Whens a good time to admit faults in the break-up as a dumpee?

[arcangel72]

I had been in a long term relationship for over 9 years on and off- and it ended January 20, 2018 where she dumped me. We had a disagreement that followed of being blocked on FB. I tried reaching out to her before, then applied no contact several months after, and learned shes been in a complicated relationship already. It was devastating and had been busy bashing me on line, and serenading songs to someone, I dont know if it was about me. Then being single again for a while, then being back in a complicated relationship again. Anyways, I have been doing some deep soul searching and coming to terms with the break up after months of grieving in all stages. Finally after a lot of research. I came to a point of admitting my faults in the break up, and did an extensive moral inventory of myself and what changes i need to make in order to have another future relationship. It takes two to tango and I know that she shares part of the blame as much as I do. I learned what mistakes i made and what caused her to lose attraction to me. Its been 13 months now and I know that I may never get her back and I am starting to feel ok with it. As part of my healing journey at what point is it a good idea to say I am sorry and admit all my faults to her and for my part in the break-up. Should i wait for her to contact me? or should i finally set her free and break no contact. I still love her even though I am going through the self discovery stage.

Edited March 3, 2019 by arcangel72

[Lenmi]

In my opinion if you are still having feelings for her you should not contact her. It might set you back. I remember after me and my ex broke up it was hard to talk to him because of feelings (he dumped me), but now I have none whatsoever and we speak as friends, so we have talked about our relationship and the mistakes we made. It was much easier to speak with no feelings involved, from my side atleast. Though back then when we tried to talk about the mistakes we did, we always ended up fighting.

 

I feel also sometimes you want to speak to the person so much you make up excuses for why you should contact them. For example, I’m heartbroken about someone now and the last time we talked I said some things I wish I did not say, and I want to explain them but I don’t because if I break the no contact I will fall right back at it...

 

So in short, as long as you have feelings I would say, from my own experience, stay away. If in the future when you have moved on you still feel the need to apologize then do that.

[basil67]

Good on you for going through this journey and coming out with greater knowledge of yourself.

 

Don't contact her to apologise or to share your growth. She's part of your history and frankly, won't care anyway. Focus that knowledge on bettering your future. And NEVER stay with anyone if the relationship is on and off.

[FMW]

I agree with the others, don't contact her, it will likely set you back in getting over her.

 

Take your growth and the lessons learned forward to have a better relationship with someone else in the future.

[elaine567]

Don't contact her.

Too much water has flowed under that bridge for there to be a good chance of reconciliation.

As you still love her, then contacting her will set you back massively.

Dumpers, sorry to say, do not tend to care if you have changed or that you are sorry for your part in the break up.

They dumped you to have the chance to meet others, they tend to not want to look backwards as a) they do not want to acknowledge they made a mistake or b) they did not make a mistake so nothing to talk about.

[Ronni_W]

inventory of myself and what changes i need to make <snip> As part of my healing journey at what point is it a good idea to say I am sorry and admit all my faults to her

Confessing to her is not really a part of the healing journey.

 

The most important part is, now that you know what changes you need to make, to just start working to actually make those changes. There isn't any real reason to put it off.

 

I get that it may feel like a 'good idea' to try to turn back the pages, but trying to over-write the old stories with your new self-insights, and then telling them to her,

will just come off as you trying to 'whitewash' her past experiences with you.

[Darren87]

If you accept that she still may not come back to you and may just not even reply, you’re prepared for that and don’t think that it’ll effect you then why not message her? You’ve nothing to loose.

 

People are different and life isn’t simple mate. There’s no one blanket right or wrong answer that applies to everyone.

[d0nnivain]

. As part of my healing journey at what point is it a good idea to say I am sorry and admit all my faults to her and for my part in the break-up.

 

Never. A break up is a not a 12 step process. You don't have to make amends to her.

 

You did the work on yourself. You pay it forward & you don't make these same mistakes in your next relationship.