It's not so easy

[MyManCantletgo]

This is for all the people that say that an abuseive relationship is not healthy and they should get out of it. No one can tell you to get out off a abusive relationship unless they have been in one because if you have been in one then you will know it is a hard thing to get out of. You would only know that If you have been in one I just read a thread about a woman that has been in her relationship for 6 yrs and finally had to get out after years of abuse how long do yu think the abuse went on for alot longer then I think she would like to admit. I am currently in a abusive relationship and I love him for him and I understand that the abuse is not his fault all the way he has aproblem yes I will be the first to admit it but it is being controlled and tamed with anger management and domestic Violence classes I know that it is extreamely hard to just up and leave I have gone from being choked in front of my 1 month old to going to 4 diffrent jobs with a black eye. Everyone at work would say your stupid why don't you just leave? And go where? I would ask, how about I stay at your house (No) I didn't think so, so unless you have a underground railroad for my exscape why are you passing judgement? Your to beautiful to have to go through this! They would say, but abuse knows no looks it can happen to anyone. What is abuse only for the UGLY? Well you can't love yourself or your daughter if you let him beat on you! They would say, No it is that I have to much love that is the reason that I stay I would say. But only the abused can make thechoice as to when enough is enough. I love my man but he has to want ot change not have someone to change him. If you are abused I highly recommend talking to someone you know will not pass judgement for you don't need to have someone telling you something you already know but are to afriad to admit you already know. Leaving is only if you can't see through the uglyness of the partner that is abusive and know that he or she can't be helped or they are to far gone to help them selves. But I feel if you have just a smigin of hope thrive on that and anything is possiable if you nurture it with love. Example: What about the dogs that you get from the pound that have been abused and need a good home sure they are scared of you for the first couple of months but eventually they come around and learn to love agian and you show them that eveyone is not bad well I think you have to do that with your abuser for the only reason they act like that is because unfrortunely they had been abused as well and if you want it to stop you have to help make it stop if you truly love the person your with caring and kindness they will see the error in they ways and have no choice but to change. Just kill them with kindness that is what I always say.

[RainyDayWoman]

putting up with this and hoping for the best seems like a great way to enable your abuser and to get yourself hurt.

 

sure, it's your choice, but it would be wise to separate yourself and see if the abuser can change, not just keep taking it for now and hope that it ends tomorrow.

 

dogs are not humans. dogs are animals, and animals do not have the ability to reason. this is the huge difference between animals and people, and why people should know better, because they do know better.

 

as for your other post, you cheated on him anyway. so why are you in this relationship? why? and how is cheating "killing him with kindness?"

 

i am forced to wonder whether these posts are legitimate.

[RainyDayWoman]

as for your other post, you cheated on him anyway. so why are you in this relationship? why? and how is cheating "killing him with kindness?"

 

i am forced to wonder whether these posts are legitimate.

 

 

*** i tried to edit my post, but LS obviously has a few things to work out and it didn't show up. so here.

[Maria46]

i am forced to wonder whether these posts are legitimate.

 

 

 

Where did this abuse come from? I read that she just wanted to cheat on her bf from the other posts.

[submart]

Miss,

There are domestic violence shelters in many cities and towns. You can stay up to a few months in some of them, and they will help you to get back on your feet. There are options available to you. Please visit http://www.rainn.org to find a shelter near you.

 

If you choose to remain in the relationship than so be it. But you don't HAVE to.

[Merin]

I haven't read your other threads regarding cheating on your BF:confused:

 

Anyway..

 

Your Orginal (and I guess I should note only post on this one) was difficult to read without wondering what the hell are you thinking about.. While it may be true that an abuser was once abused that does NOT excuse the behaviour OR make it okay.

 

Second, you've said you Love your Abuser "For him" what exactly does that mean? What about him do you love? Yeah it's a hard question to answer when you're in an abusive relationship I know.. and I also know you feel you MUST come up with something in order to justify doing nothing, and maintaining the status quo because I've been there.

 

When people say to you love yourself and love your daughter to get out, there is zero way I'm buying that the issues is (and the reason you stay in the abusive relationship) that you love to much.. IMO it is that you FEAR not at all the same as LOVE.

 

Stating that you wonder IF the people who tell you to get out are going to allow you to stay with them and then reasoning that's why you stay in an abusive relationship (because who's going to pay your bills) is a weak excuse at best... AND it is also putting responsibilty for how YOU will live on other people..

 

I'm not in any way saying that leaving an abuser is easy, nor without fear.. but I am saying that making excuses for your abuser is wrong, encouraging others to just try harder and love better somehow is also wrong, and doing nothing to change things for your own children is IMO very wrong.

 

There is help out there.. it's finding the courage to accept change.

[Craig]

Phhhttt! (<---Craig spitting)

 

Puh-leeze do not try and suggest that you or I or anyone can change an abuser by "killing them with kindness!" It can be one of the hardest things to leave an abuser but often that is the only way to survive.

 

So what if the abuser was abused as a child? Does that give them the right to use you (or maybe your daughter someday) as a punching bag? I don't think so! You need to grow a backbone woman and start thinking about your future not your abusers future. If you need to, you start by taking baby steps to help yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

If you are getting abused you need to call a domestic violence center and talk to an advocate or counsellor to get some help and not be having an affair on your abuser with the sick idea of getting revenge on him.

[whichwayisup]

I have to say that I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

Yes, only you can decide when it's enough. But, you have children in the picture who see wtf he's doing to you. So, it's not just your life he's screwing up, it's the little kids.

 

Get some therapy, it will help you cope, get stronger, gain confidence in yourself and one day when that time comes when you can stand up and say ENOUGH, and leave, IT will be the best choice in your life. For you and your children.

 

There are places to go. Women's shelters, family, friends. I'm sure any of your closest friends would allow you to stay with them. Epecially family!!! The women's shelters are safe, that's why they're there. The security is there for protection too.

 

I have to say though, you are seeing things one way and with blinders on. Yes, you love him but love shouldn't hurt the way you're feeling it. That isn't right! You can justify his actions all you want but he is in the wrong. There are no excuses for his behaviour.

 

Sorry for your pain and I do hope someday, sooner rather than later, you find the courage to leave him. And please, don't be afraid to call 911 if you need to.

[Craig]

Have a look at these links about leaving your abuser and intimate murder. Your local domestic violence center should be able to do a lethality assessment and give you a better idea how much danger you are in.

 

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

 

http://groups.msn.com/INTIMATEMURDERAREYOUNEXT/introductiontointimatemurderareyounext.msnw

[Con's_Gucci_Girl]

I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. I know how you feel it is very very very hard to leave! I knew I had to leave though because it wasn't normal.

 

I opened my eyes when I was severely beaten and got a concusion (spelling). I was thrown around and hit my head with tremendous force and had a long wound that required 10 staples! There was blood everywhere! It looked like I was in a murder scene!

 

I have 2 kids with him and I just had to do it for the kids. I couldn't do it anymore... I just couldn't do it, enough was enough!

 

Things were good in the beginning but little slaps here and there lead to verbal abuse and eventually full blown physical abuse. If I had let it go longer, either he or I would've been killed by the hands of our own.

 

I am telling you, it is hard, I know, but you gotta think about your kids! They need their mother... there is nothing more special to a child then their mother. What do you think those kids would deal with had the guy you're with choked you just a little bit harder and a little bit longer???

 

There is a think line between being choked and dying! It is a scary thing! I was also choked earlier on in the relationship. I scratched his face to get him off of me and I called the police, I was arrested because I had no visible marks. So I don't trust the cops anymore... not saying that you shouldn't, but I had to do something for myself if they weren't going to do it for me.

 

But like I was saying, there is a think line between being choked and dying... just the right amount of force and the right amount of time and you're dead.

 

Don't be naive, don't think that your relationship won't get any worse... it will! Even if he's getting help, sometimes that doesn't help.

 

Please sweetheart, take it from a woman who's been there before, I know it's hard, but think about your kids and what is the best for them... they need you!

 

Don't feel sorry for him, YOU'RE the victim here, not him! I know you think you love him, but sweety, love shouldn't feel like that. Love is when the other person respects you, when they adore you and would PROTECT you from harm, NOT cause it.

[Argentina]

I have read both your stories about your abusive relationship and your affair.

May I ask, are you still having the affair?

I have just separated from my husband (it may have been my thread you read about us being together for 6 years). The abuse with my husband has been going on for 3 years and the temptation to succumb to someone outside of my marriage has been huge. I am in no means condoning this, but I have some understanding of how an abusive relationship can lead you down this path. In my experience the abuse gradually eats away at you emotionally. Very gradually wearing down the feelings you have for your partner/husband. I didn't realise this at first, but I certainly do now. I think being in an abusive relationship takes away the feeling of security. You never know when the next incident is going to happen. Consequently, attention by someone else and the possibility of some good feelings with them becomes very enticing.

A year ago I accepted that I was in an abusive relationship but decided that I would just put up with it. Mainly for financial and lifestyle reasons. However, another year down the track and something snapped inside of me one day and I decided "enough was enough". There are some good counsellors out there that will not force you into making a decision. Simply just work through all the different options and help you understand why you feel the way you do. I finally worked out that ultimately he had to take the initiative and responsibility for his abusive behaviour. There may be other problems in our relationship relating to communication etc that we both need to work on, but the abusive outbursts are purely his responsibility. I also went through the stage of believing that giving lots of love and support would change him. Unfortunately that did not work. I think the process you are going through is quite natural and ultimately you must make your own decisions. You may find as your child gets older that you view some things quite differently, then again, you may not. The important thing is that the choice you make now and the choices you make later are made because you feel in control of the situation and fully understand what you are dealing with. My advice is don't allow yourself to be scared by him. Reaffirm to him when he does abuse you that you will not tolerate that type of behaviour. I found that by using this strategy I felt good about myself and in control of my destiny.

[lynnered]

"This is for all the people that say that an abuseive relationship is not healthy and they should get out of it. No one can tell you to get out off a abusive relationship unless they have been in one because if you have been in one then you will know it is a hard thing to get out of"

i was in one my 1st relationship&yes i will tell people to get out i was with him 3years 10months ,i was young,had no one to help me.

im not saying it was easy ,i dont have children with him(or anybody else:p ),i didnt have any friends anymore,cause he said they were all whores &wouldnt let me go out with them.

so what its not easy ?

when realization hits that this is not healthy get the He!! out!

hes not going to change then U need to be the one to make the change by leaving.

and if U dont Ur showing him its OK everytime he hit me &then its never going to happen again ,kept happening over & over again .

there are shelters ,programs,welfare ,U can get daycare vouchers ,U can get help U choose to have this fantasy he will change ,U cannot save him.

and Ur child how good is this for him or her ?

i saw my father beat my mother at a young age ,then i was in a abusive relationship,i have had no relationship that has been healthy!!

i am in therapy my therapist believes something about my childhood leads me to feel i am undeserving of a healthy relationship,do U want this for Ur child ?

U can get out !u choose to see it as U cant!

would u like him to kill U one day & raise Ur child alone Or when he decides to use child as punching bag ?what are U going to do "kill him with kindness"

[Con's_Gucci_Girl]

The difference here is that there are kids involved and in your situation there weren't any kids. When you have kids with someone, it makes a world of difference and makes it even MORE difficult to leave because you never know the outcome of the kids being with one parent or the other. If court systems are invovled, who knows who the judge will award the kids to. Just cuz there is abuse, it's a judges word against yours.

 

If I didn't have kids with my ex I would've left him in the drop of a dime. But my kids do love him as much as they love me and many times when there are children involved, a woman will often second guess leaving. I know it sounds stupid, but really, if you don't have kids, don't tell ask us, "what's so hard about it?" you just have no idea.

 

I went through lots and lots of counseling to get where I am today. I learned so much about myself and that I AM/WAS the victim.

 

My ex would constantly tell me over and over to get over the abuse he caused on me and to "moved on" with him as if nothing happened. Later on in our relationship I started fighting back. If he came after me I would punch him in the face. He choked me once and I scratched his face, called the cops, and the so-called "trustworthy" cops arrested ME! I don't even trust them in my town anymore. So that just gave my ex the power to use that arrest against me. I heard it is very common though for the woman to get arrested when they ask for help.

 

My ex made me feel such hatred that I had never felt before. After our last fight, I wished he were dead. I hated him so much! I couldn't beleive I let someone like that make my heart turn black. I hated him so much that I didn't even know how to love anymore. I was frustrated and felt bad because ,y kids were getting the worst of me. I wasn't abusing them physically, but I didn't show them the love they deserved.

 

That's when I knew it was time to leave. My kids didn't deserve that. My counseling has helped, but I still fear for my life. I fear that he will show up when I get off work and kill me. That's how terrified I am of the creep.

 

Also, someone said something about wanting to find another lover while in the abusive relationship.... I have to relate to that one as well, I was "seeking" that love I was lacking and found myself "in-love" with everyman that found me attractive. I knew that, that wasn't normal either, but typical in these situations because of the lack of affection and caring.

[borken_doll18]

i personally believe that you should leave, not for your sake but for your baby!

how would you feel if that happend to him/her in the future, he/ she s going to think that this is normal!.

there is plenty of abuse shelters etc for you to go to while you sort something out. you can still contact them even if you dont want to leave they will support you through this difficut time.

you cant live in hope that they are going to change, all it takes is a slap in the wrong place and your child is left with out a mother, then how is your child going to feel when they find out it was "daddys fault"?. im sorry this is so blunt but i believe it needed to be said. i have strong views on domestic violence and YES I HAVE BEEN THERE AND THIS COMING FROM THE HEART!!!: