Do women who are very successful have difficulty dating

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

This is a question for anyone who dates women, as well as successful women who are dating (or trying to).

 

Is a woman who is very successful, perhaps even more successful than a potential date, a turn off? If you are a very successful woman do you find yourself having a difficult time finding dates? I’m in search of a date who isn’t intimidated by me!

 

Thanks

Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[salparadise]

I've dated a few very successful women, depending on how you define it I guess. One was an oral surgeon (Mensa, high income), another was a PhD psychologist/professor. I like them because they're intellectually curious, and like to discuss the complexities of life, politics, human nature, and many other things. They were both socially progressive with a depth of awareness that I find attractive. I'm not intimidated even though I don't match on education or income level.

 

I think the problem for most very successful women is that they only want a man who is equally successful, and this obviously narrows their dating pool. On top of that, they want someone who is very attractive and worldly. But such men are in high demand, and some just aren't interested in an equal so much as someone who will look up to them and be supportive. So these women sometimes paint themselves into a corner with the equal or better expectation. All men also factor in the attraction element, and after a certain age may be looking at younger women... so there can be some offset in terms of what appeals to men vs. women.

 

So yes, they often have a smaller pool, mostly due to higher expectations and the intimidation factor that you mention.

[Woggle]

Successful and educated women marry more often and divorce less. This is a statistical fact. Some women might hide a terrible personality behind the claim that men don't like successful and independent women but in general this isn't the case these days.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Thanks for your post. I’m glad it’s possible!

 

I’m not looking for someone as successful as I am, nor an Adonis. I’ve found that very successful men prefer much younger women and/or they want someone successful but not AS successful as they are.

 

I met a lovely man who was a teacher who wouldn’t date be because he felt “he couldn’t keep up with me” and I was “out of his league”. I tried to get him to understand that wasn’t an issue and I didn’t see it that way. Alas it was not to be.

 

 

I've dated a few very successful women, depending on how you define it I guess. One was an oral surgeon (Mensa, high income), another was a PhD psychologist/professor. I like them because they're intellectually curious, and like to discuss the complexities of life, politics, human nature, and many other things. They were both socially progressive with a depth of awareness that I find attractive. I'm not intimidated even though I don't match on education or income level.

 

I think the problem for most very successful women is that they only want a man who is equally successful, and this obviously narrows their dating pool. On top of that, they want someone who is very attractive and worldly. But such men are in high demand, and some just aren't interested in an equal so much as someone who will look up to them and be supportive. So these women sometimes paint themselves into a corner with the equal or better expectation. All men also factor in the attraction element, and after a certain age may be looking at younger women... so there can be some offset in terms of what appeals to men vs. women.

 

So yes, they often have a smaller pool, mostly due to higher expectations and the intimidation factor that you mention.

[littleblackheart]

I'm neither successful (I have a PhD and a job I like - calling that successful would be a big stretch) nor am I trying to date so I can't answer the OP out of experience but I know a few people who appear 'successful' on the outside but are a hot mess mentally and / or emotionally.

 

So what defines a successful woman, to you? (asking out of curiosity).

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I'm neither successful (I have a PhD and a job I like - calling that successful would be a big stretch) nor am I trying to date so I can't answer the OP out of experience but I know a few people who appear 'successful' on the outside but are a hot mess mentally and / or emotionally.

 

So what defines a successful woman, to you? (asking out of curiosity).

 

Successful to me means healthy, happy, content, and kind to others.

 

In the scope of this thread I am referring to successful as either or both: prestige in career (or in another way) and/or financial privilege.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Successful and educated women marry more often and divorce less. This is a statistical fact. Some women might hide a terrible personality behind the claim that men don't like successful and independent women but in general this isn't the case these days.

 

For the purpose of this thread let’s assume the woman in question is a nice person with a good personality.

[littleblackheart]

Successful to me means healthy, happy, content, and kind to others.

 

In the scope of this thread I am referring to successful as either or both: prestige in career (or in another way) and/or financial privilege.

 

If she's all these things and is open-minded and not flaunting her wealth or success, not sure why she'd have trouble dating at all tbh.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

If she's all these things and is open-minded and not flaunting her wealth or success, not sure why she'd have trouble dating at all tbh.

 

Could be an age thing (50) but I just saw a thread below this by a member called Foxall which is interesting. Maybe check that out he’s on the other side .

[salparadise]

I saw that thread, although I didn't read the whole thing. I can definitely relate to what he's saying.

 

Neither of the successful women I dated designed their profiles to emphasize their superwoman status. They were more than humble in terms of how they described themselves and what they were looking for. Only after the first few dates did I realize the degree of career success they enjoyed.

 

On the other hand, I am matched right now on OKC with a woman that has a superwoman profile. I haven't messaged her. She's setting the bar so high that it's just not appealing. I'm thinking such a man probably doesn't exist, and it certainly isn't me. She wants a combination of Rodin's Thinker, and Michelangelo's David... in an Italian suit, trim and fit, with all his hair, and movie-star teeth.

 

Why would a normal, humble man subject himself to that judgy mentality? Everyone who messages her is going to be narcissistic –– which might be a good match! If there is one thing I've learned through dating, it's that you have to find someone who can love a person for who they are, not for how well they match an image they have in their head... tarnished, dented, rattling armor and all.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I saw that thread, although I didn't read the whole thing. I can definitely relate to what he's saying.

 

Neither of the successful women I dated designed their profiles to emphasize their superwoman status. They were more than humble in terms of how they described themselves and what they were looking for. Only after the first few dates did I realize the degree of career success they enjoyed.

 

On the other hand, I am matched right now on OKC with a woman that has a superwoman profile. I haven't messaged her. She's setting the bar so high that it's just not appealing. I'm thinking such a man probably doesn't exist, and it certainly isn't me. She wants a combination of Rodin's Thinker, and Michelangelo's David... in an Italian suit, trim and fit, with all his hair, and movie-star teeth.

 

Why would a normal, humble man subject himself to that judgy mentality? Everyone who messages her is going to be narcissistic –– which might be a good match! If there is one thing I've learned through dating, it's that you have to find someone who can love a person for who they are, not for how well they match an image they have in their head... tarnished, dented, rattling armor and all.

 

I’m pretty dented myself, and not judgy. My biggest requirement is no heavy drinking because I’ve been in recovery for years and my sobriety is integral to my life.

[mark clemson]

As has been pointed out, the cliche is that the "alpha" female would prefer an even more "alpha" male as her "worthy" partner. Cliches are usually there for a reason, but there are always numerous exceptions too.

 

I suspect an ordinary Joe (e.g. high school teacher) dating a very successful woman might be inclined to self-disqualify out of fear. Specifically he would worry that his potential wife would become the target of a high-powered male in her social/professional circle, and he simply wouldn't be able to compete for her attraction.

 

If he had great looks or very high self confidence or other draws such as inherited wealth he might be more inclined to take what is from his perspective a big gamble.

 

There are also presumably some men out there who wouldn't worry about this. I'm guessing they would be few and far between. Maybe try to date a doctor/lawyer/dentist?

 

Full disclosure: I'm not dating.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

As has been pointed out, the cliche is that the "alpha" female would prefer an even more "alpha" male as her "worthy" partner. Cliches are usually there for a reason, but there are always numerous exceptions too.

 

I suspect an ordinary Joe (e.g. high school teacher) dating a very successful woman might be inclined to self-disqualify out of fear. Specifically he would worry that his potential wife would become the target of a high-powered male in her social/professional circle, and he simply wouldn't be able to compete for her attraction.

 

If he had great looks or very high self confidence or other draws such as inherited wealth he might be more inclined to take what is from his perspective a big gamble.

 

There are also presumably some men out there who wouldn't worry about this. I'm guessing they would be few and far between. Maybe try to date a doctor/lawyer/dentist?

 

Full disclosure: I'm not dating.

 

Typically age appropriate doctors/lawyers/dentists want younger women.

 

Without lying and not being authentic how is a woman supposed to just show that at her foundation she’s a woman the same as any other and that she is capable of giving and receiving love and she’s not a “gamble” just because she may have more resources? What I have doesn’t mean I’m not sincere and open to a date from any walk of life who is a good person and interested in me.

[d0nnivain]

I am what many would consider a successful woman. I have a post graduate degree, & own my own business in a male dominated field. When I was last dating more then a dozen years ago, I had recently opened that business & was doing a lot of things to actively promote it so I was in the paper a lot (back when that was a thing -- lol). I served on 3 Boards of Trustees, plus I was a PT college professor & an instructor for the local SBDC (a gov't based business advisory group).

 

Prior to finding myself single at 35, I'd had a series of long term relationships, including a living together situation that lasted about 10 years. I had never met a partner outside of an academic environment. Ironically I had met by last BF at a HS homecoming game. Since I started college I was never really short of male companionship except for 1 year between the end of my last relationship & meeting DH. During that time I tried OLD & hated it. I have always said that e-Harmony delivered "on paper". My matches were men with at least a college education who were all well compensated for what they did. I just didn't find them attractive & would not have talked to them IRL; through OLD I tried to convince myself to be more open minded & date men I didn't find sexy because they were quality people. That did not work for me.

 

So here I was with all these skills that made me a successful businesswoman. They didn't necessarily make me a good date or GF. I listened to what that Millionaire Matchmaker from TV always said to the women millionaires on her show -- back off, let the man lead because he doesn't want a competitor in bed. It was hard. I was so used to being the boss & being in charge. It was hard to turn it off come 7 p.m. when it was time for my dates. But I did. I worked to be demure & to flatter my dates rather than besting them. Granted I also threw it out there to the universe that I wanted a good man, who was strong enough to let me be weak. I sat on my hands & bit my tongue a bit but eventually I met & married my husband. He's a Marine vet who was going to college on line at night when we met & delivering newspapers to make ends meet. I was impressed by his work ethic. There were some struggles, & we had to learn to communicate inside a marriage.

 

So, overall I firmly believe that strong women have a certain challenges in dating. Any time you put yourself out there you need to have good sense of self: who you are, what you bring to the table, what your faults are & where your morals & boundaries lie.

Edited March 2, 2019 by d0nnivain

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I am what many would consider a successful woman. I have a post graduate degree, & own my own business in a male dominated field. When I was last dating more then a dozen years ago, I had recently opened that business & was doing a lot of things to actively promote it so I was in the paper a lot (back when that was a thing -- lol). I served on 3 Boards of Trustees, plus I was a PT college professor & an instructor for the local SBDC (a gov't based business advisory group).

 

Prior to finding myself single at 35, I'd had a series of long term relationships, including a living together situation that lasted about 10 years. I had never met a partner outside of an academic environment. Ironically I had met by last BF at a HS homecoming game. Since I started college I was never really short of male companionship except for 1 year between the end of my last relationship & meeting DH. During that time I tried OLD & hated it. I have always said that e-Harmony delivered "on paper". My matches were men with at least a college education who were all well compensated for what they did. I just didn't find them attractive & would not have talked to them IRL; through OLD I tried to convince myself to be more open minded & date men I didn't find sexy because they were quality people. That did not work for me.

 

So here I was with all these skills that made me a successful businesswoman. They didn't necessarily make me a good date or GF. I listened to what that Millionaire Matchmaker from TV always said to the women millionaires on her show -- back off, let the man lead because he doesn't want a competitor in bed. It was hard. I was so used to being the boss & being in charge. It was hard to turn it off come 7 p.m. when it was time for my dates. But I did. I worked to be demure & to flatter my dates rather than besting them. Granted I also threw it out there to the universe that I wanted a good man, who was strong enough to let me be weak. I sat on my hands & bit my tongue a bit but eventually I met & married my husband. He's a Marine vet who was going to college on line at night when we met & delivering newspapers to make ends meet. I was impressed by his work ethic. There were some struggles, & we had to learn to communicate inside a marriage.

 

So, overall I firmly believe that strong women have a certain challenges in dating. Any time you put yourself out there you need to have good sense of self: who you are, what you bring to the table, what your faults are & where your morals & boundaries lie.

 

You sound like an extremely intelligent and accomplished woman. How did you cope with reversing your tendencies to be “demure” and did you feel odd or inauthentic holding your tongue etc.?

 

I’m not alpha in my personal life usually and I’m still struggling!

[d0nnivain]

How did you cope with reversing your tendencies to be “demure” and did you feel odd or inauthentic holding your tongue etc.?

 

I still struggle with it. DH sometimes has to remind me that I'm trying to debate people about issues who just want to believe what they want to believe from an uninformed emotional place, not an intellectual one & I get frustrated.

 

It felt a little inauthentic to bite my tongue but not like I was selling my soul. Two things from my initial encounters with DH.

 

We met at a business card exchange. He wasn't taking any flirtatious initiative but I thought he was really hot & I wanted to go out with him. Upon meeting him I actually thought he was a player because he was that good looking & I was up for a whirlwind romance. Unlike many women I liked players because they "Give good date." You know there will be romance; it will be exciting & he'll be good in bed. You just can't give your heart away. So I was flirting under that premise. Unbeknownst to me at the time, DH was the furthest thing from a player & he'd had about 3 dates in the last 10 years. I was at a loss as to why he wasn't picking up the signals I was throwing out. In desperation to make him feel more masculine & to get some alone time with him, when the event was winding down I asked him to walk me to my car in a nearby parking garage because I didn't like the blind corners in garages after dark. We were in a very safe location so he thought I was a bit daft but his sense of chivalry compelled him to walk me. He didn't even shake my hand good bye / good night. I went home convinced I needed to up my game.

 

As I had been taught to do, I followed up the business event by reaching out. Normally this is a nice to meet you e-mail. My in box was flooded with similar messages the next day. To be different & to stand apart I sent a hand written note to his work. I already had professional note cards printed up for this eventually, to get new business by sending more then an throw away e-mail.

 

He called me in response to the card & offered to come to my office the following Monday evening. I was disheartened because that read like business / sales meeting not date. I let him come because I wanted every shot I could take to wrangle a date without doing the asking. Remember I was trying to be demure & more beta. He came to my office & we discussed business for about 20 minutes then he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat at a local low end restaurant. I was again disappointed because I didn't care for the restaurant choice. Unbeknownst to me, he selected that place because it was a "nice" restaurant & he thought he was stepping up his game to impress me. For a few seconds I contemplated suggesting an alternative restaurant but reminded myself that suggestion was me wresting control so we went with his choice. Years later when we talked about that date DH admits that if I had suggested some place else, it probably would have caused him to never ask me on a 2nd date because I would have been too high maintenance in his eyes.

 

I hope those examples help you find a balance that works for you.

[preraph]

Women who are successful in whatever capacity are in the same danger of being used as men are, even if it's not a lot of money, but they have something else, like I did, access to music and concerts, etc. There were always people who'd try to hang on for what they could get out of it.

 

And then even if you sorted those out, there were the typical problems of dating someone who's too young or too poor to have much and be able to keep up with you and it's not good for their ego and limits what you can do together.

 

You like each other, but seems like there's guys who can't handle that, feel they need that power card and don't feel secure without it.

 

That said, you just have to fish in a different pond. And the bigger issue is the age-old one that as you are successful, it's likely you're not in your 20s anymore either, and so part of the problem is simply your age, not your success. Social stuff drops off.

[alphamale]

the more someone (man or woman) has to offer the harder it is to find a suitable match. most people want to date/marry someone who is their equal or better

[edgygirl]

Hmm I’m in my 40s and get many dating opportunities with those. Although I don’t particularly like doctors or people in the medical field unless they’re researchers; I prefer lawyers who are usually more interesting brain-wise.

 

But I do think me being kinda an alpha woman might not be ideal for the kind of men I ultimately want to end up with. It’s usully two strong willed people together which creates tension. The Beta guys love me :/ but I can’t make myself love them back.

 

As opposed to you I probably wouldn’t date a man who has a lower income or less education unless he left everything to be an entrepreneur. I am basically attracted to doers. But that has never been a problem as in my city many men are equal or more.

 

Typically age appropriate doctors/lawyers/dentists want younger women.

Edited March 2, 2019 by edgygirl

[mark clemson]

Typically age appropriate doctors/lawyers/dentists want younger women.

 

Without lying and not being authentic how is a woman supposed to just show that at her foundation she’s a woman the same as any other and that she is capable of giving and receiving love and she’s not a “gamble” just because she may have more resources? What I have doesn’t mean I’m not sincere and open to a date from any walk of life who is a good person and interested in me.

 

Honestly that's a tough one. You wouldn't be lying, you would be being authentic. But I think you'd have to establish quite a bit of trust with the prospective partner. Not sure how to accomplish that specifically other than putting some real time in and showing you are trustworthy, explaining your intent etc.

 

You could also emphasize the benefits (i.e. financial security) as a partner viz a woman who earns less. Also pointing out that if there were to be a divorce THEY would probably receive spousal support, etc. All this makes it a "better bet" perhaps?

 

Note: I'm pretty sure they ARE male gold-diggers to watch out for, but hopefully you'd be able to weed them out?

 

For some men there is also a pride/identity issue here (i.e. traditional breadwinner sort of thing). If it were me, I wouldn't even try with them unless they have a real ability to get over that.

 

You could look for the exceptions to the successful men out there who want younger women. I'm sure there are a certain percentage who seek more of an equal. The trick would be finding them.

 

You could also consider flipping the script and dating younger men yourself. Or looking for men who want a dominant partner (they are out there as well and your success is an plus for this, I believe). But it sounds like maybe you're not into either of those things.

 

I think the real trick might be to just keep at it until you find the right person who you click with (in total, success included)?

[chillii]

l don't see why anyone has to hold their tongue anymore than anyone else, we all have to clamp it sometimes.

ln this case it's not like there's not millions of very very intelligent and successful men around.

l think it's more about just getting along and being like minded no matter who you are, wanting the same things, liking similar things and lifestyle. But again that's just everybody else's problem to it's hard to find for anyone whomever we are, street sweeper, rocket scientist, check out chick.

 

My older brothers married to one of the brightest women in the country , he's just a tradesman , but guess what , they've out survived everyone, 35yrs or so at a guess.

They just get along , wanted the same things, think a lot alike , just into each other.

So hang in there when you find your fit nothing else will matter.

Good luck

[mark clemson]

But I do think me being kinda an alpha woman might not be ideal for the kind of men I ultimately want to end up with. It’s usully two strong willed people together which creates tension.

 

 

I know some folks that fit this description. They are still together after many years but there has been a LOT of conflict and now there seems to be a LOT of wine needed. At least they can afford it...

[preraph]

He called me in response to the card & offered to come to my office the following Monday evening. I was disheartened because that read like business / sales meeting not date. I let him come because I wanted every shot I could take to wrangle a date without doing the asking. Remember I was trying to be demure & more beta. He came to my office & we discussed business for about 20 minutes then he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat at a local low end restaurant. I was again disappointed because I didn't care for the restaurant choice. Unbeknownst to me, he selected that place because it was a "nice" restaurant & he thought he was stepping up his game to impress me. For a few seconds I contemplated suggesting an alternative restaurant but reminded myself that suggestion was me wresting control so we went with his choice. Years later when we talked about that date DH admits that if I had suggested some place else, it probably would have caused him to never ask me on a 2nd date because I would have been too high maintenance in his eyes.

 

I hope those examples help you find a balance that works for you.

 

Oh, I'm very controlling about where to eat out because I do it more than any of my friends, much more I guess.

 

Very smart of you to ask him to walk you to your car. So now what does he say about that restaurant? Does he genuinely like it or was it just convenient to your office or what? Is he good about restaurants now? I know I'm too opinionated, but back when I was in my 20s, I wasn't eating out much, so didn't bump up against that. If someone was paying for my meal, I was just happy to go because I was so broke that first couple of years in Dallas. I did do something rude on one date though, and it was a fancy restaurant. The guy was taking me for a steak, an expensive one, and I was all happy about it, but when the steak came, it was sitting in melted butter - never seen that before but that's how some places do. Here in Texas, you just want it charbroiled or grilled ideally, and I honestly just couldn't hardly even eat it and griped about it being swimming in butter. Yuck. So I should have shut up and ate it, obviously. I didn't have that type of restraint back then. I can't remember but I think I got them to pour off the butter!!

[hotpotato]

I'm not conventionally successful, but I'd like to chime in.

 

The girls in my gifted class married later than most of our peers. I think more successful women have more going on (college, projects, etc) and have much less need for a man. One married just a few years ago, and the other married someone from college.

 

My ex from years ago said I was intimidating and later broke up with me. Im pretty, workout, love to read, and was tested as gifted.

My latest ex said I already had a life before when we met.

 

 

I do ok financially, and I'm self employed. I'm not desperate for a man's money is that means I can delay dating. If i were dating, I'd be at a disadvantage bc of my age.

 

I have some quirks for sure.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Honestly that's a tough one. You wouldn't be lying, you would be being authentic. But I think you'd have to establish quite a bit of trust with the prospective partner. Not sure how to accomplish that specifically other than putting some real time in and showing you are trustworthy, explaining your intent etc.

 

You could also emphasize the benefits (i.e. financial security) as a partner viz a woman who earns less. Also pointing out that if there were to be a divorce THEY would probably receive spousal support, etc. All this makes it a "better bet" perhaps?

 

Note: I'm pretty sure they ARE male gold-diggers to watch out for, but hopefully you'd be able to weed them out?

 

For some men there is also a pride/identity issue here (i.e. traditional breadwinner sort of thing). If it were me, I wouldn't even try with them unless they have a real ability to get over that.

 

You could look for the exceptions to the successful men out there who want younger women. I'm sure there are a certain percentage who seek more of an equal. The trick would be finding them.

 

You could also consider flipping the script and dating younger men yourself. Or looking for men who want a dominant partner (they are out there as well and your success is an plus for this, I believe). But it sounds like maybe you're not into either of those things.

 

I think the real trick might be to just keep at it until you find the right person who you click with (in total, success included)?

 

I’m not sure this is realistic in it’s entirety.

 

You can’t build trust with someone who writes you off from the first meeting or even thought of meeting you.

 

I’m open to dating younger men but frankly at age 50 I am not sure how many would want to date me.

 

Emphasis on my resources and social standing and how it could benefit a potential fate makes me a sugar momma or someone who is basically looking to buy a person and that’s not going to align with my moral compass and my wish is to meet a wonderful person not a prostitute or someone who wants to use me.

 

Being alone for the rest of my life isn’t all that appealing, but maybe that’s what happens at this age?