I'm emotionally drained from this breakup...

[DRose1992]

*Warning Long post, finally felt the need to let everything out*

 

I have been lurking LS for a while and i finally think I should share my story of what I am going through. I was with my ex girlfriend for almost 2 years and we broke up this past Oct/Nov. If you have come across a thread from /u/ hunk titled "took girl for granted - absolutely destroyed"

 

I (24M now 26) met my ex gf (20f now 22) through tinder after a horrible breakup i was going through with my ex ex gf. My ex ex gf would still be in my mutual friend circle and it caused me a lot of stress and pain that I couldn't deal with properly.

 

Being that those issues caused me pain me and my now ex never fully committed to a proper girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. We were extremely close even though it was a rocky relationship because of the ex ex issues. We always were together during tough times, told each other how much we cared about each other, but never fully said I love you to each other even though I'm certain we both did.

 

During the relationship multiple times she got fed up with me being emotionally unavailable and tried to break things off but in a matter of days we would be back together.

 

There was one instance that was painful for me about 8 months after we got together we got drinks with her friends and she got a ride home from one of them when she was too drunk. Turns out they slept together and she felt horrible the next day over it crying to me. I was devastated but I held it together and tried to make things ok by saying "Well we have been kinda in an open relationship, so I have no right to be mad"

 

That set her off thinking I wasn't reacting the way I should with cheating and she threatened to leave me the next day but after me crying to her she came back. I still felt the pain of the cheating to this day and it didn't help me commit to her...

 

Over time we still were really close I spent the night multiple times per week and we went out together constantly. I was her only super close confidant so she confided everything with me.

 

A year before we broke up she did a mangership program for a famous cali chain burger joint (you can guess what it is). She met this guy there that she thought was weird, annoying and followed her and her friends around. I didn't care cause I am not the jealous bf type, i let her get drinks bought for her by other guys at bars cause hell i don't have to pay for it.

 

She comes back and everything is fine until the final 3 months of our relationship. I felt her pulling away from me. She went to New York without telling me, when we went out to bars she would immediately get drinks bought for her and ignore me. I started falling into a deep depression, i felt like i was losing my best friend and I already felt like I was losing my guy best friends in my life cause they were still hanging out with my ex ex gf. I felt horrible but I reopened my dating app to start talking to some other people. I wasn't expecting anything just someone to make me feel wanted.

 

One night she came home after work and she saw a notification on my phone and we had a huge fight over it. We didn't break up, we mended things (still didn't commit fully) but it put another jagged edge into our already rocky relationship.

 

Another couple months go by and things seem to be good, I start telling introducing her more to people as my girlfriend. I was trying to be more committed. We still were going to places together, sleeping over multiple nights and no major fights. Till I started feeling horrible cause my family (dad, cousin and me) were getting evicted from my childhood home and I didn't know where to go. At first me and my ex were thinking of having me move in so it would lower both our rents since I already stay over 4/7 nights a week. She made it seem like she was super on board with the idea.

 

Till I get a text from her early Oct... She says we need to talk...

 

She has me come over, and im already angry and sad and in tears. She tells me she feels like shes emotionally cheating on me. At the time I didn't know what that meant. She wouldn't explain it. I said well we can try to be in open relationship like we could have been a while back but she said no she doesn't want to see me with anyone... She said she needed a break... I cry and tell her fine I guess I'll give you space.

 

For the next month she would constantly text me once every 4-5 days missing me, asking me to stay the night, asking me if ill always be there, she even offered to help me move randomly. I was freaking out at the time she would confuse me... Finally the first of November rolls around and I had enough, i have been crying everyday since then. I said I need to come by and talk. I ask her I can't wait any longer I need to know where you stand. She told me she made her decision.. I freak out crying, I slammed my stuff out and took a second to calm myself down... I told her I'll get my stuff when I can (I had a huge electric piano at her place) and I left.

 

 

We already didn't follow each other anymore on social media. So I decided to go N.C. for three weeks. At that point I broke cause I contstantly though of her. I called her to see how she was. She was excited to hear me and said she missed me and we decided to get a movie together. The next day we go see a movie, talk a bunch, laugh, held hands, and felt like everything was normal. When I go to drop her off she ask if I can spend the night, I hesitantly agreed cause I thought about the "breadcrumbs lol". When I stayed the night it just didn't feel right, she was sleeping and I was just sitting straight up confused. What was weird was that when I got up to go to the bathroom she called me?? When I walked back to her room she said she got afraid that I left? When we woke up in the morning we kinda sat there talking, and we both were tearing up... At that point we decided she needed more space so I left her alone again...

 

Another couple weeks goes by with no contact and I have been trying really hard to reflect and change things about myself that was sabotaging the relationship and now its early December and I call her up cause I was still emotionally confused by her.. I ask if she wanted to have dinner at my place and she agreed to it.

 

I wanted to show her that I was changing. I was learning how to cook for the last few months, I started focusing more on how I dress etc. She came over and we had a fun time cooking and eating. We laugh and joked as usual then we went upstairs to watch a movie. After a few minutes of the movie we cuddled up together. She held me tight and I started to tear up cause I missed her. I finally turned over and we both started crying and kissing and holding on to each other. I kept saying I missed her. She said she missed me and thought she would never see me again and that she said this felt so right. We almost started to have sex but then I pulled away and said "I think we should take this slow" and she made a somewhat sarcastic comment mentioning how I have been always taking too slow.. but she then gets in my arms and we cuddle fo the rest of the night as she falls asleep in my arms. I wake her up cause she had the next day so she packed her stuff and as we she left we had a kiss goodbye. I asked her if she wanted to go to a christmas party my friends were having and she agreed.

 

The next day I decided to call her to see how she was feeling. She answered and became annoyed saying shes confused and how shes happy she seeing me change for the better but mad that it took until her leaving to change and said she doesn't feel right about going to the party. I cried over the phone and said ok.

 

Later on that week a day before the party I decided to try to add her back on snapchat for the hell of it and she sent me a text immediately saying "I think its not a good idea if i go to the party" ??? I already knew she wasn't going so I ignored the text and felt ****ty about her response... but weirdly the next night she added me on snap, went through my story, then deleted me???? I was so confused... but i left it alone.

 

Another 1.5 weeks go by and were in mid December. I just got bad news about my grandma who got put in the ICU. I went to go see her and I was devastated at her condition. I stepped outside to gather myself but my dumbass decided to call my ex. She answer and she was happily visiting LA and I told her what was happening. She said shes sorry and please let me know everything thats going on (even though she has never met my family) and if i needed anything. I asked her if we could get a coffee sometime when shes back and she hesitantly said sure. As we hung up and I felt like **** for breaking NC AGAIN...

 

Another week goes by and my grandma died, I was out with my friends when I received a random text. My ex was asking how my grandma was doing. I ignored it most of the night but texted when I was going home saying "She died". She again said Im so so so sorry dustin if you need anything please lemme know and all i said was "thanks" and left it at that. Another week and a half goes by and I broke NC again caused I missed her. I just sent some small text about how a mutual friend just got a big position at her work and we texted a lil and then she said "So are we gonna get that coffee?"

 

At first I was gonna say no but i decided to go along with it. We decided to meet up the next day. We met at the coffee shop after work and right away I noticed her being very different. She got herself dressed up, wore the necklace I gave her, put on lip stick. For a coffee.. We started ordering and I noticed she couldn't look at me in the eye. She touched me a few times on the hand and chest and I could feel like she wanted me there but didn't. We sat and talked for an hour about everything and laughed and showed pictures of friends. Then at the end she mentions "Idk if I should tell you this". I said well you kinda have to now. She said "Im kinda seeing someone now"

 

My heart just drops.. Why the hell would she bring me out get all dressed up just to tell me that. I somehow contained my composure and said well im happy for you and then I walked her to her car. I gave her a Christmas card and she wanted to keep in touch... But as I left i could help myself an hour goes by and I text her I need to come and see you to talk. She said ok.

 

I come by and right away i tell her im lost. Spill all my emotions more than all the other times and that I realize all my mistakes and Im changing for the better blah blah blah. She reinterates again how she was angry and happy that I have been changing but after she already left... I ask if i can still see her she said i need space and i asked if we can have a phone call once per week and she said i guess. I told her ill have someone get my piano and I left. But as I left I immediatly felt like **** driving away. I call her up and she answers and I said "Maybe your right we can't do these weekly calls, i think we both need time to heal" she said " okay I guess ill talk to you later?" and which point i said "I dont know" she then angryily hangs up the phone and says "FINE!!"

 

At this point I was emotionally torn, had to go back to therepy just to get myself back together. A week and half after that incident I decided to look Instagram (i know bad idea) even though she always has it on private but made it public a month ago but I didnt scan her pics and NEVER posts at all.

 

This time I look closely.. Shes hanging with that guy from the managership since A few days after finally breaking things in November... And she posts Alot about him since. Nicknames and being grateful for such an amazing guy... She would never post about ANY guy she dates at all ever. She made sure I didn't post anything about her that her parents could find even though shes an adult.... I was devastated again....

 

After 3 weeks roll of NC i get a text from her saying "Can i get my sweats back pleaseee?". I tried calling her to schedule a drop off but no answer so I said Im either free today or ican have someone else do it. She said shes not free today but tomorrow we can. I said fine. The next day she texts me saying shes not free so I blow up. I packed all her things and stuff that reminded me of her from our trips and dropped it off to her roomates. We had a huge texting argument about me asking why she cheated on me hella long ago and tried to blame me. I tell her that I know I made alot of mistakes but she has to realized the stuff that she did that hurt me (i never brought up the new guy). She then goes on a rant that the whole break up was my fault and she did nothing to sabotage it. It hurt but i left it alone. A few days later I tried to apologize for the harsh worded texts but she ignored me.

 

Another 3 weeks roll by of no contact and were in late Jan, I was still trying to get someone to go get my piano cause I don't wanna see her or else Ill be hurt. Out of nowhere I receive another text from her.. the most painful yet

 

She goes on a rant about how much she hates me and wishes she never met me and that shes pissed she wasted all her time on me. A HUGE HATEFUL rant that killed me inside.... I didn't respond till the next day saying that I understand her frustration and how much I miss her and I dont want her to think this hasnt been hard on me... She responds saying she doesnt know what to say. Shes torn between never wanting to see me again and wanting her best friend back that understands her the best. She mentioned she has been wanting to get up and leave everything behind and she said shes been reaching out to people when shes alone not knowing what to do. I respond saying i wanna help her cause I care and love her but she then ignores me..

 

I text her later on the end of the week asking if she was okay and she said im fine. I said well im glad your okay and good luck to your Patriots tomorrow (Super bowl sunday) we talk just a lil bout her families teams and leave it at that.

 

I thought maybe LC was gonna be better so I texted her about this movie I just saw and told her she should check it out. She seemed surprise that i went to a movie (i never go and she never liked that), then immediatly texted me "why are you texting me like everything is normal". I said I am in a good place now and feeling better about myself and said I missed talking to you and wanna see where things go. She said that makes sense but where are you wanting things to go? I said "Id like to get the person I care and appreciate back together or at least get my best friend or know if im out of luck"

She said in a long text made sure I know her new man makes her SO SO SO happy (even though she was ready to leave eveything and misses her best friend me??)and shes sees im making the changes but angry that it took until she left and that maybe we will check in every now and then.

 

I just said if your truly happy im glad. I dont expect you to reach out but hopefully someday you can see the changes I made for us. i said goodbye and thanks for the memories.

 

Since that day almost 3.5 weeks ago I have had her blocked on all social media and now went FULL NC...

 

 

It hurts and recently ive been hanging with her roommate and he says he doesnt like him and it really seems like a rebound. I dont wanna keep my hopes up but its been hard moving on... I know if we had a second time around things would be better but I know theres nothing really i can say to make things better..

 

Hopefully you guys have good commentary on this mess that im in haha