GF (30F) and I (31M) are having a cool down period. How do I convince her I will be a

[arina]

Basically long story short, my girlfriend and I is in the midst of a 3 weeks cooling period. Our relationship has been on the rocks and she is now considering if she wants to continue this relationship or not. Both of us are raised in a single parents family so we have our issue growing up. Now we both live in a conservative Asian country where single parents family is not a common thing. She has low self esteem and I have terrible insecurity.

 

Now I will just summarise the problem that we faced in our relationship cause I suck in typing in paragraphs.

 

• When we quarrel, she's the kind that would take a step back and leave me be. Her reason is so that she could cool herself down to prevent saying things she don't mean it. For me, that triggers my insecurity. I would accuse her for ignoring me and not caring about how I feel. These words hurt her. This is the biggest issue that cost this relationship to go down. My inability to stop my emotions from controlling me.
   
  
• A lot of time my jokes indirectly hurt her without my realising it. And sometimes, she tried to keep it all to herself because she felt it wasn't justified and it got accumulated in her.
   
  
• Most of my closest friend are female and this is something she struggle to accept. These are friends I have known since I was 7. I have very close guy friends but they are all married with kids so we don't hang out that much now. There's one incident that she told me affected her a lot. It was at a potluck dinner in one of my female friends house. My gf and I were cooking a stew in the kitchen over at the friend's house. We couldn't agree if the stew needed more seasoning or not so I took a spoonful of sauce and asked my friend to taste it for us. The thing is that I tried to feed her but she stopped me and took the spoon to taste it herself. I did all these in front of my girlfriend without even realizing this would deeply hurt her. She only brought this up after we quarreled several days later.
   
  
• She hates me being addicted to my phone. I spend a lot of time on my phone. On my work, on reddit, on instagram. It has become a habit of me to be glued to my phone sometimes when I have nothing to do. She felt we could have spend more time together talking with each other. Which I think we did. A lot of time I would show her interesting things I found on Reddit.
   
  
• We are both devoted Christians. However, during my relationship with her, I kinda strayed away from being devoted and take religion casually. She felt like we are not on the right page but during this cool down period, I find myself going back to God and church for comfort again. So I guess this is also a reminder from God. I know how does it sound to non believers so yeah, no here to debate about religion.
  

 

Despite all these differences, I love this girl to bits. This is someone who I want to spend my lifetime with. I know how ironic it sounds because I was the one who pushed her away. Supposedly this cooling period is a no-contact period. She wanted the both of us to quiet down our mind and reevaluate if we still wanted to go on together or not. But Sunday, I met her at the church and we had a long talk about what each of us is doing during this period. Our conversations turn to our relationship. This time, she was more willing to let everything issue that affected her out. We agreed to fix ourselves first before meeting up again in mid-of March to decide on the relationship.

 

Last night, we manage to talk on the phone. She admitted she misses me but she has this fear that she would get hurt again if she goes back to me. I assured her I have seen how toxic I am towards her in the past and have taken steps to seek for counseling. I told her that I have no rights but I told her to control her thoughts. It is easy to let negativity consume your thoughts but what she should do is to look at the positive side of picture. I asked her to give this relationship a bit more time so that she could see that I am trying to change for the better of us. I mean I see my problem. I realise my biggest problem is insecurity. I am committed to change myself. I told her I have all these guilt, regrets and insecurity in me which I could be drowning in them. Instead of feeding my sorrows and unworthiness, I have to forgive myself, get back into shape and think forward to fix the problem and to become a better person and partner in the future. But I am worried that she would let all this negativity consume herself thinking that its gonna be the same anyway.

 

We agreed to have minimal contact after last night. I asked her if she felt better talking and expressing all the past issues to me. She admit that she felt better and agreed it is fine for us be talking on the phone every now and then. She would be leaving to another city for 10 days for her best friend wedding and she would meet me when she is back. Then she would let me know if she is willing to continue in this relationship. I even had thoughts to fly over and surprise her on the wedding night itself.

 

I would welcome any suggestion or advise on how or what I can do or say to convince her that I would not waste another chance from her. Some of the steps I will be doing:

 

1. Seek counselling or therapy session together with her.
    
   
2. Getting a spiritual mentor for the both of us.
    
   
3. More prayers together before we get into heated quarrels or serious discussion.
    
   
4. Couple devotions so let us understand each other deeper.
    
   
5. More transparency in the relationship. Weekly relationship evaluation where we talk about things we like or dislike and how can we do better next week.
   

 

tldr: Was a terrible boyfriend and now in the midst of cooling down period as gf is unsure of continuing this relationship or not. I need suggestion or advise to show her that I realise the problem and committed to change all these.

[d0nnivain]

TL/DR

 

If you need couples counseling to date, just break up. That level of incompatibly suggests that you should not be together. Dating is finding out if you fit, if you work together.

 

Her need for space which triggers your insecurity suggests a lifetime of living hell for you both if you stay together.

 

Break up. Go your separate ways. You get IC to deal with your insecurities & let her do what she needs to do. It doesn't make either of you bad people It just means you are not the perfect partners for each other.

 

In time you will mature out of your phone addiction habit & drift from your female friends. When you find the right partner, you will lose interest in both the phone & the friends. She's just not the right partner.

 

Dating is all about figuring out what works. You figured out this doesn't work. Now stop trying to force it.

[BaileyB]

I agree. You may “love” this woman but you don’t sound very compatible.

 

Relationships really shouldn’t be this hard. When you decide that you need a cooling off phase, that shows that your relationship is not meant to be.

[Ronni_W]

Some of the steps I will be doing:

 

1. Seek counselling or therapy session together with her.
   
2. Getting a spiritual mentor for the both of us.
   
3. More prayers together before we get into heated quarrels or serious discussion.
   
4. Couple devotions so let us understand each other deeper.
   
5. More transparency in the relationship. Weekly relationship evaluation where we talk about things we like or dislike and how can we do better next week.
   

Those are NOT steps that you will be doing, but that you have (unilaterally?) decided for her, that she has to do, as well -

- you've decided to put it on her and make it a 'couples thing' instead of just you making your own steps on your own individual road to self-discovery and healing.

[d0nnivain]

[*]More transparency in the relationship. Weekly relationship evaluation where we talk about things we like or dislike and how can we do better next week.

 

You two are supposed to have a romance.

 

This reads like a performance evaluation plan (PIP) for somebody about to get fired from their job. Way to suck all the fun out of being together. If you have to do that you are doomed

 

A good healthy relationship isn't this much work. It is work & there are times it will be harder then others but jeeeze . .

[David33]

You're doing what you need to do to show her that you're trying to change. Agree to the limited contact and let it run its course. If it doesn't then do NC and move on. GL

[Highndry]

...I even had thoughts to fly over and surprise her on the wedding night itself...

 

 

This is an absolutely horrible idea. DO NOT do this.

[preraph]

You say your "jokes" upset her. Here's why. Because everyone knows that if it comes out of your mouth, it was in your brain first and you were thinking it -- so it's not a joke, no matter how many times you say "Only joking" or "I didn't mean it." You said it and you thought it. So stop the barbs! It's an obnoxious habit and runs people off.

 

Yes, perhaps couples counseling would help or you getting into individual counseling. Good luck.