ConfusedMarriedGuy Posted March 1, 2019 Share Posted March 1, 2019 My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15. I had a child from when I was 16. Yes I started young. Then 5 years later I had one with her. Now he is 13 and I dont want any more kids cause I've felt like I been taking care of one since I was a kid. That is a normal feeling right? Now after all these years I come to realize that I been contempt with my life all this time and not sure if I'm still in love with my wife. We both have changed physically and spiritually. We can talk about just anything and we dont argue like most couples. She is a good wife but I dont find myself attractive to her and I cant find too many things we share in common. I guess its possible that all this started when the intimacy fell out of the relationship. We are always together but I cant find that spark like I once had. We sit and eat together without conversation sometimes. Why did I lose it? I also feel like I've been committed to someone since I was 16. Is it normal to fall out of love and want to venture out? Sometimes I want to he single and just date but not commit to someone. I'm lost and struggling with my self. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 So I'm guessing you're 34? I'm 46, I have twin 20 yr old kids and a three yr old from my second marriage. I've been doing it for longer than you. Keep in mind that life you are thinking about comes with child support, going out on your own and living by yourself. Dating around gets old. Try a separation first without dating and see if you miss your life, because you could very well end up by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 ConfusedMarriedGuy, The problem is not necessarily with your wife, or your marriage, or your (lack of) sex life. If you are looking at people, circumstances and conditions outside of yourself to 'complete' or fulfill you, then that is the problem. New outer experiences are only going to temporarily fill the hole. You say that you have changed spiritually, but what have you done to keep up with that change? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 (edited) Nahhh , sorry but that's just mostly internet talk which is usually a far cry from the real thing. This stuff happens in a marriage particulary the attraction thing , many people change physically that much over years you would not recognize them especially after kids and that alone all the flash talk and reflecting in the world can't change. Sometimes they still look as good as ever , but it all just gets old , especially if you started that young, and especially if you never had your single years. That alone has ruined 1000s of marriages. But that's only a fraction of the story. There's also as he described the connection or lack of and still declining , there's the love or the changes in that or even the lack of that anymore, there's just plane interest , or lack of , in the other person and 100 other things. It's a very very real and very complicated sitch one l was in myself after 20yrs of marriage. Op , to my mind the only choice you have is to step back and away for awhile , some time alone , hopefully not as big as a trial separation just yet but yeah, you def' need to get away. Let the things between you , and feelings, everything, come to the surface. lt may be good , you might still love her and miss the hell out of her, but you need to be away from it all for awhile to let it all come out whichever way it goes. Edited March 2, 2019 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 I tend to agree, you had children and married at a very young age. The people you were when you first got together is not who you are today. It seems only natural that you would wonder what you’ve “missed” and want to explore... I would also say that relationships obviously don’t keep their early excitement... having live with the same person for so many years, you do fall into a routine and sometimes there is nothing to talk about. Relationships go through good times and bad. They also take work to continue to grow and develop, without that investment they tend to wither and die... I would just caution you - what you have is what most people want. The grass in not always greener on the other side of the fence and dating is... well, demoralizing sometimes. While it is possible that you have grown apart, I would do what I could to breathe some life back into my relationship before letting it go. Perhaps counselling is a good plan to explore why you are feeling so restless... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15. I had a child from when I was 16. Yes I started young. Then 5 years later I had one with her. Now he is 13 and I dont want any more kids cause I've felt like I been taking care of one since I was a kid. So your oldest child is not with your current wife, right? Does he live with you? We sit and eat together without conversation sometimes. Were you single, what would you talking about with some girl you just met? I find most married people romanticize (aspects of) the single life and the reverse is true for those who find themselves unattached. Be very careful what you wish for, as has been pointed out divorce certainly has its drawbacks, including potentially watching someone else raise your kids. As Bailey suggested, counseling would bring some clarity to your situation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 Different situation, but I had the grass is greener syndrome with a longterm BF in my 20s. I started to feel platonic about him, and wondered what was out there. We were soulmates but I only realized much later. And the grass was in no way greener as I thought. I wish I had tried to find ways to make the relationship exciting again. I didn’t. I just assumed if it was not that exciting anymore it prob meant I didn’t love him anymore or he was the wrong man for me. I was mistaken. All I’m saying is maybe it’s a good idea to try and revive the romance part, put some effort into doing new things. I don’t think it’s impossible. Believe me, the dating world here outside sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 I think it would be very hard to still have a spark after being married a long time, but bless those who do. It's not unusual at all to feel you missed something because of having kids too young. I think it's normal, but you do have to realize you DID have kids and can't just stop taking them into consideration and weigh how big of a hardship it would be on your wife or your kids if you left. I totally get the urge, but the reality is family should be more important than urges, in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
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