I cheated and now I'm lost

[Vivv]

So, here's the main story. I am in my twenties, my boyfriend of three years is in his thirties. He was really broken due to his previous relationship before me when we met and now he has started to be in a really good state. I have inspired him to do some things he never imagined he would do. And I do think I am not lying when I say I do love him. We have had a wonderful relationship until now. I have never been head over heels in love with him, rather learned to love him. We have fights quite rarely and we never fight longer than maybe an hour. He has never pressured me to move together with him (I have never lived with a partner, only with roommates). We laugh together often and we trust each other.

And then.. I went cheating on him.

 

I have a colleuge who I see quite often. We don't work together though. I noticed him first time when he started to talk to me last summer. After that we did chit-chat about random things for a few times. I noticed he was interested in me and that triggered something in me and I started to feel interested in him, too.

 

I didn't see a problem in this kind of a thing at that time, since me and my boyfriend both understand that it is okay to have a crush for someone else from time to time. You don't have to act on that. But I did.

 

We had a workplace party a few months ago and I was drunk. My colleague was drunk. He told me he liked me. I told him I liked him too, but I was taken. He was a little bit sad, but we continued talking and we agreed to go to some more quiet bar to talk more. Now, when I think about it, this was the first real mistake I did that night.

 

It was so late that bars started to close so he invited me to his place. I remember that I said it to be a bad idea, but he said there would be nothing sexual. And I'm naive and stupid, I believed him.

Of course he started to kiss me (I remind, I was really drunk), although not on the lips since I didn't let him. At first. But I was having a fight inside of me, from one side I wanted him. He was sexy, interesting and mysterious. From the other side even though I was drunk as hell, I thought about my boyfriend and that I didn't want to hurt him.

 

And then at some moment I kissed him back. And then we had sex. Lousy, because I still fought with my desires and also because I was in half-coma.

 

I woke up from his sofa. He had gone to bed. I felt cheap and ****ty. I went to say that I must leave. He asked me to come to his side for a moment. And basically everything repeated itself. After that I left. He didn't even come to the door or anything (which at that point shouldn't be important).

 

After that at work I thought that his interest in me had left his body with the cum. He has come to talk to me any chance he gets, so maybe it hasn't faded. And I still feel interested in him, I still would like to ask him so many things, and I don't know why. I hate being such a stupid woman.

 

And the main problem. I have thought about our relationship with my boyfriend a lot after that. After what happened, I had a hard time to believe I could cheat on him, and to be that cheap at that. I felt like the ****tiest person in the world. I did know I couldn't tell my boyfriend, ever. And I haven't. And I won't. If I would tell him I would kill him. Maybe literally, because the last time his girlfriend cheated on him, he was on the verge of suicide.

And if he wouldn't kill himself, it would at least kill his trust for women forever. I don't want that. If we won't work out, I would want him to find a women who he deserves - someone ten times better than me.

So I won't do that.

 

But yeah. I've been thinking about our relationship after that. I've been thinking that if you really love someone, how can you break this persons trust? Maybe I don't really love him. Maybe I have just made myself believe I love him.

 

And now, I have a really hard time to give my boyfriend any closeness and our connection has gone to ****. I have thought that maybe I should break up with him, for his own sake. I feel that I am so ****ty person that he's just wasting his time with me.

 

My whole life is actually a mess, partly I can blame myself. The other part (serious health problems in close family) is just a destiny and as long as I have someone I have to support I can't live my life 100%for myself.

Don't take this wrong, I don't blame my destiny on what decisions I have made. I made the desicion to go with this guy. I decided to kiss him back, I decided to let him inside me. Drunk or not, I made those decisions.

And now.. I don't really know what to do. Get a new job, try to get those feelings for my boyfriend back? Leave him and try to take care on him somehow so that he would get back on track eventually? Just disappear and tell no one (that one is kind of a sad joke, I really want to do that, but I can't)?

 

I am so sorry that I wrote so much, there's definitely lots of unimportant info. I don't have anyone to talk to about it since I feel ashamed to talk to my friends about it. I did talk to my best friend, but she has a really hard period in her life so I don't want to bother her about that too much.

 

So yeah, I leaked everything out.

I am not craving any messages saying I'm not a bad person and that things happen.

I know that I am a piece of ****. I feel like that all the time, especially because I'm still interested in that guy. I have tried to stop that. But I can't.

So yeah, here's the story.

Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mark clemson]

Well, you made a bad decision. At least you seem to be owning it (internally).

 

My impression is that the other guy (non-BF) in this case is a user and not sincere. It sounds like you have that gut sense too.

 

My feeling is that IF you decide to stay with your BF without telling and IF you one day marry him and IF one day the guilt overwhelms you and you confess to him much later: I think that would be worse than just telling him now or simply breaking up civilly without telling.

 

 

Other than that I don't have specific advice for you except that you'll have to think long and hard about what you want to do next.

[stillafool]

Since you are still interested in this guy it would probably be best to set your bf free. You aren't going to tell him you cheated which is your choice but it isn't fair to your bf to be with someone who has cheated on him and he didn't have the knowledge to decide if he wanted to stay and work it out. I know you said you were drunk when you kissed this guy and had sex but you weren't drunk the next morning for the repeat so it's clear you wanted him. Now you still want him so you need to be free so you won't end up really hurting your bf. I don't see this stopping between you and the other guy because you still want him.

[Ronni_W]

, try to get those feelings for my boyfriend back? Leave him and try to take care on him somehow so that he would get back on track eventually?

If you know that you no longer have 'those feelings' for your boyfriend, why even consider going through all the pretense, stringing him along, deluding yourself, etc?

 

What is feeding your sense that you need to 'take care of him somehow'...as if you're his some type of 'saviour/protector'? (Unless I missed something in your post?)

[Vivv]

If you know that you no longer have 'those feelings' for your boyfriend, why even consider going through all the pretense, stringing him along, deluding yourself, etc?

 

What is feeding your sense that you need to 'take care of him somehow'...as if you're his some type of 'saviour/protector'? (Unless I missed something in your post?)

 

Because I don't think one should give up in a long relationship at once when feelings fade.

Of course there's always a possibility that they never return, but one should always try.

 

And also, I haven't stopped caring for him. He is still one of the most important people in my life. I still love him.. Maybe not so romantically right now as I would like to, but he's still one of my best friends. It hurts me so much that I must keep a secret like that from him. From a selfish point of view, it would be better for me to tell. I could suffer for a short period of time and after that feel like an honest, free person. But I can't hurt him like that.

[Ronni_W]

No, you are being selfish to NOT tell him the total truth. And you are being selfish in how you are trying to justify your thoughts, attitudes and behaviour against his own best interests.

 

Trying to tell yourself that you "care for him" is just your way of trying to make what you're doing to him okay, in your own (selfish) mind and heart.

 

Sure you "love him" and still "care for him". I love and care about dolphins, the Amazon forest, whales and orphans. So what? At least I do my best to not also BS myself. Can you say the same?

 

No...I'm not always successful...but at least I know that I am trying to at least be self-honest. Can you truly say the same?

[Vivv]

No, probably not. I'm a pathetic liar and don't think I deserved to even been born. But at the same time, if you know that knowledge about what you did, would destroy a person completely (and I don't mean being sad and depressed for eight weeks) inside, would you do it? You don't know him. I know. And believe me, I want to tell him. It would ease my guilt. I hope you believe me if I say I really can't do it.

Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

Right out of the handbook...if I cheat it means I dont love my partner...or what it more likely means is your are a very selfish person who does what they want despite caring for someone or not really caring about how it will impact the person.

 

Saying you dont want to break up because you don't just give up is a copout, you are giving up, you're just trying to monkey branch from your boyfriend to the co worker. Hanging on to the boyfriend until you get a better grip on the new guy.

 

Sad really, the lies your telling yourself.

[Orokotikki]

DK and Ronni are 100% right.

 

If you can't come clean the next best thing you can do is leave him forever.

[BaileyB]

Because I don't think one should give up in a long relationship at once when feelings fade.

Of course there's always a possibility that they never return, but one should always try.

 

It goes without saying, but if that is truly how you felt you wouldn’t have cheated.

 

 

It hurts me so much that I must keep a secret like that from him. From a selfish point of view, it would be better for me to tell. But I can't hurt him like that.

 

What a crock! It’s not the telling of the truth that hurts someone, it is the cheating that hurts.

 

If you know that knowledge about what you did, would destroy a person completely (and I don't mean being sad and depressed for eight weeks) inside, would you do it?

 

And believe me, I want to tell him. I hope you believe me if I say I really can't do it.

 

If you were really so concerned for this man and you didn’t want to hurt him, why did you cheat? It’s a little disingenuous to say that you are concerned that you don’t want to hurt him now...

 

I believe that you can’t tell him, really I do. It is for the same selfish reasons why you cheated - you are looking out for your own best interest, you refuse to make a decision or take accountability for your behavior.

Edited March 1, 2019 by BaileyB

[Ronni_W]

<snip> don't think I deserved to even been born.

So...here's the difference. OF COURSE you do deserve to be on this planet! The fact that you are born is significant, and means that you are important!

 

The 'issue' or 'problem' is that you do not need to be deceitful, dishonest or disingenuous in order to 'prove' that you deserve to be here.

 

The next 'issue' for you to deal with, is to get over your sense that you have the power to 'completely destroy' the sense of identity of some other person. You don't. That is on them.

[BaileyB]

So...here's the difference. OF COURSE you do deserve to be on this planet! The fact that you are born is significant, and means that you are important!

 

The 'issue' or 'problem' is that you do not need to be deceitful, dishonest or disingenuous in order to 'prove' that you deserve to be here.

 

The next 'issue' for you to deal with, is to get over your sense that you have the power to 'completely destroy' the sense of identity of some other person. You don't. That is on them.

 

Well said. And if I may, it’s pretty entitled thinking to believe that you have the power to ”completely destroy” another person... you may be completely surprised to realize how thankful he may be when you tell him the truth and he has the ability to make an informed decision about his future.

[Amethyst68]

I agree with the above posters - you need to tell your boyfriend. You had no issue cheating on him and he deserves the truth. You say you want to confess to relieve your guilt but it's just another way of avoiding facing the truth. Just remember if he's been her before he knows some of the signs you are trying to hide!

 

 

 

Besides, what happens the next time you sleep with the OM? You have not cut off communication and, by your own admission, are still interested in him. So the next time you go out with your colleagues and get drunk there is a high chance of this happening again, probably why this guy is sticking around.

[Vivv]

I agree with the above posters - you need to tell your boyfriend. You had no issue cheating on him and he deserves the truth. You say you want to confess to relieve your guilt but it's just another way of avoiding facing the truth. Just remember if he's been her before he knows some of the signs you are trying to hide!

 

 

 

Besides, what happens the next time you sleep with the OM? You have not cut off communication and, by your own admission, are still interested in him. So the next time you go out with your colleagues and get drunk there is a high chance of this happening again, probably why this guy is sticking around.

 

 

I have imagined in my head how it would go if I told him. It would feel awful. But it would get better, for me. He would be depressed at least a year or more. I know him and how his previous relationships have ended. And that's why I can't tell him. I have hurt him without him even knowing that. And yes, I know the truth can come out. If it comes, it comes. I will take responsibility and won't try to lie myself out of it. But I hope it will not come to that.

 

I have no intentions to sleep with that guy (or any other guy besides my bf) again. Yes, he still seems interesting, but I can fight it when I'm sober. And if our company has another wet party, I will be smarter and not go there.

And I have really thought about changing my employer. It won't be easy, but if this interest continues, I will have no other choice.

[Vivv]

It goes without saying, but if that is truly how you felt you wouldn’t have cheated.

 

 

 

 

What a crock! It’s not the telling of the truth that hurts someone, it is the cheating that hurts.

 

 

 

If you were really so concerned for this man and you didn’t want to hurt him, why did you cheat? It’s a little disingenuous to say that you are concerned that you don’t want to hurt him now...

 

I believe that you can’t tell him, really I do. It is for the same selfish reasons why you cheated - you are looking out for your own best interest, you refuse to make a decision or take accountability for your behavior.

 

I get your point, and yes, I have thought all of that. That is why I feel like crap. I regret going to that guys apartment. I shouldn't have done it. I should've been smarter. But you know should've and could've.. There's no use of them on the moment you say those words.

But you are wrong about the last part. If the person in question would be at least a little bit stronger emotionally, I would tell him. I really think that the best option from my point of view would be to tell him: I would be sad, but at least I could tell that I am somewhat honest person, and I did the right thing.

The option I chose means that IF we stay together, I will have to live with that knowledge and guilt every single ****ing day. For some people cheating doesn't feel like anything serious. I do take it seriously. I let somebody important down, and I know that only me myself am responsible for that.

[DKT3]

Being cheated on hardens the heart, I would be shocked if your boyfriend has allowed you to get as close to him as his last girlfriend.

 

I guess the issue you face here, with us is we've seen and heard it all. As stated before, if were really concerned with his emotional state you wouldn't have cheated. So what your saying is you were will to risk his emotional health for some cheap sex, but not willing to risk it for a chance to allow him to make a very important decision in his life such as choosing a life partner? Nope, not buying it. your unwillingness is purely based on your best Interests, those interests are holding on to your boyfriend until someone better comes along. I believe had this other guy shown himself to be better boyfriend material I think this would be a thread more about you dumping your current relationship.

[whichwayisup]

I have no intentions to sleep with that guy (or any other guy besides my bf) again. Yes, he still seems interesting, but I can fight it when I'm sober. And if our company has another wet party, I will be smarter and not go there.

And I have really thought about changing my employer. It won't be easy, but if this interest continues, I will have no other choice.

 

Respectfully I say this, quit drinking. The interest in this guy isn't going away, you're still sexually attracted to him. Even consider quitting your job if you plan on staying with your boyfriend.

 

Only you know your bf and his state of mind. Though I would hope he's moved on and mentally stronger since his previous relationship that ended badly.

 

Do you think he loves you more than you love him? After 3 years together and you two aren't living together and it seems you're not 'in love' with him but over time learned to 'love him' it's time to be really honest with yourself and ask the questions like he is the ONE for you? Can you picture a life and kids with him? If no then end it. If yes, then you owe him the truth so he can decide if he wants to give you a second chance.

[Cornputer]

I was in a situation like your boyfriend is in now. TELL HIM.

 

I was not told. THAT was what destroyed me. The lies. Don’t be that selfish.

[BluEyeL]

I think you shouldn't tell him but you must break up with him. Tell him you lost the feelings and you want him to find someone who loves him, or something along these lines. I think it's a bad idea to stay together. If you stay together, the truth will come out eventually and you'll drag this relationship on for too long, wasting his time.

 

Let him go now so he can heal and find someone better for him. You don't need to take care of him after. Actually, it's better to go no contact and explain to him that that's best so you both can move on.

 

But don't get on with the other guy right away, he may find out and figure out you cheated. Plus, the other guy sounds like an a**hole. Maybe find another job and start over.

[elaine567]

Save yourself and your bf a lot of heart ache by just breaking up and walking away.

 

No confessions needed.

Your relationship is effectively ruined, so why not just put it out of its misery sooner rather than later.

It will be a lot kinder than telling him you cheated and a lot kinder than you continuing to be "lost" and he having no idea why...

 

Yes he may be a bit sad it didn't work out, but cheating often breaks people.

It wrecks their confidence and self esteem, and leaves them unable to trust and makes them vulnerable and can even challenge their mental stability.

Clean break, walk away.

[oldtruck]

You need to learn how to drink socially. You wanted that

OM to have sex with you, this is why you kept escalating things

that night.

 

Even after the OM left you on the sofa as if you were a sex toy.

If he was a good man he would of picked you up and shared his

bed with you.

 

As to you BF, just tell him you do not see yourself getting married

to him now or in the future for the feelings are not there. So

we have to end our relationship so we both can find the One we

want to marry instead of wasting our youth.

 

Because you never had nor will have those feelings for your BF, so

dump him. That is the best kindness you can give your BF.

 

Telling your BF that you cheated is unkind, cruel (better yet0, and

it will only ease your own conscience and subconsciously you

are hoping that your BF will do the dirty work and dump you.

[lolita888]

I feel like crying for your boyfriend. It will definitely hurt him and break him (his confidence and everything).

 

 

The guy whom you cheated with seems like a user. He's used to it... everything he did was like a manipulation, he knew he will be able to bed you - especially when he invited you to his place and said that nothing sexual will happen...I doubt he really mean it. He knew something will happen and he planned for it.

 

 

He doesn't really have romantic feelings for you. He like you because he knew you are interested in him and that is his chance to have someone to bed.

[stillafool]

 

I have no intentions to sleep with that guy (or any other guy besides my bf) again. Yes, he still seems interesting, but I can fight it when I'm sober.

 

You were sober the next morning when you had sex with him again. You were upset because he didn't walk you to the door. I think you got a hint that the guy only wanted you for sex and that hurt your feelings so you decide it's best to stay with your bf who loves you.

[stillafool]

Because I don't think one should give up in a long relationship at once when feelings fade.

Of course there's always a possibility that they never return, but one should always try.

 

 

I would agree with you on this if you two were married. You are not. You are just in a relationship where one of you has lost the "in love" feelings and has cheated on the other. Therefore you cannot marry because there is a lie between you. You need to set him free so he can find a proper woman to marry and you can be with a man you are in love with. You may still care about and love your bf but it isn't the type of love that will sustain a marriage.