just friends with ex?

[SpideyReign]

Hi, not sure how to start this so i'll apologise first and foremost for the terrible wall of text and grammer,

 

right so I've been broken up with my ex girlfriend for nearly a year at this point, we have had sporadic to no contact in that time but over the past couple of weeks we have been back in touch.

This has resulted in going out with one another on "dates" such as ice skating, walking each others dogs together she has even been over to my new house and we had food and watched a film together. She has also took me out for a meal in this time but nothing has happened, we still get on and laugh and have fun but she every now and then throws things from the past back in my face and goes out of her way to tell me about the men she has dated and been with since we have broken up..

 

i know grim!.

I decided I couldn't continue with how I was feeling as I have never stopped wanting to be with this girl so I went to her house and explained how I felt and tried to get across how much I have changed and followed what she had wanted at the point of the breakup, this resulted in a 2 hour conversation during which she cried the entire time and when I asked why she was crying it was due to her saying I have finally become the man that she wanted at the time but the problem is that she cant go back and try it again as she feels that its too late to try again.

 

obviously I was devastated but it was kinda expected so I called her out on spending so much time with my up to that point and simply said it was just as friends but I honestly felt there was a lot of confusion and mixed signals across the board. I said I couldn't just be friends due to how I felt and left it at that....since then we have continued to talk via whatsapp on a daily basis and she even took me out for another meal and paid for everything then showe3d me round her new house, again nothing happened.

 

I am supposed to be helping decorate it tomorrow and I think i'mstarting to realise that no matter what I do to try and be the good guy its never going to be enough , any advice or anyone want to confirm my fears...

Edited March 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

If she had wanted to be romantic with you again, you telling her you'd changed (if she could believe it -- I wouldn't) would have put her into your arms again. I think she's just lost that romantic feeling toward you and only wants to be friends. Women can do that all day long, you know, without wanting sex ever again.

[SpideyReign]

so am I in the wrong for pursuing the friendship if in my heart I'm hoping it changes her feelings towards me or am I better just accepting this and backing off.

[d0nnivain]

Accept the "friendship" in the sense that you wish each other well & don't cause drama in each others lives.

 

But put a lot more distance in here. You are treating her like a GF -- walking dogs, eating meals, talking, watching movies etc. By doing so you give her time you should be spent pursuing other prospects.

[SpideyReign]

And I totally understand that , but I'm obviously being deluded in that in my head I'm hoping she's warming to the idea of maybes being open to trying again due the frequency of contact but at the same time i'm making myself available at her beck and call as though she is my girlfriend and I sometimes feel as though I'm being used to an extent to boost her ego and alleviate her boredom

[preraph]

so am I in the wrong for pursuing the friendship if in my heart I'm hoping it changes her feelings towards me or am I better just accepting this and backing off.

 

Yeah, don't do that to yourself. Look it takes a lot to tell someone you're not interested that way anymore and that's why you get a bunch of confusing cockamamie statements of why, because they don't want to say anything hurtful.

 

I mean, if you want to be very direct with her and ask her, "Are you ever going to feel romantic towards me again," go for it, but in my experience when you back someone into a truth corner, it hurts and you'd rather you didn't.

[SpideyReign]

well when I asked if we could try again and just see If there's anything there that we could work with she said that she wasn't willing to give it another chance regardless. I understand what she's saying but I think I've just been thrown with the time we have spent together of late clearly I've built a scenario in my head thinking that the time meant it was leading somewhere when realistically its friendship she's offering. I just don't get why after almost a year she wants to go down this route

[DKT3]

Some women enjoy friendships with exes because its really difficult for women to cut people completely out of their lives. Some women like keeping exes orbiting because they like having guys around they know are interested in them because it boosts their self esteem. Other do it because they have long term relationship goals but want to experience other men. Which do you believe she is? My guess is the second because she seems to enjoy telling you about other men she is hooking up with. Someone doing the first would value your friendship and would understand how uncomfortable that could be. Someone doing the third wouldn't tell you about other guys because she would fear how it would affect your relationship or your willingness to restart when she is ready.

[SpideyReign]

I would say you're right with what you say, it hurts when she has mentioned things like that but its not my place to say anything really at the end of the day so I just acknowledge it, from what I can tell based on the things she has said that she has had a bit of a rough time in the dating world of late so I get that she would use a comfortable person to build her ego back up. but then part of me as bad as it sounds hopes that she's come to the realisation that what we had was worth going back to but again if that was the case I'm sure she would of explained that point

[d0nnivain]

At this point she has put you firmly in a little box labeled "friend". The more time you spend with her the more those boundaries are solidified & the less sexy you become in her eyes. You are another one of the girls in her eyes.

 

Your strategy to spend time with her in the hopes of wooing her back, is having the opposite effect.

[SpideyReign]

kinda figured that was happening but was so headstrong that I thought if I just kept being nice it would spark something, I guess i'll take a step back and let the chips fall as they may

[preraph]

well when I asked if we could try again and just see If there's anything there that we could work with she said that she wasn't willing to give it another chance regardless. I understand what she's saying but I think I've just been thrown with the time we have spent together of late clearly I've built a scenario in my head thinking that the time meant it was leading somewhere when realistically its friendship she's offering. I just don't get why after almost a year she wants to go down this route

 

I'm afraid that's right. She's only offering friendship now. It's something women will often do that men will rarely do. They don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but men seem to have too much resentment at them not wanting them sexually anymore to accept it or something. Or maybe they never felt they were friends and don't like her as a friend. I think it's more about resentment. I've had it happen to me. The resentment would bubble up when we did try. I would like to have just pretended the affair never happened and gone back to just friends, which is what we had been for close to 3 years.

 

What one poster said about them wanting the validation or something that wasn't the case at all. We had been friends and that worked. Being lovers didn't work. I lost a whole friend because him wanting to be lovers didn't work. I felt cheated, honestly.

[SpideyReign]

well I've already took the day off work to help her decorate and at this point I figure am a lost cause anyways so to say I'm not willing to help is a dick move , I cant fault her for wanting friendship as she is a cool cat but i'll always want more and I get that that's my issue and I would never look to project that on her

[DKT3]

I don't think its resentment, I believe men simply aren't interested in having female friends on the level that women are. I know many men who have dumped women and the women wanted to come back and be friends. They would have no reason to be resentful.

 

OP, I think it's best you cut her off completely. No texts no nothing. Once you no longer have feelings for her then you can revisit. I suspect by then you wont want to be friends.

[preraph]

well I've already took the day off work to help her decorate and at this point I figure am a lost cause anyways so to say I'm not willing to help is a dick move , I cant fault her for wanting friendship as she is a cool cat but i'll always want more and I get that that's my issue and I would never look to project that on her

 

Just don't stop dating other women and let her become your main focus because that's just self-defeating. You date others. You never know, the competition might waken something in her, at least temporarily.

[DKT3]

 

What one poster said about them wanting the validation or something that wasn't the case at all. We had been friends and that worked. Being lovers didn't work. I lost a whole friend because him wanting to be lovers didn't work. I felt cheated, honestly.

 

If your reference is me, you should read all the post.

 

At any rate it does seem to be the case with her.

[preraph]

I don't think its resentment, I believe men simply aren't interested in having female friends on the level that women are. I know many men who have dumped women and the women wanted to come back and be friends. They would have no reason to be resentful.

 

OP, I think it's best you cut her off completely. No texts no nothing. Once you no longer have feelings for her then you can revisit. I suspect by then you wont want to be friends.

 

I think it can be either. In my case, I know it was resentment. He did his best after he remarried to find someone just a whole lot like me to befriend on the side and help him with his music like I did. She even came up to me first time I saw her and said, "I'm the new you." Actually, it's in my journal that he told me we should "try to be friends" during a lunch we had, but by the end of the lunch, all his resentment had blown up and he was asking for more.

[Ronni_W]

so am I in the wrong for pursuing the friendship if in my heart I'm hoping it changes her feelings towards me or am I better just accepting this and backing off.

No, you are not "in the wrong"...but you are deluding yourself. It's not "wrong", but it's totally wrong for you to be doing that to yourself. (If that makes sense?)

 

For me, I was able to be just platonic friends with my now-ex...took him for meals, golfed together, even did some family get-togethers together;

had all kinds of fun together doing all kinds of fun stuff together. But, I was only able to do that with him because, for me, we were totally 'done and dusted'.

 

If you're still emotionally attached and invested, and only being with her with the hope of somehow getting her to change her mind and heart about you, then you're only setting up yourself for hurt.

[DKT3]

Question is would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends? I believe that is creating some confusion with OP.

[preraph]

Question is would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends? I believe that is creating some confusion with OP.

 

This is why he doesn't need to do it until he is also dating other women. Like in my circumstance, that guy had options and I had options. I think once both people are able to date others, it's kind of childish not to be able to be friends. Maybe not as much time together, but friends, once you were primarily friends before.

 

But no, I don't think he ought to put himself through it unless he has the common sense and self-discipline to accept that's all it is and the ability to move on and enjoy dating others. And at that point, you have to make sure your old relationship doesn't run off your new relationship and have boundaries.

[Ronni_W]

would you continue to engage with an ex that you know is still in love with you and wants a relationship if you only want to be friends?

Hhmmm...I think I would, yes; but also would be quite conscious of making sure that he knows where I stand.

(If he knows the score, then he has his own free will to still keep engaging, or to stop. His free will decisions and choices are not on me.)

[mark clemson]

OP, I'm thinking that you may not want to stick around too long. I tried to remain friends with some of my exGFs (college age) but once they had a new BF, well that was too much for me. Maybe you're more emotionally mature than I was - you sound like you're at least mid-20's, but I suspect you still may want to be out of there before that happens.

 

Maybe it'd be ok if you find a new GF first, but it sounds like you're really still emotionally attached to her. So that would interfere + your new GF might not WANT you being too good friends with your ex.

[Blanco]

I think your fears are justified. I kinda go with the idea that you can't really help falling in love with someone, but from there, loving someone can be a daily choice. To me, it sounds like she chose to stopping loving you in the romantic sense. So while she might still care deeply for you, those romantic feelings are gone.

 

She likely still enjoys your company, but for most people, once they lose those romantic feelings toward someone, it's gone and not something they can just try to bring back.

[Imnew1]

Dear lord OP, why are you doing this to yourself? Your being weak and needy by being her friend when lovers is what you want. You’re not standing up for yourself as a man and what you want in life. Of course she’s going through keep you in friend zone. You haven’t drawn the line in the sand and said you’re only interested in being lovers and if friends is all she wants then you’re going to move on with your life. All because you love her and are afraid to lose her for forever. Well you’re going to once she gets a new bf or gets married. You might get a birthday text, or invited to their wedding, and can go eat dinner with them and your new girl. If that’s what you want and she means that much to you then go for it. It’s all about what you want with her and for your life. My brother still does that with his first real gf from college. To each their own. It sounds terrible to me. I can’t stand the thought of my current ex with her new guy less than 2 months after breaking up with me. No time will pass where I no longer have feelings and would love to meet him or anything.

 

I say this sort of in the same boat. I’m broken up for 2 months now with my gf of 14 months. She gave up hope that I would ever marry her bc my parents didn’t like her and she couldn’t come around and ultimately I guess I didn’t make her feel safe and comfortable in this relationship. Real issue is that I lived with them way past the age of living with parents acceptable and went by their rules. If we lived in another state that would never be an issue.

 

So I’m getting my own place asap. And staying silent until her emotions clear out, and hopefully she sees the new me and life where there’s a comfortable future. She has a few exes that still text her trying to be friends (trying to date again). They all end up frustrated for 2 years longer than they should bc they agree to be her friend hoping that she will come back. It’s all for her benefit and an ego boost knowing her former lovers that she cared about still love her and that she can still talk to them if she wants. She gets everything and they get nothing that they really want.

 

I was friends with my ex for an entire year before dating. Easiest relationship between just us I ever had. Outside factors screwed it up. However, one thing I will not do is agree to be her friend or text her for emotional support. All that awaits me is to be dropped like I barely existed minus a birthday text once she gets established with a serious bf. I love her too much and have too much respect for myself to accept those terms. I’m prepared to lose her for forever and it sucks. It’s never what I wanted either. I would have been friends for life if we never became lovers, but I guess that’s the risk you take. She would absolutely make a wonderful friend as she’s giving, we vibe great, have the same interests, have fun, never fight or argue. Everything a guy is looking for in their friends and lovers, but I want lovers. All or nothing.

 

I hope you do the same and draw the line in the sand. We’ll either get them back if the idea of losing us for forever is something that they can’t live with and if there’s any bf/gf love left, or we lose them for forever and meet somebody else to enjoy our time with. I’m sure yours is very special to you as is mine. But life is too short to torment yourself wasting months and years hoping being her friend will somehow make it happen again. Draw that line man. Better to know now than another year from now

Edited March 21, 2019 by Imnew1

[darkmoon]

"too late" in that phrase, I see melodrama