OW Question About NC

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

First time post, but I have read many forum posts on this site in the past... There are some very intelligent people here with lots of insight that I appreciate, this site is really a great resource.

 

Just some background, MM, 38, had a full fledged emotional affair for over a year with someone that lived in another state. We only met once initially, at a conference, nothing sexual occurred, but everything seemed to line up with one another in other ways from the get go during our conversation, similar upbringings, parallel thoughts, desires, pains and ambitions. A familiarity that you have with someone that you can't seem to explain, both mentally and physically, knowing what the other person was going to say next etc. I never had really connected this way with someone before, so the experience was completely foreign, but equally intriguing to me. We exchanged contact information, which eventually led to daily texting, phone conversations and video chatting. We shared all our dreams, aspirations and connected mentally and spiritually in a way that I have never done before with anyone. Due to the distance, and many complicated factors on my side (she was single), we both eventually decided it was not right to take our interactions any further unless I moved on from my situation.

 

In regards to my marriage, it was never bad, my wife was an excellent mother and person, frequent sex, but the mental and spiritual connection always seemed lacking for some reason, like an imaginary wall existed between us. I guess it is the old "cliche", you seek out what is missing from your current relationship, or are at least vulnerable to what is missing perhaps. I just never fully realized how vulnerable I really was until things got out of hand.

 

I was perfectly fine continuing as is, but did come to the realization that the whole entire situation was unfair to everyone involved, I told her she was better off without me, she should find someone who can give her all that she deserves, and it was important I tried to work things out with my wife, as the entire situation had taken its toll on my mental "presence" within the family. I confessed everything to her, and at this point, we are trying to rebuild trust, and work through the pain of the entire situation. I now fully understand that my affair was just as damaging, perhaps more so in some ways, than a physical one, and that is quite an unpleasant realization to say the least.

 

My question is essentially about going no contact from the OW's perspective, my AP left things very open ended, stating I was "the one", that she loved me like no other, and that if I were to move on fully, she would be there.

 

Have any of you left things open ended, meaning, did you provide a stipulation where a future would be possible if x and x were to occur? I imagine leaving the door open may just be a mechanism to emotionally detach, no real meaning in it whatsoever, but, for me, it seems to have impeded me from moving on fully. I do miss our conversations and connection, even though I understand it was wrong.

 

Hope can be a horrible thing, the world spins on, but it keeps one in limbo, wondering, emotional attachment fades slowly and is missed greatly unfortunately, at least for me.

 

 

Thanks,

[mark clemson]

I've never "left things open ended" as you describe, but I will say that I think you did the right thing in the end, as so few posters here seem to be able to do without months of turmoil. (But better late than never.)

 

She WILL get over you eventually (sounds like limerence) and the more complete your NC is then probably the sooner that will happen for her.

[Aloha123]

Yes and no. It has helped me move forward to think "well Aloha, if you are truly soulmates, then fate will bring you together, so you might as well let it go."

Spoiler alert - fate is not going to bring us together. That's never happening

But telling myself that, even if I do want to be with him, it's STILL better to let him go, that has helped me to justify the NC, at least in the early days. But I'm still in the "whatever it takes" mode, to get me through in the short run. I do realize that is not a good long term outlook!

 

In your case, though, in order to let to OW move on, if you do talk to her again, do NOT let her think there is any chance whatsoever of rekindling things down the line, if and when your circumstances change. That is not fair to her. At all. And it seems from your description that she will have a much harder time moving on. My mm did this to me saying, "there's no way I'm never seeing you again, if nothing else I know where your office building is and I'll show up at your work." I thought this was very unfair of him, because I'll probably spend the rest of my living days waiting for him to show up at work!

[pepperbird]

 

Hope can be a horrible thing

 

 

I agree. Sometimes I wish that Pandora had never released it, and it can be the greatest scourge of all.

 

 

Have you told your wife you feel this way? |I think you should. I think she deserves to know the lay of the land, as to me, it sounds like, if your ex-ow was to contact you today, you'd be drawn right back in. It's extremely unfair to give her false hope, which is what you're doing. Give her the details, and let her decide with a full knowledge of your feelings, what she wants to do.

Anything less is acting like the back end of a mule, and honestly, you don't strike me as that sort of guy.

[Patrice]

communication, I realized for me to be my best self - I needed to move forward with my life. He would pop up from time to time in the years after, and would try again to promise that his marriage was ending, but I saw no proof that this was happening. I began to dread him popping up and it would fill me with anxiety - because nothing ever changed, and I believe he is still with the wife he said he hated. I am relieved that I don't have to listen to hours of him complaining about her without doing something about it. It was not my problem anymore. Let her go, and don't communicate with her. This is the kindest thing you can do for her and for your wife. Let her move forward to an available man, and live her life.

[pepperbird]

communication, Let her move forward to an available man, and live her life.

 

 

I second this.

There's a saying about loving someone enough to let them go if it's what's right for them.

[FMW]

From my experience as an OW that really did love the MM, don't leave it open ended. End it, clean cut.

 

Open ended allows the thought of "what if" to linger in the back of your mind as well as hers.

[Amethyst68]

What was your reside to the OW? Did you tell her you were recommitting to your wife or did you leave it open ended as well? If you told her there was no chance then I would just keep going with NC, but you need to block her from all avenues of communication and delete her contact details.

 

 

 

If you didn't make it clear then you need to decide what you really want.If it's your marriage then you have to fight for it, if not then do the right thing and leave, do not restart the affair. Either way tell your wife if there is any contact.

 

I also agree you should tell your wife everything, especially if you've minimised your feelings or pull towards the OW.

[Naivewomen]

I beg you to set the OW free. You love your wife their is no room for a third party. Too many people get hurt. Sorry you had a connection it truly sxxks when this happens because I believe it's a rare occurrence but it's not meant to be. So do the right thing. All I wanted was for my MM too set me free because he knew I didnt have the strength too do it.

[lolita888]

If you are going to end it then end it completely. Explain it as good as you can to the OW. Listen to what she have to say but don't ever give her that "hope" or thought that maybe there is still a chance. Be kind to her as you end things.

 

 

If she tells you that "You are the one" and that she will wait for you - tell her not to wait anymore because you are already married. There is no future for the both of you.

[elaine567]

In regards to my marriage, it was never bad, my wife was an excellent mother and person, frequent sex, but the mental and spiritual connection always seemed lacking for some reason, like an imaginary wall existed between us.

 

^^^ this is your problem.

I guess no amount of therapy or sorting things out with your wife will completely solve this, so I guess on some level this open-ended arrangement with your OW suits you, even when you know it is "wrong".

[darkbloom]

As an OW that’s in a similar situation, you need to either let your wife go completely or let the OW go completely. If you try to hold on to both you will never move on. Don’t leave the door open unless you 100% intend to go through it.

[Turning point]

When you read about the futility of these "emotional affairs" it all seems quite foolish.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that the OW is just stringing you along? My ex dis thid with over a half dozen MM, and she was quite diligent about placing just enough obstacles to frustrate escalating the affair that it drove them crazy mad for her.

 

When I read your fourth paragraph I'm struck by the incredible selfishness and self gratification of it. First the feigned love story is a selfish act just as you describe. But, after pining all this time for a fantasy (a woman you truly know NOTHING about) you have the audacity to practically congratulate yourself for breaking your wife's heart by letting her know she's the runner up in your fantasy world.

 

To be honest, I have nothing to contribute to your query other than to let you know that from the outside looking in this whole description of the long distance (electronic) experience sounds delusional. My heart goes out to your wife because I feel like a year or two from now you're going to realize just want an empty shell of a fantasy this was and regret not having sorted it out in your head before giving her the big let down.

[pepperbird]

Seems to me like more adults should be paying attention to the advice given to kids/youth about putting to much stock into online relationships.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

Thank you all for your feedback, I appreciate it very much, and allows me to gain better insight into things.

 

I just want to do the right thing, but with life, things are never black and white, so it is always difficult to know exactly what is right. I knew my actions were wrong, but I am not necessarily sure if my feelings were, I knew I had little control over them.

 

When she mentioned those things to me, it was the same discussion that I was shutting things down, realizing what it had all became, and what it would never be. Being a part-time-dad, blowing up my family, I know I wouldn't be capable, and by the time I got to her, there would be nothing left of me.

 

Mark Clemson - I agree, she WILL get over me eventually, and it is best I step out of the way forever to allow that to happen, but the pain remains, and trying to reconcile that is the hardest part.

 

Aloha - I agree, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I have a lot of guilt over that, It isn't right to string her along in any way, I never wanted to in the first place.

 

Pepperbird - Pandora's box, YES, you are completely right, I am sickened that I opened it is such a way, hurting the person that was always there by my side, how do you move on when you know that person exists now? Someone who you may have arguably had such a connection with that you may never find again? I wish I never opened it, though, because the circumstances in which I did, I don't deserve any of its splendor. My wife knows everything, when we argue, she tells me to go and be with her. I would be drawn back in, I know I am still very vulnerable, but I am committed to not be the first to contact. I really just want what is best for everyone, whatever that is.

 

Patrice - Thank you for this perspective, I certainly don't want to cause discomfort to the OW now, and don't plan on being the person that does. I never complained about my wife to her, she is a good woman that deserves better than me and what I have done, they both deserve better, I know.

 

Amethyst - Thank you, she knows my position, what I wrote above. Both my wife and OW told me the exact same thing, that I need to fight for what I want, although I am more worried about everyone else to be honest, I got swept up in all this, so it is my responsibility to fix everything, but I know I am still torn. I can't hurt my kids, knowing what this will do to them, I just need to forget and move on.

 

Naivewomen - It is rare, I guess that is the issue, I wish I knew she never existed, blissfully ignorant is much more tolerable.

 

Lolita - Thank you, I know she knows, and if she does reach out again, I will make this completely clear. From her ending words, perhaps she was just trying to create more doubt in my mind, knowing that I would be tortured by it, and in reality, I do deserve it because of the manner in which I let things get out of hand.

 

Elaine - You are correct, it is a HUGE problem, one that we either work on, or move on in a functional manner, of course we both deserve to see it through. It did suit me, because my void was being filled, but the guilt eventually overrode it all.

 

Darkbloom - I don't intend to leave any door open, she did in the end, I am just tortured by it at the moment, hoping that it will change.

 

Turning Point - Thank you, it was all foolish, and I do realize it was all fueled by fantasy, but things do seem quite real when you realize a connection. Feelings can't be measured, or forced, and when they do occur, even though the situation may be somewhat fictitious, their ability to persuade can be completely overpowering. She did mention to me that she could be quite manipulative, which I always took caution to. She begged me on so many different occasions to come be with her for real, I believe it was me who was stringing her along, looking back, I was quite cruel in fact, something I will probably regret forever. I agree, the whole entire situation was completely selfish, in some ways, I believe I rationalized it all by believing it was all JUST fantasy, but now realize that REAL people were involved, REAL people that I have hurt. I am ashamed and guilt-ridden about it all, as well I should be, and in it all, I had to be honest about it, as I said above, I just want to do the right thing for everyone.

[Naivewomen]

Way to go!! Sounds like you have your ducks in a row!! Way too many people get hurt just on a mere fantasy!! Go complete NC and invest fully in your family for this will be your greatest reward!! I was almost too late! Please listen and keep reading to other posters with this experience. I'm so happy a MM came on this board to discuss his feelings.

[pepperbird]

op,

a word of advice form someone who has been where your wife is.

Please don't dither around while you make up your mind.

You say you have chosen your wife/marriage/family. Great. Now what?

 

In your shoes, this is what I would do, I'm sorry if it's not perfect advice but hopefully, there will be something you can use.

 

 

First, I would write a letter/email to your ex-ow. In it, be very clear that it is over. Don't give false hope and let her know that there is no potential for your relationship with her to be rekindled in the future. Be kind, but please, don't give any false hope. Encourage her to seek out someone new, and wish her well. The goal is to let her know with 100 percent certainty, that there is no reason for her to hold on to hope. I know the break up has already come and gone, but form what you say, it may have been an open ended break-at least in her mind.

 

If you wish, allow your wife to see the correspondence, but not dictate it. Send it to your ex-ow as either a registered letter or from a web based ( like gmail) email account you and your wife both have passwords to. Once it has been sent, then it's time to start the reconciliation process in earnest. It's not going to be easy ( and you may have to eat a lot of crow) and some of it may be really difficult. You may find yourself facing certain parts of yourself you don't like.

 

The good news? If you and your wife are serious about reconciliation and are willing to ride the rollercoaster until things settle out, you and your wife stand an excellent chance of getting through this as a stronger couple.

 

one thing you may have to deal with for some time is a lack of trust form your wife as well as what some call "mind movies" in her. These really blow! My guess is these happen because the human mind will oftne "fill in the blanks". In her mind, she may well have built up a whole set of conversations you and your ex-ow had, and she may well believe you opened up to her about your marriage, wife, and what you didn't like about them. I can almost guarantee you that whatever she builds in her mind will be far worse than the reality. This is why I would suggest to you that you sit down with your wife and ask her if she has any questions. If she feels she can't verbalize them, have her write them out. Encourage her to do this...if she can't talk, write. She can write about her feelings about the A, the future of your marriage, what she needs from you, etc.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

Way to go!! Sounds like you have your ducks in a row!! Way too many people get hurt just on a mere fantasy!! Go complete NC and invest fully in your family for this will be your greatest reward!! I was almost too late! Please listen and keep reading to other posters with this experience. I'm so happy a MM came on this board to discuss his feelings.

 

 

Thank you for your input, really do appreciate it.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

op,

a word of advice form someone who has been where your wife is.

Please don't dither around while you make up your mind.

You say you have chosen your wife/marriage/family. Great. Now what?

 

 

 

Thanks, I have move my brain and thoughts away from the OW for good, that has essentially been the toughest part thus far, everything that happened was mostly in the mind, so a full shift in perspective is still necessary. I started talking to a therapist, so hopefully that will help.

 

 

 

I have thought about writing again, to at least to shut the door permanently and apologize for everything, but it has been 8 weeks already and I don't believe she thinks there will be anything further anyways. I made it pretty clear when we last spoke that everything got out of hand and I needed to work on my marriage. Honestly, I feel in some sense she threw the last wrench in to cast some doubt in my mind, which it has a bit, or just a means to begin emotionally detaching. I am fairly certain she isn't sitting around waiting for me, as she said on multiple occasions she wouldn't, so it may be best for me to leave it as is.

 

 

I am ready to face myself, since everything happened, I really don't like who I have become, and really can't believe it. I honestly thought I was impenetrable to such circumstances, but I see clearly that I wasn't.

 

 

 

What you say is interesting, I had saved most of the correspondence I had with the other woman, except the phone calls of course, so when I confessed, she took my phone and read quite a bit of it. She was of course very hurt, but did say she felt better knowing everything. I was more ashamed and embarrassed about it all, and even more hurt that she had to read it knowing what it all contained.

 

 

 

Te writing idea is a great one, I will see if she wants to, that may help her too I would imagine.

 

 

Thanks for all your feedback, you really are very wise and insightful and I appreciate it.

Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

Thanks for all your feedback, you really are very wise and insightful and I appreciate it.

 

 

I don't think I'm all that wise. I've just advised what I have learned from both perosnal experience and from reading on here.

 

 

IMHO, most WS aren't bad people. They've made some bad decisions. I have every belief that those who recognize this and are willing to learn and grow from the experience have an excellent chance of never doing it again. |

You have a lot of positives. You don't blame anyone else for your actions, you are able to empathize with both your wife and your now ex-ow. You were kind in how you ended your relationship with her. That bodes well for you:) it's not going to be an easy road to reconcilitaion, but I'll tell you this...It is well worth it.