Why is it so easy for her

[Happynsad]

My wife and I were married 17 years and together 23. We separated and are close to being divorced. I have not thought about dating but my wife has been on tinder and bumble and has slept with 4 men in the last 8 months, all in first dates. She is extremely sexual with men which is in complete contrast to how our marriage was. I would never want her back but this just bugs me to no end. We have kids so will always be connected but I just feel like life would be much easier if I never had to see her again. Too much pain. How can this be so easy for a woman?

[FMW]

It's not about her being a woman. We are all individuals, regardless of what sex we are, and act and react in different ways.

 

Just have as little contact with her as possible and ONLY about the children.

 

How do you know about her dating and sex life? Tell whoever is passing on this information to stop sharing it with you.

[Marc878]

She's selfish and it's all about what she want. You and the family don't matter much.

 

Why are you not filing for D?

 

This is who she is.

 

Contact with her will only keep you bound

[Happynsad]

I filed for divorce last spring but it's taking us a while. There are many moving parts.

 

In fairness we have not lived like a married couple in a long time. We had sex only for kids and other than that she had zero interest.

 

She is supposed to be teaching our kids during the day but I see her profile on plenty of fish daily. I messaged her with a fake profile to see how fast she responded. 1 minute is all it took. She immediately began telling me how she likes to sleep with men on the first date, how she met a man in a hotel last summer and was almost raped, how she cheated on her husband (me) twice while engaged.

 

I won't ever do that again as I learned way more than i should have. To go from a prude while married to this. I guess the take away is that she was never attracted to me but I feel so taken to have wasted the best years of my life on lies.

 

Of course I love my kids and appreciate that but I would have never gotten married had I known who she was. But I'm just stuck wondering why it's hard for me to stop thinking about all of what she did and she is out having sex like she hasn't a care in the world.

[FMW]

She clearly has some emotional issues. That's not normal - the response to a message from someone she thought was a total stranger, the having sex only for procreation, jumping into promiscuity so quickly after your marriage ending - none of it.

 

You're having a hard time with it because she was your wife, the mother of your children, someone you thought you knew better than anyone. It's unsettling and shocking to your system.

 

You'll work through it, it will just take some time. Hang in there.

[Marc878]

You are wanting her to be what you want her to be.

 

Sadly that is just a fantasy.

 

Your only cure is to cut as much contact as you can.

 

No contact only works if you apply it. Just because you have kids together doesn't mean you have to engage her.

 

You can coparent by email and texts.

 

It's up to you. Keep yourself in it or not.

[Happynsad]

It doesn't seem normal at all. Mutual friends are blown away by who she has become. Sucks when your wife struggles to hug you but can hop in bed with strangers.

 

 

I guess it will get easier the less contact we have. She moved out in early January. The only problem we have is that we homeschool our children. She wants this to continue post divorce. I think the kids should go to school. We would have tons of contact if we homeschool. She doesn't mind seeing me. She is on a different date almost nightly I think. It bugs me seeing her all the time.

[Marc878]

It doesn't seem normal at all. Mutual friends are blown away by who she has become. Sucks when your wife struggles to hug you but can hop in bed with strangers.

 

 

I guess it will get easier the less contact we have. She moved out in early January. The only problem we have is that we homeschool our children. She wants this to continue post divorce. I think the kids should go to school. We would have tons of contact if we homeschool. She doesn't mind seeing me. She is on a different date almost nightly I think. It bugs me seeing her all the time.

 

Like I said you don't matter.

 

You can deal with it if you choose.

 

Communicate only by text or email. Never answer a phone call direct. Limit pickups and drops offs to a 3 minute exercise with no engagement. Do not go into her home and don't invite her into yours.

 

I know 3 others who use this method and it's works. It may seem awkward upfront but will normalize. How awkward is her cheating?

 

No contact will work only if you apply it.

 

They all want to be friends at your expense. Whether you allow it or not is totally up to you.

[Marc878]

It doesn't seem normal at all. Mutual friends are blown away by who she has become. Sucks when your wife struggles to hug you but can hop in bed with strangers.

 

 

I guess it will get easier the less contact we have. She moved out in early January. The only problem we have is that we homeschool our children. She wants this to continue post divorce. I think the kids should go to school. We would have tons of contact if we homeschool. She doesn't mind seeing me. She is on a different date almost nightly I think. It bugs me seeing her all the time.

 

Why in the hell would you hug her?

[Happynsad]

No not anymore. Haven't hugged each other in almost 1.5 years. I just meant even years ago a hug was rare because she was afraid I wanted more than a hug. I couldn't imagine touching her anymore after all the men she touches.

[Beachead]

Happynsad,

 

I am very sorry for how much pain this selfish woman has put you through.

 

This is the problem. Your well-being is gone. You need to rebuild it.

The problem she's toxic to your health and you are still in contact with her so you won't get better. It's like diving into the fridge and eating food that spoiled everyday and hoping you won't get sick. It's not going to happen. You're going to get sick and it's only going to get worse. You need to chuck that food to the trash. You need your space to heal and move on from this.

 

The other problem is because of the kids, you'll have to stay in contact in some way, shape or form. So the question is, is there anyway you can discuss sending the kids to school and minimize the contact with her as much as possible so that you don't have to see her?

 

Also do you have her on social media? If you do..I strongly suggest taking her off of it.

 

- Beach

[Happynsad]

Thank you Beach and Marc.

 

It's very true that you can't get over someone while being too attached. Just today she wanted to do something as a "family" for the kids. Sure I can play along but if the past is any indication, her phone will buzzing the entire time from tinder or whatever else she is on. It's just too much, even for the kids sake.

[preraph]

Because unlike you, she was ready to divorce and move on, and she has. She was probably emotionally checked out for some time before the actual divorce. That makes it more a relief than something traumatic. She's already been through the trauma and not having it over with is a relief to her. I hope you feel the same soon.

[Happynsad]

That's true. As much as I have hated her the last couple years I was not ready to move on. She was likely ready for a long time. Still doesn't help that her moving on is sleeping with random men.

 

But besides move on, there is no other option.

[Marc878]

Thank you Beach and Marc.

 

It's very true that you can't get over someone while being too attached. Just today she wanted to do something as a "family" for the kids. Sure I can play along but if the past is any indication, her phone will buzzing the entire time from tinder or whatever else she is on. It's just too much, even for the kids sake.

 

You and your kids are family. She's not a part of it anymore. You have your time she has hers. Keep everything separate. Holidays, birthdays etc.

 

Download and read "No More Mr Nice a Guy" free PDF. It's short and should help you.

 

They always want to be friends. It's for them not you. Better get that.

 

Kids learn most from their parents. If your children are in your position would you want them to be manipulated and walked on? What are you teaching them?

 

You need to wake up. The only one keeping you where you are is you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If what you're saying about what she's saying on POF is true (I don't know what kind of woman who write a profile like that!), it sounds to me like she's some kind of sex addict who was not at all attracted to you and is now going full steam ahead to get all she can.

[Happynsad]

Thank you I will read that book.

 

That is not in her profile, it's just what she told me as a stranger within an hour of talking to her. Maybe she is a sex addict now, who knows. She was cold as ice with me for 20 years.

[Wallysbears]

Or maybe you weren't as "sly" in attempting to catfish her as you thought you were and she was feeding you a bunch of bs.

[elaine567]

Sounds like she is far from "fine".

I guess she is struggling

Is there any history of sex abuse/sex assault?

[Happynsad]

No, she had no idea it was me by the way she was talking. She literally wanted to meet that day. I stoppes talking to her once I heard too much painful details.

 

She seems ok. There was no abuse that I know of. I have known her 23 out of her 40 years. Well nothing besides her hotel incident last year. But she never told me about that.

[elaine567]

There was no abuse that I know of. I have known her 23 out of her 40 years. Well nothing besides her hotel incident last year. But she never told me about that.

The attempted rape?

Edited March 4, 2019 by elaine567

[Simple Logic]

You were married a long time, are getting divorced, and you cant ask her why the whole time you were married she never wanted sex and now goes out screws 4 guys? Maybe that answered your question.

[Happynsad]

You were married a long time, are getting divorced, and you cant ask her why the whole time you were married she never wanted sex and now goes out screws 4 guys? Maybe that answered your question.

 

You got me there. I rarely ever brought it up because it got me nowhere.

 

I would not ask her now. She would just say "you had your chance to be with me and it's none of your business."

 

My 9 year old is turning 10 on Sunday and asked that we celebrate all together for him. I can't stand the thought of spending a couple hours with her. I'm so angry at her.

[chillii]

Actually l think it's harder for women in the end.

Of course you'll get all the lines like oh, well she must've been switched off already to the marriage for years.

Well that's all just dandy then wth didn't she tell him that years ago. Get very very sick of hearing that ridiculous excuse.

Anyway l can tell you out of the 5 or 6 people in my circle l suppose you'd call it , that divorced around the same time we did, only one of the women has a real new life with some new guy, the rest have bounced all over the placed and gotten no where.

Where as all but one of the guys , are either remarried and in a whole new life , or with someone serious. So you know, take it all with a grain of salt on the surface, it's relly so much a time thing over all seeing what the real picture is in the end.

 

As far as your ex , why are you knowing anything about her private life anyway ? How ?

lf l was you l'd be shutting down where ever that's coming from you don't need to know her business anymore.

All you need is the parenting relationship.

l know nothing about my ex's new life or her mine and that's the way l like it , it's just better all round for you both, well if it effects you anyway.

Edited March 5, 2019 by chillii

[Happynsad]

Stupidly I was looking for what I found. I have to stop looking or I will never move on.