Author leigh01 Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 I have checked our cell phone records, etc., as I am the one who pays our bills and I have not noticed anything. But I do wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I have checked our cell phone records, etc., as I am the one who pays our bills and I have not noticed anything. But I do wonder. I have 3 phones and an iPad... not that I use them for cheating, but... And it wouldn't matter now, anyway... (personal snippet)... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 leigh01, Is your concern mainly with the porn and lack of sex, or the fact that he is not particularly engaged with you or the children when he is at home? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 (edited) Porn addiction and a lack of sex in the marriage usually go hand in hand. Nice pun BTW. I agree with the other posters....the porn has replaced you. Most likely due to the fact it is easier to deal with, than dealing with a mom to 3 children who is working on her masters degree and probably has very little time or energy for sex. BTW, how old are the kids...it sounds like she has a lot on her plate. Edited February 28, 2019 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 In my experience, most women have this crap attitude that men should have sex with them when they want, and it should be a reward in itself for him to please her. For a man, it just starts to feel like a job. You know I'm absolutely right, you're even coming to him, talking about his performance, and considering threatening him with termination if he doesn't perform better. You are his wife, not his boss. I'm not trying to be mean to you, because you probably need to be the boss around the house, but you can't boss a man into sexual intimacy. Lust is inspired, not demanded. Your job as his wife, is to make sure you serve his sexual needs. He's only allowed you, and you should aspire to make sure his orgasms are amazing, and that he gets everything he wants from you. He owes you nothing, this is something you have to want to do on your own accord, because you love him, and want him to have happiness. You will never repair your intimacy issues unless you adopt this attitude, and truly believe in it. It's going to take time to repair things. If he wants to watch porn, join him, tell him that you don't think he should have to please himself. Jerk him, blow him, whatever he wants. After a while, he'll get back in the game, and be excited to take care of someone who puts him first. All happy marriages have two people, and both see it as their job to take care of the other. There is no other secret to happy marriages. Dedication to making someones life the best, and having it returned, is the best thing in life. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Is your husband on any medications? I know some blood pressure medication can cause difficulties with erections. Watching porn and masterbating doesn't require a full erection. Erectile dysfunction can be difficult for men to handle and communicate. So much of our manhood is connected to our penis. At 42 his interest in sex in general has diminished. One of the cruel jokes of life, men lose sexual interest at a time when most women reach their sexual peaks. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Your job as his wife, is to make sure you serve his sexual needs. He's only allowed you, and you should aspire to make sure his orgasms are amazing, and that he gets everything he wants from you. He owes you nothing, this is something you have to want to do on your own accord, because you love him, and want him to have happiness. You will never repair your intimacy issues unless you adopt this attitude, and truly believe in it. Boy, I'll let women speak for themselves, but I don't even like what this says about men. I want a partner in life, intimacy included, not someone acting out of obligation. You present men as unable or unneeding to hold up their end of the bargain... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Boy, I'll let women speak for themselves... It’s hardly worthy of a response, because it’s such an antiquated view of marital roles and relationships... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 Boy, I'll let women speak for themselves, but I don't even like what this says about men. I want a partner in life, intimacy included, not someone acting out of obligation. You present men as unable or unneeding to hold up their end of the bargain... Mr. Lucky I never said a woman is obligated. I said that a woman who wants monogamy, should aspire to please her husband the best she can because she wants to. This is a two way street as well. See, I've been the man in this scenario, and have rejected sex with women, and have never been rejected for sex. The reason is that I put my focus on my wife's pleasure. However, after a while, if it's not reciprocated, I start fulfilling my own needs, which means I'm choosing to masturbate instead of seek sex. Why, because as much as I love pleasuring her, selfishness is the biggest turn off ever. The OP sees it as her husbands obligation to please her, which it isn't. Basically, I'm suggesting that if she wants to her husband to desire her, then maybe it needs to start with learning to want to please him, and to stop being a hypocrite. Link to post Share on other sites
Liv_m Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 Im on a similar situation. No sex, he's gained weight and I suspect is online as well. I pay bills, take care of our baby and I'm not sure what he's for! I dont get much of an explination from him. I'm not sure he wants to try and fix it, do you get much communication from your partner? I've wondered if its me, if its stress, erectile dysfunction, closet homosexual! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 Basically, I'm suggesting that if she wants to her husband to desire her, then maybe it needs to start with learning to want to please him, and to stop being a hypocrite. It sounds like the OP would love to have the opportunity to please her husband. He won't put his computer and rosy palm down long enough to let it happen. I get two forms of sexual pleasure from my wife. One is the mind-blowing orgasms she helps provide me. And the second is the happiness I get from providing the same for her. There's nothing hypocritical about wanting my relationship to provide both rewards... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) Hi - I am new here, but I stumbled across this looking for marriage advice. I don't really feel comfortable talking to my friends about this as it is embarrassing. [...] Since the situation bothers you so much, I think you should talk to your husband. People here can suggest many possibilities but there is no substitute for an open discussion about the problem with your husband. There are many possible explanations for your husband's lack of wanting sex with you. Only discussing them with him in an non-accusatory atmosphere can shed light on the issue. If he you fail to get any straight answers from him, then that may warrant looking into this on your own. (Who knows, he may be unfaithful. But it could be that he has erectile dysfunction and is too embarrassed to admit it.) Your situation highlights the difficulty involved in trying to live up to the modern ideal of marriage where one person is supposed to be *everything* for you for the rest of your life, and conversely, you are supposed to be able to offer them everything. It can be a very tall order to maintain sexual interest in one partner from young adulthood into old age while living with them and coping with all the stresses of life. In reality, marriage is the most unromantic thing in existence. Where is the romance in looking after small children with a stomach bug with one throwing up every quarter of an hour for the whole night? As for familiarity, it tends to breed contempt. That is not merely a quip but a literal truth, albeit a partial one. We all have our shortcomings and less than admirable traits and if they really rub our spouse the wrong way, having them exposed to them for decades may not be conducive to warm feelings. I think your best course of action is try your best to get your husband to discuss the problem openly in an accepting atmosphere since you don't know if he's cheating on you. Also, you can't force him to want you. If you want him to want, you might benefit from discussing sexual needs of both of you in an atmosphere as loving and accepting as possible. Men are not machines. Your husband may want something from you he hasn't even had the courage to even bring up with you. I don't think your situation is necessarily beyond salvaging. But open communication is key. Edited March 4, 2019 by AMarriedMan Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 I have checked our cell phone records, etc., as I am the one who pays our bills and I have not noticed anything. But I do wonder. Burner phones are common and so are "cheating" apps as well as work emails, and spare lap tops. Go on the hunt for a burner/laptop. One guy spent a lot of his time "working" in the garage "fixing things", guess where his wife found his burner phone?... Cheaters can be clever, you need to try and second guess them. Assume nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Your job as his wife, is to make sure you serve his sexual needs. He's only allowed you, and you should aspire to make sure his orgasms are amazing, and that he gets everything he wants from you. He owes you nothing, this is something you have to want to do on your own accord, because you love him, and want him to have happiness. You will never repair your intimacy issues unless you adopt this attitude, and truly believe in it. Dafug did I just read....? Lots of us have great sex in our marriages without needing to adopt "advice" that reads as if it was inscribed in 2000 BC on a ****ing stone slab, lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Hi Leigh, may I ask what the state of your marriage is, holistically speaking? Is it a good and happy marriage generally except for the aspect of sex or do you two have problems in other areas of your marriage too? Also, how long have you been married and what are the ages of your children? Was having children a mutual decision or were you or your husband the only one who wanted kids? Do you think the age difference between you and your husband has anything to do with the lack of compatibility between you two? I would also like to suggest that it may be possible that your husband may have low levels of testosterone and this may be leading to a state of low libido for him. His excessive ise of porn seems to suggest that this may be a possibility. Others have brought up the point about ED and this could be a sore point with him. Is there a chance that he is diabetic? These are just some things to ponder on. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 It is a very common problem and although it's said to be treatable , from everything I heard, it rarely improves. You only have two options: stay or leave. Neither one look particularly attractive to be honest. If you stay, you have to accept sex once every 6 weeks, and possibly getting even worse over the years, to end up with no sex at all. If you leave, of course, only after you can earn enough to be a single mom of three kids, it's not going to be fun either. It's going to be very hard to date as a single mom of 3. But, you'll be able to have lots of sex with different men. Not good sex necessarily, I'd rather say the majority will be rather bad or mediocre, but you'll definitely be able to have as much sex as you want. I'm sorry, it really suc*s 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 If I had no children I would probably just go ahead and divorce but I feel like I owe it to them to keep trying This is the trap people, but especially women get into. You feel you "owe" it to your family to keep trying, but does he? Clearly not, as you've communicated your feelings and frustrations multiple times and he doesn't care to try or make you happier. He's making no effort to keep your or your family together. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 This is the trap people, but especially women get into. You feel you "owe" it to your family to keep trying, but does he? Clearly not, as you've communicated your feelings and frustrations multiple times and he doesn't care to try or make you happier. He's making no effort to keep your or your family together. You’re right but really, with three kids , how great would it be and how likely to find happiness and sexual bliss with another? It would be tough. Even if she finds someone, blended family , challenges , the new man will not be perfect at all I can tell you that because there is no perfect person and perfect relationship. It’s a very tough situation. If no kids, sure , you can start over, you only have yourself to consider. Sometimes people say divorce more as a punishment for he perpetrator, but the question isn’t how to punish him but what would be the best chance for happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 I know it bothers him because he has said as much. Not related to sex, but he has said how upset he is with himself. I have told him over, over and again that I am not happy with the relationship. And I am not happy with the porn use. I think there's a good chance that he suffers from shameful feelings, both for the weight gain and the porn use. When people feel this way it's hard for them to find their confidence, which means it's hard to be vulnerable. Then you express your dissatisfaction with him, sex becomes a scary place. This builds barriers... to intimacy, vulnerability, sex. Viewing porn and masturbating is safe. It doesn't require him to be vulnerable to the person he most wants to respect him, but is likely to judge him harshly. I suspect his avoidance of sex could be because he doesn't feel accepted, affirmed. Sometimes women don't realize what they're doing to a man when they express things in a certain way. Link to post Share on other sites
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