Husband Said He Doesn't Want to Be Married Anymore.

[Queen of Hearts]

It’s been a decade since I have posted here.

 

So many things have changed.

 

I re-married in 2015 and am struggling in my new marriage.

 

I have known him since 2006. We have been dating since 2012 while he was going through a HORRIBLE divorce. His exW is the kind of person to use the children as pawns and it was a nightmare. I got pregnant in 2012 and lost the baby. Due to everything he was going through with the divorce, the kids, and his limited ability to handle such highly emotional situations, he was not there for me when I needed him the most. I felt abandoned by him but rationalized it because I knew that his ex was putting him and the kids through the wringer.

 

In 2013, while still not healed from the loss of the baby and his kids were doing their best to put a wedge in between us (via direction of their mother) as well as his “best” friend who did not like me (they are no longer friends) we broke up. H said we broke up because he was feeling blamed for the things that went “wrong in my life”. I did make it known that I was not happy that he abandoned me when I needed him the most and that he found time to be with his friends but not me. I am sure this put a tremendous amount of pressure on him and he didn’t know how to handle it.

 

During the break-up, I ended up hooking up with someone else. It was not the right thing to do, but I was emotionally exhausted and suicidal. I just needed to feel something other than abandonment and was desperate for comfort. This guy was there for me. He hugged me when I cried and made me feel human again. I did not want to be with this person long term. I was still so in love with my H and really wanted to be with him.

 

My H and I reconciled in 2013.

 

We bought a house together in 2014 and his father moved in with us. A lot of what went wrong had do with his dad. We completely supported him financially and he had absolutely no respect for us, the house or the kids. His father eventually moved out 2015 but not before really trying to ruin us.

 

The mistake I made in all of this was I never took the issues I had with his father, to his father. I took them to my H. (That was my wounded child not having a voice with my father, not knowing how to have a voice with other “father-figures”) I realize NOW that was the worst thing I could have done. I just didn’t know at the time what to do. I made a bad choice and it left my H feeling even MORE blamed.

 

The relationship between my H and his father ended when he moved out. His father is too immature to take any ownership for the things that caused him to no longer be welcomed and financially supported by us.

 

At the end of 2015 we got married. Before we married, H asked me if I hooked up with the guy mentioned above and I told him the truth. I didn’t want to start our marriage on a lie. My H is convinced it went on longer than and started before it did. I cannot convince him otherwise. In his mind, I am a cheater. I accept this and have tried to be as transparent, open, honest and understanding as possible. I have given him the passwords to everything I own.

 

In 2016 my H started to become very angry, critical, irrational and confrontational.

 

Over the course of the next 2 years every time my H got upset about something or I would try to talk to him about something that was bothering me (ex: dirty dishes in the sink) he would gunny sack me and pull out every other thing we have ever fought about, and it would eventually ALWAYS turn into something about me cheating.

 

I started to become very resentful that we could never talk rationally, logically, or with understanding and work towards a resolution. There would be 4-5 days that would pass where he wouldn’t say a word to me, and I would approach him to try to talk calmly/rationally and he would just explode and start screaming. Eventually I would just hold everything in and cry myself to sleep at night.

 

By the end 2018 I couldn’t take the fighting anymore and requested we go to marriage counseling. He agreed.

 

In marriage counseling we discussed how my H and I both had childhoods that left us entirely wounded. His father and mother were both horrible people and parents. His mother constantly blamed him for how bad their life was, would slap him in the face and tell him she didn’t want him. My H was very emotionally abused. My father abandoned me, and then when I did see him, he ignored me, discounted my feelings and never stood up for me to his nasty new wife who did everything to make sure I had no relationship with my father. Both of us had experiences that were compounded by the things we were doing as adults. The abandonment from my husband was exacerbated by my inner child’s pain. His sense of being blamed for everything going wrong was exacerbated by my being upset with him for not being there for me then I needed him the most.

 

During our short time in marriage counseling (4 months) we mostly worked on my issues and when I made some serious strides that allowed me to see that my wounded child was dominating my adult life, I was able let go of the resentment I was holding onto and move forward from the things that were causing me to be unhappy. I forgave my husband for abandoning me when I needed him the most and put my best foot forward.

 

On January 24th, 2019 the therapist turned to him to start working on him, and he ended our going by saying that he didn’t want to be married anymore because counseling only magnified our differences, that there was nothing he could do to make me happy, that he was “tired of feeling blamed for everything.”

 

When the therapist told him that he should evaluate the things he did to cause our marriage to go south, he said, “that would only be placing more blame and he was tired of that.” I realize that he was raised by a man that never took any ownership for anything, so it is hard for my H to understand how to do this.

 

I was completely gut wrenched when he said this and am heartbroken.

 

He has not sought an attorney, has not moved out of our marital bed and after some discussions he said that he thinks he “just needs time”.

 

The crazy thing is that things are the best they have been in YEARS. There is no more screaming and fighting. He is no longer hurling unfounded irrational and illogical accusations. It was like this for about 3 weeks BEFORE he said he didn’t want to be married anymore. When I brought up to him how good things have been and how we are not fighting like we used to, he said it is because “he stopped caring.” I am not sure how much of that is the truth. He bought me a Valentine’s day gift, which he never really did before.

 

However, he will not show me any affection outside of kissing my forehead good bye in the morning or hugging back if I hug him first. He was never really overly affectionate before, but now there is absolutely nothing initiated from him. He will not reach out to snuggle me. He will not hug me. And, he will not have sex with me. He doesn’t tell me he loves me very much anymore. He said he doesn’t want me to feel used given the way he is feeling (wanting a divorce). I asked him if there was someone else and he said “no”. I believe him.

 

I just want some thoughts on this. What do I do? How much time do I give him. How long do I wait before I start questioning things and asking to go back to therapy? Am I doomed to a romance less, sex-less rest of my life?

 

I love him. I am committed to him. I made a vow for better, for worse. I am not going to quit because we are in the “worse” part.

 

Any insight is greatly appreciated.

Edited February 28, 2019 by Queen of Hearts

[FMW]

Wow, so sorry

 

The only thing I can think of is try to convince him to go back into counseling with you. Tell him it's not about blaming him but learning new ways of looking at and dealing with things.

 

Don't stay in this situation for long though, it will only cause you more emotional harm and pain. It takes two to have a relationship. If he's not willing to work on things there's not much you can do on your own.

[bathtub-row]

I’m sorry for the loss of your baby. That’s very sad.

 

Your husband sounds verbally abusive to me, and he abuses you emotionally. This is most likely what his parents did, and it’s what he does. These people do NOT like to be called out on their behavior but they’re perfectly willing to point the finger at you in every area. And they use irrational tactics to confuse their victim.

 

Read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and see if it fits your husband. If it does, he’s a lost cause, cannot be fixed at all. Please, DO NOT get pregnant with this man.

 

It seems to me that he showed his real colors after you guys bought the house. This is very typical for situations like this. And, btw, you did not cheat on him. The two of you were broken up and you were perfectly within your rights to do as you pleased. Stop accepting responsibility for things like this. Don’t acquiesce when he uses irrational arguments.

 

I can tell you want to hold this marriage together but he sounds like a nightmare, along with his family. I’d dump a guy like this in a heartbeat. And I’d especially dump a guy who told me he no longer wanted to be with me. Those are the magic words that would have me walking out the door and I’d never look back.

[leigh01]

I am sorry. That sounds like a lot of really stressful events. I also agree that you didn't cheat. You were broken up. You could give your husband time and see if he agrees to go back to counseling.

 

Some of the signs to point your husband disconnecting. Going days without speaking, withholding physical affection and just choosing to withdraw rather than argue. I go through these stages with my husband also. I am ashamed to say that I have done the same in the past. I was just so angry with my husband (He had a hidden substance abuse issue in the past and when I found out I was furious, due to the lies, etc). I still love him and I did at the time, I was just very hurt. Maybe your husband is feeling something similar? If he feels like he is being blamed maybe he is embarrassed?

[basil67]

Queen of Hearts, I'm shocked that you are putting so much blame on yourself. Those things you're self blaming about weren't things you did wrong.

 

You slept with someone else while you were broken up? Your husband broke up with you. You were single and free to sleep with anyone you chose. You did nothing wrong.

 

You didn't take your issues about his father to his father? Again, you did the right thing here. His dad in your joint house causing problems - it's your husband's job to deal with. Besides, had you gone to the father yourself, I guarantee you would have been criticised for stepping outside your position.

 

It sounds to me like your husband is gaslighting you. He's also unable to take responsibility for his own actions. Why exactly do you love him? And why are you committed to him when he treats you so badly? He's not going to change, so why stay in this miserable marriage?

[preraph]

I think what's happened is he needed to stay in individual counseling and work through his childhood stuff, but it's too uncomfortable for him so he ran from it. Counseling actually did you quite a lot of good, so it's a shame he's not willing to do it also. Not to say it would bring you together. It might not.

 

Before I even got to the part where you said he said he didn't care, I said it while I was reading, that it was because he no longer cared. But again, it's because he doesn't want to deal with it, which he pretty much already told you in different words, as in it always being his fault or something like that.

 

He has some ethics. I like that. I'm glad he's not wanting to have sex while he's undecided whether to stay. I think you need to ask him again to rejoin you in counseling to talk about what's going on now. Maybe he just needed some time to get less overwhelmed about it and would go back in. I just think he has a lot he doesn't want to get all emotional and deal with with a stranger, the therapist. Or if he won't do individual, maybe he'd still go back with you, though if it were me, I'd want to be alone if I was going through all that, personally. So find out if he'd be more comfortable going alone or with you and see if he'll talk about it at least.

 

Did he ever at least get to the point where he could let it go about you seeing another guy while you weren't with him? He needs to get over that.

[elaine567]

Is it possible he is cheating? I would guess from around 2016, a revenge affair maybe.

Counselling if he was going to do it properly would have forced him to come clean, so he ducks out instead.

Now he has detached and is moving on.

I guess the OW will soon make her appearance.

 

 

Hopefully I am wrong.

[Mr. Lucky]

Queen of Hearts, I'm shocked that you are putting so much blame on yourself. Those things you're self blaming about weren't things you did wrong.

 

Pretty much agree with everything basil has said.

 

But I also feel, at some point in our adult lives, we have to stop blaming our childhoods for the bad choices we make. Life presents its own learning curve and teaches its own lessons, ignored and/or contravened at one's own peril.

 

Q of H, if you and your H are in your 40's or 50's, missed preschool hugs aren't much of a factor anymore. Time for both of you to take responsibility for your lives, including deciding if your effort to salvage this marriage is a healthy choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Queen of Hearts]

...missed preschool hugs aren't much of a factor anymore.

 

Mr. Lucky, I appreciate your thoughts, but please do not minimize the abuse my husband suffered and the effects of it on his adulthood. Being slapped in the face at 5 years old and told that she wished she would have never had him, and for the rest of his childhood being told he is the reason her life is so hard is more than a missed hug. That is just the tip of the iceberg in regards to the abuse he suffered. He and his brother were essentially starved as young children. Yes. Starved. His mother would bring home food for herself and abuse him if he ate it. His mother went to great lengths to beat this man down. His father did nothing to stop it and actually would go along and participate in the demoralization of them both.

 

I get that we all make choices, but when you are trained from a very young age to believe you are worthless, it is very difficult to believe otherwise even as an adult. My H needs help. I realize this. He is stuck in a very bad place inside himself right now.

 

I will not live the rest of my life in a bad situation, but I am not going to just quit. I am going to do my best to help him get the help he needs. If he chooses not to, then I will need to leave. But, I have to give him a chance.

 

This is only my perspective of our relationship. I am sure he could come on here and write how I have made him feel and everyone would think I am the tyrant.

[BTDT2012]

Am I doomed to a romance less, sex-less rest of my life?

 

 

 

Only if you choose to accept this. When my husband said he no longer wanted to work on our marriage I asked him when was he leaving. He was cheating.

[lolita888]

Sorry for your loss.

 

 

To be honest I also feel sorry for your H. In life we sometimes make decisions and react in a way that we will later regret and when we realize it, it's too late.

 

 

It is true that your H is also at fault for not being with you when you needed him the most - you were pregnant and lost the baby - but instead of being with you, he choose to stay with his friends. That was wrong indeed, it was his child... no matter how depressed he is, he should've been affected by it too and showed that he cared.

 

 

I think your H regretted divorcing his wife. He went through a drastic change (divorcing his wife and broke his family because of it). He probably felt regret and guilty but couldn't really take back what he did. He already pulled the triggered there was no turning back, even if he wanted to. It may not be because of his wife but because of his children. He left because of his wife but feel guilty for his children.

Then lost your baby. Broke up with you. When he finally accepted the fact that his family has been broken, he returned to you. But after finding out about the other guy; the regret started to come back. His wife wouldn't do that while he's gone.

 

 

But then he went on with the marriage. But you started to nagged him about the house chores and other things, including his father. He never had the chance to take a break... it probably made him depressed. So depressed and exhausted - enough that he no longer care.

 

 

He's trying his best. He is exhausted. How about instead of asking for him to "give" you affection. How about you try to think of ways that will make him feel happy again without expecting anything in return?

 

 

Because it seems to me that your H wasn't really able to properly heal from the divorced then things just kept piling up.

[bathtub-row]

It’s very sad what happened to your husband but you’re dealing with two major issues: 1) he’s saying he wants out of the marriage, and 2) he’s very, very broken and people like this cannot be fixed without a great deal of professional help, which he’s rejecting.

 

Sticking around because you feel bad for him doesn’t change where he’s at with this whole thing. The longer you put up with his behavior, the more he’ll disrespect you. Men do not respect a woman who will stand by and let herself be treated dismissively or badly.

[mark clemson]

I get giving the other person some cooling off time and seeing if they change their mind. It seems like you have a real need to try to help/fix your H's issues. This is commendable in some ways, but if he can't/won't change, aren't you just setting yourself up for a very serious case of "compassion burnout". It seems like you're almost at that point now.

 

IF you actually patch this up, how about YOU setting some genuine conditions and boundaries, like insisting that he continue his IC as a condition of R. You really need to avoid being willing to continue the marriage no matter what. Otherwise you're just going to get more of the same nightmare.

 

What is it exactly that you are trying to save here?

Edited March 1, 2019 by mark clemson

[Queen of Hearts]

Sorry for your loss.

 

Thank you for this and for your words of advice.

 

. His wife wouldn't do that while he's gone.

 

Actually, she was a chronic adulterer. She cheated on him with 5 different men.

[Queen of Hearts]

 

IF you actually patch this up, how about YOU setting some genuine conditions and boundaries, like insisting that he continue his IC as a condition of R. You really need to avoid being willing to continue the marriage no matter what. Otherwise you're just going to get more of the same nightmare.

 

This is exactly my plan.

 

 

 

What is it exactly that you are trying to save here?

 

He is not a bad man. He is a good man with a bad past. I do love him, my daughter loves him and I know he loves me. I am only telling of the bad here as there is obviously so much more to our story. For the sake of brevity, I have only posted of the problems of our relationship. There is a lot of good to us.

Edited March 1, 2019 by Queen of Hearts

[preraph]

I agree with Mark. Insist he gets back in counseling as a condition.

[BTDT2012]

There is a lot of good to us.

I'm sure there is. However, you can't make him want to be married. Repairing a marriage isn't a one person job.

[bathtub-row]

He is not a bad man. He is a good man with a bad past. I do love him, my daughter loves him and I know he loves me. I am only telling of the bad here as there is obviously so much more to our story. For the sake of brevity, I have only posted of the problems of our relationship. There is a lot of good to us.

 

That’s understood. But the bad things you’re talking about would be dealbreakers for most people. Dealbreakers trump everything else.

 

The thing is, you obviously want to stay with the guy so that’s what you should do. It may come to a point where he doesn’t give you a choice, so just be prepared for that.

[pepperbird]

op,

people who are wounded the way he was as a child often work so hard at suppressing their pain they find it really hard to stop. They build up a wall so they don't have to, and this becomes their default setting.

 

It's like you have a cut that should have been sutured, but that didn't get done. Now a scar has formed, and while reopening the wound might make it feel better afterwards, the process can be scary, especially for a guy.

 

 

 

It sounds like you found it really taxing too, but you were able to do it anyway.

 

Do you think it's possible what your husband is really saying is that it's too hard for him to face his past, and maybe if you're not around, he won't feel he has to?

[basil67]

I'm glad to hear that you're putting boundaries in place. I hope this includes not taking blame for the things you mentioned in your initial post.

 

Thing is though, you're making him doing counselling part of the condition to keeping the marriage together. But he doesn't want counselling and he doesn't want to stay in the marriage. Insist on counselling and it will likely mean he'll get even more determined to leave.

[Mr. Lucky]

I will not live the rest of my life in a bad situation, but I am not going to just quit. I am going to do my best to help him get the help he needs. If he chooses not to, then I will need to leave. But, I have to give him a chance.

 

I'll gently suggest, what you mean is another chance. Like after this:

 

I got pregnant in 2012 and lost the baby. Due to everything he was going through with the divorce, the kids, and his limited ability to handle such highly emotional situations, he was not there for me when I needed him the most.

 

And then another chance after this:

 

In 2013, while still not healed from the loss of the baby and his kids were doing their best to put a wedge in between us (via direction of their mother) as well as his “best” friend who did not like me (they are no longer friends) we broke up. H said we broke up because he was feeling blamed for the things that went “wrong in my life”.

 

And then another chance after this:

 

Before we married, H asked me if I hooked up with the guy mentioned above and I told him the truth. I didn’t want to start our marriage on a lie. My H is convinced it went on longer than and started before it did. I cannot convince him otherwise. In his mind, I am a cheater.

 

And after this, another chance:

 

In 2016 my H started to become very angry, critical, irrational and confrontational.

 

Over the course of the next 2 years every time my H got upset about something or I would try to talk to him about something that was bothering me (ex: dirty dishes in the sink) he would gunny sack me and pull out every other thing we have ever fought about, and it would eventually ALWAYS turn into something about me cheating.

 

Queen of hearts, I could keep going but hope you get the idea. If you spend your life wallowing in dysfunction, unhappiness surely follows. As they say in AA, you didn't cause, you can't control and you won't cure. So at some point, you simply have to decide how many more years you're willing to throw into the dumpster fire that has been your relationship with him.

 

As I said before, sometimes you simply need to make a healthy choice. Hope you make yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Thing is though, you're making him doing counselling part of the condition to keeping the marriage together. But he doesn't want counselling and he doesn't want to stay in the marriage. Insist on counselling and it will likely mean he'll get even more determined to leave.

 

Which means, as difficult as it may feel, you need to let him go...

[BaileyB]

The crazy thing is that things are the best they have been in YEARS. There is no more screaming and fighting. He is no longer hurling unfounded irrational and illogical accusations. It was like this for about 3 weeks BEFORE he said he didn’t want to be married anymore. When I brought up to him how good things have been and how we are not fighting like we used to, he said it is because “he stopped caring.”

 

However, he will not show me any affection outside of kissing my forehead good bye in the morning or hugging back if I hug him first. There is absolutely nothing initiated from him. He will not have sex with me. He doesn’t tell me he loves me very much anymore.

 

I love him. I am committed to him. I made a vow for better, for worse. I am not going to quit.

 

I’m sorry, you realize of course that it takes two committed people to have a marriage. And right now, you are only one committed person.

 

For whatever reason, your husband has checked out. He may not have physically moved out, but he is giving you every indication that he is DONE - including telling you in plain language that he is done. Respect that. Let him go.

 

The truth is, this relationship has been an unhealthy relationship from Day 1. Bathtub-row is right, the “worse” you describe would be absolute dealbreakers for many other people. He is a very damaged man. If he is not willing to go to counselling and deal with his issues, there is very little that you can do.

 

I hope you continue your own counselling. I wish you the best.

Edited March 2, 2019 by BaileyB