My girlfriend started talking to her ex. Should I be worried?

[TestAnto]

Hi everyone.

 

I am 22 years old, she is 19. She was in a relationship with her ex for 5 years. He was her first love and she was his first love. The broke up in summer 2018 mainly because of distance. He moved far away to study at university and because he doesn't have money nor time to visit her they decided to end it. Her parents also disliked him a lot etc so that's why.

 

They loved each other a lot from what my girlfriend has told me even though she never really talks about him to me often. We have been together for 3 months so far by the way.

 

My girlfriend was out at the market and she forgot her phone at the house. So I decided to check her chats. I saw that few days ago he pmed her and asked her how she was. She seemed very excited seeing a pm from him, and among the lines she would tell him stuff like ''I will always answer to you'', ''I would never ever forget your birthday, you are the one who always forgets mine'' etc, with many emojis, constant laughing, her trying to keep the conversation going by asking questions etc. He even wondered why she didn't pm him on his birthday and she said ''I didn't because you told me not to and I didn't want to bother you haha''. He was also pretty nice, he said how he missed her laugh so much etc.

 

I haven't told her anything about this yet, but should I be worried?

[FMW]

I would be concerned.

 

Their relationship ended because of logistics, not incompatibility or loss of feelings.

 

You don't have to tell her you saw the messages, but find a way to ask her about him - if she ever hears from him, etc. and then see where the conversation goes.

 

If she isn't being any different with you (being more distant and less communicative) that's a good sign though.

[crispytoast]

Maybe. It's natural for feelings to maintain after a long relationship, especially one that I'm guessing was her first love. I was with my last ex for 4 years. I left her and she moved across the country. I still miss her sometimes and we still occasionally talk years later, after all we were a really important part of each other's lives. It took us a while to get over each other. You've only been with her 3 months so you haven't filled that role yet. It could be worth mentioning to her that you accidentally saw, but if you do, don't get all weird and accusatory about it. If you're mature and understanding, she would likely appreciate you for that.

 

 

If you do say something, I recommend being honest that you saw. You can just tell her that you noticed a message pop up. She's 19 so if you just ask if she's heard from him recently, she might lie out of worry that you might get upset, after all she doesn't know how you would respond. But if you are calm and straightforward and don't act offended and upset, but instead curious and understanding, it's more likely she will be honest with you and feel safe opening up to you.

Edited March 1, 2019 by crispytoast

[TestAnto]

Other things I saw and forgot to mention:

 

- Him telling her he had a dream of her

- Her telling him ''You can always message me''

- Him apologising for not pming her the next day

- Her indirectly apologising to him for not responding fast because she was at Uni too etc.

- Her keeping his old nickname on Messenger and not removing it which includes his name and her surname, looking like they are married.

 

And all those with many laughs and emojis.

[d0nnivain]

You have to tell her that looked at her phone & then you have to ask her what's between her & him. I agree with whoever said this is a problem because they didn't break up because she stopped loving him. He grew lazy & more involved in college then his HS GF back home but this isn't over in her heart. You are the rebound, the boy who is there while her true love is away. Especially with summer coming, once he's back in the same zip code, these messages will change to meetings.

[whysotough]

I understand where you are coming from, and would also be worried.

I would address it to her very calmly, and take it from there.

Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TestAnto]

I didn't tell her about the snooping to see if I will be able to check more.

 

So today when she went to the University I hid her phone. I checked her messages with him and I saw more. First of all he was very drunk last night and he pmed her. He was very drunk it looked like it and he told her stuff like ''I love you'', ''I miss you'' etc.

 

So when my girlfriend woke up and saw those messages she was like ''Omg <his name> are you okay? Please take a rest''. He apologised a lot and she was like it's okay. Then he told her that he misses her a lot hence why he pmed her in the first place. She replied with ''Aw, I can't believe you still think about me haha'', and then he said ''But do you aswell?'' and she said ''Yeah I do''. Then they kept going and talked about other stuff such us old things they used to do etc, flashbacks pretty much.

 

I guess that was it. It looks like I have to end it. Am I doing the right thing or is it still questionable?

[Logo]

If you really love her, you can try and wow her. She’ll forget about him in a month or two.

 

How is she with you?

 

What would it take for them to meet?

[todreaminblue]

sounds like the texts are becoming more intimate....you have a right to be concerned ...you do need to talk to her....and have a discussion about boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable and also to see where her head is at...you will know where to go from talking to her...so do it soon..or you may regret not talking to her......good luck...deb

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Am I doing the right thing or is it still questionable?

 

As soon as I read that she keeps him under a pet name (her surname), it made it pretty clear that they are not done.

 

This latest development with his love declarations and her indulging it further confirm this. She may not be looking to get back with him right now, but her behavior suggests that she is still trying to keep him on the hook. Maybe for when he returns, who knows?

 

I get the impression that they never discuss you in any of these messages? Her ex probably doesn't even know about you, and if he does, she has likely downplayed it as casual. Maybe secretly she sees you as a rebound right now? Regardless, it doesn't sound like she is over him.

 

Even if she decides not to get back with him, I think you will find it very hard to trust her because you know what she is capable of doing behind your back. For many people this would be a deal breaker because trust is the foundation of any good relationship.

 

Only you can decide if it is a deal breaker for you. You may decide that it is worth taking a risk and seeing where things go. However, just a word of caution, there is a risk that the doubts and insecurity will create trust issues and problems in future relationships, which would be sad. There are a lot of decent people out there paying the price for the bad behavior of an ex.

 

In a healthy relationship you shouldn't feel the need to keep checking her phone, but unfortunately now you are always going to feel the need to do it with her.

 

I would recommend you end it now, but it has to be your call.

 

Good luck.

[oldtruck]

They are not done.

 

Tell what you know and see what she says.

[Marc878]

You are a rebound only. Nothing more.

 

You want to waste your time on this go ahead.

 

I wouldn't