A close friend is mad at me coz I said no

[Autumn Sunflower]

Hi

 

Do you say yes all the time if a friend asks for a favour that you aren't comfortable with?

 

I have a really good friend. We are in our 40s. I am single. She's divorced with a child and dog. Has no family here.

 

I love animals. She has asked me a few times like 5 times in the past to come sleep at her from up to a week to 2 weeks while she went overseas or on a spontaneous trip with a guy. I always said yes although it ruined my days as I don't sleep.. And I hardly function at work. I am scared sleeping at her place and I sleep for maybe 2 hours. She knows but she keeps on asking.

When I had surgery and she wanted to go overseas she found a doggy sitter.

 

On Sunday she sent me a message that she wants to go with her son for a week and the sitter isn't available on the days she wants to fly with her son.

She asked me. I replied that I don't even look after my sister's dogs as I don't fall asleep if it is not in my bed. She knows my sister takes a sitter now.

Later again I sent a message to say that I am sorry and explained myself again. She didn't respond.

Not new news to her.

Since then she has been cold.. Doesn't want to meet..

Last night she posted a pic that she went out with another friend and she always invites me as she doesn't like hanging out with her alone.

 

What you guys think? Do you say yes all the time?

 

Thanks

Edited March 2, 2019 by Autumn Sunflower

[darkmoon]

"keeps on asking"? have you recently grown out of being her lackey, angering her by saying no suddenly? has she chosen you over some other friend for her dog-sitting? why ask only you?

Edited March 2, 2019 by darkmoon

[Autumn Sunflower]

Will agree and she knows it. Coz I said yes 5 times she thinks I need to do it all the time I guess. But, I finally decided that if it is uncomfortable for me and ruins my days I need to love myself and say no.

[d0nnivain]

You are allowed to say no.

 

I do have a Q though. Is there a reason you can't bring the dog to your house or just go over there & let it out?

 

She is the one who wanted a pet. If she wants to travel, then it's her responsibility to get a dog sitter of pay for a kennel. It's not your responsibility.

 

If she doesn't get over this, she was no friend to begin with.

[Autumn Sunflower]

I have 2 cats at home and I currently live with my mom until my own house is built ?.

She wants someone to sleep there.

 

And, I go to work with public transportation as car parking is expensive and she does not live in my city. So, if I go to her before work that means I have to get up at 4 am.

 

My best friend used to ask me to look after her cat when she went away as she lived right across the road from me. Then she moved further away bu same city. She knows I go to work really early and with public transportation. She herself told me that she found a sitter as she doesn't think it is fair to ask me now.

It came from her. We are still best friends. She said to me her cat isn't my responsibility.

 

It feels as if my other friend thinks I HAVE to look after her dog. Thank goodness my sister understood that I just don't fall asleep and she took a sitter and me and my sister are still great friends.

[d0nnivain]

She chose to have a pet. It's on her. You tried looking after the dog but your work & lack of sleep make that impossible. She's not a very good friend if she doesn't understand that you are not in a position to help her.

 

I'm still on your side in saying no but I'm trying for a compromise. You say you take public transportation because parking is expensive. What if while she's gone you drove to work but she paid your parking? That doesn't fix the sleep issue but it's path to compromise.

[Autumn Sunflower]

And my mom won't be pleased to be left without a car. We share the car now.

And, I don't think she will leave her dog alone all night.. I wouldn't ?.

 

Honestly, coz of the way she's acting.. Not wanting to meet.. Not inviting me out since I said no, not really replying to my messages, then I don't want to try and I definitely don't want to have to wake up extra early for her now and to go out of my way also after work.

 

I had red flags that she might not be a true friend but I ignored them as nobody is perfect.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't realize how petty she was being. Sorry.

[FMW]

She sounds selfish and self-absorbed. And maybe a bit of a user.

 

You have nothing to feel bad about.

[Autumn Sunflower]

as I don't want to lose a friend but she didn't really respond and went out last night without inviting me and she always invites me and vice versa.

(I know she is allowed to go out without inviting me but what I am trying to say that normally it doesn't happen).

Today, I tried again but she didn't really respond. My best friend told me she thinks I need to stop trying...

[whichwayisup]

If she is angry that you said no and is ignoring you, possibly ending the friendship over this then back off and stop contacting her. Wait until she contacts you and then tell her that you're very disappointed and hurt that reacted badly to you saying no to her. Helping a friend out is great but she is taking full advantage and has high expectations on you. People have their own lives and are busy so she can't assume you're going to be there every single time she needs you. Many people get dog sitters or even put their pup in a vacation dog place (can't remember the name of it off the top of my head) and the dog is well taken care of.

 

You don't have to end the friendship with her just give it time and her space to cool off and hopefully you two can talk it out when she's over it.

[preraph]

She wants her dogs in their usual environment so she doesn't have to worry about someone walking them and them freaking out and running away. It's a big thing to ask. I don't see why you need to sleep there, though it might be easier than going over at 10 at night and again at 8 in the morning.

 

I know the trouble with petsitters is they leave them too long overnight, don't let them out late enough, though they usually come round early in the morning. But like my dogs are used to their last "out" being about 11 at night, so they do have their little schedules. Paid pet sitters aren't very flexible. My main fear is someone letting the dog out when they come over, or bringing a kid with them who will be careless.

 

That said, it's too much to ask. If she's that picky, she could hire a house sitter or a pet sitter to house sit. It's just scary not knowing if they're actually any good or not. One pet sitter I hired, I left it in writing that this was my first night away and that because of that when he came in the morning, just to let them out to go to the bathroom but bring them right back in and lock the dog door.

 

I got home and had a cheery note from him that said it was such a pretty day and the dogs were enjoying the sun so he just left them out -- and one of my dogs was missing. She'd never tried to get out before, was the calmest dog I ever had, but she knew something was wrong when her mom didn't show up by morning and jumped over the fence plus dug a hole and went looking for me. Fortunately, a neighbor grabbed her. No thanks to that idiot pet sitter. I let him have it and left bad reviews everywhere and will still to this day.

 

She needs to find two good petsitters and shell out the money to get them to stay the night or take turns or take shifts.

[Cersei]

Don't you dare feel bad for saying no. She got the pets so they are her responsibility.

 

I had a friend who had this old dog who was in good health. She got a new boyfriend who did not want the dog at his house. She considered putting it down because it was an inconvenience!

 

That dog was in the kennel so much so they could go away for the weekend. I never felt this was right.

[preraph]

Why don't you ask her why she hadn't gotten a roommate who like pets.

[Watercolors]

The only way to get friends to respect you, is by teaching them what your boundaries are. That's hard to do b/c it involves telling the other person "no."

 

Why should you always be your friend's dog-sitter? Why does she expect you to be at her beck and call to watch her dog? Sounds like she took advantage of your good nature and got mad at you when you put up the boundary by saying "no" to her. She'll have to get over it. If she doesn't, she wasn't much of a friend to begin with.

[emeraldgreen]

as I don't want to lose a friend but she didn't really respond and went out last night without inviting me and she always invites me and vice versa.

(I know she is allowed to go out without inviting me but what I am trying to say that normally it doesn't happen).

Today, I tried again but she didn't really respond. My best friend told me she thinks I need to stop trying...

 

Her friendship is conditional. You've already lost her because she only wants to hear YES.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Autumn, I wouldn't have done it the first time and it would have been ok with me to lose a friendship with someone who expected me to do what she's asking. I also would never ask such a favor of anyone.

[healing light]

This woman sounds like she's using you. Are you even being compensated for watching her pet?

 

As an insomniac, this is an easy NO from me. Sleep is huge. She can pay to have her pet boarded or have a house sitter who doesn't mind watching the pet.