darkmoon Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 (edited) but her suggestions come out as slightly angry harsh-tone commands, so much so I learned to say "don't decide this for me", which felt easy and factual, which is when she said "they are suggestions" I am 66 she is 50s - she is affecting me badly now with her harsh tone from a close friend that she was, it is an unexpected attack, I am lumbered with seeing her in my group.... I am her idiot-pet.... adopted and chained.... randomly picked at I will stick to saying "don't decide this for me"....but I am aware that she want to feel/be better than me, competitive... venting here.... I think I will do some "suggesting" of my own Edited February 28, 2019 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 but her suggestions come out as slightly angry harsh-tone commands, Tell her, "If they are just your suggestions, then don't bark them at me as if they're commands!" (in a serious, commanding tone.) Or, tell her, "Thank you, but I'll ask when I want your suggestion...and then give it courteously, please." Also, learn to not feel 'attacked' when people are rude to you or use angry-harsh tones on you. You're only her adopted, chained, idiot-pet every time that you think and tell yourself that you are, and every time that you let her get away with her treating you like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 what is wrong with giving her a dose of her own medicine? just explain that... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I agree...give her a dose of her own medicine -- that's exactly why I said to talk to her in a serious, commanding tone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 what is wrong with giving her a dose of her own medicine? just explain that... Two wrongs don't make a right... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 True. But demonstrating to people how they're coming across, so that they can also feel the impact, isn't 'wrong'. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 True. But demonstrating to people how they're coming across, so that they can also feel the impact, isn't 'wrong'. And if the woman in question is a girlfriend, I would 100% agree with you, but I made the assumption she is OP's wife. "Do you want to be right or happy?" - Author unknown Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 And if the woman in question is a girlfriend, I would 100% agree with you, but I made the assumption she is OP's wife. OP is a woman. I think this is just a friendship she's talking about. My mom's twin is very much like this with my mom. It's not really in my mom's nature to "give it right back to her." It definitely can be really frustrating having to be around someone like this, but I'll tell you what I don't understand also about my mom.....just choose to not spend so much time together! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 OP is a woman. I think this is just a friendship she's talking about. Oh... my bad. Then I revise my suggestion, dissolve the friendship. No reason to put up with this. Thanks "CautiouslyOptimistic" for the clarification! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 "Do you want to be right or happy?" - Author unknownBut, can anyone be happy feeling like one's partner's "idiot-pet...adopted and chained...randomly picked at"? In any case, OP said, "I am lumbered with seeing her in my group," which does not suggest a romantic partner/spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 Just be honest with her, if she's that harsh with other people she should expect the same in return. Tell her you don't appreciate her tone and that it is affecting your friendship. If she continues treating you that way then emotionally distance yourself from her even if you still have to be around her. It's a difficult and sad thing, but sometimes we have to end relationships when they are no longer in our best interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 In any case, OP said, "I am lumbered with seeing her in my group," which does not suggest a romantic partner/spouse. Yes... my assumption that the individual was a partner was incorrect. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 You have to speak up and set boundaries. Do it firmly but not angrily. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 I don't know what is going on here from the original post. Are you a hen-pecked husband? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 what is wrong with giving her a dose of her own medicine? just explain that... She won't recognise that you're giving her a dose of her own medicine. She will learn nothing and the behaviour won't reflect well on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 and the behaviour won't reflect well on you. How does being assertive and standing up for oneself not reflect well on oneself? (I get that the terminology 'give them a dose of their own medicine', and the thoughts-emotions behind that attitude, are not the highest that can be reached, but, at least it is the baby-step to assertiveness, whether or not the other person gets it.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 I don't know what is going on here from the original post. Are you a hen-pecked husband? I was confused, as well alphamale. The original poster is a woman who is having difficulties with another woman friend. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 How does being assertive and standing up for oneself not reflect well on oneself? (I get that the terminology 'give them a dose of their own medicine', and the thoughts-emotions behind that attitude, are not the highest that can be reached, but, at least it is the baby-step to assertiveness, whether or not the other person gets it.) Giving one a dose of their own medicine is aggressive and the only outcome is more negativity. Assertiveness is a positive approach designed to solve the problem without making it worse. I can't see how aggressively can be remotely connected to learning how to use assertiveness in solving problems. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 (edited) How does being assertive and standing up for oneself not reflect well on oneself? (I get that the terminology 'give them a dose of their own medicine', and the thoughts-emotions behind that attitude, are not the highest that can be reached, but, at least it is the baby-step to assertiveness, whether or not the other person gets it.) Being assertive in response to a problem would reflect very well on the OP. But let's be clear that assertiveness involves a thoughtful response designed to improve communication, solve a problem and recognises everyone's needs. Giving one a dose of their own medicine is not assertive. It's aggressive and retaliatory. All it would demonstrate is that the OP is no better than the one she complains about. It's got it's uses if she never needs to see this person again....but as they are both part of a group, a thoughtful approach is warranted. Edited March 2, 2019 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Giving one a dose of their own medicine is aggressiveAlready addressed the terminology, basil67. An assertive tone is NOT the same as an aggressive tone. However, if you think about it rationally and reasonably, "doing unto others as they do unto you" is still not actually, inherently aggressive. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Already addressed the terminology, basil67. An assertive tone is NOT the same as an aggressive tone. However, if you think about it rationally and reasonably, "doing unto others as they do unto you" is still not actually, inherently aggressive. Perhaps change the word 'aggressive' to 'negative'. It's probably only going to further exacerbate the situation. I can't offer anything else. All I can say is that I'd never use this technique towards someone who I needed to be on good terms with. Link to post Share on other sites
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