasingly fat ass anywhere. Minimal exertion. OP Porn has effectively stolen your husband away to a land of fantasy... He knows you are going nowhere so nothing needs to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 @preraph - Maybe you are right. If that is the case this may end up being a no go. I have put up with a lot of ridiculous crap, and I am not signing up for a porn addiction. I am going to ask him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I really hate to say that you should do something so drastic, especially because you have children and you don’t want to end your marriage. But, your husband does not seem to understand that there is a significant problem and he is not very motivated to improve the situation. He is seriously stuck, and obviously not motivated to change because he doesn’t think you are going anywhere... Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 @elaine567, you are right. I am not going any where right now. I feel like the stress of a divorce would derail my program and I am so close to finishing. My income will effectively double. I am not going to let this wreck this opportunity. But if it doesn't improve I will leave when I am done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 His weight could be a factor. He might have trouble getting connected, if you know what I mean. Or feel weird about it. I think you need to not argue but wait until you're calm OR after you just had sex and just ask him if his drive has dropped or if it's hard for him to do or if he's preferring porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I am working on my master's degree... I'd like to add "Kudos" to you for continuing your education. Way to go!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 @preraph, well he has gained weight but he isn't massive, lol. There is no "connection" issue, yet anyway. He has always watched porn, more than I would like and more than I realized at first. But it was not necessarily an issue, until we stopped having sex. But you may be right about the weight. I know it bothers him because he has said as much. Not related to sex, but he has said how upset he is with himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leigh01 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 @happy lemming, thanks! i am really enjoying my program, but it is time intensive. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 You say he goes away for work regularly. Do you trust he's not up to no good? Do you know for sure that he is where he says he is....and that he is who he says he's with? leigh01, I don't want to push you towards divorce any faster, but I'd guess basil's concern is more realistic than just porn use. The travel and minimum sex with you are both red flags. When I used to travel for work, my wife joked she needed to be "ready" the day I returned, something not the case with your spouse. He may have done the same financial calculations you have, and is simply buying time until you make more money. You should at least check the easily accessed things like cell phone records, looking for regular calls/texts to an unfamiliar number. You'd also want to determine if he's secretive with his phone or other devices. You'll want to protect yourself and know what you're up against, especially since you're still sleeping with him... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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